23. Chapter 23

My apprehension grew like a parasite, filling me with fucking worry and confusion about what was going on with Ajax. All I knew was that he wasn’t okay, far from it. One minute, he bounced around like an excited feral ferret, and the next, he seemed to be in some deep depression.

I’d called him, wanting more sex and seeing if we wanted to push the live cam thing he’d been talking about. It would be a great way to make money while giving up the drug selling. I’d still have to find a job, but if we were good enough at it, we could make a killing after a while.

That wasn’t quite the truth, either. I wanted to see him, to be with him beyond the sex. Like, I actually wanted to hang out with him and learn even more about him.

But I’d called and called him with no answer. I went to his work at Alpha’s, but he hadn’t shown up, and no one had seen him, so they started calling him, also with no luck. My apprehension fed theirs. I told them I’d go over to Ajax’s place and find him with promises to tell his friends if he was okay.

But Ajax was far from okay. And that made me far from okay. Not being able to reach him for four days put me in a near panic, thinking he hated me after what we’d done to my Mom’s place, especially after I’d come to terms with how I felt about him… sort of. I couldn’t have him avoid me. I needed him more than I ever let on. He told me he loved me, dammit. While it terrified me, if I found out he’d lied or messed with me, I planned to fucking kill him.

But what I’d found instead wasn’t an asshole using me, but someone hurting, which sent me into a tailspin of worry and regretting my selfishness.

His apartment had crap everywhere, but it hadn’t looked like he’d been eating at all. There were no food containers or dirty dishes, and his trash can was virtually empty. Clothes were strewn on the floor, along with wads of tissues, shoes, a shattered phone, which explained why he hadn’t answered, and stacks of mail scattered on the floor.

Even worse, Ajax hadn’t shaved, bathed, or brushed his teeth. He and his apartment stank, but I didn’t care about that right now. I needed to understand the sudden shift with him and what I could do to help him get out of whatever funk he was in.

Maybe he just had a bad virus. That would explain all the tissues everywhere. But he didn’t appear sick.

I got out of Ajax’s bed when he rolled over, looking way too dejected, and I walked to the other side, forcing myself into his presence. He grumbled, but he’d scooted over for me. I climbed in again, got under the covers, and shoved my knee between his legs.

“How’s it all wrong, Precious?”

His lips trembled at the endearment, and he took a deep breath as if to keep from losing it. “I’m so broken, Aiden. I’m so alone.”

“How can you say that? I’m literally lying next to you, worried about you.”

“But why?”

“What the fuck do you mean, why?”

“Why are you here, Blaze? ”

I winced at him using my nickname. I really needed to get rid of it. That was my stepfather’s name for me, not mine. It should never have belonged to my friends or Ajax, but I hated myself too much to let them truly know me.

“I told you already. I’m worried.”

“ Why are you worried about me?”

I would have laid into his ass and told him what an asshole he was being had he not looked at me like some fucking lost and starving puppy. I kicked at a lot of things, but not puppies, dammit.

Before I could answer, he said, “No one cares about me. No one loves me. You were right that day when we first kissed. You said everyone leaves. I was so angry at you, so I said people only left you. How wrong I was. I lied to you that day. They all left me, too. My dad, my mom, my sister.”

A tear slid down his face, and on instinct, I wiped it away with my thumb. Where had that come from? I wasn’t affectionate or empathetic. Even more surprising, I kissed his greasy forehead.

“And I lied to you because I was pissed. Yes, people leave us, but look at our friends. If Stone and Cueball can stay friends with me, someone who has nothing to offer as a friend or… I’m a shit to everyone, yet they put up with my ass, anyway. And you… Fuck. You chose to help me instead of snubbing your nose at me or kicking me while I was already down. Your friends haven’t left you, Jaxon.”

“Where are they, then?”

“What do you mean? They’re always here with you. They adore you.”

He shook his head, breathing his stinky breath on me, his body reeking of old sweat, but I didn’t care. For some reason, I knew he needed me, despite my fears and doubts. Even if he didn’t love me as he said he had, Ajax needed help, and I wanted to help him as he had helped me.

