17. Aghast

CHAPTER 17

AGHAST

KALLIE

The view always tugs at my heartstrings when I pull into the driveway of the Campbell Ranch early in the morning. Today is no exception. The long paved driveway winds through acres of fields on both sides, green with grass, edged by shade trees, and lined with white fences.

Horses gallop alongside as I drive, like they're racing me. I spot my girl, a spirited Appaloosa named Wild Rose, who I've been riding for years. She knows I'm here.

"Rosie!" I call out my open window and wave. As if she hears me, she bucks her back end up and whinnies. I haven't ridden since I've been back from Montana, and the itch to do so has grown stronger every single day. I can't wait to get her out on the trails today.

The driveway ends, opening up to a large area outside our mansion, a stately, sprawling home made of stone and dark wood. To the left behind it, are two big white barns, and the rest of the ranch operations beyond those. I ignore the house for now and park by the white structures.

I miss the ranch. A part of me didn't come back here until now, still aching over Dad hiring a man to manage it. In the office, anytime Dad starts to talk about anything associated with the ranch, I change subjects or walk away.

Today, I'm here to face it all. If I'm going to move on and leave Texas, then I need to put certain things behind me. But first, I ride.

An hour later, I'm on the back of Rosie and trot away, leaving the barns behind me. The sun shines brightly, and the wind whips my hair wildly. It's as close a feeling to being free as I can imagine right now.

"Yah, let's go," I yell, and spur Rosie to pick up the pace. We dash across a field, cutting over to one of my favorite trails that takes us up into the hills.

While half of the ranch is flat land, the rest features rolling hills, a vineyard, a beautiful river, and spring-fed pools. The fishing is fantastic here, which makes me think of my cowboy and his penchant for bow hunting and the outdoors.

Jeremy never was much for spending time on the ranch anymore than he had to. The two men couldn't be more opposite. And what the hell did I see in my ex in the first place? A handsome face? A pricey lifestyle? Fame in hockey, that ended up being all too fleeting?

Now, I see nothing in him but years of my life wasted.

The trail narrows, and Rosie slows. I lean over her mane and lay my head on her, petting the side of her neck. Like I've done many times, I talk with her, telling her all my fears. Confiding all my worries.

She's the best listener. She paws the ground when I mention Jeremy's name like she wants to ram into him full throttle. At the mention of Cody's name, she gives a cute neigh.

I think she's trying to tell me something.

"Soon, girl, soon. I'll bring Cody to meet you. Better yet, maybe I can move you to Montana depending upon how things go." We come to a clearing at the top of the trail, to a little grassy knoll. The rain gods have been kind to Texas this fall, so things aren't as dry as usual, and wildflowers abound.

I let Rosie wander and graze, while I spread a blanket. At first, I doze off, dreaming of a life I haven't allowed myself to dream in a long time. When I awake, wide eyed, fitful, I pull out my journal, pen, and an apple from my saddlebag.

I sift through the pages of notes and floral and fauna sketches, years' worth of thoughts and hopes. When a page flips to one entry I made—the day after I met Jeremy, I don't even bother to read it. I tear it out, along with any successive page that had his name on it.

Re-reading those isn't an option. I'm done and over him. I roll them into a ball and will burn it the first chance I have.

Open to a fresh page, my pen flourishes with new ideas, gaining steam like I can't write fast enough to keep up with my mind, filling pages and pages. Before I know it, I've reached the end of the entire journal, the last blank space.

I flip back through what I just wrote, realizing it was really a plan for my life. A new ranch with plenty of horses to care for, a thriving piece of land that makes a good living for a family of four, maybe six. A family for me to love, including a cowboy with a big D, kids, and a dog named Brewster. Tears threaten my eyes because I finally know what I want, what I desire. I have to have this life.

At the end, on the last line, I write Mrs. Cody Ford with plenty of curly flourishes. I draw a heart around it all and seal it with a lip gloss kiss. For a while longer, I lay there under the sun, holding the journal to my chest, sending my wishes out into the universe.

* * *

I make it back to the barn by lunchtime. Steven, the ranch manager, approaches me warily.

"Hiya. Can I put Rosie away for you, miss?" There's been no love lost between us since he was hired. Now though, what's done is done. Suddenly no longer harboring hard feelings, I smile sweetly and thank him.

"Take care, Rosie. I'll see you again soon, I promise." I give her neck a squeeze, then a kiss on the nose. She whinnies after me as I turn toward the house.

The first thing I notice is the four garage doors are open. Mom's car, her old white Mercedes SL500, is missing from its usual spot, now replaced by a black Escalade. Interesting. Mom loved her old car and had kept it in perfect condition for years. Mercedes are like that; a huge price tag, but such amazing quality, they last a long time.

I can't even imagine my petite mother in her designer clothes, hiking herself up into the driver's seat of the huge SUV. I can totally picture me using it though, towing Rosie in a trailer behind me when I finally leave this place for good.

Unfortunately, I also spot Jeremy's Ferrari sports car, and Dad's late model Cadillac. When I enter the breezeway between the barn and the house, I hear raised voices as I come into the kitchen. The two men are practically at each other's throats, but nothing they say makes any sense.

"What's going on?" When I appear through the entryway, they halt their conversation. Like a switch has been turned off, both men act like nothing is wrong.

"Oh, sweetheart. Would you like a mimosa? Chef is preparing a beautiful lunch for us all to celebrate your mother's birthday." Dad waves a hand toward the tray of champagne and orange juice, but Mom isn't in sight, even though she's the reason we are all gathered here today.

