23. Annie

ANNIE

January 2024

I end up booking a flight to Colorado after leaving the apartment. I don't want to go home, but I feel like maybe the mountains will help me. People like nature, right? That's where they go to get help and I need help.

After I land, I book an Uber and I pick Estes Park as my destination instead of Kersey. There is nothing waiting for me in my hometown, not anymore, and maybe the small, touristy mountain town is exactly what I need. I hope it'll be what I need, since I just left my husband in New York. My husband. I squeeze my eyes shut and picture his perfect face. His soft jaw that's always been kind of a baby face—like he never grew out of it after high school—which is probably why he always has a beard these days. I imagine him looking at me, a look that makes me feel so loved and adored. My fingers itch and I want to text him, tell him that I'm okay, but I can't, not yet. I left him and while I know it was the right choice, I need space and to figure out what is happening inside my brain, but it still sucks.

I'm starting over again, and for the first time in the past ten years, he isn't here to do this with me. Some things, you have to do on your own. My Uber picks me up and I slip my headphones into my ears and start playing 1989, the one album that always seems to calm me down. I've never really been a pop person, but if Taylor Swift puts it out, then I'm going to listen to it.

My hands are shaking when my driver drops me off in front of the small hotel on Main Street in Estes Park. I don't know what I'm going to do here, or what happens next, but I'll figure it out. That's what I do, I figure things out.

It's late, since I didn't even land until almost nine. But after I get checked into my room, I walk down to the small grocery store on the corner that's still open.

Everything is fine until I hear a person yell. I can't tell if it's in jest or not, but I freeze and close my eyes, rocking back and forth on my feet, trying to remind myself to breathe.

"Are you alright?" I hear a woman's voice and my eyes fly open. A woman, just slightly taller than me, gives me a smile. She's older than me, though I can't tell by how much. But there's a sprinkling of gray hairs in her dark brown hair. "Are you alright?" she asks me again, and even though she's a stranger and I don't do well with strangers, I shake my head no.

The stranger takes my basket full of groceries and puts it in her cart. "We'll be back in a few, James," she hollers to one of the clerks and then she leads me outside. The shock of the cold air hits me but I'm still struggling to breathe.

The woman leads me to a bench and sits beside me.

"Follow my breath," she says and I try to focus as she counts to four, again and again, breathing in and out until my heart rate slows and I feel embarrassed.

"Thanks," I say and instead of looking judgemental, she smiles at me.

"You're welcome. I'm Hannah by the way. And I'm no stranger to panic attacks in public places. It always helps me to get outside and focus on breathing, that at least keeps the panic at bay."

I look at Hannah curiously. "That was a panic attack?" It makes sense, and things start to connect in my mind—when Sam found me in the shower, the same thing had happened. I just don't know why it happened today.

Hannah nods. "Has it ever happened before?"

"A few days ago," I tell her, but it feels like it's been happening for much longer. I don't know why it seems so easy to open up to this stranger, but I don't feel like lying. I'm too exhausted.

"You just here for a vacation?" she asks me then.

I shake my head. "I don't think so. I'm not really sure what I'm doing next. But I couldn't stay in New York anymore, so I ended up here. I'm Annie."

"Nice to meet you," Hannah says. "My husband and I live about ten minutes from town, but I came to do our weekly grocery run tonight. We run a summer camp that helps kids who have anxiety and depression and do group hikes in the summer as well. It's the off season now, so we've been sharing videos online about how we homestead, even in the winter. Anyway, that's a lot of information to give a person you just met."

I smile at her, she's giving off good vibes.

"Can I give you my number? If you need anything, I'd love to help. I can even give you the name and number of my therapist, unless that's too weird. You can tell me if that's too weird. I tend to be an oversharer, especially about mental health things."

"It's not weird, surprisingly," I tell her. I'm not sure a therapist is what I want or even need, but it is nice of her to offer. I didn't exactly grow up in a home where mental health was ever talked about. I don't know enough about any of it to know what I need.

She tells me her phone number and I send her a text so she'll have my number too. I was so worried about how hard it would be to meet new people here, but I guess my panic attack was kind of kismet.

We walk back into the store together, and I'm still feeling a bit jittery. I'll just check out what I have in my basket and head back to my hotel.

"Thanks," I tell Hannah before I walk away. "For helping a stranger."

"You're welcome," she smiles before pushing her cart away.