11. Sam

SAM

November 2019 - Sam is 25, Annie is 23

"It's either her or me," Christina yells. We've been arguing about this for weeks. I've been back in New York for three months—with Christina—and I haven't seen Annie at all. She doesn't even know I'm back in the States. We haven't celebrated her new job, and I hate that. But Christina thinks it's weird that I want to take Annie out to celebrate. I invited her to come with us, but she just said I was choosing Annie over her.

But Annie is my best friend.

My girlfriend doesn't like that.

"I'm so sorry," I say and she glares at me, this isn't how I wanted things to end, but once again, my relationship is coming to an end. I can't get any relationship to stick, no matter how hard I try. There's only one Annie. Maybe it's time to finally admit that, and be okay with whatever it is she will give me. Even if all I get is to be her friend, I'd still choose that over any relationship.

She throws a flip flop in my direction and misses by a few inches. "Do you love her?"

"In some way, yeah," I say because it's the truth. I do love Annie, she means the world to me. We may only be friends, but I'll always love her.

She throws her hands up in the air. "I can't believe I uprooted my life for you."

"Technically, I did tell you that you probably wouldn't like my lifestyle." A flip flop hits me square in the chest. "I deserve that."

"You do." Christina isn't a weepy person, she's all fire and rough edges. But I haven't seen this side of her. She's angry and about to throw a fit. She's like other women I've met and dated while traveling—she wants to be on the move. I warned her we'd be in New York for a few months, at least, and she assured me it would be fine. I even told her about Noah and Annie, but she can't seem to see that I'm friends with Annie and could still be with her.

I stand in silence as I watch Christina pack up the rest of her things. She gives me one last glance before leaving the room.

"I hope she's worth it," she yells over her shoulder, and then I'm alone.

I pull out my phone to text Annie, asking if she has time to come over later. Maybe we can finally celebrate and I'll tell her the truth, that my feelings aren't ever going away. She texts back almost immediately.

Annie

What! You're back in the city and you didn't tell me?!

I can come over around seven.

I'll explain everything later. See you then.

Part of me hates that we no longer share an apartment, but I'm so proud of Annie for making her own way and living on her own. Plus, it gives me two hours to get her flowers and shower before she comes over. I can't wait to hear more about what it's been like to work in the restaurant. She's texted a little about it but we haven't talked on the phone as much or in person, and I know it's my fault.

Maybe it's time to tell her how I really feel. I pick up a bouquet of peonies from a little shop around the corner, and put them in a fresh vase on the counter before I shower.

The hot water hits my shoulders and I start to relax. Before, when I told a woman that I was interested in her, I felt nervous. But telling Annie that I love her? That feels as natural as breathing.

I pull my still damp hair into a short man bun as I hear a soft knock on the door just before a key slides into the lock and unlocks the door. Annie runs straight to me and I pick her up and spin us around as we hug.

"You're back!" Annie grins up at me as I set her down and release her. "It feels like it's been so long."

I've been back for three months, but I didn't tell Annie I was back in the city. I know part of it is because of Christina, but if I'm being honest with myself I knew that if I saw Annie again I'd fall even more in love with her, and that wouldn't have been fair to Christina.

"It was my longest trip. Six months," I tell her. This part is true, but all of my timing is messed up. I often travel and then while I'm back home, my videos are going up on YouTube for weeks after I've been back so my followers don't actually know where I am. There are too many weird people, this is a way that keeps me and my team safe.

Annie nods. "I know, I've been watching all of your vlogs. What have you been up to? I know you've been doing shorter trips and things, but didn't you finish your backpacking trip ages ago?"

I shift on my feet. "Thanks for watching. Just relaxing and doing smaller trips."

Annie sits on the couch and tucks her legs under her. "Tell me all about them."

I sit next to her, and our knees brush. Annie is absolutely glowing. I've never seen her like this. Her smile is making me dizzy. "No, no. If you've watched all my vlogs, you know all the things already. I need you to tell me about what it's like being a real chef."

Annie"s grin only widens. "It's everything I ever dreamed of. I can't wait to have my own place someday. To be the one making all the choices about the food and the dishes. But I love it. Every day I get to cook food for people who truly love eating food. It's the best feeling in the world."

Her happiness is contagious. "That's so incredible, sunshine."

Annie looks away at her usual nickname.

Alarm bells go off in my head. "What is it?"

Annie shifts and after far too long, she looks me in the eyes. "I met someone."

All of the air seems to rush out of the room. This is Annie, the love of my life, the woman who is meant to be all mine and she"s met someone?

"Sam?" Annie asks when I take too long to respond.

"Wow." I force myself to smile. "That's great Annie, tell me about him."

Annie starts to talk and I hear her at first. "He's a really incredible chef. I'd seen photos of him before, so I knew that he was handsome, but I never expected him to like me as much as he did. I'm one of the youngest chefs in the past decade to be brought on to train to be a head chef in the next couple of years. All because Mitch saw so much promise in me. And he truly has been so professional, but then he started asking me if I'd come do private lessons with him at his house, which I couldn't say no to. He's Mitch Austen and he wanted to teach me."

I give Annie a small smile, but my stomach churns as she continues. "Then, a couple of weeks ago, he asked me out. I told him that I don't date, but that I'm happy to hang out and be friends. He asked me out a couple more times, and I kept telling him that I don't date anyone and why, but then last week he kissed me…"

My ears start to buzz as she starts to tell me about their kiss, lighting up all over again and I realize that it's not just the work as a chef that's making her glow. It's this. It's him. There is a man out there that isn't me who is making her so extremely happy. I smile and nod but I don't take anything in. I feel like I'm going to pass out.

"We should go on a double date sometime, with you and Christina."

"Yeah," I manage to get out. I don't have the heart to tell her that Christina and I broke up. I can't tell her how I feel now. Not when she's just told me that she's dating someone.

Jealousy burns deep within me, but I push it down. I never expected her to date anyone, and I hate that it isn't me. But she's my best friend. I can be happy for her.

"Will you be in New York for a while?" she asks me and the roaring in my ears starts to die down now that she's not talking about him anymore.

"Not sure," I tell her the truth. Well, part of the truth. The full truth is that I've got an inbox full of requests from brands and companies begging me to start right away, but I haven't answered any of them because I wanted to see how tonight would go. But I guess I've got my answer, it's time to travel more. I can't be here and watch Annie fall in love. That will kill me.

I can be happy for her but from a distance. I'll travel the world. I'll find someone new. It'll be fine. At least, I hope it will be fine.

"Are you okay?" she asks me quietly.

"Just tired from my flight," I say, which isn't true at all since I flew back to the city months ago. But a different kind of weariness is creeping over me.

"You sure?" she asks.

I shake my head a little. I can't lie to her. "No. I'm not. But I'll be okay." I hope.

"I didn't mean…" she starts to say but I hold up a hand to stop her.

"We don't have to do this. I never actually told you how I felt. You never asked me to wait for you. I'll be okay."

Someday. When I'm eighty. Or dead.

She doesn't look convinced. "Come here," I say, holding out my arms and she falls into them. My heart might break into a million pieces. This is where we should be, her and I. But it's time to move on, something I should have tried harder to do in the past. Sure, I've had plenty of girlfriends, but they've never been something I thought would last. Annie hasn't ever been mine, not in the way that I want. It's time to let go of the dream.

"I didn't mean for it to happen...he's just so…" Her words trail off as she buries her head against my chest.

"Please, for the love of all that is good and holy, don't tell me how great he is. I can handle you being happy, but I can't hear about him," I whisper.

She nods against me because in some sort of way she understands, and I simply hold her while my heart falls apart.