55. Nothing

Nothing

Luella

I lock the door between our rooms when I return, although I’m tempted to enter Cassius' chambers to take the keys to mine. I doubt it matters. If Cassius or the Emperor want to enter, they will.

I ignore the knock that sounds through the room just as I begin to drift into sleep. His knock is louder the second time, rattling the door.

“Yes?” I say when I rip it open, trying not to slur the words with a pearl under my tongue. A vial of paralytic is in my fist, my thumb on the stopper.

He leans down to kiss me and I flinch back. His eyes widen. “Cor meum , what’s wrong?”

I had planned to play this out. On my way back from Mia’s I had considered the retorts I could use, the venom I could inject into Cassius and Tristan to poison their brotherhood, to distract them. Now each one shrivels on my tongue as I see his concern. It enrages me.

“What’s wrong?” I step forward, taking pleasure in the way he steps back. “What’s wrong is you coming in here. You’ll have to borrow his chains if you want to touch me again.”

“Chains? Luella what are you—” He doesn’t finish the thought because frantic knocking begins in the back of his room. Flavia flings herself through the servants’ door before he has a chance to answer.

“Dominus,” she gasps, her chest heaving as she takes greedy breaths. She sees me and pales. “Domina,” she rasps, nearly shoving Cassius out of the way as she falls to the floor in front of me. She grabs my free hand, the one not in my pocket, with both of hers. “ Vidua . We didn’t know.”

“Didn’t know?” I say at the same time that Cassius says, “know what?”

She looks between us, as if realizing what she’s interrupted, that Cassius still doesn’t know. She can see my rage, although I wonder if she thinks it’s for her because for a moment she just stares at me.

“I just heard,” she finally whispers.

I nod, not sure if I’m relieved or angry. Is Cassius so useless he can’t protect his wife on her wedding night? Or is this all a ruse?

I yank my hand out of Flavia’s grip. “You tell him,” I say, shutting and locking the door between us.

Cassius rages. Furniture shatters and glass breaks. He screams at Flavia. He pleads with me to let him in. He begs for my voice, for my anger. He tells me that I was gone when he woke and he thought I was in the Baths. He vows to kill them all. He apologizes for letting me down and he asks for forgiveness.

I lie on the bed, under all of the blankets. I’m motionless, held in place by more pillows than I need. Hearing him hurt shouldn’t please me, but it does. Because even though I can see it now, the lie Tristan tried to place between us, I still blame Cassius. Perhaps because he didn’t keep me safe. Perhaps, more unforgivably, because he made me feel safe in the first place. I blame him for the lie and the distraction. But most of all, I blame him so that I don’t blame myself.

I know that I will not survive that.

“ Cor meum ,” he says quietly, his voice muffled against the door. “Domina, please. Let me in.”

I let him cry and scream and beg, and I don’t offer my pain to ease his. I’ll share nothing with him again.