6. Closer to You

CHAPTER 6

Closer to You

Zain

Orwell knocked on my door around nine that evening. I had decided to go to bed without dinner for the simple reason that I couldn’t imagine sitting across from him, receiving those cold looks and a lecture about privacy.

I had expected Orwell to find me and remind me of dinner an hour ago. But when he hadn’t, I decided that he wouldn’t look for me at all. I had changed into black cotton shorts and a sleeveless T-shirt for reading. The room was so hot that I would have to undress for bed, and I would still swelter.

“Yes?” I answered. The knock was not as loud as Orwell normally made them.

The knob turned, and the door opened slowly. My heart sank. Even before he stepped into the room, I knew this wasn’t Orwell. Dominic wore a white shirt and a pair of dark gray pants. He entered my room, and his gaze dropped to the book in my lap just as I closed it. “ Swimming in the Dark ?”

I said nothing.

“I’m surprised,” Dominic said. His voice didn’t have any edge to it. Was he so shocked that I was reading a gay book? As shocked as I had been to see it on his bookshelf? I wondered if he had thought I was straight. Or homophobic. Just because of my name, people imagined I was deeply conservative. “I never thought you’d be drawn to such a depressing read.”

My ears perked with interest. “It teaches you a good lesson.”

Dominic snorted. “Does it? I must have missed it.”

“Love can’t be built blindly,” I offered. “To build something worth keeping, you must see others have it.”

“I believe there was a pointed reference to that close to the end,” Dominic said.

“Are we going to talk about books?” I asked.

He fell silent, his face smoothing out all expressions. He looked into my eyes. “You’re right. I came to ask you to eat with me.”

“I’m not hungry,” I said.

“Don’t be a child,” Dominic said.

“Don’t be an ass,” I said. It was daring, but I found it hard to care.

He stopped talking.

We looked at one another warily until his shoulders loosened a little. “Fair enough.” He hesitated a moment longer, then exhaled. “Would you join me for dinner?”

I rolled my shoulders. “Sure.”

He tilted his head to the hallway.

I got up, leaving the novel in the armchair, and followed him. I didn’t care that he wore dress pants and a crisp shirt. I didn’t care that I looked like I was about to have a hot dog on the go. If it bothered him, he said nothing.

We walked into the dining room to find a table filled with more food than we could eat in three nights, let alone one sitting. Dominic pulled a chair to his right, and I cautiously took it. He sat down at the head of the table, to my left, and served us both asparagus with butter and salt.

Words welled in me, but I resisted the urge to speak them immediately. Instead, we ate in relative silence, commenting on work a few times out of politeness. Dominic asked me if I found it difficult, and I said it was still pretty straightforward. “A little daunting, considering the volume.”

“I found that it’s always better to be busy than idle,” he murmured.

“I’m never idle,” I said simply.

“No. You read.”

I wondered if that was a hint of a smile on his face or a trick of the light.

We went from one course to the next until I couldn’t imagine having another bite.

“A nightcap?” Dominic offered.

Part of me wanted to get away from him. This was too erratic. Today, he had told me clearly that bringing me here was his only regret. Now, he was as sweet as he possibly could be. It was still not very sweet, but he was making an effort.

I nodded.

We went into the sitting room, where a fire was burning in the fireplace. Two armchairs were positioned near it. When Dominic led the way to them, I was glad I stayed in my evening clothes instead of putting on something with long sleeves. Heat washed over me, not at all helped by the trailing scent of Dominic’s cologne. Damn him. If he didn’t smell so good, I would be able to avoid thinking about last night and his bare torso.

Was I so desperate for another man’s proximity that I was suddenly just fine with Dominic’s cruel behavior? I didn’t want to answer that. I feared what I would learn about myself. Perhaps that it didn’t matter if the man was cold and heartless so long as his eyes were on me.

My skin prickled as that thought crossed my mind.

“Dominic,” I said softly. He had just poured himself an inch of something amber over a cube of ice and pushed a Coke to me on the small table between our armchairs. “About the album…”

“It was an overreaction,” he said.

“I shouldn’t have looked,” I went on. “I didn’t realize until it was too late.”

“Let’s forget about the album,” he suggested.

I was silent for a little while. Things felt different. We were both gay men, sitting in the same room and aware of one another. To any other guy, that would have been the end of it, but I had purposely starved myself of it that sitting next to another gay man was impossible to do without considering all the implications. More than that, I was considering the possibilities.

To someone who hadn’t denied himself the mere illusion of it, this would have been just a normal evening. But to me, it was a blank canvas waiting to be filled with color.

The silence drove these thoughts harder, so I inhaled and said what he had just asked me not to say. “Did you burn it?”

Dominic tensed.

“Because I don’t think you should,” I blurted. “Whatever it is that you hate, that you’re ashamed of, it’s not something you can just ignore.”

