25. Cruz

"What's happening with Liam?" Dani sets her pencil down with a sigh.

I look up from the equations that are starting to blur together on the page. The quiet in the study room we've claimed in the library is suddenly oppressive as I meet her stare. "What do you mean what's happening with Liam?"

"Last time you were this distracted during a study session it was because you were confused about Liam, so…" she prompts.

Sometimes having a perceptive study partner sucks.

I don't want to get into my history with Xavier and the strange parallels I'm experiencing with Liam, or the fact that my cousin is disappointed in me for even considering putting my career first. Most of all, I'm not sure I'm ready to admit to Liam, to Dani, or to myself, that I think I might be in love with him. Not when it wasn't so long ago that I was convinced that shouldn't—or couldn't—happen at my age.

I'm not afraid to admit I might've been wrong, but I am afraid of what that could mean for my future.

If I love him, I should probably be thinking in terms of our future, not just mine, which is a massive departure from how I felt a year ago. Back then, I told Xavier if things with Piper were real, she'd be there regardless of where he went to school. But now that I have Liam, and I feel like things are pretty real, I'm struggling with whether it's fair to ask him to wait for my career to take off before I publicly acknowledge who he is to me. It makes me wonder if I was way off base before.

Which means that fight with Xavier the night he died shouldn't have happened.

He shouldn't have been angry, rushing to leave my place.

And had he not been, he might not have died or hit that tree.

I fucked up, and he paid the ultimate price. Yet somehow, acknowledging the mistakes of my past doesn't make my current situation any easier.

I get that Liam and I aren't an apples-to-apples comparison with Xavier and Piper since they would've only had to live in different locations for a while, not hide their relationship. But when you get down to the core of the issue, things aren't all that different. I'd be asking Liam to wait to live the life he deserves until we can do it on my terms. That's at least three years before my NFL career—if it happens—will be stable enough that my sexuality won't be an issue. Will Liam still be there for me if I want to keep him a secret that entire time?

Fuck it. Since I can't figure this out on my own, maybe another perspective could help.

"I think this thing with Liam is more than a crush," I start.

Dani's eyes grow wide. "Define more."

"I'm not sure I can. It's just…" I think back to coming out as ACE, or demi. About losing Xavier and visiting his grave. About defending me to my own cousin. Each time Liam articulated what I was thinking and feeling better than I could've done it myself. And he seems to accept those feelings completely, in a way that's more generous than I have a right to expect. "He gets me in a way that's almost like looking in the mirror. Only he doesn't just see me, he knows me. Without me having to explain anything."

Her expression morphs from curious to awed. "You didn't mention anything about attraction."

I didn't, did I? "What does that mean?"

"Well, my guess is that means you aren't experiencing lust or infatuation. More like affection. Or, something deeper?" Her voice rises like she's asking a direct question instead of simply making a suggestion.

When I don't answer she tries another angle. "Do you want to date him? For him to be your boyfriend?"

A surge of heat rushes to my face. "We sort of already are. Secretly."

"I thought we agreed you wouldn't tell him how you feel before deciding whether you were ready to come out?" She arches her brow.

Ducking my head, I rub the back of my neck. "Yeah, the order of operations got mixed up. He's okay with it, though. He knows this is all new to me so he's fine with giving me time to figure things out before we say anything. If we say anything."

"Ahh, so this is less of an I don't know how I feel conversation and more of an I don't know what to do about it conversation?"

"That's fair." I exhale heavily. Damn. What are the odds that I meet two people who get me so well in my first year of college?

"What does Liam say?"

"He says we should each do what's right for us. Right now, that's the same thing, but I don't know how long that will last."

"How long do you want it to last? If there weren't any other factors to consider." Dani's gentle tone has me admitting what I've been trying not to acknowledge.

"I don't know. Forever?" My shoulders hitch toward my ears.

Her eyes go wide for the second time in as many minutes.

"Too early?" I rush to downplay that statement. "It's probably too early."

"I mean, it's early, yeah," she agrees. "But not impossible. My parents have been together since they were seventeen. Sometimes you just know." Now it's her turn to shrug.

"That's the thing though. I don't know. Not completely."

"You mean you don't know if you want to come out?" Thank God there's only curiosity, no judgment, in her tone. I'm ashamed to be having these feelings as is, I don't think I could handle her being disappointed in me for them.

I nod slowly.

"What's holding you back?" Dani asks.

