Chapter 19 - Byron

It is complete and total torture to be sleeping on the couch while I know Olivia is in my bed, wearing my shirt, her bare legs sliding against my sheets—

I groan into the pillow under my head and squeeze my eyes shut, wishing I could have relief from this feeling. My body insists that I know exactly what I need to do if that's what I want—who I need to go to.

After two hours of trying to sleep, and not being able to, I drag myself off the couch and head to the bathroom. I take a long, cold shower, jack off twice, and when I'm out, I don't feel any better than when I started.

"Hello?"

"Do you want to go for a run?"

"Uh," Percy says, "you never do cardio willingly. Are you good?"

"I need to work through some stress," I say, rolling my shoulders and hearing how they pop with the movement. "Are you in?"

"Well, I guess I might be getting a little out of shape, with all the laying around Veronica and I have been doing—" There's a muffled thump on the other end of the line, two voices, then Percy says, "Veronica wants me to tell you that she's been doing pregnancy yoga and Pilates."

"That's…great," I say, closing my eyes and hoping my innate dislike for her doesn't come through the phone. Percy is quiet for a second, and they seem to communicate through their mating bond.

My mind blinks back to how I'd done that with Olivia, unthinkingly—just sent her something into her head. It was the most natural thing in the world.

Being with her is the most natural thing in the world.

"I'll meet you at your place," Percy finally says, before hanging up. I grab a pair of shorts from the living room and pull them on, then find a sweatshirt, smell it, and pull it on.

If I had a mom, or a wife, they might insist that I put on more layers, but I've always run hot, and if I'm exercising, I'll melt with anything more than this, even though it's December in Minnesota.

When I step outside, Percy is there, jogging and breathing hard, his face illuminated in the streetlight. His face has started to return to its usual youthful joy, but I can't stop the image from forming of what he looked like when we first found him out in the woods—sallow, wrinkled, his eyes empty and dark.

While under the effects of Varun's serum, he had no idea what he was doing. The serum kept him from shifting, which eventually drove him into a fugue state. It's crazy to think that despite that, and despite the fact that he kidnapped Veronica while in that state, the two of them are together and happy now.

Something sparks in my chest—the idea that if the two of them can get through something like that, maybe Olivia and I can work through our thing.

Except that, I know we can't. It would require one of us to fundamentally change.

"Hey, man," Percy says, when I get to the bottom of the steps. "What the fuck is wrong with you? It's freezing out here. I should be cuddling with my wife."

"She'll probably be happy to have the bed to herself," I say, pulling on a pair of gloves and thinking about the content, sleepy smile Olivia would get when I'd climb out of bed in the morning. I'd go to the dresser for clothes, and by the time I went for the bathroom, she'd have starfish in the bed, taking up every square inch she could.

"Too right," Percy laughs, shaking his head. We start to run, and a few paces later, he says, "Veronica has this crazy idea."

"Oh, yeah?" I ask, thinking it's going to be something about baby names.

"Yeah," Percy says, sucking in a breath and spitting out the rest like it's burning his mouth. "She thinks you don't like her."

I roll my lips into my mouth, biting them, trying to figure out what to say to that—how I can answer in a way that won't immediately flag as dishonest.

"Oh," Percy says, clocking my hesitation. "Shit, okay. Well—why? Other than the fact that she took me away from you, of course."

He punches my arm, and I let out a little laugh, watching my breath puff in the air ahead of us. I shake my head, staring at my feet, thinking about my conversation with Olivia.

Social circles.

"Okay, so, I hate sharing this because everyone always gets weird about it," I say, my voice coming out breathy. It feels good to run, not have to look at him as I say it, and have something to do with my arms. "My parents were murdered by vamps when I was a kid. Or—my dad was murdered, my parents were blood-bonded, so my mom died in front of us. Just happened," I snap, "like that. No time to think. Spaghetti burning on the stove."

"Shit," Percy says, and I hear his footsteps next to time.

"Yeah," I say, sucking in a deep breath of the frigid air. "So, I guess I, like, have this thing against vamps, you know? I've always hated them. Think I placed the blame for my entire shitty life onto that entire group. Which was fine, because everyone hated them. Until suddenly, everyone didn't, and we were trying to negotiate with them, and Veronica wasn't a shifter after all, but actually—"

We come to a streetlight, and I jam my hand into the crossing button, leaning over and putting my hands on my knees. Until this moment, stopping for air, I didn't realize how hard I was running.

"Shit, Byron, I didn't know—"

"I'm trying to work through it," I say to the ground. "It's not like I want to feel like this around her—you know? It's not about her, it's just—"

"Honestly, man?" Percy says, laughing a bit and putting a hand on my shoulder. "I think she's going to be happy to hear this. That it's about the vampire thing. I think she's been worried that you don't like her personality, or that you don't think she's good enough for me, or something like that."

"Yeah, right," I laugh, straightening up and smacking his hand away. "It's completely the opposite. She is way too good for you, you know that, right?"

"Oh," he says, nodding, tears appearing in the corners of his eyes. "I know."

"Gross," I say, turning away, heart twisting at the sight of how much he loves her. "Keep that shit away from me."

We run through the crosswalk, and a moment later, Percy takes a deep breath, clearing his throat.

