9. Annie

ANNIE

Mid August 2014 - Annie is 18, Sam is 20

"We made it!" I can't help but jump up and down in my seat as the New York City skyline comes into view. This is really happening, I'm going to culinary school. I'm going to live in New York. I feel like Taylor Swift would be so proud. I pull out my phone to turn on "Shake it Off" which is her newest single. I have a feeling I'll love "Welcome To New York" in a couple of months once her new album drops. But for now, this feels like a good anthem. I'm leaving behind my past—shaking it off if you will—and starting fresh.

"We made it." Sam grins at me. We've spent the past several days in his truck driving across the country to get here. I've got one suitcase in the bed of his truck and Sam has even less. It seems weird, to leave everything behind and start a new life—together—but we're actually doing it. "And I know you're about to play Taylor Swift, I'll allow it. Just this once."

Sam has never been a huge Taylor Swift fan, which is fine as long as he doesn't actually care if I listen to her music or not. I laugh and click play and the already familiar beats fill the cab of the truck. "We're really here. I'm really doing this."

"You sure are, sunshine," he says from behind the wheel. Noah will be joining us in a couple of months, but Sam volunteered to drive with me out to New York so I'd be here in time for the semester to start.

Right before we left, I told my mom that I was leaving. She was mad, just like I knew she would be. For a second, my mind goes back to a few days ago.

"You can't leave now, what will I do without you?" Mom screams as I throw my backpack into the front seat of Sam's truck.

"I'm going, mom," I tell her. There isn't anything in the world she could possibly say that would make me change my mind. I've been counting down the days for this moment since I was fourteen.

"But, Noah's moving to New York too. I thought that if he ever left, at least I'd still have you." Mom gives me an angry glare, and my insides twists. I have to say no to her. I am not going to stay for her. I hate that despite everything, all of her harsh words and insults, there is a part of me that wants to stay and take care of her—like she's asking for.

"I got into the culinary school of my dreams, Mom, I'm going. And we're leaving now." I take a step back and run into Sam's chest. His hands move to my shoulders as if to say he's ready to back me up if he needs to.

Mom rolls her eyes. "If you would stop being so obsessed with food and having a career, you could find a nice husband and settle down here to help me out."

My heart tightens in anger, all of the parts of me that wanted to say leave my body in one breath. Help her out as in pay all of her bills and wake her up when she's drunk and passed out so she can get to work on time so she won't get fired. Again. I'm tired of being my mother's keeper.

"Mom, I'm eighteen. I'm not ready to settle down and start a family." I ignore Sam's warm grip that's still on my shoulders. I don't think about how good it feels to have his hands on me. I still don't want to settle down and have a family, not with the role model I've had, I'd probably just screw it up. But there's no telling that to Mom.

"So?" She asks as if what I've just said is completely absurd. "I married your father when I was nineteen, but I'd known him all through high school. You need to get married. You need to stay here."

"No." I stare her down. I think this is the first time in my life that I've used the word no as a complete sentence and it feels good. I am not backing down.

Mom simply stares at me with the look that has made me crumble at times, but today I won't. Today I'm leaving for New York City.

"We need to get on the road if we want to make it to Kansas City today," Sam says from behind me. "I'm sure we'll call sometime, Ms. Jones."

Mom simply huffs at Sam. If she had it her way, I'd marry him and stay here and make a dozen adorable babies. But Mom isn't going to get what she wants from me, not ever again. She's taken too much.

I lift my chin with my new found confidence. I'm starting over, I'm finally leaving this life behind. "Bye." I don't give Mom a second glance as I climb into the passenger seat of the truck.

Sam walks around and climbs into the driver"s seat. He turns the key in the ignition. "Ready, sunshine?"

"I'm ready," I tell him. And I don't look back.

"We can get the keys to the apartment in two hours, so where should we go first?" Sam asks me, bringing my mind back to the present. I'm here. I'm in New York. I actually left. I wait for the ache to come—homesickness, missing the only home I've ever known—but it doesn't come.

"Let's find some food," I tell him, as I glance out the window. We're stuck in New York traffic and all of the skyscrapers are taller than I expected. But I'm here, I'm actually here. I grin as I pull out my phone. "I've got a list of places I want to try."

"Perfect." Sam glances over at me and I meet his eyes. They are the perfect shade of blue. Like the sky in the summer on a clear day. Or what I imagine the ocean looks like. His gaze softens when I don't look away. When I'm with Sam, it's like we're in our own little bubble. I want to stay here forever, with him looking at me like maybe I wouldn't screw up a relationship like my mom always does. Like maybe his love would be enough to fix all of my broken thoughts. A loud honk from behind us makes me jump, and I look away.

Sam starts to drive again and I pull up my list on my phone. What just happened? We are friends, and he moved here so I didn't have to be alone as my friend. We can't be more than that. I try not to think about what it means, him moving across the country with me. I don't want to give him the wrong idea, but I also don't know how to live my life without him. I know it's not fair of me to feel that way, but I can't let him go. I don't want to let him go. So at least for today, I'll be selfish a little longer.

We end up at a fancy new restaurant—not far from where our apartment will be—called Austen's. The hostess leads us to a candlelit table for two. Glancing around I notice how out of place our shorts and T-shirts look. I drape the cloth napkin across my lap. "This place seems way too fancy, are you sure we can afford it?" I whisper across the table. "Even the napkin feels fancy."

"I just got my first five-figure sponsorship," Sam tells me. "We can afford it, at least we can today."

I can barely contain my excitement, but I do catch him watching me.

"What are you going to order?" he asks as we look over the menu. "I don't even know what half of this stuff is."