"Football." I drop my gaze to my lap, since I can't look at her while admitting what a coward I am. "It's like, I've had this one dream forever, and there's a chance it could happen. A slim chance, but it exists. Then I met Liam, and I started having a new dream. The problem is, I'm not sure the two dreams can co-exist."

I risk a peek at my friend and find her closing her eyes and shaking her head. At least she doesn't have a disgusted look on her face. It looks more guilty than anything, although why she'd feel guilty I have no idea.

"I should've put that together earlier." She sighs. "I thought you were just overwhelmed with the whole what's my sexuality thing when you said you weren't sure about coming out."

"That was pretty confusing," I say. "In my head, the question was never about what my friends would think so much as what the NFL would think. I mean, if there's a gay guy in the league, he's in the closet, so the idea of being out before I even get there is… Well, it makes you wonder if there's a reason there aren't any openly gay guys on the roster. Something I wouldn't know until I get there, and coming out now might mean I never do."

"I guess that's a valid consideration." Dani's expression looks as defeated as my heart feels as she rolls her pencil back and forth over the desk. "Is there anyone who might have a better understanding of this than we do? Like, an agent?"

"Maybe, but I don't know who that would be. I need to talk to Coach but…" I exhale heavily. "Is it crazy to entertain the idea of coming out before I know if I've made it?"

"Not if you want to be with Liam forever. With football…at some point you'll have to give up being on the field." Her nonchalant tone reeks of simplicity, which makes me feel like the world's biggest asshole.

The answer was right there the whole time, and I never saw it.

I've spent years dreaming about getting to the NFL, but even if I do, she's right. That's got a time limit. Ten to fifteen years if I'm healthy, significantly less if I'm not. Meanwhile, I've got a guy I might be able to keep forever, and I'm still asking myself what to do?

Why the fuck was I asking the question in the first place?

Liam accepted my sexuality unconditionally, even when we weren't on the best of terms. He's helped me find answers without forcing me to acknowledge my feelings before I was ready. He was willing to sit patiently in the closet while I figured out where he fits in my life, and he wants my dead best friend to like him, because he knows Xavier will always be with me. Plus, he's smart, funny when he isn't being grouchy, and gorgeous.

He's the perfect guy. My perfect match. And I'd be crazy to let that slip away for a chance at a career that may or may not come to fruition.

"Dani, you're a genius." I pop up from my side of the table and walk around to hers, pulling her up and into my arms.

"I mean, duh." Her voice is muffled against my chest. "But why do you think that?"

"Only one of the two things I want in life has the possibility of being forever. I know what I need to do."

***

"Liam!" I burst through the door, chest heaving after my cross-campus run to get to our room. "I need—" The words die on my lips as I see his motionless form curled on the bed, unseeing eyes staring vacantly at my side of the room.

What the hell?

Liam is not a wallow in misery sort of guy. When something bad happens, like having no visitors on his birthday, or his mom forgetting he's at school, he turns even more surly and sarcastic than normal. He's never, not once, looked as despondent and defeated as he does right now, and it scares the shit out of me.

Whatever happened must be truly unfathomable to put him in this state.

The door swings shut as I cover the distance between us and fall to my knees at his side. Up close, I can see how red his eyes are, hear his shallow breathing, and mine speeds up in response.

"Liam?" I brush his hair away from his face. "What's wrong? What happened?"

He blinks slowly. Once, twice, before his eyes focus on mine. "He's cutting me off. Or he will, if I stay here past this semester."

"Who's cutting—" As the words come out, it occurs to me there's really only one possibility. "Your dad? You talked to him?"

"He reported my tuition payment as fraud since I'm not at the school he wants me to go to. I convinced him to let me stay through the semester but… I can't afford it after that. I'll have to go to Cornell like he wants me to or drop out."

The robotic tone of Liam's voice guts me, mirroring how I feel at the thought of him being across the country. Empty. Hollow.

With as much calm as I can muster, I stroke his hair and murmur in his ear. "It's okay, Liam. I'm here. I've got you."

"Yeah, but for how long?"

"Always."

He snorts as more tears gather in his eyes. "Don't just say what you think I want to hear. That's not who you are. You tell the truth, no matter what. I actually respect that about you, so don't change now."

I can only assume he's referring to my indecision about coming out, which I made every attempt to be up front about. Hopefully, his faith in my honesty will help him believe me now.

