Chapter 23 - Veronica

I'm trying to breathe, but I can't breathe. I'm trying to think, but that's not working, either. I might be having a panic attack. I try to think about what the guidance was in nursing school, how to help someone having a panic attack, but I can't remember, and trying to remember is just making me more anxious.

Anxious that I'm losing myself. I don't know who I am anymore if I'm not a good nurse. That, if I'm pregnant, and I stay in Rosecreek because of that, I'll be tying myself down in exactly the way I never wanted to.

At once, I can picture two futures stretched out in front of me—one in which I take my baby, and I keep working as a traveling nurse, as we'd be something like me and my dad, except I'd be more loving. I'd work hard to get all the money we'd need, and when I got home from long shifts, we'd have short, intense moments of bonding to make up for the long, lazy weekends most of the kids and parents got to have together.

The other future is staying here, in Rosecreek, with Percy, watching him become the world's most perfect dad, so understanding and kind and there . Our kid would know how loved they were, would grow up surrounded by plenty of other kids, by Linnea's and Rosa's kids. They'd be born into a big family, the kind of family I'd always dreamed about having as a kid.

But if I'm technically a vampire, does that mean that my kid would also be technically a vampire? If I stayed here, would I be giving them a bad life?

Is there anywhere I could take them so that they could get away from what I am? I wish that I had been more careful with Percy, that we had been less feverish, more thoughtful. Why hadn't I insisted on using a condom? I realize I was on the pill before the kidnapping but had forgotten to get back on after they found us and brought us out.

I was too busy dealing with everything else, and now I'm pregnant.

I can't stop thinking about how the shifters talked about vampires—how Percy described their meetings to me. They don't negotiate with vampires. Byron, especially, apparently hates them with a passion.

What would the Rosecreek pack do if they discovered that I'm technically a vampire? Would I ever be welcome here? Lately, there's been a strong tug in my gut, telling me to stay, to choose Percy, to make Rosecreek my home. But would that even be possible? They all think I'm a shifter, and revealing to them that I'm a human would have been bad enough—but a vampire?

No. I'm on the outside here. And I don't even want to think about how they might view my baby, the life I swear I can already feel growing inside me. I think about Maisie and Rosa, their faces when they saw, and wonder if I could ask them about paranormal pregnancies and how they differ from regular ones.

But they might tell me about shifter pregnancies, assuming that information would help me most. How could I possibly ask them about vampire pregnancies without tipping them off that something was very, very wrong with me?

If there's a town like Rosecreek, I think, that's full of shifters, and humans who are okay with shifters, does that mean there's a town full of vampires and humans with the same opinions on them?

Or are vampires so ubiquitously bad that all humans and paranormals hate them?

Aris and Percy are constantly talking about "the pack." Do vampires have packs, or are they individuals, drifting around aimlessly?

Surely, they have some sort of group, or they wouldn't be able to coordinate an attack, wouldn't have appointed a leader. I close my eyes, wishing I'd been turned by a shifter instead. I don't love the idea of turning into an animal, but at least the shifters seem to like each other.

The only consolation I can think of is that at least I don't need blood. The thought of drinking blood, of biting or hurting another person, instantly makes me light-headed and sick. I heard someone say that most of the humans turned by vampires ended up taking their own lives before following through with what it took to stay immortal, looking young, powerful, healthy.

At once, I feel like I can understand Percy's decision, that day out in the woods, when he found out he was poisoned with the serum. He would instead take his own life than jeopardize another, and I would, too.

Strangely, even though I know it might just make me feel worse, I wish Percy was here, he had his arms around me, and he was comforting me and making me feel like everything would be okay. If anyone was a testament to that fact, it was him.

I'm in his apartment, pacing back and forth, back and forth. The sun has gone down outside, and he's not back yet. The mission is taking a lot longer than I thought, but I suppose one perk of this whole blood-bond thing is that I know he's not dead—because I would be, too.

This late, the apartment is completely dark, but I realize I can see perfectly weaving in and out of the few pieces of furniture like the lights are on, even when they're not. The entire time I've been here, pacing around, I've been thinking of all the ways I would decorate to make the place more homey.