“Jaxon… Listen to me. They haven’t come because I told them not to. I wanted to be the one to show up and check on you. They’re worried sick about you.”

“They’re going to leave me, too.”

“Never.”

“They may be okay with me now, but what about down the road? ”

I didn’t understand what was going on with him. How did one fall so fast and hard like this? Ajax had never come across as someone who was depressive and broken. Hell, even when he told me his story about his mom and sister, he was more resigned than sad, like he’d accepted his fate.

“Come on, Jaxon. You know they won’t.”

“But how do I know that? How do I know you won’t leave me, too? What if you do? I… don’t think I can take anyone leaving me again. I’m all on my own. People don’t stick around. Not my family, and not yours.”

He was right. Both of our families abandoned us. There were no guarantees in life. Fuck, I wanted to make a promise to him I wouldn’t leave, but I didn’t know. I couldn’t predict the future. I wanted to give him everything, yet I was terrified, too.

“I love you, and… you don’t love me. I get it. You don’t need love, just someone to help you. How could you love someone like me, anyway? I’m a fucking train wreck. One minute I’m blowing through all my savings, being a fucking nutjob, trashing my apartment. Next, I just want to… It’s like I don’t belong here in this world. I feel dislocated from life. I want to go back to how I was because it felt so good, but no matter what I do, I just…”

The relief that he still loved me was palpable. It made my heart fucking race and ache at the same time. My mind itched to tell him. Even with his suffering, I wanted to tell him how I felt, but would he even believe me? Would he think I was placating him? He seemed to be in that state. I didn’t know how to make him fucking better. But that wasn’t the only thing holding me back. I had my own fears about him leaving me . Could I tell him that? Should I?

“I’m afraid, too,” I said, wiping away more of his tears.

“What are you afraid of?”

“You—how I feel about you. That you’ll leave me . God, how I hated you at first. But you helped me, even when you hated me. You didn’t have to at all, but you chose to. I’ll never fucking forget that. So, now I’m here for you. You need me now. I’m not going anywhere.”

He squeezed his eyes shut and shoved his face into my neck, his hand clawing at my chest. His hot tears soaked through my T-shirt as he choked on his sobs .

This was beyond me. I’d never taken care of anyone before, and I needed help with Ajax. I had no idea how to do that, being selfish and needy my entire fucking pathetic life.

I tried to slide out of bed because an idea had come to me, but Ajax clung to my arm.

“I’m not going anywhere. I promise. But I need to clean out your tub. You can’t shower with your destroyed walls, but you can bathe. We can’t do that until I get rid of the trashed tiles.”

“God, what is my landlord going to think? He’s going to kick me out.”

“Don’t worry about that now.”

Ajax let me climb out of bed, and he pulled the covers over his head. I made my way to the bathroom and stared at the disaster before I went in search of garbage bags, which I found in his kitchen, along with a broom and dustpan tucked away in a little closet by the front door.

I tackled the big pieces of tile first, making a pile to deal with later. I swept up the smaller pieces and dumped them into the bag. Once most of the debris was out of the tub and put onto the floor or in the trash, I washed the tub as best as I could.

Satisfied that it was clean enough and that we wouldn’t cut our feet on broken tile pieces, I ran the water. As it filled, I poured some of Ajax’s body wash in to make bubbles.

The tub was full, so I went to get Ajax. I found him with his face peeping out of his covers, watching me, still looking like a fucking kicked puppy.

I sighed, still not knowing what to do. I just remembered my mom would always bitch about something, then demand that she needed a bath to relax, so maybe that would help him. Plus, being clean always made me feel better.

“Let’s take a bath.”

“I don’t want to.”

“You need to. You stink. It will also make you feel better.”

“I’m too tired.”

I sat on the corner of his bed, willing to give him another piece of myself, if only to get him moving. “When I was on the streets, I hadn’t bathed in so long. It was fucking awful. Cueball took me in, and I had my first shower in god knows how long. I felt like… a new person, the water leaving me refreshed, renewed, and whole.”

When he didn’t say anything and still didn’t move, I pulled off my shirt and jeans and tossed them onto the floor. Ajax never took his eyes off me.