I laugh. I've been reading cookbooks since I fell in love with food when I was fourteen, but Sam doesn't know as much about food as I do. "The steak looks good, or the prime rib. Oh, I might get the duck." I've never tried duck. I have always wanted to, but Mom thought it was too much of a luxury and would have lost it if I'd ever come home with a duck to cook. "Yeah, I think I'll get the duck."

"I'll get the prime rib, then," he says and sets his menu down, grinning at me. "Just think, someday, you can be the head chef of a place like this."

I flush, because that's my dream. To be a head chef in a fancy place making delicious food for people. Food that people will remember for years after they eat it. "I'd love that."

"You'll do it," he tells me. "You're Annie freaking Jones. The best chef there is."

We order our food and the exhaustion from all our traveling starts to hit me. "What should we do after this? You're going to have to keep me awake because I'm going to pass out while walking."

"You should have slept in the car today," he scolds. "I knew you were tired."

"I didn't want to miss getting to the city."

"I would have woken you up," he says. "I know how much this means to you. I wouldn't have let you miss it."

"Thanks, Sam." I run my hands over the soft napkin in my lap. "Where are you going on your next trip?" With a new sponsorship, that must mean he'll be leaving again soon.

"I'm going to Japan," he says. "I haven't been there yet, so I'm really looking forward to it. My sponsorship is for a new Airbnb type thing that is opening over there, so no camping for me."

A lot of the trips he goes on are hiking and camping trips. He loves backpacking and hopes to backpack through Europe someday.

"Sleeping in a bed will be nice, right?"

This past week was the first time I ever left Colorado. We hit a few famous stops on the way from Colorado to New York, including some food pit stops that were on Diners, Drive-Ins, and Dives just so I could say that I finally tried it. But I can't imagine what it would be like to go to Japan. I've never even been on an airplane.

"Right." He smiles. "I'll be there for two weeks, then I've got a few trips on the East Coast planned for this fall. I've heard it's beautiful here."

"Cool," I say. I'll mostly be busy with school and work—once I get a job—that I probably won't see him all that much, even though we'll be living together.

I lean back in my chair, the exhaustion of all the travel hitting me and we fall into a comfortable silence until our food arrives and it looks even more amazing than I could have ever imagined. The first bite of duck melts in my mouth. And Sam moans in pleasure as he eats his prime rib. "I think you have to work here someday, just so I can come and eat this good food that was made by you."

"I could just learn how to make this food," I tell him.

"If you do, I'll think I died and went to heaven. This is freaking amazing."

I smile, happy to have converted him into a food lover. There's just something incredible about food that is made with love and that is delicious.

"I don't think I need to eat for a week," I say as we step out into the New York summer heat. "That was so amazing."

"Agreed," Sam murmurs. "I'm so full but I could not stop eating. Where to next?"

We end up back in the truck, since there's only two-hour parking at the restaurant and drive slowly through the city toward Central Park. A New York staple.

"This is incredible! I can't believe we're actually here," I say for the millionth time as we take a walk around the park. We walk near the carousel and I take in all of it. It's amazing out in the middle of a city there's a park so big that it doesn't even feel like I'm in the city now. I'll have to come back for sure whenever I'm missing nature.

"I love how happy this makes you." I turn to look at him, pausing in the middle of the path. Sam smiles. "Seeing you like this, you seem so alive, I love it."

"I love it too," I tell him. "But it's not just the city. I'd be lying if I said the company didn't have something to do with it." I blurt out this last part and wish I could take back my words when Sam's eyes turn soft and tender as he looks at me. They might be the truth, but there's no future for us. I might feel something more than friendship for Sam, but I don't date. And yet, I can't seem to push him away either. I don't want to push him away, I don't want to keep him in the friend zone.

He takes a step closer to me. "Oh yeah?"

"Yeah." My breath hitches as Sam puts a hand on my waist and I watch as his eyes move to my lips.

"This okay?"

"Mhm." My mind is screaming at me but I ignore it. I know I should put a stop to this, but what if this is my only chance to be kissed by Sam?

He leans in closer. "Still okay?" he asks and I can feel his breath on my face. He smells like cinnamon gum.

"Yes," I breathe.

"Annie?" he asks and I'm slightly thrown by the use of my name and not him calling me sunshine, but I recover just in time for him to say, "I'm going to kiss you now."

I nod and he closes the distance between us. I never let myself daydream of this because I knew nothing but a broken heart would come from daydreams, but now I wish I had spent some time thinking about what kissing Sam—or anyone for that matter—would be like. I just ate the best duck in my entire life and didn't think life could get any better.

But I was wrong.

His lips are soft and warm and he wraps his arms around me as I kiss him back. The kiss is all him, soft and gentle. Tenderness in every touch. Full of hope and warmth and I want to melt into his lips. I pull back. We both blink in shock.

"I can't," I say suddenly. This was a bad idea. I shouldn't have let him kiss me, his lips are going to haunt me for the rest of my life because I'm not the kind of girl that he wants to marry. I'm not the kind of person who gets married and with Sam, well, that's where kissing will lead. "I can't."

"Come on, Annie," he whispers, a fierce look in his eyes. "I know you feel something between us too."

"We can't," I say again. "We're going to be living together. I'm going to school. I don't date."

"We could be friends with benefits," Sam says, but I can't do that. He wants more, he wants everything. I can't give that to him. I can't give it to anyone. I won't give it to anyone.

"I can't," I say as tears bubble up in my eyes. "I need you to date, to move on."

"Annie…" His voice cracks.

"No," I tell him, breaking eye contact before this completely rips me apart. I can't see him look at me as I break his heart. As I break my own. "We won't ever be more than friends."