"Maybe when I get done with a shower. I don't think any of you want me to smell like a horse while we eat. I'll be back." Before I can get too far down the hall, Jeremy follows and swings me around by the elbow. "What do you want?"

"Think we can put on a good show in front of your parents? Or are you too infatuated with Cody Ford to see things clearly?"

A tremble works through me from his evil voice. "How do you know about him?"

"Wherever you go, I'm there with you. Do you really think I don't keep tabs on my future wife? "

I gasp. He's been watching me? Having me followed? How? How dare he.

"You have no right to use that word. I'll never be anything to you."

"Break things off with him. Now." He seethes.

"Or else what? Are you threatening to hurt me again? Or are these empty promises?" My brazen attack is met with steam practically coming off of his reddening face, his grip on my elbow tighter than ever. Fine, let it bruise. I'll have proof to bring to Dad. It's then I see his eyes, slightly dilated. "Oh, my God. You're using again."

"Shut up. You say one word?—"

"Kallie, you're home." Mom's voice floats down the hall like a song I've been longing to hear. She couldn't have made a more perfectly timed appearance. Her arms spread as she floats toward me, and folds me into her loving hold, tearing me away from Jeremy's grasp.

I miss this from her. I shouldn't have stayed away from her as long as I did. She needs me; I can feel it in her hug. We haven't always had the best relationship. When I broke things off with Jeremy, she was mad and called me an irresponsible, spoiled girl. Today feels different.

"Hi, Mom. I'm so glad to see you." We part, but I hold on to her arm, staying by her side, and we face my idiot ex together.

"Mom. How are you today? Looking fresh, as always." Jeremy takes on that fake tone of voice like he cares, as he bends to kiss her cheek. I feel her body go stiff next to me, like she abhors his invasion. I do as well. "Happy Birthday. I can't wait for you to see the present Kallie and I got you." Neither can I, since we didn't do a joint present.

I'd already bought Mom my traditional present. Always something from Hermes every year, her favorite designer. This year I chose a beautiful printed silk scarf featuring an illustration of people spending a day by a lake, with a train and a hot-air balloon passing by, all done in pretty shades of blue and gray. It'll go well with the color of her eyes.

"Leave us, Jeremy. I have some things I want to show my daughter."

"I really think you should come with me to the kitchen." He towers closer, imposing. "Chef has almost finished preparing lunch. Kallie has to shower."

"No." She cowers closer into my body. Something isn't right here.

"Come on now, Isabelle. You don't want to keep your husband waiting." Jeremy reaches to take her arm, but I can't let him. I pull Mom away and hurry down the hall with her.

"I'm sure we won't be long." I toss behind me. Once we're in her bedroom, I close and lock the door. I listen with my ear against it for his footsteps, which eventually head back in the direction of the kitchen.

"Mom? Is everything okay?" I turn and take her by the hands to sit with me on her bed. She shakes like a leaf, tears threatening to ruin her makeup, and scaring me. "What's going on?"

"Oh, nothing. Just another year older. Aging is hell." She sniffles, dabbing at her eyes. I can't help but notice more wrinkles and gray hairs on her. Maybe age is taking its toll, but she usually took better care of herself than this. I reach over to get a tissue for her and notice the water decanter. Only water doesn't usually smell like vodka.

"Here you go." I make sure the tissue is securely in her hand. "Where's your Mercedes? I didn't see it in the garage."

"Oh, um, after the accident this summer?—"

"What accident?" God, I didn't even know. I've been so selfish, mired in my own crap, hidden away in Montana. Guilt riddles through me for not trying harder to be a good daughter for her.

"J-just a little fender bender, that's all." She's quick to assure me. I'd hate to be a fly on the wall when Dad found out. I'm sure he busted a gasket in his head over that. Was she drunk? Did she lose her license? "Your dad worried about me being in that old, small car, and decided I needed something bigger. And a driver to take me around wherever I need to go. Oh, don't look at me like that. I actually don't mind. When I do lunch with my ladies, I make them all jealous now that I have a rather handsome chauffeur at my disposal." She attempts a rather weak smile.

"Tell me about you. Are you and, um, Jeremy, getting along?" She swallows and clears her throat, patting it as if she has a frog in it. Crossing to the decanter, she pours herself a full glass of the clear liquid. I wait to answer until she's downed it in two huge gulps.

"Uh, not exactly. I don't love him anymore."

She sets the glass down and puts a hand on my cheek. "Surely you can find some way to forgive him?"

"No, I cannot. I don't know how you stayed with Dad all these years. I know that couldn't have been easy on you. Are you even happy here, Mom?"

"Oh. Of c-course. Besides, where else would I go?" She hugs her sides, eyes on the floor, to me, the picture of complete and utter brokenness.

"With me. Away." I stand and take her hands, squeezing them for gentle assurance. "You and I deserve better than what Dad and Jeremy give us. Enough of this. Let's leave them behind and search for our own happiness."

Her sad, tired blue eyes raise to mine, and suddenly all the money in the world couldn't keep me here. We'll leave tonight. With a brave smile, she shakes her head.

"I can't. But you do what you must." She throws her arms around me for a hug tighter than I've ever had from her, that I can recall. With a whisper, she says, "Save yourself while you can."

With that, she rushes out of the room, leaving me there aghast, a shiver running down my spine.