Chapter 9

NINE

Three months ago,Oakley could never have imagined actually living his life in a wheelchair. He would have pictured himself as completely helpless without the use of his legs, entirely at the mercy of others. The accomplishments of athletes with challenges who competed on an international level had been entirely abstract, and the television presenter Ade Adepitan had just been some interesting bloke Oakley caught hosting a travel show now and then. He never would have imagined any of the life or accomplishments of those people as something he would truly take to heart.

But there he was, spring blossoms opening up in the window boxes outside his newly renovated kitchen, plating up the supper that, well, he hadn’t made it himself, he’d ordered it. He hadn’t been much of a cook before the accident and he wasn’t about to start now. But he was able to transfer everything from the takeaway containers in which the courier had delivered supper for him, Heath, Aubrey, Eugenie, and even Marmie, who was on a break from university, and bring it all to the table by himself.

Not that Heath wasn’t champing at the bit to help.

“Are you certain I can’t do something for you?” Heath asked, sitting restlessly on the edge of his chair, as if he would leap up and do everything he could for Oakley, including changing his nappy—which, Oakley was endlessly delighted to say, he hadn’t felt the need to wear at all for the last week.

“Relax, Heath,” Oakley said, sending his brother what he hoped was the same sort of withering stare that would have decimated him before the accident. “I am perfectly capable of handing around a bunch of plates without falling out of my chair and into a puddle on the floor.”

In fact, he’d had a few incidents in the last couple of weeks where he’d been a little too ambitious and fallen out of his chair. And with Will’s encouragement, he’d kept calm, locked the wheels on his chair, and muscled his way back into the thing without anyone’s help.

Bastard that he was, Will had whipped out a sheet of large, gold stars and stuck one on Oakley’s forehead as reward for his efforts.

Oakley had wanted to punch the prick.

And he’d wanted to kiss the man within an inch of his life.

“Mum says we have to allow Oakley all the independence he wants,” Marmie said, sending Heath a smug look as he pulled his plate closer. “She says it never did any good to coddle him when he was a baby, so it won’t do any good to coddle him now.”

Heath stared flatly at Marmie. “If Eugenie were not sitting right here at the table, I would have a few choice words beginning with ‘F’ and ‘Y’ to say to you.”

Eugenie glanced up from where she had already started in on her food—Aubrey had suggested feeding her first to spare everyone else a tantrum—and started singing, “A, B, C, D, E, F, G.”

“That’s lovely, darling,” Oakley told her, then finished serving everyone’s dinner. He wheeled himself into place at the head of the table once that was done. “And thank you, Marmie, for recognizing my capability.”

Marmie laughed and sent Heath another superior look. Oakley half expected him to stick his tongue out at Heath, like he used to do not that long ago, when he truly was the baby of the family.

Heath sighed in exasperation as he cut into his steak. “Forgive me for being concerned about my older brother,” he said with a frown. “The accident wasn’t that long ago, and since you’ve banned me from spending time with you, I’ve no idea how to gauge the speed of your recovery.”

“I don’t need you hovering over me constantly,” Oakley said. He skated entirely too close to adding that he had Will to do that for him, and making every sort of implication with the words.

But he hadn’t mentioned to either of his brothers, or to Aubrey, that Will had been spending nights and weekends with him. He hadn’t mentioned that the two of them had grown closer than physical therapist and patient, closer even than friends. He definitely hadn’t mentioned that touching and stroking had become part of their therapeutic routine, or that neither of them were really fooled about what was going on when Will massaged his groin and claimed he was checking to see how much sensation had returned to those parts.

Oakley was convinced that wanting to feel those touches so desperately had actually sped his healing process along so that he could very much feel everything.

At least, a little.

“Mother keeps pestering me about whether we still intend to include you as a member of our wedding party in July,” Heath said with a slightly troubled pinch of his brow as he continued to eat.

“I bloody well am going to be part of your wedding party,” Oakley insisted. “I’m your best man.”

