Chapter 19 - Namid

Chapter 19

Namid

Fear.

My entire body hurts, and I want to retreat back into the darkness. Worse than the pain is the fear. The room is filled with it. It's so uncontrolled and intense that it takes me a moment to push it aside far enough to force my eyes open and attempt to figure out what's going on.

Jayce. It's Jayce's fear, Ken's too.

When I finally manage to blink away the blurriness that clouds my vision, my gaze lands on Jayce. He looks tired and ragged as he sits in a dining chair beside the bed. He's leaning forward with his elbows resting on his knees. One of my hands is clasped between both of his, and his thumbs are slowly tracing across my skin. I focus on the sensation, the warmth of his touch, the roughness of his callused palms. It helps push the fear back a bit further.

I tighten my hand in his, gripping his fingers .

Jayce's head snaps up, his eyes panicked and searching. He's on his feet in an instant, leaning over me and cradling my jaw in his hands as he peppers soft kisses across my forehead and cheeks, and the relief that floods the room engulfs me.

"You're okay. Jesus, Namid, I thought I lost you. You're okay, love. It's all okay now."

I tilt my head back so that I can brush my lips across his. They're wet and salty, and they tremble against my skin. As I shift against the pillows to reach a hand up to his face, sharp waves of pain shoot up my arm and across my chest. What in the actual fuck? I suck in a ragged breath as my gaze shifts down. My arm is in a cast, bandages cover half of my chest, and bruises litter my skin.

"Fuck." A half-groaned, half-sighed curse is all I can manage as I suddenly remember how I ended up like this and why the room is filled with fear.

Jayce moves at my side, and his brilliant green eyes fill my world as his fingers gently trail across my cheek once more.

"I know, baby. I know. But it's okay. It's your wrist and a couple of ribs, but that's all. You're going to be just fine."

His voice cracks as he speaks, and he feels frightened and desperate. He's so worried about me. He loves me so much, and he's so worried. I never thought I'd know what it was like to have someone care about me like this.

"I love you. "

It's all I can think to say to try and calm him, to reassure him. Even if I could find more words, it's all I really want to say. Nothing else matters.

He chokes out a strangled sob as his lips twitch into a small smile, and a rush of blue and gold and magenta love and relief and peace rush around us, forcing away the anger and fear that have radiated from him since I woke up.

"I love you too, beautiful."

His lips catch mine in a slow, tender kiss that says we'll get through this together, that we'll always be together. His kiss lingers, soft skin playing against soft skin, until Ken starts to feel uncomfortable enough being in the same room that I can't stifle a chuckle as I pull away from Jayce.

"Sorry, Ken."

He stutters out a response. "It's okay. You can keep going if you're not finished."

I snort out a laugh. "You're already more uncomfortable than I've ever felt."

"Stupid feeling everything," he mumbles under his breath, even though he knows we're both able to hear him.

Ken reaches out to rest a hand on my shin as Jayce settles back into his chair with my hand between his once again.

"As long as you're happy, I'll learn to live with watching you play kissy face." He exhales a deep, shuddering breath. "We were scared, kid. "

"I know. I was too." My admission quickly squashes the moment of humor, and even though the room is still filled with love and relief and gratitude, there's concern as well, from all of us.

"I still can't believe something like that happened here." Ken's voice, normally smooth and professional after the years he's spent speaking quietly with those who've lost loved ones, is harsh and rough. "I know it's a small conservative town, and I know a lot of folks have always been wary of the way you showed up here, Namid, but I grew up here, and I've always believed that in their hearts, these were good people. I really thought that even though it might take time for people to accept the two of you being together, eventually they'd see that you were happy and let you live your lives in peace."

Jayce sighs as sadness and hurt envelop him. "I wish I could say the same thing, but I'm not all that surprised. I'm stunned that anyone resorted to actual violence, but I never expected to be accepted, not really. I figured a handful of people might learn to be okay with us, but I've known since I was a kid that I'm different enough that most people in a town like this would never treat me the same if they knew."

My hand is still nestled between Jayce's, and I squeeze his fingers tightly. "We have each other now. That's enough, right?" I glance over at Ken. "All of us."

Ken squeezes my shin as Jayce brings our hands to his lips and kisses my knuckles.

