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Chapter 3

CHAPTER THREE

I was sure that the food had been produced by magic. Tim had whipped up something that should be outlawed. I knew for a fact I didn't have hotdogs, cream of mushroom soup, animal crackers, Maraschino cherries, or pickled carrots in my pantry. The combination was gag-inducing. The only people eating were Candy Vargo and Tim. Everyone else had politely passed.

"While we wait for Gideon and Lilith to come back in, tell me about the Higher Power, please," I said. "Explain to me how It's different from God."

Candy Vargo pushed her clean plate aside, burped and popped a toothpick into her mouth. "God's a human thing," she explained.

"So, the Bible isn't true?" I asked.

"You wanna take this one, Angel?" Candy asked Cher.

"You betcha," she replied, taking a swig off her wine cooler then dabbing at her mouth with a Versace hanky. "Plenty of truth in it. Plenty of untruths. You know when you play telephone?"

I nodded.

"Well, that's kinda how it came to be. Short version, in my opinion, is this—stories got told and passed on repeatedly over the years—some got embellished, some got forgotten. Then they decided to write it all down in what would be recognized as a dead language today," Cher explained.

"Oh yes!" Tim said, pausing his note taking. "It was eventually translated by men into Latin then later into other languages."

"Men who might or might not have had different agendas," Charlie explained. "Basically, the game of telephone continued."

"Women were not involved," Heather added, pointedly. "Therefore, Immortals tend to look at the Bible as a collection of stories that make an attempt to lead humankind to do good."

"But them fuckers have taken the bits and the pieces that support their own beliefs. Bottom line is that God is love. Period. If all the fuckbuckets in the world would just abide by that they'd be a whole lot better off," Candy said flatly.

"So, God is real?" I pressed, confused.

The Keeper of Fate shrugged. "Depends on what you wanna believe, Badass. Many bloody wars amongst the humans have been fought in the name of religion. Some ain't never gonna end. Not real fucking sure if that's what God would have intended."

"Not helping," I said.

She shrugged. "Not trying to. Some questions have no answers. Some have millions of answers. Faith is a choice."

Abaddon hadn't said a word. He was very good at listening.

"Moving on," I stated. It felt like I was getting nowhere fast. I'd deal with what was directly in front of me. "The Higher Power. Explain."

To my relief, Abaddon decided to join the discussion. He was less cryptic than the others. "The Higher Power is more of an entity than a being—an elusive light. Smoke and mirrors—danger, love and wickedness personified. Not something to be questioned or called on. The Universe is neither black nor white. It's gray. The Higher Power could also be considered gray."

So much for being not cryptic. I squinted at him. "There's a problem."

He raised a brow and waited.

"I'm about to call on It. And I have a lot of questions. You just said that's a no-no."

The man who I trusted with my heart and my life, held up a hand. "You're not calling on It to come to you. You're going to It. You're not questioning the existence of It. You're demanding specific answers to a specific situation. Words are made to be interpreted in many ways. Keep that in mind."

"AND, if you get stressed, pinch your weenus. Just give it a twist, a yank and a squeeze, and the anxiety abates!" Tim recommended, pushing his sleeve up and displaying his elbow.

Again, Tim left me at a loss for words. I wasn't sure if he had all his brain matter. It seemed like he'd just advised me to masturbate in times of distress. However, his elbow muddied my guess. From the description, it sounded like he was referring to a male member, but I wasn't sure.

I glanced around. No one else thought the proposal was inappropriate or questionable. Immortals were an eccentric group. Maybe everyone got themselves off in times of tension. I sure as hell hoped not.

I went there. I had to. "My weenus?" The confusion and horror in my voice could not be missed.

Tim's embarrassed screech of laughter was only beat by Candy Vargo's cackle and Cher's loud choking on her peach flavored wine cooler.

The Courier's face was beet-red and he fanned himself. "Oh dear," he fretted. "Did you think I meant penis?"

"Uhhhhh…" It was the only sound I could get out.

"It's a logical assumption on Cecily's part," Daisy chimed in with a laugh. "I think it should be explained a little better."

"Ohhhhhh my," Tim said, turning even redder. "The weenus is the extra skin at the end of your elbow." He pointed to his own weenus. "The method was recommended by the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse who happen to be fabulous drag queens."

"Are you serious?" I asked.

"About the weenus or the Horsemen?"

"Both." I spared a quick glance to Abaddon. There was a slight grin pulling at his lips. If everyone was screwing with me, I was going to kick some ass. I didn't care how old or powerful they were.

"The Horsemen are most definitely drag queens and the weenus method is tried and true," Tim assured me.

I blew out a long and audible breath. I'd already agreed to live in Crazy Town, I might as well buy some furniture. "Does pinching the weenus give me more power?"

Tim considered the question thoughtfully. "Not in the literal sense. However, being centered with a calm mind is a power that magic can't touch."

He demonstrated.