“Of course you are,” Aubrey said with a smile for Oakley and a warning look for Heath. “We wouldn’t have it any other way.”

Heath sighed and sent Aubrey one of those looks of deep communication that couples who were perfectly suited for each other could pull off.

The kind of look Oakley wanted to give Will and have Will immediately understand everything.

“Not having Oakley as part of the wedding party was never in question,” Heath said, a hard edge to his voice. He glanced from Aubrey to Oakley and said, “Of course you’re my best man. I had merely discussed with Mother possible adaptations we might need to make to the church or the ceremony to accommodate you. But now we’re thinking of having an outdoor wedding anyhow.” He smiled adoringly at Aubrey.

Prickles raced down Oakley’s back, but he couldn’t tell if they were anger or the much worse emotion of self-pity. “Don’t make any alterations on my part,” he insisted. “It’s your wedding.”

“Yes, but things will have to be altered,” Heath said impatiently, not looking at Oakley at first. “If we did a church, it would have stairs. There would need to be a ramp.”

Oakley stabbed the vegetables on his plate a little too hard. There would have to be a ramp. Everywhere he went now, he would have to think about that. He wouldn’t be able to take anything for granted anymore. He wouldn’t be able to take his life for granted.

“Are you bringing a plus one to the wedding?” Marmie asked, his cheeky smile a welcome relief to the tension growing between Oakley and Heath. “Only, I heard a little rumor that you’re seeing someone.”

Oakley nearly choked on his vegetables. He swallowed awkwardly, then had to reach for his glass of water to clear his throat. Doing so had the other three staring at him with various degrees of surprise and alarm.

“Has Ellis come back?” Aubrey asked. “I thought the two of you were through.”

If ever there was a subject that could flatten a conversation as far as Oakley was concerned, it was Ellis.

“No, Ellis has not come back,” he snapped, setting his water down a little too firmly. “I haven’t heard a single peep from the man since he gave me his half-hearted apology for wrecking my Bugatti the day after the accident.”

Honestly, Oakley was relieved that Ellis had abandoned him. They had broken up, after all, and while Oakley didn’t hold Ellis at fault for the accident in any way—Ellis had actually been trying to be helpful by driving when Oakley had been drinking, and he couldn’t have predicted the icy patch on the road—the glittering young man represented everything in the past that Oakley would never have again.

He would never have dazzling young twinks with pound signs in their eyes throw themselves all over him or sink to their knees for him so they could earn a designer watch or a shopping spree in Milan.

Oakley blinked and cleared his throat when he realized he’d drifted into his past and the others were watching him. He went back to eating as if nothing were out of the ordinary. Mostly so Heath would stop watching him like he might have a mental breakdown as well as a physical one at any moment.

“So I guess it was just a rumor, then,” Marmie said, diving back into his steak as well.

Of course, that would be the moment that the front door opened, the security system beeped as it was disarmed, and Will called from the hallway, “I hope you’re ready for a punishing workout this evening, because I’m in a bloody sadistic mood today.”

Everything at the table came to a dead stop. Three pairs of startled, knowing eyes snapped to Oakley. A few seconds later, as Will strode into the kitchen as if he owned the house, they all switched to him.

“Oh,” Will said, pulling up short once he saw the dinner party. “Sorry. I didn’t know I was interrupting something.”

Marmie and Heath glanced back to Oakley. Marmie’s grin was as wide as the ocean, like he’d discovered some deep, dark secret. Heath’s was just startled, as if he couldn’t decide whether he was indignant or pleased.

“I suppose that’s why you let the night nurse go,” Aubrey said with a sly smirk, leaning back in his seat.

“You’re not interrupting anything,” Oakley told Will, fighting not to let the moment turn into something bigger than it already was. “It’s just an impromptu family supper. There’s more on the hob. Pull up a chair and join us.”