He looked at me. His face was expressionless, but the tension was clear as day. Even his breathing was so flawlessly normal that it was unnerving.

And when the silence and scrutiny were too much, I whispered, “What happened to you?”

He clenched his teeth. “Why do you care?” It was a resigned sigh.

“I don’t know,” I said. “Maybe because I feel the same way. Maybe because I cut off a part of myself just because I was afraid of getting hurt by it.”

“If you did, then why should I face mine?” he asked.

He was really making me say it. “Because I regret it.” The words tumbled over my lips. Only now, when they were out, when I said them aloud, did I feel the true depth of the truth. I had let my college years go to waste because I had sworn to myself that I would be all that my parents expected.

“Shame,” Dominic said darkly. “I regret nothing.”

“I don’t believe you,” I said. “I think…I think that’s why you agreed to have me here. I think that’s why you gave me a desk next to yours and why you have dinner with me. Because you knew I’d ask.”

“Don’t be ridiculous,” Dominic huffed.

“I’m not,” I insisted. “What happened that made you into this?”

“Into what?” he asked, agitated. “Are you going to take apart every little detail about me? Tell me. What is it that you think I am? A monster? A sociopath?”

“Lonely,” I said.

He stopped speaking abruptly, then shut his mouth and looked away from me.

“This wall you built between yourself and everyone else…” I continued, pausing for a heartbeat. “It’s not something people do for no reason.”

“You read too many books,” Dominic said, but his heart wasn’t in it. After I didn’t rise to the bait, he looked at me. “What is it that you cut off, Zain?”

Truth for truth? It seemed like a fair bargain. But getting the first words over my lips was still hard. Mustering my strength, I looked at my hands folded in my lap. “My parents are traditional. When they married, my mother converted to Islam, and my father…” I shrugged. “All his friends are Muslim immigrants. He never let go of his roots. I think…I think he still dreams of returning sometimes, if only his country weren’t ravaged and if his children weren’t so, I don’t know, American. Because we are. Father taught us his language, his tradition, but we were born here. We went to school here.”

“And that’s it?” Dominic asked, not unkindly.

I shook my head. “He’s a good man,” I insisted. “But every parent has expectations. And if he knew who I really was, it would break his heart. If he knew I was…” I let that trail off into silence. Straightening, I looked at Dominic. “So I promised myself that I would never be that. If I went out with a guy and fell in love, it would only be a disaster. And instead of risking a disaster, I decided I wouldn’t even try.”

“So they don’t know,” Dominic said softly. He shrugged. “Maybe that’s for the best.”

My eyebrows lifted in surprise. It wasn’t something I expected. These days, all anyone talked about was owning yourself and showing your true colors with pride. But not Dominic.

“You see…” A masochistic smile tugged the corners of his lips as if he looked forward to facing the memories that he had kept at bay for so long. It flickered on and off, leaving a confused expression on his face. “I came out to my parents. Just after my freshman year, I was dating this guy.” He snorted. “A stupid fling. He told me I needed to come out to my parents. He said I’d feel great, so I did. That was the last stupid mistake I ever made.”

My heart clenched.

“I know what you think,” he said in a low voice. “That I’m cold and cruel. Maybe I am, but I also made a vow to myself. I would never let them win. We’re all alone, Zain.” He swirled his drink and sloshed it into his mouth before getting up. It forced me to look up as he towered over me. “And if you give the bastards a chance, they’ll get you down in a heartbeat. The world is built by people like that.”

“What did they do?” I whispered.

“Do you need to know the details?” he asked, suggesting with his tone that I certainly didn’t. He pressed his fingertip against his temple. A small, white scar was there. “The corner of our table gave me that. Of course, it only succeeded after my old man’s fist met my jaw.”

My stomach turned to stone. “I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be,” Dominic said. “I should thank him, really.” There was a dark, morbid fascination in his eyes now. He rose slowly and met my gaze. “He freed me. He taught me my most valuable lesson.” I knew already what it was, but he took a step closer to me, making me look all the way up just to hold his gaze. “Never lean on anyone, Zain. They’ll break you like a twig as soon as that’s in their best interest. People are evil. Not because of some corruption in their souls or whatever poets would say, but because evil is profitable. Evil will always bring a better result. And if you’re good, if you follow the rule of law, if you give everyone the benefit of the doubt, they’ll use you up. They’ll spend every last bit of you and leave you with nothing.”

“You’re wrong,” I said, although I only had my childish optimism to support that claim.

“Am I?” He let out a dark chuckle. “Think of Julian, Nicholas, and Maxwell, then. They gave me hell for four years. Every day of every week of every month, they spread lies about me. They couldn’t stand me because they knew I got my scholarship through hard work while their dads paid for them. They knew they hadn’t earned it, so they bullied me. How’s that for the goodness of people’s hearts?”

“Not everyone is like that,” I said with much more fierceness in my tone than I had meant, my head shaking.

