14. Rissa Wants It All

FOURTEEN

RISSA WANTS IT ALL

A fter a little bit of searching, we were able to find the remote to control the TV over the fireplace. A Christmas Story plays in the background as I pretend I don’t notice Finn typing furiously into his phone every few minutes.

My heart squeezes a little tighter every time he pulls his phone out. Who could he possibly be talking to? Most of his brothers are here at the cabin and I’ve never known him to talk this much to any of his other friends.

I pull the throw blanket closer, cuddling under its warmth as if it can smother these worried thoughts. Finn is the most loyal husband, and a completely devoted father. Entertaining these thoughts isn’t fair to him when he’s done nothing to deserve suspicion.

Once the movie switches to a commercial, I stand up. Finn looks up at the abrupt movement.

“I’m going to see if I can find some popcorn.”

He nods absently but I can tell his attention is already wandering. Probably to whoever it is who keeps lighting up his phone.

As I walk to the kitchen, I remind myself that this isn’t who I want to be. I used to be fun. If this had been three years ago, I would have been dragging Finn into a dark closet to seduce him instead of obsessing over his text messages. But that’s not who I am anymore. Now I’m the woman who goes to bed early and pretends to be asleep before he comes to bed.

Frustrated, I pull open the door to the pantry. It’s been stocked like we’re preparing for a famine but luckily everything has been labeled carefully so it doesn’t take long to find the microwave popcorn.

I grab one of the little packets and carry it over to the microwave. While it heats up, I get a few bowls down and then pour some chips into the other one in case Finn doesn’t want popcorn. But no matter how hard I try to distract myself, I can’t stop thinking about who he was messaging.

When the microwave beeps, I jump.

Geez, get a grip.

Determined not to let my insecurities ruin our night, I pour the popcorn into the second bowl before adding extra salt. Then I place everything on a tray I found in one of the cabinets and head back to the great room. When I enter, Finn is standing by the window with his phone pressed to his ear.

“Well, you need to find it! Uh huh. No that’s not going to work.”

He’s so into his phone call that he doesn’t even notice me. Suddenly the tray feels like it weighs a hundred pounds. I put it down on the coffee table but it lands with more force than I intended and kernels go flying.

That’s finally enough to get Finn’s attention. He whirls around and when he sees me promptly hangs up on whoever he’s talking to.

“Rissa? Are you okay?”

‘No. I’m not okay. Who was that?”

Instantly his eyes shutter. It’s like I can see the shield going up. “No one. It was just Gabe.”

His eyes flicker to the popcorn all over the floor.

“Leave it. I’ll clean it up later. Since when do you whisper on the phone when you’re talking to Gabe? Why would you need to hide that?"

Finn runs a hand through his hair, a tell that he's stressed. "I wasn't hiding. It’s just that we’re supposed to be relaxing together so I didn’t want to interrupt that. It's nothing for you to worry about."

I laugh but the sound is shrill even to my ears. “Don’t worry? So I’m supposed to pretend I don’t notice my marriage falling apart?”

"What is that supposed to mean?" Finn asks.

I look away, unable to face the question in his eyes.

"Rissa." His voice is firmer now. He steps in front of me, demanding my attention. "If you're going to accuse me of something, at least have the courage to look at me while you do it."

Tears spill over my cheeks. I swipe at them angrily. This isn't us. This isn't who we are. I’m torn between my first instinct which is to trust him and the obvious red flags that have shown up over the past few weeks. But the more I think about it, the more confused I feel.

“I need to get out of here.”

I turn to walk away but before I can reach the door, my feet leave the ground. It takes me a few seconds to process that I’m upside down. It’s not until Finn’s hand lands on my ass that I let out a shriek.

“Put me down!”

“Not a chance,” he growls.

He carries me back to the couch easily despite my kicking and then drops down until we’re a tangle of arms and legs.

"I'm not letting you leave thinking I was talking to another woman." He pulls out his phone and shoves it right in front of my face. "Read for yourself."

I shake my head, pushing the phone away. I don't want to see the proof, as stupid as that sounds.

"You are going to drive me crazy, woman." Finally, he starts to read the messages aloud.

Once he sees that I’m listening, he puts the phone in front of my face again. My eyes dart across the screen.

Finn

Misplaced it? What does that mean?

