38. Annie

ANNIE

Sam is still asleep when I sneak out of the cabin. I walk the half mile to Hannah and Graham's cabin and knock softly on the door.

Hannah opens a minute later, two steaming mugs of hot chocolate in her hands. Because just like Tally, my brother's new wife, my dear friend loves hot chocolate more than just about anything. I texted her yesterday, telling her I needed her this morning and she told me she'd be up and ready. Because Sam and I woke up around dinner-time yesterday, made some Top Ramen (not my favorite thing, but it's what I had) and went promptly back to bed.

"Is Graham up?" I ask and she shakes her head.

"No, he's getting some good sleep so we can plan our next hiking trip in a month. We've got a group of five that are coming and he's thrilled, but he wants to rest as much as possible before we spend a few days in the mountains with a bunch of people in their early twenties."

"When is the hiking trip again?"

"Beginning of August."

I take a sip of my hot chocolate. "Cool."

"But I know that's not the real reason you needed to come over here. Tell me everything."

"I kissed him," I tell Hannah. "A lot, we've kissed a lot. And we slept in the same bed every night."

She squeals, just like I knew she would. Her love story with her and Graham was a windy road, but they got their happy ending in the end and I guess the same goes for me and Sam.

"You slept with him? Go Annie! Emily will be so proud."

I flush. "No, not like that. We just slept in the same bed. I'm not ready for anything else yet…I want to go slow."

"I really need to meet this man," Hannah smiles at me. "Because I don't believe you. I think you are ready, but that you're just scared."

I shift uncomfortably. She's not wrong, but I don't want to admit it.

"Well, I'm sure you'll meet him soon, he's asleep in my cabin right now."

"What?" Hannah jumps up. "And you left him to be here with me? Now I know you're freaked. You're trying to run. Again."

I sigh. "It's not that simple, Hannah."

"Sure it is." She looks at me. "You love him, right?"

Tears well up in my eyes. "More than anything, I just hate that it took me so long to realize it. And I don't think I can do this to him. My nightmares, the panic attacks, it's a lot for me to deal with, I can't put all of that on him and expect him to deal with it too. He should be with someone who's carefree and doesn't have all these issues."

Hannah snorts. "Everyone has issues, Annie. And if Sam is half the man you've made him out to be, then I don't think he's going anywhere. Sure, it'll be hard. Living with a mental illness is tough on a couple for sure, but you can do it."

"I don't deserve his love," I say quietly, voicing the fear that's been swirling in my head ever since we left Hawaii. "He's too good, and I don't deserve that."

She sets down her hot chocolate mug and looks out at her land. "I used to think that too."

"What?" I gasp, it's hard for me to believe that she ever felt the way I do. I know she's struggled with depression her whole life, but she and Graham are so in love.

She nods and looks at me. "I haven't told you this part of my story, even though you know so much of the hard stuff. But I left Graham for a while, I broke off our engagement and a few other things happened, but I didn't think I was worthy of his love. And I'd told myself that so much that I believed it and I tried to convince Graham of that. It became too much for him, he got tired of trying to show me the truth—that he was always going to love me—and I could see that, so I left."

"But you're so worthy of love. Everyone is," I tell her.

She nods and gives me a smile. "Everyone includes you. And I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, but if you really love him—and I think you do—you need to tell him and you need to work through the thoughts that he's too good for you and that you're not worthy of his or anyone's love, because you are."

I'm quiet. Logically, her words make sense to me. But after Mitch, it's been hard for me to feel worthy of any kind of love. I never had a mother who genuinely cared about me and I probably never will. But I don't have to keep her in my life, it's okay to cut that tie because all she's ever been is critical and mean.

I don't feel worthy of Sam's love because of my own mental health, because of all the years I spent telling him that I never wanted to date, but he stuck around anyway. I spent most of the day yesterday regretting that we spent so much time kissing while we were in Hawaii. I feel like I'm not ready to go full speed, even if I want to. My mind doesn't feel ready. I can see so clearly how much he loves me and I don't want to hurt him by not loving him the same way, even though I feel that love in my heart.

"Just think about it," she says. "And go back to him, I'm sure he's going to be less than thrilled if he wakes up without you."

"Yeah?"

"You're freaking amazing, my best friend in the entire world. He'd be sad if you aren't there, worried even. You carry all of your emotions right on your sleeve. I bet he knows all of the thoughts you've been having without him having to hear them. Go to him."

I nod, setting down my hot chocolate. "Thanks for the drink, want to do lunch tomorrow? Or sometime before you leave me to go into the wilderness?"

Hannah laughs. "I'm not leaving you. I'll be back in two weeks, and you could come if you want."

"Hiking is not my thing," I say, laughing back.

"I know, but someday, I'll get you to come with me."

"You'd be the only one who could," I tell her truthfully.

"I know." She smiles at me. "Now go tell your man you love him."