He sent Will a look that contained an apology for his brother’s inferences and a plea to handle the situation with him. And blessedly, Will seemed to catch it all. He smiled warmly at Oakley, touched his shoulder briefly as he walked around the table to take down a plate from the cupboard, and then dished up the last of the food for himself.

Every easy movement he made was a screaming answer to Marmie’s question about whether he would have a plus one at the wedding.

Even though they had yet to actually have the conversation that went along with such things.

“Mum will be pleased to know that you have a professional looking out for you,” Marmie said, going back to his meal with a flash of impish delight in his eyes.

“Mother would be equally happy if I employed a bespoke nursing staff to tend to my every need twenty-four-seven,” Oakley said with what he hoped was dry derision as Will joined them at the table.

The rest of the meal was a bizarre combination of stilted and casual. Aubrey seemed to accept Will’s presence at the table and in Oakley’s life with perfect ease and understanding. Of course, he hadn’t known Oakley his entire life either, and he was preoccupied with Eugenie for a good portion of the meal. Marmie obviously thought the whole thing was hilarious, but pretended he didn’t, which made him insufferable.

Heath had been very quiet for the remainder of the meal, watching every little interaction between Oakley and Will as if he would take it back to some sort of lab and analyze it later.

“I do hope you know what you’re doing,” he murmured to Oakley at the end of the evening, as Oakley demonstrated his independence by bringing Heath his coat at the door.

“What I’m doing is none of your business one way or another,” Oakley told him with a tight smile.

“Yes, I know,” Heath said, his expression taking on that exasperating care that both warmed and frustrated Oakley, “but he isn’t some disposable twink who you can kiss goodbye when it’s over and never think about again. You’re a thousand times more vulnerable now. Especially…especially since he’s your therapist.”

Oakley didn’t need a detailed explanation to know what his brother was getting at. His psychologist had raised the same questions of codependence and inflated feelings because Will had been instrumental in his recovery.

“I can assure you, Heath,” he said coldly, a little too aware of the others coming toward them from the end of the hall, “my emotions are not imaginary or unhealthy. In fact, I think they’re more real than anything I felt for anyone I’ve dated in the past.”

Heath sighed and took his coat. “You know that actually makes me worry more instead of less.”

He didn’t have a chance to elaborate as the others reached them. A final round of goodbyes and thank yous and promises to do the same thing again on a more frequent basis followed. It all felt like a bunch of fuss and nonsense to Oakley, and he was glad when he finally shut the door, leaving him and Will alone.

“That was unexpected,” Will said, grinning down at Oakley as he rolled back from the door.

Oakley glanced sardonically up at him. “It really was a last-minute thing. Heath has been itching to get back in here and fuss over me, and Marmie is home from uni for a week. I…I should have warned you.”

“No, no,” Will said, following Oakley down the hall to the kitchen, which, unsurprisingly, Aubrey and Marmie appeared to have completely tidied up while Oakley had been talking to Heath. “I loved seeing the look of shock and horror on your brothers’ faces when I walked into the room. Each one of them had an entirely different, sordid explanation for my presence in their eyes.”

“Yeah, sorry about that.”

He wanted to add that he hadn’t told them about the two of them yet. He wasn’t sure what “the two of them” was. He certainly knew what he wanted it to be, but he had no idea how to initiate that conversation without looking like a total fool.

Or risking some sort of misunderstanding that would end with Will walking out and never talking to him again. Like Ellis and too many before him.

“Right,” Will said, clapping his hands together after looking around the kitchen and seeing it was in order. “Shall we retire to the gym?”

Oakley send him a wry grin. “Always in a hurry to get me on my back.”

That simple quip earned him far more of a reaction than Oakley anticipated. It seemed to charge the air with something scintillating and dangerous.

“Off we go, then,” Will said, taking charge and pushing Oakley’s chair down the hall to the room with the lift.

