23. Cruz

The walk to the grave is quiet, the sound of grass crunching under our feet the only thing to pierce the silence. My palm is sweaty in Liam's despite the brisk, December air, and when we reach our destination, a white cloud of nervous air leaves my lips on a shaky exhale.

"So, you've probably got some questions," I tell the headstone with Xavier's name as I raise the hand still linked to Liam's. "And I don't have all the answers, but long story short, it turns out I can feel attraction to someone. Liam. My boyfriend."

Liam gives an awkward little wave. "Hi."

I feel terrible for thinking it, but there's a part of me that appreciates how he understands and talks to a rock like it's perfectly normal.

"We ended up as roommates at school," I continue, "and at first, it didn't look too good since I literally collapsed on his bed while he was in it—long story—which he didn't love. Who would, right? Anyhow, he plays lacrosse, and he's teaching me how to pass the ball with a long ass stick, and I'm getting pretty good."

"Eh, you're getting better," Liam says.

"Seriously?" I swing my head to glare at him. "You're going to make me look bad in front of my friend?"

"He probably already knows, anyway."

"Maybe he wasn't watching at that particular time. Maybe he doesn't watch me at all since we fought the last time we saw each other." I don't know which is worse: the idea that he wouldn't watch me, or the idea that he would, and he'd resent me for finding Liam.

"Even if he wasn't watching then, he's watching now, and he'll know whether you're inflating your skill or not."

"What, like heaven has instant replay?"

Liam lifts the shoulder of the hand connected to mine, causing them to swing gently back and forth. "Yeah, why not?"

"Okay fine. But you're my boyfriend. Aren't you supposed to back me up on whatever I say?"

"I want him to like me, Cruz. I have to be honest."

Oh.

My.

God.

Liam's done a lot of things to suggest he cares about me. Really, truly cares, like paying attention to my games, defending me to my cousin, even coming here to see Xavier. Hell, he's even giving me time to work through my feelings about being an out athlete. But that statement, right there? It takes things to a whole new level. One I'm not sure I'm ready for even though it makes me want to pull him to me and never let go.

"You're right." I swallow the lump that's lodged itself in my throat. Turning back to the gravestone, I amend my comments. "I'm getting better."

Clearing my throat, I try to continue without getting even more choked up. "I'm sure you can see why I like him, which brings me to Piper. You accused me of not being able to understand how she was part of the dream along with football, and at the time I thought that was a low blow. Now, I think maybe you were right. Not that I think giving up your scholarship was the right move, I still think that could've done more harm than good to your football career, but I have a better understanding of why that decision wasn't as black and white as I wanted it to be."

Liam's fingers squeeze mine in support, and I mimic the gesture, so he knows I appreciate it.

"I hope you can forgive me for not realizing that sooner, and maybe, since I have my own big decisions to make about football and relationships, you can help me see those things clearly."

I hear Liam sniff beside me before saying, "Tell him about your season, so he knows what's at stake."

"Yeah. Okay. Uh, where do I begin?"

"How about the fact that you started?" Liam suggests.

Thank God he's here. This is so much easier with him helping me focus on the present instead of the past.

"Good idea. So, I was the starting tight end, which was pretty cool. Oh, and I wasn't the only freshman starter. My teammates Cameron and Jagger were starting with me by the end of the season. They kind of remind me of us, actually, before... Anyhow, they've been best friends forever, and they pick on each other like brothers."

"That's one way to put it," Liam sniggers.

"What are you talking about?"

"You know how little kids pick on each other when they have a crush?"

"You think they have a thing for each other? No way." I shake my head. "Those two hook up—with women—more than anyone I know."

Liam lifts our hands so they're in front of our faces. "I think we've demonstrated hooking up with women doesn't mean you can't, or won't, hook up with men."

"Okay fair, but I'm pretty sure they're both straight."

"I'm pretty sure Jagger could turn the straightest of men gay, if he were so inclined," Liam says to me before cupping his hand around his mouth like he's whispering to Xavier. "He's fucking gorgeous."

"Hey, you can't say that about another guy when we're dating."

"I didn't say I wanted him, I said he was gorgeous. I know you understand the difference."

My brows draw together as I huff out an exasperated breath. "Fine. Yes, I understand the difference. And yes, Jagger's incredibly good looking. But he and Cameron are friends. And teammates. Like Xavier and I were. And… What was I saying?"

"The three of you were starters. And you were one of the top tight ends in the country." He leans forward to speak like he's conspiring with Xavier. "As a freshman."

"That's not what I was saying." I shake my head at the gravestone.