Gabe

I wrapped it and put it with my other gifts. But when I went back to the closet to get it for you, it was gone.

Finn

So that means that it could be under the tree already?

Gabe

Maybe Tank moved it there? I’ll ask as soon as I can get away.

Finn

I need that gift back!

As I scroll through their text exchange the earlier spark of jealousy fades into embarrassment. Finn wasn’t messaging some other woman. He was talking about my Christmas present. I don’t really understand what they were talking about exactly but it’s obvious that something must have gone wrong with my gift and Finn was just trying to fix it. Because that’s the kind of husband he is, the kind who is always working to make me happy.

I hand the phone back. “You really were talking to Gabe."

Finn shakes his head. "Why would you think I wanted someone else? There's no one else but you. There never has been."

“I’m so sorry. I don’t know what’s wrong with me lately.”

He pulls me into his arms. "The only reason I was texting with Gabe so much was because he was supposed to deliver your gift. I arranged for you to have a boudoir photo session with Josie. I wanted to show you how sexy you are but then you mentioned having another baby, and it threw me off. I didn’t want you to think I was focused on the physical when you’re already self-conscious about it. I didn’t know what to do."

The frustration in his voice makes my heart ache. "You probably feel like you can't win with me lately."

"Yeah," he admits, his voice barely audible. "It seems like whatever I say or do, it upsets you."

"I never want you to feel that way." I wrap my arms around his neck as I try to find the right words. "Finn, I'm sorry for being so emotional lately.”

“You don’t have to apologize,” he insists.

“I do. Because I’ve been shutting you out but yet I got upset when you did that to me. It's just that when I look in the mirror now, I feel like I'm looking at someone else. How can I expect you to love that person when I don't even know her myself?"

His lips brush across my forehead in a gentle kiss. "Rissa, I love every version of you. When we got married, I promised to love you every day no matter what changes. I’m sorry about the way I reacted when you brought up having another baby. I don’t ever want you to think you can’t talk to me about anything.”

His words touch me deeply but also make me feel unbelievably raw inside. Because the idea of exposing this new version of me, one that I’m not even sure I like, is terrifying.

“I kept thinking that if I just worked harder, went to the gym more or tried some new diet, that I could fix it. That I would start feeling like me again. Then I thought we should have another baby so I could get this phase done once and for all. Because the idea of working out and losing the weight only to have to do it again in a few years was just overwhelming.”

His fingers intertwine with mine. "This version of you is still you. You're still the woman who laughs at my terrible jokes, the one who gets teary-eyed at old movies, and the person who believes in me more than I do myself. That's who I see, and that's who I love.”

“I love you, too.”

He nuzzles into my neck. “Let’s make an agreement to talk about having another baby after we get you back to feeling more like yourself. I love our kids but I also love them having a mother who is well-cared for and I feel like maybe I’ve dropped the ball on that a little.”

“You haven’t dropped anything.” I snuggle deeper into his embrace.

“Still. Making sure that you feel loved and appreciated is my top concern. So once we get you back into a good place, we can talk about adding another little Marshall to the roster. Sound good?”

I look up at him. “When did you get so wise?”

“Right about the time I realized that trusting Gabe with your present was a terrible idea.”

We laugh together at that.

“Did he really lose it?” Even though it’s funny, I feel a twinge of sympathy for Gabe. I’m sure he feels terrible about it.

“It’s probably buried under the mountain of presents beneath the tree. If not, I’m sorry you don’t have a gift.”

He looks a little forlorn at the idea so I pull him down for another kiss.

“It doesn’t matter. Talking to you like this is all the gift I need.”

It’s about fifteen minutes later when I realize that we should probably check on the kids. I send a quick text to Emma. Even though she offered to watch them, I don’t want to take advantage of her. I know that two toddlers are a handful.

Rissa

How’re the monsters? Do we need to come back?

Emma

They’re just fine! Maxi has decided they are playing hair salon.

Rissa

Liam is sitting still long enough to play a game?

Emma

Not sure he had a choice. Maxi decided he needed a haircut and sort of sat on him.

Rissa

Emma

Riley has no idea what is going on but is watching them both very closely.

Tank says he’s an undercover spy for the CIA.

Rissa

They’re never going to want to come home. LOL.

