Chapter 11

Chapter 11

Cordelia paced the length of her bedchamber, the soft rustle of her skirts doing absolutely nothing to distract her from the tumultuous thoughts in her mind. She could not shake the image of Julian's haunted eyes as he erupted with his anguished confession. The hurt in his voice had pierced her heart, and she felt an overwhelming need to confide in someone, to seek advice on how to mend the rift between them.

A rift that currently felt like a chasm that she was totally unable to overcome.

She decided to seek out Penny. The housekeeper and lady's maid had been a constant source of comfort and wisdom since Cordelia arrived at Whitestone Hall. Surely, she would know how to navigate the complexities of Julian's pain. Penny truly did seem to understand Julian in a way that Cordelia did not.

Cordelia found Penny in the kitchen, supervising the evening meal preparation. The comforting aromas of roasting meat and freshly baked bread filled the room, but that did nothing to lift Cordelia's spirits. She felt like she had the weight of the world on her shoulders, and there was nothing she could do to shake that off.

"Penny," Cordelia began softly, not wanting to startle her. "May I have a word with you?"

Penny looked up, her warm eyes meeting Cordelia's with concern and curiosity. "Of course, My Lady. Let us step into the parlour, where we can talk privately."

Cordelia nodded gratefully. The last thing she wanted was to be overheard. This was a deeply personal conversation and needed to stay between them.

Once they were seated in the cosy conservatory, Cordelia took a deep breath, trying to steady her racing heart. "Penny, I had a conversation with Julian earlier today. It did not go as I had hoped."

Penny's expression softened. "What happened, My Lady?"

"He spoke about his scar," Cordelia said, her voice trembling.

"He said that every time he looks at me, he is reminded of my initial reaction, and it makes him feel like a monster. I gasped with surprise because I had no warning of what he was about to show me, and now he thinks I see him as a monster, and it is tearing him apart. I never meant to hurt him, Penny. I only want to help him and to be there for him, but I fear I have only made things worse."

Tears brimmed behind her eyes. The emotion caught her in a way that Cordelia was not expecting.

Penny reached out and took Cordelia's hand, her grip firm and reassuring. "Oh, my dear, it is clear that you care deeply for him. Julian's wounds run very deep, both physical and emotional. It is going to take time and patience to help him heal.

Clearly, he has taken your initial reaction the wrong way, and now he cannot overcome that. I am afraid I have seen him take people's reactions to heart before."

"So, what do I do?"

"I can only really suggest time …"

Cordelia could not stand that idea. "But how can I ever reach him when he keeps pushing me away? He would not even stay for tea. I feel so helpless."

Penny gave her hand a comforting squeeze. "You have already made great progress, My Lady, more than you might realize."

"But what do you mean by that?" Cordelia asked helplessly. "It does not feel like I have made any progress at all."

"Julian agreed to sit with you, even if only for a short while. That is a significant step forward."

"I do not think he will ever agree to sit with me again."

Penny nodded slowly. "Then perhaps we need to try a different approach."

Cordelia wiped away a stray tear, looking at Penny with hope and desperation. "What do you suggest?"

"Well," Penny said thoughtfully, "if Julian is uncomfortable with you looking at him, perhaps an activity where you are side by side might help. Something that does not require constant eye contact. Have you considered inviting him for a walk in the gardens? The fresh air and the beauty of the outdoors might do both of you some good."

Cordelia's face lit up with newfound enthusiasm. "Do you think so?"

"I do. I think it will help you both to connect as you please."

"That is a wonderful idea, Penny. A walk might allow us to talk more freely, without the pressure of sitting face to face. Thank you so much for the suggestion."

Penny smiled warmly. "I am glad I could help, My Lady. Remember, Julian needs time to come to terms with his pain. Be patient with him and continue to show him the kindness and understanding that you have since you arrived. In time, he will see that you are not his enemy, but his ally."

Cordelia nodded, feeling a renewed sense of purpose. "I will do my best, Penny. I want to be there for him, to help him find happiness again."

"I believe that you are more than capable of this, My Lady. I am sure that you will sort this out and things will be better for the both of you."

"Thank you for your support and guidance." Cordelia smiled, hoping that this was the advice that would help her move things forward. She so desperately needed that. "I do not know what I would do without you, Penny."

"Well, I shall always be here whenever you need me."

With a grateful heart, Cordelia left the parlour, her mind already planning how she would approach Julian with the invitation for a walk. She knew it would not be easy, and there would be challenges ahead, but with Penny's wise counsel, she felt more confident in her ability to bridge the gap between herself and her husband. She felt like it was no longer completely hopeless, which was just what she needed to spur herself forward.