"You wouldn't. You're too humble, so I'm saying it."

"You're going to give him the wrong idea." I shoot Liam a pleading look.

"Instant replay."

I take a deep breath and look at Xavier's name. "I had some good stats."

For the next thirty minutes, I recall what happened during the season, with Liam interrupting to tell his version when he thought I was downplaying my accomplishments. And as we make the drive back to my house, I can admit it's easily the most honest and enjoyable talk I've had by his graveside since the first time I visited, and there's no question in my mind that's because of Liam.

He made it feel like we were having a conversation with Xavier, and it gave me a glimpse into what life might be like if he were still here, and I could introduce him to my boyfriend for real.

That thought is as comforting as it is heartbreaking, and even though I'm no longer carrying the weight of what to say to Xavier, I'm more conflicted than ever.

Having Liam there felt so right, yet I'm still not ready to say it feels right enough to come out.

I know that makes me an asshole. Liam basically admitted he's serious about me when he said he wanted Xavier to like him, and I'm not giving him that same courtesy.

Fear is holding me back, that much I know, but I'm not sure if it's fear for my future or fear of my feelings that's tripping me up.

This is all happening so fast. A few months ago, I was bracing for a solitary life because I didn't think I was capable of being with another person sexually, much less romantically. Now, I have a boyfriend I really like. Someone who deserves a man that wants to be all in. I think I want that man to be me.

Am I in love?

I don't know how to answer that except to say for the first time, I think I can see that in my future. Maybe it's time to explore what that would be like.

***

"These two don't know when to quit." I shut my phone off and toss it on my desk. "I said I'd think about going, not that I would."

"You don't want to go to the New Years party at Bennet's frat?" Liam asks as we drop our bags on our beds. It's our first day back on campus since the dorms just opened, and while we don't technically need to be here for another three days, we were both eager to get back to our space.

"Do you?"

"I hadn't given it much thought. I assumed we would since Cameron and Jagger have been blowing up your phone about it."

"I never confirmed we were coming back tonight."

"What would we do if we didn't go?"

"Hang here. Get some food, watch a movie…" I lift my shoulder in a flirty who knows way that Liam doesn't see since he's focused on unpacking his bag.

"We did that for a whole week at your parents."

"True, but there are things we can do while we watch a movie here that we couldn't do there."

Liam pauses in the act of putting his socks away and glances at me over his shoulder.

When he doesn't comment, I continue, "And here, I can kiss you at midnight. Anywhere you want me to."

Liam not so subtly adjusts himself. "What are you saying exactly?"

"I'm saying, I'm ready."

His Adam's apple bobs with an audible swallow. "Ready for what?" He licks his lips.

"To lose my virginity." I reach out and grab him by his waistband, pulling him to me so I can press my lips to his.

The instant we connect the weight of our looming decisions fades, and the only thing I'm conscious of is Liam. His soft lips. His warm breath. His wet tongue sliding against mine, making the chaos in my confused mind fade to nothingness, and replacing it with the calm only he seems capable of bringing me.

"Are you sure?" His hands find the back of my neck, fingers sifting gently through the short hair at the base of my head.

"I've never been more sure."

"Then I can't think of a better way to celebrate the new year." His mouth drifts from mine to my jaw, my earlobe, and along my neck, licking and kissing and nipping along the way. A cool shiver races up my spine as goosebumps pebble on my arms, and the now familiar hum of arousal makes my cock stir.

Fisting his hair, I tug on the strands to bring his mouth back to mine, thrusting my tongue between his lips. The low rumble in his throat tells me he likes that, so I do it again, holding him against me so I can take my fill.

Liam's hands snake from my neck to my chest, fondling my pecs as he traces his fingertips over my pert nipples. I cup his ass in my free hand, kneading it firmly and forcing his hips to pulse against mine. Our erections grind together, sending a wave of heat through every inch of my body.

How can that feel so good? We aren't even naked.

I don't get a chance to finish that thought. Liam fists the hem of my shirt and whips it over my head, drawing a nipple into his mouth. It's a fucking nipple, but his tongue swirling around it ignites the same sparks of pleasure I get when he sucks on my dick. "I can't believe I used to wonder what all the fuss was about," I say as he puckers his lips and pulls the swollen nub.

"We haven't even gotten to the good part yet." He licks a circle around that hardened peak, teasing my abs as he moves to the other pec, giving it the same treatment.

"I know." My head tips back as I anchor him to me, my hands flexing on his ass as I rub his body against mine.