When in Rome…

I pinched the skin at the end of my elbow and was amazed that I felt no pain no matter how hard I squeezed. Without pause, I pinched harder, then I twisted. No pain. It was kind of incredible. Even pulling on it was pain-free. Wild. This information would blow my brother away. Although, Sean knew tons of stuff. He'd probably been pinching his weenus for years.

When I looked up, every single occupant of the room was pinching their weenus. The laugh that left my lips was loud. It was also contagious. Even the Destroyer, who was usually the sexy and somber type, laughed. Call me shocked, but weenus squeezing did the trick. I didn't feel quite as on edge.

"I can't believe that works," I said with a giggle as I gave my weenus one last twist. "It's nuts."

"That it is and so are we," Heather agreed with a grin. "None of us would know normal if it smacked us in the face."

"Normal is boring," Cher announced, lining her lips in green eye pencil. "I don't trust normal. Two of my ex-husbands were normal. Nuff said. Ran from the last normal guy like my dang tampon was on fire!"

"Oh my God," I muttered. Cher's visuals were always disturbing. Walking over to the not-normal gal, I took the green pencil from her hand, reached into her seemingly bottomless bag and found a red lip pencil. I handed it to her. She went to town. The combo of green and red lips was risky, but she pulled it off. Very Christmassy.

"I'd suggest getting back to business," Heather said.

She was kind of a brook-no-bullshit gal. I liked that about her.

Daisy got us back on track. "I've never witnessed the Higher Power," she admitted. "I'm interested in this conversation as well."

"Wait," I said, looking around. "Has anyone actually seen It?"

"With our eyes?" Charlie asked.

I wasn't sure if it was a trick question or just the regular ambiguous behavior that the Immortals tended to favor.

"Yep. Eyes," I confirmed.

"That ain't how you see the Higher Power," Candy Vargo volunteered.

I stood silently and stared at her. My fingers twitched with the urge to zap her ass back to next Tuesday, and that wasn't a great sign. Candy was a powerful ally, powerful being the operative word, and chances were good, all that would happen is that I'd end up pissing her off. Did I really need a pissed-off Keeper of Fate on my hands? No. No, I did not. Not if I wanted to get Pandora out of her new box, aka my head. I clenched my hands into fists to keep my frustration under control before I blew it.

Abaddon, who must've sensed my patience wearing thin, came to my rescue. "Think of it like an immersive experience."

"Like one of those water tanks where you get all weightless and shit," Cher chimed in.

"Not really," Abaddon said. "It's a state of mind. Sort of."

Cher clapped excitedly. "Like wearing those fancy VD goggles the kids love these days."

"Are their goggles for venereal diseases?" Tim asked with a horrified expression.

Candy flicked a toothpick at him. "She means VR goggles. Virtual reality, not a sexually transmitted disease." She sniffed. "It ain't a half-bad notion."

Cher preened at her buddy's compliment, her green and red lips smacking as she grinned.

I shook my head. "Unless someone actually has goggles that will get me where I need to go, this is really unhelpful." Vague answers about immersive experiences were not going to work. "Okay. Let me try again. Where is the Higher Power?"

"On a different plane," Tim said. "Similar to the Darkness and the Light, but different."

Again, I wanted to smack everyone. "Do we transport there?"

No one spoke.

So, I did. "Like to the different plane? Do we transport?"

Silence.

I was half ready to open the metal door in my mind and ask Pandora. She had been in the presence of the Higher Power. At least, I thought she had. After all, It had given her the box—the box that she eventually became.

Thinking linearly was probably wrong. I was all human until very recently. Understanding and accepting a concept that people who had lived for millions of years could barely grasp was hard. Not necessarily impossible, but fucking hard.

"Let's break this down." I began to pace the room. "Either no one knows the answers, or you're not allowed to share. However, I have the Shitty Whore inside me, and I want her out. If there's another way to do that, I'm all ears. If that's not the case, then I have to get to the Higher Power, and I would seriously appreciate some layman's instructions."

Tim glanced over at Candy Vargo. His look was loaded. I was aware that they were besties even though she'd apparently mowed him down with a chariot and chopped off his legs a few centuries ago.

"Candy," he said, sounding far more serious than when he'd suggested pinching my weenus. "We must share what we know. Losing both Goddesses of the Darkness would bring on the end."

Candy slammed her hands down on the coffee table. "Only fucking problem we have is that it ain't explainable."

I closed my eyes and shook my head. It was the opening of the front door that kept me from screaming. Lilith and Gideon were back. My mother looked pale and resigned, but she wasn't sobbing. The Grim Reaper was tense. I was beginning to think that was his normal disposition.

"It's explainable," Lilith said. "However, the reality is always up for personal interpretation."

I rolled my eyes. At this point, I was ready to shove my hand down my throat and see if I could pull Pandora out. However, I'd wait and hear what my mother had to say.

The party hadn't started yet, but I had a wonky feeling it was about to.

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