"Ya, beautiful. It is. "

The next few weeks feel like moments out of time, and everything blends together in a haze. It's almost as if we've stepped outside of our reality and are simply existing as we wait for some sense of normalcy to return. Jayce puts up a sign saying that the shop is closed for an indefinite period of time, and he stays home to help care for me. I don't actually need all that much help after the first few days, but I like having him around. While neither of us wants to dwell on what happened any more than necessary; we both feel the need to be close to one another most of the time. My ribs hurt every time I move, but it doesn't take long for me to learn to accomplish basic tasks without twisting my torso too much, and like Ken, I've lucked out in the sense that it's my non-dominant wrist that's broken. While I'm perfectly content to have the man I love washing me with lingering, sensual touches while whispered words of adoration fall across my skin every time I shower, I'm grateful that I don't have to experience the embarrassment of needing him to help with other…daily activities.

Jayce is cautious when he touches me, which is something my ribs appreciate, but there are times it feels like more than that. There are moments when it feels like hesitation and fear force him to hold back. When we curl up together at night, he clings to me as if he's afraid I'll be gone when he wakes up. But when our kisses become desperate and our hands stray across bare skin, he seems to temper the fire that I know burns through his veins in the same way it courses through mine. I want him to let go. I want him to touch and taste and overwhelm my senses until there is nothing but him. When we talk, he tells me that he's fine, that he's simply waiting for me to recover, but something has shifted between us, and it feels like a part of his soul has slipped back into darkness.

While Ken declines Jayce's offer to stay in the guest room, he comes by for a few hours every night, and we have dinner as a family. We laugh and joke and try to keep the mood loving and light, but there is a shadow that hovers around the edge of our existence. Everything is the same, but at the same time, everything has changed. The calm, comfortable bubble that we'd woven around us at home and at Jayce's shop no longer feels safe. There is a dim, grey film that seems to cover the world no matter how hard we try to scrub it away.

"I don't want to reopen the shop." Jayce's voice is calm and quiet, but his words echo loudly around his small kitchen as our little family sits together at the dinner table.

I'm too stunned to speak, but after a long, silent moment, Ken recovers. "What would you do if you didn't have the shop?"

"I'm not entirely sure, but even though it was only two people who attacked Namid, that was three weeks ago, and Shelly is the only person who's called or come by to see how we're doing. I don't want to do work for anyone who can so easily ignore something like that happening in their own town."

"You just want to give it all up? Everything you and Jordyn worked for?" I can't believe it's something we're even talking about.

"I've been thinking a lot, and it's not just that I don't want to reopen the shop - I don't want to stay in this town. I want a life with you, a real life. I want what we had in Seattle." Jayce's eyes flash with a ferocity I've never seen before.

He glances over at Ken as he continues. "You too, Ken. I think we should move, all of us, as a family."

He reaches across the table and curls his trembling fingers around my hand. "We've all lost too much here. We don't need to lose anything else."

He leans closer, raising our hands and pressing a kiss to my palm. "I almost lost you, Namid. They almost took you from me. I won't let them. I won't let anything happen to you again. We could move to Seattle. We could have a new start, a new life. We could build a life together."

"What about everything else: your house, Ken's business? We can't just…leave." I'm struggling to process everything that's happened, everything that he's saying, but deep down, I'm excited by the idea.

"Yes, we can. Those things don't matter. All that matters is that we're safe and happy. All that matters is us. You're my whole life, Namid. "

He feels so eager, so hopeful, and a shiver runs through me as his warm breath ghosts across my skin and his emotions wrap me in their embrace.

Can I say yes? Can I really let them give up their lives here?

Ken's voice is hesitantly thoughtful when he finally speaks, breaking our long silence, and I can feel it as his emotions shift. He's still concerned for me, still scared and upset over what happened, but excitement and hope are slowly starting to build in his soul as well.

"I think that's a really good idea. I'm tired of loss, tired of death. I watch the two of you together, and I realize that I miss Kat. I mean, I always miss her, but I realize that it's not just her that I miss. I miss having a partner. She was the great love of my life, and I don't know that I'll be lucky enough to find that type of love again, the type you two have for each other, but Seattle is a big city. Who knows, there might be someone out there for an old man like me."

My gaze darts back and forth between them. They're waiting for me to say yes. They want me to say yes.

I take a deep breath as my lips twitch into a smile. "Okay. Let's build a new life."