***

A few days had passed since her conversation with Penny, and Cordelia had spent each one thinking carefully about how to approach Julian. She had decided that perhaps a letter would be the best way to communicate her feelings without overwhelming him with an in-person confrontation. It would be easier for both to process the information that way.

She sat at her writing desk, the afternoon sun casting a warm glow over the room. Her thoughts swirled with anxiety and determination as she dipped her pen into the ink and began to write, allowing the words to flow straight from her heart.

Dearest Julian,

I would first like to apologize for taking so long to communicate with you. I have been trying to process everything, as I am sure you have, too. But I need to express something, and I believe this may be the best way for me to do so.

When you spoke of my reaction to your scar, it broke my heart to know that you believe I view you as a monster. Please, Julian, understand that my gasp was not one of horror or revulsion.

It was simply a moment of surprise, an unexpected reaction to something I had not anticipated. I am deeply sorry that it has caused you pain, and I want you to know that I see you as a man of strength and resilience, not a monster.

Your scar does not change how I feel about you. If anything, it speaks to the courage and endurance you possess, qualities that I deeply admire. I long for your company, Julian, but I respect your need for space and your hesitation to open up to me.

I have been thinking about ways we might spend time together to try and get to know one another better. I plan to explore the estate more thoroughly and would feel much safer with you by my side. The moors can be treacherous, and I would appreciate your guidance and protection. Additionally, I am not well versed in the estate's layout and would rather not get lost or encounter any ruffians on my own.

Please consider joining me for a walk. We can go at your pace and talk if you feel comfortable or simply enjoy the fresh air in companionable silence. It would mean a great deal to me to have your company.

I leave the decision to you and will await your response with patience and hope.

Yours sincerely,

Cordelia

Cordelia carefully folded the letter and held it for a moment against her chest, close to her heart, feeling the weight of her words, and hoped that Julian would understand her sincerity.

She made her way to Julian's study, her heart pounding with nervous anticipation. The house was quiet, the afternoon sunlight streaming through the windows, casting long shadows in the corridors. Reaching the study, she hesitated before lightly knocking on the door.

There was no response.

Cordelia listened intently, but all she could hear was the faint ticking of the grandfather clock in the hallway.

Julian was not there, which might have been for the best because she was not entirely sure what they would say to one another. Taking a deep breath, she slowly opened the door and stepped inside.

The study was just as she remembered it, filled with an air of quiet contemplation. The heavy oak desk was cluttered with papers and books, and the large window behind it framed a view of the sprawling estate grounds, bathed in the soft glow of the afternoon sun. Cordelia moved carefully, not wanting to disturb the organized chaos that was Julian's workspace.

She placed the letter gently in the centre of his desk, weighing it down with a small, ornate paper weight she found nearby.

For a moment, she stood there, her fingers lightly grazing the edges of the letter as if to impart some of her resolve onto the paper. She hoped Julian would read it and understand the depth of her sincerity and the earnestness of her feelings.

As she turned to leave, a faint noise from the hallway made her pause. Cordelia's heart leapt into her throat, wondering if Julian had returned. But it was just the creak of the old house settling. With a final, lingering glance at the letter, she quietly exited the study, closing the door softly behind her.

Walking back through the house, Cordelia felt a sense of calm wash over her. She had done what she could, and now the next move was up to Julian.

As she wandered through the corridors, her thoughts shifted from Julian to the house itself. Cordelia decided to distract herself by exploring and deciding which room she would restore to its former glory next. The drawing room had been such a success, and now she needed something to take her mind off the long waiting game that she would have to endure.

She walked slowly, her footsteps echoing softly against the wooden floors, and peeked into various rooms. Each space had its own story to tell, and she could almost feel the echoes of the past lingering in the air. She just needed to work out which past wanted to come into the future now.

Eventually, she found herself in a small, cosy parlour overlooking the garden. The room was modest compared to the others but held a certain charm. Sunlight streamed through the large windows, illuminating the dust particles dancing in the air.

A few comfortable chairs, a delicate tea table, and a fireplace that begged to be lit on a chilly evening completed the space. This room felt manageable, a small project she could handle while waiting for Julian's response.

Cordelia smiled to herself, feeling a sense of purpose. She could start here, bringing life back to this little corner of the house. It would be a way to occupy her time and channel her nervous energy into something productive.