Dominic’s fingers pinched my chin and steadied my head. “We’re two sides of the same coin, Zain,” he said, gazing into my eyes. “I knew that the moment you walked into my study in the city. I knew we were alike because you took a risk. You acted. You didn’t just let things happen to you. You fought back.”

I was still too stunned by the sensation of his fingers holding my chin. It was too close, too warm to ignore. His fingers were soft, but his grip was firm. I wondered what his fingertips would feel like over the rest of my body. Would I enjoy this determined pressure and the warmth of his flesh as much as I enjoyed this?

“That’s why you’re here,” Dominic said. His eyes were ablaze. Well, as much as an ice cube could be ablaze. They radiated something, but it wasn’t exactly cozy warmth. “I want you to have a better chance than I did. And when your job is done, all the doors in New York will be open to you. I guarantee you that. From one outcast to another.”

“I’m not an outcast,” I said.

“Is that so?”

“My parents love me,” I said, pulling my head back.

Dominic’s hand fell. “Would you put that to a test?”

“It’s not the same,” I said, but the tone of my voice betrayed all my doubts. “They wouldn’t…do that.”

“I thought the same thing,” Dominic said.

I stood up in fury, although I couldn’t tell you what I was furious at. It wasn’t fair what they had done to him, but… “You can’t hold on to that,” I said, almost pleading. “You can’t let that determine the rest of your life. It’s cowardly.”

“Why do you care?” he asked.

“Because I do,” I said, pulling away from him and stepping closer. “I saw those photos, Dominic. You were a happy child. You can’t let their cruelty dictate the way you live. You’re letting them win.”

His eyes narrowed. Of course. The only language he understood.

“If your father hit you because you’re gay, do you really think he wouldn’t be glad to know just how lonely and unhappy you are now?” I asked. “You lose. Again.”

He ground his teeth and tilted his head as if to allow me this little win. “What would you have me do?”

“I don’t know,” I said lamely. “Something. Something that brings down that wall you’ve built.”

He nodded slowly, carefully, and took a few steps back from me. He turned around, poured himself another drink, and took a mere lick of it before he looked at me over his shoulder. “I’ll wipe your father’s debt in the morning.”

“What?” I gasped.

He gave a sure nod. “I’ll wipe it. It’s nothing to me.”

“Why would you…?”

“But you are welcome to stay,” he said. “If that’s what you want. It will give you opportunities so you don’t depend on your parents if the day comes and you need an alternative.”

“I don’t understand,” I whispered.

Dominic looked away and had another sip of his drink. “Maybe it’s too late for me,” he said softly, turning around to face me. “But you helped me understand something. That should be rewarded.”

“I didn’t do it for a reward,” I said. But what would a man whose entire life was built on contracts know about that? It chipped my heart.

“No. You did it because you care,” Dominic said. “Hell knows I didn’t give you a reason to care, but you do. So. You’re free to do whatever you want. And if you choose to stay, I would…like that.” He looked away.

“I’ll stay,” I whispered. “I enjoy it.”

He nodded, not looking at me, but his lips trembled for a moment before he turned away again. “It’s late. We should sleep.”

I nodded. That was my cue to leave, but something kept me here nonetheless.

I lingered in the sitting room for a few moments that felt like ages. I watched him lift his glass and drain it. My gaze trailed his broad shoulders, dropped down to his narrow waist, and followed the curve of his ass.

Within a heartbeat, I could see myself closing the distance between us, just like that night last week when he had stood inches away from me. But this time, it wasn’t as scary. He was much more human than he had been that night. His beauty wasn’t as dangerous. His eyes weren’t as freezing.

The yearning to touch him with the tips of my fingers filled me to the brim, and I had to shout at my body to turn around before I did something incredibly stupid. So I turned and marched out of the sitting room, wishing him a good night before I slipped through the door.

It was only when I reached the safety and privacy of my room that I exhaled the deep breath I had been holding and allowed myself to relax. My body tingled all over, inside and out, and the fire of perpetually neglected and restrained lust was burning brighter than ever before.

No wonder I was drooling over a handsome man in whose home I lived when I had suppressed so much of myself for so long. But maybe it wasn’t all so cynical after all. Maybe these feelings really did well from the fact that I found Dominic so devastatingly attractive.

The way he had held my chin returned to me now, and I found myself pressing my right hand against my flat stomach. My thighs pressed together tightly, bare where my shorts ended, and I closed my eyes while still leaning against the door.

I was trying to be good to him for the sake of it. I was trying to be something he hadn’t had in far too long. And yet, I wanted him. My body screamed for him.

Part of me knew it wasn’t right. I was using him in my own way. I was just like everyone else. Did it matter if my way of using him was purely physical?

I shed my doubts, my worries, and the voice warning me against it. I abandoned my fears and told myself that there was no harm in it. And as I made my way to the bed, I left a trail of clothes on the floor and let my hands move where they wished.