Adding throw blankets, board games, and ottoman, and an armchair. It's kind of refreshing that Percy doesn't have a TV, but part of me still yearns for the ability to come back and zone out, letting the TV do the work for me. I could use something like that right now, a mindless distraction.

When I think about watching TV, though, it feels like it might just make me more anxious. I turn, curving around the chair from the table still pulled into the living room. I can see it clearly, see everything in the apartment clearly, as though the lights were still on, the sun still shining brightly through the windows.

I blink, realizing this is one of the things Rafael was talking about. That seeing in the dark is something I can just do now. Some people might be stoked about the idea of a bunch of new abilities, but I've been in this body for a while. I feel like I just got to know it, and now, suddenly, it's changing on me.

I realize it extends to much more than just my sight—I can smell the faint burning of the char on the inside of the baking oven downstairs. I can smell the tobacco smoke, at least thirty years old, baked deep into the walls of this apartment, reminiscent of a time when people merrily smoked indoors.

On the street, I hear the stray chirping of a cricket, a single step of someone walking home, water dripping from a storm drain at the end of the road, near the street sign.

I take a deep breath, and I can hear the nodules in my lungs expanding. It makes me want to rip my skin off. I'll have to ask Rafael if that's a common side effect of vampirism, too.

Another thought occurs to me: How am I even going to begin talking to my therapist about this, when half of the important details would have her committing me in a heartbeat?

The moment the door opens, and Percy walks in, I can tell something has changed in him. A little bit of that uncertainty is gone from his face. He comes inside, hanging up his jacket, and when he turns to me, his face instantly fills with worry.

"Veronica," he breathes, coming to me and taking my face in his hands, "what is it? What's wrong?"

I collapse into him, letting him hold me. He scoops me up and carries me to bed, kissing away the tears on my cheeks until I'm not crying, just breathing hard and staring up at the ceiling.

"What's wrong?" he says, his eyes taking inventory of me yet again, hoping that if he just looks at me enough, he might figure out what upset me. I look at him, see the concern there, the worry steeped into his face.

"I think I just need to cuddle," I murmur, and he immediately complies, taking me to bed and wrapping himself around me like a protective coating.

***

The next morning, I wake up tangled in Percy, who's in good spirits, kissing me and tugging him to me. But, for the first time since the blood-bond, I'm not in the mood for sex, or even affection. He catches onto his, and runs me a bath. While I sitting in the water, I smelled him cooking breakfast, and I feel suddenly very nauseous.

I get out of the bathtub and throw up with the water running, praying Percy doesn't hear.

"Veronica?" he asks, when I'm brushing my teeth, trying desperately not to cry, avoiding my reflection in the mirror. I slip back into the bath just as he's opening the door.

"Yeah?" I ask, trying to seem like I've been relaxing the whole time. He sniffs a bit, wrinkling his nose.

"Did you—were you sick?"

Of course, he can smell it. Because my "mate" is part wolf. A sob inches up the back of my throat again.

"Uh, yeah," I say, clearing my throat. "I think I had a bad milkshake last night."

"You got milkshakes without me?" he asks, crossing his arms and leaning against the doorjamb.

"Well," I say, doing my best to smile. "I suppose you should be glad about that, huh?"

He still doesn't look convinced, but he goes back to the kitchen, muttering something about not letting anything burn.

Less than ten minutes later, I think I've spent long enough in the bath to convince him I'm okay, and I'm toweling off when he appears in the door again, his face completely changed from bright and relaxed to worried.

"Hey," he says, bouncing a little with nervous energy. "The head vamp is here. Aris wants us at the meeting."

"Us?" I ask, swallowing. "Me, too? Even though I'm a human?"

"He thinks you're a shifter," Percy says, dropping his gaze to the ground. "And he thinks you're going to be part of the pack, so he wants to include you."

"That's…great," I manage to choke out, putting my fist between my teeth to keep from crying when he turns and leaves, saying we need to get going in five minutes.

As I pull on my clothes, my entire body aching from the stress, I pray we can keep up this little ruse in front of everyone at the meeting.