5. Chapter 5

It had been two weeks since that fucking kiss with Ajax, and I couldn’t stop thinking about it. Every time my mind wandered, there were his damn plump lips, consuming the hell out of me. And fuck Cueball for calling me out on it in front of everyone! I didn’t talk to him for a week after that, but as always, he pulled me back into him without having to say a damn word.

I closed my eyes, still feeling Ajax’s hand pull my hair and fucking own me. He’d been so angry when I’d pushed him away, only to shove me onto my knees. Fuck me. I shuddered at the memory. If he’d shoved his cock into my mouth, I would’ve sucked him down without a thought. How’d he make me feel that way when I couldn’t stand him? It was like he knew what I needed, just like my Dom had all those years ago. And that shit pissed me off. I really wanted that again—I needed that again—but not with fucking Ajax.

I tried not to think about my Dom, to forget about all we’d been through, since he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. I tried to erase his name and what he meant to me for so long from my memories. No one fucking wanted me. After all that shit went down that day, I wondered if anyone ever wanted me. There was no wondering. No one did—not my father, not my mother, and not him .

As usual, when I thought about him, the memories would filter through, no matter how hard I fought them off.

“Who do you belong to?” he asks. He has me bound by ropes that bite into my skin. I love the stinging pain. Pain and pleasure combined are the best.

I’m face down, my legs bent underneath me with my ass in the air. Even as vulnerable as the position is, he always makes me feel special and loved. He takes care of me when I’m good and punishes me when I’m bad. Despite him controlling my body, I feel in control of my life. He knows when I’m spiraling and sets me straight and back on the right path.

When I don’t respond fast enough, he smacks an ass cheek.

“You!” I cry out. “I belong to you. Always. Forever.”

“Good boy,” he says, rubbing the sting away. “And I belong to you. You’re my special boy.”

I rubbed my chest over my heart at the memory, missing him, hating him. They all abandoned me. Lied to me. They never loved me.

Fuck him and my mother.

Anger was so much better than that agonizing loss.

Soon, Ajax drifted into my mind again, pushing out the other bastard, which was a good thing.

No!

It was a bad thing.

A terrible thing.

Ajax was a fucking prick!

“Enough!” I yelled out to no one, my brain completely ignoring me as usual.

Cueball was at work, and I didn’t do shit for a job, so I sat on the beat-up sofa in our living room, turned on the old Playstation , and booted up a game. I needed a distraction .

For a while, I got lost in the shooting game, killing zombies, but eventually, I got bored with that, too.

I tossed the controller onto the scratched coffee table and huffed on the couch, rubbing my face.

Ajax was a damn distraction that I didn’t need, but… craved. He kept bringing me back to what I wanted, and something I hadn’t had in years.

Could I?

Should I?

He hated me. I hated him. But fuck …

I was literally thirsty and starving for what I’d had once. My body and mind had never been more at peace.

I’d been so out of control for so long, and while Cueball helped me a little, it wasn’t enough. I needed to be touched, but I didn’t want love. Not again. Never again. I didn’t trust it. Ajax would definitely never love me, nor would I love him, which would be perfect for getting what I needed without throwing emotions and feelings into the mix.

Before I could change my mind, I went to the door, grabbed my jacket hanging on a hook, and tossed it on. A few minutes later, I was on a bus.

God, what was I thinking?

Could I lower myself to him? Could I trust him? Fuck no. I had a choice, but today, I was desperate and unraveling, getting lost in memories and resentments. I needed to let loose. If I let loose, I ended up hurting things, especially myself.

Why now?

Because you got a taste of what you once had , my brain taunted.

My sinking was enough to debase myself in front of Ajax, of all people.

It was a wonder I remembered where he even lived, having only been there once with Stone.

I paced in front of his door, gnawing on a fingernail enough to make it sting and bleed.

Years. It’d been years since I had someone who could help me. Was it help, though? Sometimes, I wondered if that bastard took advantage of me during one of my weak moments to take what he wanted. Regardless, I fed off it. I felt whole around him. I got something out of it, too .

I ran my fingers through my hair, snagging some strands in one of my rings.

“Fuck,” I hissed, rubbing my head.

With a deep breath and a pounding heart, I rapped on Ajax’s door.

I didn’t even know if he’d be home, but I knew he was off from Alpha’s tonight, and it was late enough in the afternoon, or so I hoped. Maybe it was best if he wasn’t home. Then I could save face and get the fuck out of there. Ugh, but then I wouldn’t get what I needed.

And what if he doesn’t give it to you? I thought.

Then I’d have to find it from someone else, but who?

The door whooshed open, and Ajax stood there, hair dripping wet from a shower and wearing only sweatpants. I’d never seen him shirtless, so I wasn’t expecting the muscles. And the scent coming off him was earthy and spicy, yet simple and clean. My heart rate kicked up as my self-berating almost overruled my need to be there.