“What if you take one with me?” I asked.

When he didn’t answer, I knew he was thinking about it. “Come on. We’ll bathe, and maybe I’ll make you something to eat. I’m not the best cook, but you won’t starve. Then we can curl up in your bed and watch TV.”

“You’ll watch TV with me?”

“Why the fuck not?”

I finally managed to drag him out of bed. We peeled off our underwear, and suddenly Ajax was on me, turning me so my back faced him. Gentle fingers ran over my back. I knew exactly what he was looking at. He’d left me quite a few bite marks. Some were superficial. Some had bled and scabbed over, the rest were bruised.

“God, Aiden… I’m so fucking sorry.”

“Stop it. Don’t be. I don’t care.”

“You should care!” he growled.

I turned around and took his scruffy face in my hands. “I do not care. It was hot. Sexy. I love you marking me and making me yours.”

His dark eyes looked uncertain before they flashed with guilt again. “I’m never doing that to you again.”

“It’s up to you, but stop feeling guilty. I’m okay. Remember our trust. You need to believe that I’m not lying to you. Now, enough of this. Let’s get into the bath.”

I climbed into the hot water first, and then Ajax got in, sitting in front of me, slumping his body forward. I grabbed his washcloth, poured his soap into it, and washed him as best as I could.

I lifted a heavy arm and cleaned his armpit, his arm, chest, and all the way down to his junk. He was in such a funk that not even my touching him aroused him. I swallowed back the insecurity because this wasn’t about me. Whatever was bugging him could’ve been the reason for the lack of a hard-on, and not because he’d lost interest in me .

Once I had his body washed, I wetted his hair with a cup I’d brought into the bathroom, then lathered it with shampoo. After rinsing it, I leaned back and pulled him against me so we could just sit there and relax in the steamy warmth. I may have slipped a couple of kisses in his wet hair.

Ajax’s head rested against my shoulder as he played with my fingers. We hadn’t said a word since we got into the bath.

As the water grew cold, we got out, and I dried him off first, and then I dried myself off.

“I draw the line on brushing your teeth,” I said, handing him his toothbrush and toothpaste. “You’re going to do that while I get dinner ready.”

Ajax took the items from me and did as he was told, thank fuck, so I got dressed in my underwear, and headed to his kitchen to see if he had any food that was good. I pulled out a loaf of bread that wasn’t too stale, some butter, and I found some cheddar cheese slices.

“Grilled cheese sandwiches, it is,” I said to no one.

While I was cooking, Ajax came out and got dressed in fresh underwear and sweatpants, leaving off a shirt.

“Feel better?”

“A little.”

“You look better. Probably smell better, too,” I teased and winked at him, but he couldn’t be bothered to smile.

Once I finished making the sandwiches, I sat at his little table with him, and we ate in silence.

I cleaned our dishes when we finished eating, then I poured Ajax some water, making him drink it all before dragging his ass to bed.

I leaned against the wall, with the covers up to my stomach, flipping through the channels on his TV to find something. I settled on some recent World War II movie as Ajax draped a leg and arm over me, resting his head on my chest.

Now, this was something I definitely wasn’t used to—snuggling. My stepfather held me only as part of my care, not out of any sense of love. I understood that now, but I hadn’t then. I took his care as love, fucking craving it.

But Ajax laying on me wasn’t part of any care. He snuggled into me because he wanted to, and he needed me. Sure, he held me as we slept, but that was after sex. This was… different. I wasn’t sure how that made me feel. A little scared. A little needy. A whole lot insecure. Despite the unfamiliarity of a body on me that had nothing to do with sex, I ran my fingers through his still-drying hair, hoping it made him feel a little better.

We’d only been watching the movie for about thirty minutes when Ajax’s body grew heavy. I looked down to see his eyes were closed, and he was snoring lightly.

I ran my fingers through his now clean and silky hair again, feeling weirdly accomplished, like I’d achieved something. For the first time in my pathetic life, I took care of someone else and made them feel better, even if it was just a little.

Regardless, I needed help with Ajax. I was no expert, but I could tell he had some depression. As soon as I got a chance, I planned to call Cueball.