"Do you want to top or bottom?" Liam licks up my neck and along my jaw before kissing me again. It's hard, hungry, devouring even, yet so soft and needy it steals my breath. His tongue slides into my mouth, drawing out a whimpering moan from my throat.

With my mouth fused to his, I can do little more than shrug to answer his question, and a part of me internally whines when he breaks away, panting for breath. "No preference?"

My hands relax on his ass. "Have you got one?" The heat in his hazel eyes makes it hard to keep still, but I feel like this is something that deserves a pause.

"I've only ever bottomed." He bites his lip almost shyly. "I don't mind topping. I'd like to actually, but today I'd like you to do it."

My cock throbs excitedly between us, fully on board with that idea. I, however, have reservations. Or more accurately, stipulations.

"I want to see you, though."

"Good, because I want to see you, too." Liam's hands float down my torso until they meet my waistband, then slip underneath. Wrapping his hand around my straining cock, he gives it a languid tug before rising to his toes, leaning in as he whispers, "I want to see you spread out on the bed, writhing in pleasure, while I grind on this gorgeous dick."

My eyelids flutter as he pumps me slowly. "Yes."

"Good." He drops to his knees without warning and wraps his mouth around my crown, suckling it with gentle pressure. My eyes fall shut as fireworks explode behind them, the combination of tender suction and wet heat taking me from hard muscle to steel pipe in a matter of seconds.

Liam's hands find my ass, and I flex, thrusting forward slowly, seeking out more of his mouth. He groans before popping off my tip.

"Fuck, your ass feels incredible in my hands. At some point I'm gonna need to see it clench while you fuck me… Mirrors. We need mirrors in this room."

"What we need is for you to get as naked as I am." I fight the urge to roll my hips.

He pops off my dick again with a salacious grin. "On the bed."

I kick off my pants and lay on my bed, watching as Liam sheds his clothes. He's hurried, yet graceful, but as he pulls the waistband of his pants down, my mouth drops open. His full cock smacks against his abs, every drop of that grace he's exuding morphs into fervent desire.

He stalks forward, dick bobbing with each step, and my mouth literally waters.

Pausing at his nightstand, he casts a hungry glance my way before opening the drawer. "I have condoms if you want them, but since we're both safe, I'm fine to go without."

My brows furrow. "We're both safe?"

Liam's lusty grin turns bashful. "I got tested recently. I'm clean. And you're a virgin, so…"

"Yeah." I swallow back my excitement. "Bare."

I've been led to believe bare is the pinnacle, and while I don't personally know anyone who's done it–just that they want to–they've been right about sex so far, so I'm inclined to believe that's true.

Liam pulls a tube from the drawer and steps to the side of the bed, that pristine cock straining eagerly toward me in a way I can't seem to take my eyes off of. Long and smooth, just like him.

He takes my hand and squirts a glob onto my palm before coating his fingers. "Get your cock ready. I'll prep my hole."

Wow, this is…

I've held my dick while Liam sucked it. I've put my fingers in his ass. But I've never pumped my shaft while he watched, and I've never seen him finger himself. I don't know why this seems foreign after all the other things we've done, but somehow touching myself instead of him adds a level of intimacy—and indecency—to what we're doing.

I sort of like it.

Liam groans, though whether that's from what his fingers are doing or watching me, I'm not sure. I just know his eyes are riveted to my dick, making it nearly impossible to keep my excitement to a reasonable level.

"Please," I finally grunt, and he mercifully straddles me on the bed, nibbling at my lips before giving me a long, luscious kiss. Then he lines me up with his hole and starts to sink down.

Liam's jaw sets as he lowers himself on my shaft. His chest swells, his breathing accelerates, and the image of my cock disappearing inside his body nearly undoes me. Fuck, and the constriction of his tight channel, tighter than the fist he holds me with, and so warm...The onslaught of stimuli is all-consuming.

When he's fully seated, ass resting on top of my pelvis, his eyes find mine, and they're straight up burning with desire. Damn near emerald with lust. And I nearly come from the sight alone.

Dear God, he's stunning. And he's giving himself to me, body and soul, right now. I can feel it.

Whatever comes after heaven, I'm there. Double heaven? Eden? Enlightenment? I'm fucking gone. Until he starts to move.

Slowly at first, dragging himself up and down my shaft with exaggerated care, he takes me into his body like it's an extension of his own. Like our connection is sacred, and he's savoring it, making sure we feel it to the fullest extent.

I've never seen anything so beautiful.