The sense of latency only grew as Will helped Oakley out of his chair and onto the mats in the gym for his nightly stretching routine. The movements and intimacy of the bending and flexing were as familiar as the sun rising and setting, but for a change, neither he nor Will spoke very much through the whole thing. Oakley was highly aware of the sound of Will’s breath, though. It was hitched one moment, then deep the next, as if he were working hard to contain himself.

Oakley didn’t want him to contain himself. He never did, but now more than ever, he wanted Will to unleash all the passion that had obviously been building inside him. When Will leaned over him to work his hip, the intimacy of the position had Oakley’s head spinning. Will could so easily have leaned down to kiss him, covering his mouth and filling him with sensation that no damaged part of him could impede.

That sensation buzzed and slithered throughout Oakley’s body as Will paused with one of Oakley’s legs lifted high and wide. Excitement danced in his eyes, and a smile transformed his face into a thing of absolute beauty.

And then he uttered the supremely romantic words, “Is that a half-chub I feel?”

Oakley started out laughing, then sucked in a breath. It wasn’t his imagination or wishful thinking. Will’s hand caressed him, and he felt more than the vague, distant sensation of being touched. He wasn’t exactly hard, but Will was right, there was a certain…tumescence going on.

Panic rushed in where arousal had been moments before. “I….” Oakley didn’t know what he thought or felt, whether it was victory or shame.

“Shh,” Will said, pulling back and moving his hand away from Oakley’s groin to cup the side of his face. “It’s alright. No pressure, no rush. It’s just progress.”

Will moved on with the rest of their routine, but Oakley wanted to scream. He did not want it to be just progress. He wanted his body to obey what his mind wanted so desperately. He wanted to get hard for Will, to give him something more than just weakness and potential. He’d been such a good lover once, passionate and generous. He wanted to give to Will what he’d once wasted on too many pretty faces who never cared a whit about him.

He turned his face away as Will bent and flexed his knee. One moment, Will had been so close to him, so ready for more. Now it felt as though he were miles away, even though he still had his hands on Oakley’s body. And it hurt. Not the way everything had right after the accident, when his body was still traumatized and his mind believed he would be a useless lump for the rest of his life. It hurt to know he’d come so far and had the potential to go so much farther, but Will would keep his distance.

But he would only keep his distance if Oakley kept him at arm’s length. That realization slipped over him as Will worked his way up to stretching and opening his hips. Everything had changed since the moment Will had stormed into his hospital room, seething over something that had nothing to do with Oakley, but taking it out on him in a way that made Oakley immediately want him. This wasn’t a dance on that fine line of therapist and patient that everyone seemed to think it was.

This was real, and it would only happen if Oakley fought for it, like everything else in his life now.

“I want you,” he said, terrified and invigorated as Will stretched over him again, spreading him open in every way that counted. “I want to date you and have sex with you, but I’m so afraid—”

His voice cracked and disappeared entirely as a sob caught in his throat. Tears threatened as well, which made the fraught moment even more terrifying.

But Will was perfectly still above him, watching the emotion flow through his expression and seemingly holding his breath. Oakley felt the heat of his body like a part of Will’s soul reaching out to him, giving him strength and willing him to go on.

Oakley swallowed and summoned up more courage than he’d ever needed before. “I’m desperately afraid I won’t be able to give you what you need. I’m terrified that my body will never work that way again and that I can’t give you pleasure. I’m scared that I won’t feel what I want to feel when I’m with you, that my body won’t do what you need to be satisfied with me. I’m afraid—”

Will stopped him, pressing his fingers to Oakley’s trembling lips. The intensity of his stare as he looked down on Oakley was so powerful that the tears Oakley didn’t want to admit to, let alone shed, broke free and streamed down the side of his face. It was too much, too hard to bear the thought of losing the one man he’d ever let so deep into his heart because he wasn’t man enough for him.

The moment of hope and defeat and shame for all that he wasn’t anymore squeezed at Oakley until he thought he would implode.

And then Will dipped down and captured his mouth in a kiss that made him see stars.