8. What only Josie Sees

EIGHT

WHAT ONLY JOSIE SEES

I snuggle closer to Zack, the warmth of his body a comforting contrast to the chilly room. The Christmas tree, in its half-dressed state, casts a soft glow around us.

“We should add naked snuggling under the tree to our list of advantages.”

Zack hums in agreement. “This is definitely something we couldn’t do with kids running around.”

I look over at the twinkling tree. We managed to get the lights on and we were supposed to be decorating it when we got “distracted” again. Now all my muscles feel like jelly. I definitely don’t feel like messing with ornaments and tinsel.

“I vote we leave decorating for the weekend. Let’s go for a simple look this year.”

He chuckles, his chest vibrating under my cheek. “You always say that, and then we end up adding every ornament we own.”

“Remember the year we tried to flock the tree ourselves? I think we had more fake snow in the house than outside.”

Zack groans. “How could I forget? I was finding that shit everywhere for months.”

I bite my lip to stifle my laughter. He’d complained that he’d even found that powdery white glitter in his butt crack once, something I’d never let him forget.

“That’s why I went with the retro theme last year. I figured that didn’t require any cleanup.”

Zack popped me on my bottom lightly. “No cleanup but it felt like living inside of a disco ball. The neon lights were a bit much.”

“Oh, come on, that was fun! You have to admit, the look on my mom’s face was priceless.”

My mother is a fan of classic and understated holiday decorations, always done by a professional decorator. When she’d come over and seen my multi-colored neon Christmas tree I’d thought she was going to go into shock.

“That was the best part,” Zack agrees. He lifts his head so he can see my face. “You know, I wasn’t joking earlier. We really could just celebrate alone."

I shake my head. “You know if we don't go to your brother's place, my parents will expect us to be with them. And there's no way I'm signing up for that."

Zack cracks up. “I hear that. Are they giving you grief about not visiting?”

“No, thankfully. My brother is taking one for the team this year. He and Izzie are going to spend Christmas with Mom and Dad, so we're off the hook."

Which is a minor miracle, in and of itself, considering how they’ve treated James in the past. When my brother was dealing with work burnout and depression, my parents were more concerned about what other people might think than supporting him. And the way they treated Zack for years was truly terrible. I would probably never forgive them for that.

“They're lucky anyone wants to visit at all. So they’ll have to take what they can get.”

He nods. “I just want you to be happy.”

His eyes are filled with the same look that's been there ever since we started facing our infertility challenges. He's just trying to be supportive. I love him for the way he always tries to shield me from any additional pain, but a stubborn, defiant part of me wishes he wouldn't.

I kiss his chest gently. "I know you're worried about me, with everything going on. And I love you for it. I really do. But I'm stronger than you think."

Surprise flickers in his eyes. "Josie, I never meant to make you feel like you're not strong. I know you are. I just hate seeing you hurt."

"You can’t protect me from everything. Sometimes, we have to face the pain head on to get through it. And I will get through it, as long as I have you with me.”

His hand slides up and down my back in a comforting motion. "You're right. We’ll get through it together."

We stay like that, just resting in front of the tree with the gentle wash of Christmas lights surrounding us.

"That’s what it’s all about. All of this. Even Christmas. It's about family being together during the good times and the bad."

His eyes meet mine. "Yeah, it is. It's about being there for each other, no matter what happens."

I squeeze his hand, feeling a surge of love for this man who has stood by me through everything. "So I think we should spend Christmas with your family. We need them and they need us."

Zack smiles. "You know what, I think you’re right about that. Finn and Rissa are going through something.”

“Really? What makes you say that?” I felt bad for ignoring Emma’s invite to the spa, but I hadn’t been up for any girl talk that day. Now I wonder what I missed.

“Finn has made a few comments lately about Rissa avoiding him. I really hope that they aren’t going to break up.”

“Oh no. I had no idea any of this was going on. But Rissa loves him so much.”

Zack sighs. “And Finn adores her. You know that. But if he’s upset enough to say this stuff in front of us, that probably means it’s been going on for awhile.”

“I really hope it’s nothing.”

“Me too. But he’s not the only one who has been off lately. Gabe has been really absentminded and I can barely get Luke on the phone these days. And Tank, well, I don’t know what’s going on with him. But I think he needs us, too.”

"I guess this year has been tough for all of us."

He pulls me closer, his voice a soft whisper. "Everybody is fighting their own battles."

That really makes me think. For the past few months, I’ve been pulling away from everyone. The stress of constantly hoping to be pregnant and then being disappointed each month made it hard to feel social. Plus, it felt kind of like I was being a downer while everyone else was living their perfect lives. So it’s a bit of a wakeup call to realize the others have their own struggles happening. I feel ashamed that I haven’t been there for them because I’ve been so absorbed in my own disappointment.

Zack shifts slightly, pulling the throw blanket draped over us a little higher. It feels so safe lying here with Zack, like we’re the only two people in the world. Which gives me the courage to say something I’ve been thinking about for a while.

“Do you remember what the fertility doctor told us the last time we were there?" I whisper.

He stiffens and the arm that’s around my waist tightens slightly. "About relaxing and giving it time?"

I shake my head slightly. "About our other options. Egg donors. In vitro fertilization. All of that."

He doesn’t speak but I can tell he's taken aback by my words. I've always been so determined to conceive naturally, so this shift is unexpected.

Finally he sits up, moving so he can see my face. "Josie, are you saying you're ready to consider those options now?"

I nod. "I've been thinking a lot about it, and I realized that I wasn’t thinking about the big picture. We want a family. Who cares how we get there?”

His hand finds mine and squeezes gently. "But you were so set on trying naturally. I just want to make sure you're really okay with this."

"I’ve thought about it a lot and realized it's time we explore all the possibilities. If this can help us grow our family, we should look into it. We’ll love our baby no matter how they come into the world."

He brings my hand to his lips. "I love you, Josie. I'm with you, no matter what you decide to do."

Suddenly I’m overwhelmed with a rush of love so strong I lose my breath. How did I get so lucky to find someone who is always there for me?

As if he can tell that I’m a little overwhelmed, Zack just squeezes my hand. "I have a proposal for you. Well, for both of us.”

"Oh? What kind of proposal?"

"Let's make a pact to just focus on Christmas. No discussions about pregnancy, or fertility treatments until after the New Year. That way we can actually enjoy the holidays."

A wave of relief washes over me. The thought of not stressing about all that stuff is a breath of fresh air. Already it feels like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders.

"That actually sounds wonderful. But we can’t stop anyone else from talking about babies."

He laughs. “Finn seems pretty busy with two toddlers. Gabe isn’t even thinking about kids and poor Luke is too sleep-deprived to say much at all. Tank isn’t talking about anything but this new cabin. I think we’re safe.”

"That sounds perfect then. We’ll just focus on family, and enjoying Christmas."

He leans in, planting a soft kiss on my forehead. "It's a deal then. A very merry, stress-free Christmas. And no more baby talk."