His face went from surprise to a sneer. “What the fuck are you doing here, Kitten ?”

Before I let the doubts win, I ducked under his arm where it rested on the doorjamb, and shoved my way inside his apartment without his permission. Not even that stupid nickname could sway me.

He sighed and slammed the door closed.

Ajax’s place was a small, one-room studio with a kitchen and a bathroom, but at least he had his own place. He kept it pretty neat. In fact, it looked overly clean, with a hint of bleach and lemon in the air.

“I asked you a question,” he said.

I turned to face him. He was leaning against the door, arms folded over his chest, while I removed my coat, scarf, and hoodie.

“I didn’t say you could stay.”

“Will you shut up for a second?” I snapped.

“Only if you’ve come to apologize.”

“For what?”

“Oh, I can list about twenty things in my head. Do I need to spell them all out for you?”

I rolled my eyes. “As if you’ve been a fucking saint.”

Fuck, I couldn’t ask. No way. He’d laugh me right out there after humiliating me. Then he’d never let it go, shoving it in my face every time I saw him.

“Besides, can you even spell?” I asked, in my attempt to antagonize. Getting him riled up and taking control of me out of anger was the only way to salvage what was left of my pride.

His chocolatey eyes darkened as his brow dropped low before he walked over to me like a damn panther stalking his prey. No doubt he could break me in half, but I could hold my own.

“Did you just come over here to piss me off even more?”

Yep .

I was taking a huge risk to my very being, but I pushed again.

“Please, you love to be pissed at me. It gets you off. You were so fucking hard for me that night.”

His face turned dangerous, and the air crackled with violence.

“No, I wasn’t.”

“You think I didn’t feel your hard dick trying to shove its way into my ass?”

He stood so close, allowing me to inhale his spicy and clean scent and see all the water droplets trying to dry on his pale skin, covered in goosebumps.

“In your fucking dreams,” he hissed. “I. Hate. You.”

I braced for pain but hoped he’d react as he had the last time when I kept pushing him.

“Do you, though? I think you want me.”

I pressed my index finger to his hard, wet chest and dragged the moisture across his skin.

His breath caught before he finally lashed out, fisting my hair, yanking me away.

“Don’t fucking touch me again.”

My breath caught, and my dick pulsed to life when he didn’t let go of my hair, forcing my head back to stare up at him.

“You want me to touch you,” I antagonized as I rested my palm on his right pec. “You got off on our kiss.”

Ajax growled and shoved me down to my knees.

Fuck yes .

“I should shut your mouth with my cock, since you seem to want it so much. That’s why you’re here, right, Kitten ?”

Exactly, I thought, relishing that he was getting it, and I’d figured him out .

It was impossible to look away with him holding my head in place, but I didn’t try to escape, resting my hands in my lap as I was taught to do long ago. Even after all this time, I fell into my training and instinct.

“You don’t have the balls,” I said to really tip him over the edge.

“I’ll show you fucking balls.”

With his free hand, he yanked down his sweats, going commando. His cock wasn’t hard, but it was definitely growing. And growing. God, he was larger than expected. I looked forward to choking on it.

Ajax stood there, his swelling dick hanging out, his sweats wrapped around his thighs as his free hand pried my mouth open. “Suck it. And don’t fucking bite it off, asshole.”

I kept my mouth open as he fisted his cock and eased it into my mouth so deeply, I gagged, never taking my eyes off him even as they watered.

His earthy smell was even stronger around his cock and balls. The hair there tickled my nose as he shoved himself in deeper. I coughed and gagged again around him, but I breathed through it.

“Jesus…” he whispered.

Ajax pulled out, strands of drool following out of my mouth as I tried to chase his cock, needing more.

He pulled off his sweats all the way, spread his legs a bit, and fisted my hair once more. “Can you take more?”

“Don’t ask. Order me to take it.”

His face flashed in confusion for a second before he figured out what I wanted. “Open your mouth and take what I give you.”

I opened wide as he eased his dick into my mouth again, and I relished in his bitter taste and earthy scent. God, it’d been too long. I knew he’d figure it out. I still didn’t want fucking Ajax to be the one, and it didn’t mean I liked him or would put up with him, but he could feed me what I needed whenever I was hungry for him, even if it was only his dick.

“You like me using your mouth as a hole to fuck like a little whore? ”

My watering eyes said yes, but I couldn’t nod as Ajax thrust harder, hitting the back of my throat. I struggled to breathe, and there was so much saliva spilling down my jaw and chin.

When my fingers reached for his hip and dug into his skin, he stopped and pulled my hair tighter. “Clasp your hands behind your back. No fucking touching me.”

My hands instantly went behind my back, and I threaded my fingers together. For the first time in years, my head was silent, loving getting used again.

Fuck, I missed this.