He's a vision. A fantasy. The missing piece of my soul that I didn't even know was lost until he found me and helped me realize I was capable of such happiness. I craved it but never thought I could actually have it, and Liam taught me it's okay to need an emotional connection in order to feel physical attraction.

As he moves, his eyelids flutter and his jaw locks tight, betraying just how hard it is for him to walk the line between pleasure and restraint. And for the first time in my life I understand how that feels. How I can want to linger in this tender, erotic moment while simultaneously feeling the urge to chase the bliss building inside me. Yet despite my desire for more, I can't find the strength to do anything but watch Liam move on top of me.

The way his abs clench and release as he swivels his hips. The way his chest rises and falls with measured breaths, nipples peaked with arousal. The way his dick juts rigidly out from his body, long and thick and glistening.

I take it loosely in my fist, giving him languid strokes that match the pace of his undulations, biting my lip to hold in the groan his contracting ass tries to pull out of me.

"Oh God," he groans as his astonished eyes find mine. "I won't last if you play with my dick."

"I won't last if you keep squeezing mine," I say, though with a final swipe over his slit I release him and fist my hand in the sheets.

"Good. I can't hold back any longer." Liam braces his hands on my stomach and switches from grinding to riding me. Hard.

That precipice I thought I'd reached? That was merely a taste. A tease. A fragment of the pleasure coursing through me as Liam bounces—fucking bounces—on my shaft like it's a pogo stick.

My cock is on fire. Not like an open flame's heat, more like a simmering fuse. A countdown, burning toward an epic explosion, and I'm just along for the ride.

Liam's skin glistens under a light sheen of sweat as his muscular thighs lift and lower his lean body. His abs coil and flex as he rolls his hips, searching for the perfect angle to impale himself, and when he finds it, he straight up shouts, "Fuck yes." And picks up the pace.

I slap my hands to his thighs, pulling him to me as my body punches upward, burrowing as deep inside him as his body will allow. His heavy cock bobs up and down as he rides me, slapping against my stomach each time he bottoms out, a visual that has my balls drawing tight.

"Oh my God, Liam. Oh my God."

I'm completely at his mercy, hanging on for dear life as he fuses our bodies together with increasing urgency. And when I see his cock give a slight twitch I clasp it in my fist and hold tight, the rhythm of his body bobbing on mine pushing and pulling it through my grip.

A strangled cry rips from his throat as his ass contracts around me, squeezing me even tighter than the already harsh fit I'd endured up until this point. And it's everything.

The fireworks I saw behind my eyelids before are mere sparklers compared to the explosion of color blinding me now. One burst leads to another, and another, each one larger and more vibrant than the last. The visual matches what I feel in my body as surge after surge of energy ricochets through me, sending me to a paradise I didn't know could be found on Earth, let alone with another person.

My cock spasms and spurts deep inside Liam's channel while his pulses similarly in my fist. Rope after rope of cum shoots over my hand, my abs, his shaft, and my own release coats mine.

Just when I think I've hit the peak of my pleasure, Liam's astounded gaze finds mine, and another wave of euphoria courses through me. Only this time, instead of closing my eyes, I keep them locked on his, and I see the future I want but am still too afraid to take. The one where I'm with him.

To hide my cowardice, I lurch up as I grab his arm, pulling him close enough to wrap my hand around his neck and bringing our foreheads together.

"Is it always—"

"No," he cuts me off. "It's never been like that. Not for me."

"So, this—"

"Was the most incredible sex I've had in my life. Yeah."

I don't know whether to be proud I satisfied him or terrified of the implication we're that good together. One reaction could take me down a path I'm not ready to commit to, the other could take that path away before I get to take it.

In the end, I choose neither. "Beginner"s luck."

He snorts out a derisive laugh. "Sure. We'll go with that."

Great, now I feel like a jerk.

Pulling my head back so I can see his beautiful face, I give him a timid smile. "Happy New Year."

"We've got three more hours until midnight."

"I'm saying it now in case I don't make it that long."

He rolls those hazel eyes at me. "Don't tell me you're that worn out. I did all the work."

"Take it as a compliment." I bite the corner of my lip, anxious for his response.

"Typical football stud. You play a game that constantly starts and stops, so you only have energy in spurts."

I bark out a laugh, cause that shit's actually funny. "I guess we'll just have to practice. To build up my stamina."

Liam fights an amused grin. "Fine. Happy New Year. But don't think I won't wake your ass up at midnight to ring it in the right way."

"I hope you do." I kiss his soft lips, and lay back on the bed, taking him with me so he's tucked against my side. And just like he threatened, he wakes me up at midnight.