Emma

Enjoy your time off, mama. They’re keeping Maxi entertained.

Which means we don’t have to run after her!

I look over at Finn. “The kids are having fun with their cousin. So we are officially off the hook for awhile.”

Since I feel guilty doing absolutely nothing, I gather the popcorn bowl and our cups to bring them back to the kitchen. Finn appears a few seconds later holding some dirty napkins that he throws in the trash. He cuddles up against me, his hand going to the curve of my ass.

“ Finn. Someone could come in here.”

He groans in my ear. "I don't know how you could ever think I want anyone else. It takes all my willpower to keep my hands off you."

I blush at that. "Really? It’s a little hard to believe when I’m usually wearing yoga pants and have food stains all over my shirt."

Suddenly he picks me up again. I shriek at the sudden motion. He slaps my ass just like he did before. “Apparently you only listen when you’re upside down. I’ll have to take note.”

He starts walking and I pinch his back. “Where are we going?”

“Our room.”

“You can’t carry me upstairs like this!”

Just then we hear voices. They sound close. Finn yanks open the closest door and steps inside. Now we’re inside a dark room. He leans down and carefully places me on my feet.

“Who was–”

His finger covers my lips. A second later, footsteps pass by. Then a door slams.

“Are they gone?” I whisper.

His hand slides beneath my hair as his lips cover mine. My hands instinctively find their way to his broad chest, feeling the rhythm of his heartbeat beneath my fingertips. My breath hitches as he breaks away to trail hot, open-mouthed kisses along my jawline.

"You have no idea how badly I need you right now.” He pulls me closer until I can feel his cock digging into my stomach. “ Do you believe me now? ”

The words send shivers down my spine. “I need you too, Finn. I know it doesn’t seem like it but I do. I need you to want me even when I don’t feel sexy.”

With one swift motion, he lifts me up effortlessly, taking me by surprise. My legs automatically wrap around his waist. He cups one breast, pinching my nipple through the fabric of my shirt.

"You drive me crazy, woman. I want you all the time . Fuck, I was awake last night just watching you sleep. I wanted to bite these perfect tits.”

I arch into his touch, my nipple aching for more. "I need you so badly."

He chuckles darkly. “Since you run away from me in the light, maybe I should take you right here.”

My heart races at the words and I nod eagerly. “Oh my god, yes. Right here.”

He wastes no time, pushing his sweatpants down. I feel his cock pop out and I give it an appreciative stroke. He waits while I push my leggings down and step out of them before he picks me up again.

"Tell me you want it," he whispers hoarsely.

Yes," I moan. "I need you inside me. I miss you so much."

With a growl of satisfaction, he thrusts once, filling me completely. The exquisite pain mixed with pleasure takes my breath away. His fingers grip my thighs tightly as he pounds into me.

It’s quick and dirty and exactly what we both need.

The fact that we can't make a sound only makes it hotter. Each powerful thrust pushes me closer to the edge, but the only sounds in the room come from our skin slapping together and the grunt he makes each time he thrusts. I clutch his back, trying to hang on as he fucks me like a man possessed. I'm teetering on the edge, my body coiling tightly as the knot of pleasure in my core threatens to unravel. The fact that it’s so dark means every other sense is magnified.

I can hear his harsh breathing in my ear.

I can taste the sweat on his skin.

I can feel his love as his heart beats against mine.

With one final thrust, he pushes me over the edge. I cry out and his mouth covers mine to swallow the sound. Wave after wave of pleasure rocks me, leaving me breathless and utterly sated.

A few seconds later, a low growl escapes his lips as he finds his own release. His body trembles violently with the force of it, and I revel in the feeling of him falling apart. Why can’t I let go like this at home? Why is it so hard for me to trust that he wants me and only me?

As if he can hear my thoughts, Finn bites my neck playfully. “It seems a dark closet is the answer to all of our problems.”

I laugh softly. “Maybe it is. It seems easier to admit what I need in the dark.”

His hands tighten on my thighs. “It’s my pleasure to give you whatever you need. Just don’t run away from me anymore. Please.”

“I’ll make you a deal. When I’m feeling insecure, you can carry me into the closet.”

He chuckles. “That’s a deal. I might take you up on that later tonight. This house has a lot of closets. ”