"Speaking of that shit ," he says, and I shake my head.

"You don't have to do this."

"You're miserable , man," Percy says, voice soft. "Ever since I came back, I see you and Olivia together, and it's like you make perfect sense. But, for some reason, you hate each other. I just don't get it."

"She wants something I can't give her."

"…what? Rare shit in a video game or something?"

"No," I laugh, before looking up at the sky, watching as the first slivers of light break through the clouds. Despite the freezing temperatures, it's yet to snow in Rosecreek, and I know Linnea has been hoping for a white Christmas.

"Then what?"

"Kids."

I say it before I can think it through, and when I glance at Percy, the look on his face is so pitiful I know I've communicated something wrong.

"I mean," he says, "there's always adoption, or foster car—"

"No," I say, pumping my arms harder, "not that . Like I can't—I can't be a dad. I can't take care of kids. I've always known it's not for me, but Olivia wants that. She wants a family more than anything. And if I give into this shit—the mating bond and the blood bond—then she'll be stuck with me forever, and one of us will have to cave, and it can't be me."

"You ever tried therapy, man?" Percy asks on a laugh. "Bigby hooked me up with this great paranormal therapist, and—"

"I'm not opposed to therapy," I say, even as my stomach sours at the thought of sitting down and laying out all my shortcomings for some random person. "But I just—I can't do it. Be the person someone depends on. Especially now that Olivia and I had the blood bond? What if I die while I'm out in the field? And leave my kids with nothing? And nobody to take care of them, just like—"

I come to a skittering halt, realizing that I can't breathe and my vision is swimming. Percy stops beside me, and tells me to tip my head up, to put my hands on my head, look to the sky, breathe, breathe .

As my vision clears again, I realize we're on the outskirts of town, near the woods. Percy doesn't look too happy about the location, as it's where he was for years while suffering from the effects of the serum.

And here I am, having a panic attack, when I should have been thinking about my friend.

"Shit," I say, shaking my head, trying to walk through the dizziness. "Sorry."

"By," he says, taking my shoulder a bit forcefully and pulling me back so we're face to face. "I know the blood bond isn't ideal. I know it sucks. But here's the thing, man—"

Percy pauses, looking out into the woods, his throat working.

"Let's say something happened to me. Something happened to Veronica. Dude—I fully expect you to raise this fucking baby like it's your own. And you know—"

"We all would," I say, shaking my head, "you know Linnea would never let—"

" That's exactly my point," Percy says, his eyes sparkling when I meet them. "Your kid isn't just your kid. They're our kid. Our kids. All of our kids. Don't you love Araya?"

"And Bubba," I say, rolling my eyes, "and Kaila. And yours."

"Right," Percy says, nodding, pulling back. "Clearly, something shitty went down when your parents died. The pack should have been there for you. Should have taken care of you and your brother. But you're not in that pack anymore. You're in the Rosecreek pack. And things are different here."

"Sometimes too different…" I mutter, and Percy punches me in the shoulder playfully when a figure emerges from the trees, dark and shadowed. The two of us tense immediately, but it only takes me a second to recognize him.

"What are the chances?" Zane says, pulling an earbud out and coming to a stop in front of us. Of course, the one morning I want to go for a run, my brother is out here, too.

I can feel Percy's curiosity practically rolling off of him. Apparently, news of my brother's arrival hasn't spread through the entire pack just yet, despite Linnea meeting him and inviting him to the Christmas party.

"Hey," I say, clearing my throat, unsure what to say to him. Olivia said he was staying in a motel. When I look at him, I just think about his hands on her, touching her back and her hands, and rage flushes through me, head-to-toe. I want to launch myself at him, fight him.

But maybe that wouldn't just be about Olivia.

"Calm down, brother. We wouldn't want you to have an attack, right?" Zane says, rolling his eyes and taking another step toward us. "I was just trying to get a rise out of you." Then, his eyes sliding to Percy, he says, "Nice to meet you. Surely, Byron's told somebody around here that I exist."

"No," Percy says, glancing at me quick when he reaches out to shake Zane's hand. I hate everything about this, just want to get away.

"Listen," Zane says, when he's standing in front of us again, his hand on the back of his neck. "You got any free time this week? I want to sit down with you somewhere."

"Oh, you don't want to take Olivia out again?" I spit, surprised at the venom in my voice.

"Oh, gladly," Zane says, his eyes flashing, that familiar sibling rivalry rearing its ugly head between us. "But if you can believe it, brother, I actually came here to talk to you."

I stare at him, his casual posture, how everything is just so easy for him. After years of not talking, he comes to see me and knows I'll give in. I'll sit down with him and listen to anything he says. Because he's my brother.

"Fine," I say, swallowing and looking away from him. "Sure."

"Okay, great," he says, nodding and holding his earbuds up to his head, readying to put it back in. "You have my number."

With that, he puts the bud back in and jogs past us, disappearing into the tree line again. I swallow, trying to think about what I'm going to say to Percy, and how I can possibly encompass my entire experience with my brother in a few words.

I feel emotionally exhausted. I'm not sure if I can get into it right now.

"It's way too cold to be standing here," Percy says, clapping his hand on my shoulder, "and, also, can we please get away from these fucking woods?"

I nod, turning with him and running back the way we came, grateful he won't push it right now.