"If I've always been honest in the past, what makes you think now is any different?"

"In the past, I wasn't a pathetic, crying mess you needed to placate." He wipes his tears with the back of his wrist, but before he can rest his arm on the mattress, I take his hand in mine and link our fingers together.

"You aren't pathetic, and I would never say anything to placate you." I wipe his face with the fingers of my free hand. "And you may be a crying mess right now, but you're crying over having to leave me, and while I hate that, I also kind of don't. It means you love me as much as I love you."

"I… What?" Liam sniffs, his eyes darting between mine almost in a panic.

"That's what I wanted to tell you when I rushed in here." I brush another tear from his cheek. "I think I knew it at the graveyard, but I didn't trust it since it happened so soon. And once I knew it was real, I got stuck on the whole career thing, and what having a boyfriend would mean for going pro. I was scared." My throat constricts as I swallow the nerves building there. "Scared of losing you, scared of losing football, scared of disappointing Xavier. But I'm not scared anymore."

"You're not?"

"No. Football is a passion. If I'm lucky, maybe even a career. But it's not forever. That label is reserved for you."

"What are you saying?" Liam blinks in a rush.

"I'm saying no more hiding. Any future teams will either draft me knowing I have a boyfriend, or they won't draft me at all."

Instead of throwing his arms around me for a sloppy kiss like I'm expecting, Liam sits up and shakes his head vigorously back and forth. "No. Cruz, no. I don't want you to resent me if you don't get your chance." A fresh wave of tears spills down his face, breaking my heart all over again.

Admittedly, I understand where his concern is coming from since I'm the one who probably put it there, but it's just not an issue anymore. It never should've been one in the first place.

I sit next to him and cup his face, so he has to look at me. "Did you ask me to make this decision?"

He shakes his head as much as he can while I'm holding it steady.

"Then how could I resent you?"

"If it weren't for me, you wouldn't be in this position."

"What position is that? The one where I can finally look in the mirror without asking what's broken about me? Or being able to accept that I may have been wrong about Xavier's desire to stay with Piper? I'm a better person now than I was a few months ago, and that seems like a pretty good position to be in. It'd be even better if I have my boyfriend by my side, though, which is why I'm not keeping us a secret anymore."

Liam gives me a watery smile. "There doesn't need to be a secret at all if I'm not here."

"Are you really planning to leave, because I'm not planning to let you go."

"How can you keep me? I can't afford to stay here past the end of the semester. I checked. I have no work experience or credit history to get a student loan without a cosigner, and my dad damn sure won't do that for me. It's his choice or nothing as far as he's concerned. I might have to leave Colorado in a few months."

"Don't get too far ahead of yourself." I take a minute to kiss his trembling lips, the salt of his tears a stark reminder that I need to be strong for both of us, even though I'm fucking terrified."First off, remember that wherever you are, or wherever I am, that's just geography. It's temporary, and it doesn't change anything. Got it?" That's the part I always believed Xavier and Piper could overcome if they tried, and while I get it's not the top choice, I refuse to believe distance will come between me and Liam.

His head bobs slightly.

"Good. Second, the transfer portal is always an option."

Liam shakes his head vigorously.

"I didn't say it was the answer, but it is an option. Let's not rule it out before we know we don't need it, okay?"

The determined set of his jaw suggests he's not willing to explore that option, but I'm keeping it in my back pocket just in case.

"Alright," I continue like we've agreed. "Now, work experience. That's easy. We'll just get you a job. And you can apply for a credit card at the student union. There's always some group out there trying to get people signed up, and I think you can get a low limit card without a cosigner. See?" I take his hand and give it a gentle squeeze. "We can figure this out."

"Neither of those things will change the fact that once the semester is over I'm out of resources. I can't possibly earn enough to pay rent over the summer. Besides, he wants me to take classes starting in June to get established at Cornell."

"So, you come home with me when the semester is over." I wrap my arm around his shoulder and pull him to me, tucking his head under my chin so I can kiss the top of his head.

"I'm not sure you can fix this, Hero," he whispers.

"Don't count me out yet, Sunshine."

He's quiet for a few minutes before I hear him swallow and take a deep breath. "Did you mean it?"

"I wouldn't have said it if I didn't." My fingers slide up and down his arm. "Was I right about you?"

"Yeah, Cruz." Without moving his head off my shoulder, he wraps his arms around me and squeezes. "I love you, too."