22. Liam

You don't realize how unique family celebrations are until you spend them with a family that's not your own.

I'm used to my dad reading "'Twas The Night Before Christmas" with a cup of hot chocolate or eggnog, a tradition that continued well into my teens since Liz was so much younger. I'm pretty sure the idea was to calm us down and get us ready for bed, so it was fairly low-key.

Cruz's family does the opposite. Bingo is chaotic, with shouting and swearing and laughter, and lots of drinking depending on how many times I-21 comes up. I never imagined Christmas Eve could be so loud, or borderline indecent.

Now, as I watch them all tear into their presents, I can't help making another comparison between calm and chaos.

I'm used to an orderly one-person-at-a-time method of opening presents, so you can see what everyone gets. Cruz's family does more of a free-for-all, which I was not expecting after the one-by-one Bingo reveal last night. I guess maybe they put more emphasis on gag gifts than real ones.

I'm actually glad they do it this way, since I don't have anything to open. Not that there's a sky-high stack of presents in front of anyone, but it's less noticeable that I don't have anything in front of me when we don't take turns going around the circle.

"Thanks, Pop," Cruz grins as he holds up a pair of Nike high tops.

"I know how fast you must go through shoes walking all over campus," his dad says. "And they're Nike, so you can wear them all the time."

I'm fairly certain his dad doesn't realize the team provides Cruz with an endless supply of Nike running shoes since they're the official sponsor, and that he only has to wear Nike while playing. But the guy is beaming about his gift, and being the golden retriever he is, Cruz doesn't point out how easy it would be for him to get a pair.

Were my parents ever that happy about a gift they got for me? Maybe when I was little, or before Liz got sick. I honestly can't remember.

"Oh, heck yeah!" Tommy shouts as he opens a stethoscope. "A titanium cardiology scope in mermaid." He slaps it around his neck and holds up the cone shaped bell for inspection, which looks rainbow colored to me. Nice touch.

Cheryl tries pointing out the additional features while Tommy tries to use it on Grandma, and Grandpa is struggling with a stubborn bow on his gift when one falls into my lap.

"Merry Christmas," Cruz's mom says.

I stare at the box for a few seconds before looking up to meet her smiling face. "For me?" I ask lamely.

She gestures to the box. "Open it."

"For me?" I repeat, since my brain can't connect the dots between Cruz's mom and the package on my lap. "Why?"

"Because it's Christmas," Cruz says, leaning forward to see what I got despite the fact I haven't attempted to open it yet.

"You told me I only needed a gag gift." I feel a minor panic coming on as I look at Cruz. "I didn't think we were doing gifts. I didn't bring anything."

I knew I should've grabbed a dessert, or bottle of wine, or sparkling cider since I'm not old enough to buy wine.

"I told you that so you wouldn't stress about trying to find something to bring." Cruz has the audacity to look pleased with himself.

"Yeah, now I can stress about how rude it is to receive a gift without giving one in return," I mutter.

"No one here is keeping score, now stop complaining and open it," Cruz says.

I pick up the flat, rectangular box, wrapped in paper that has dozens of images of Santa's sleigh on a baby blue background, and rip into it. Tossing the paper to the floor, I lift the lid and find a plush green sweatshirt with a silver image of a bighorn sheep. Our school mascot. And when I lift it out of the box, I see the letters underneath the sheep read ‘lacrosse.'

"How did you… Where… They don't even make these. Lacrosse is a club sport. I didn't think there was official gear for sale." I blink up at Cruz's mom, who just smiles affectionately.

"It wasn't easy to find." I hear the proud grin in Cruz's voice. "Mom had me special order it from the bookshop."

"I… thank you."

She leans over to give me a hug. "Thank you for coming. I know it must be hard to be in a strange place for the holidays, but we're glad you're here."

When was the last time anyone told me that?

Swallowing the gargantuan lump in my throat, I nod and busy myself with folding the sweatshirt so she can't see the tears threatening to leave my eyes.

***

"Hey, um. There's something I'd like to do today—you're welcome to come but you don't have to—but I'd sort of like to go now, if you're cool with it," Cruz babbles as we clean up the breakfast dishes that were forgotten once Tommy declared he wasn't going to wait any longer to open presents.

I'm not sure what happened between presents and dishes, but the guy standing next to me isn't full of the holiday spirit he woke up with, and that kind of has me freaking out.

"Whatever this is, you aren't exactly selling me on it." I pass him a casserole dish to dry and reach for the frying pan, hoping if I hold firm in my Scrooge role he'll go back to his chipper one.

"Yeah. Right. So." He scrunches his eyes shut for a beat before sighing heavily. "It's coming up on a year since Xavier's accident, and I haven't been home in months, so I… Except you…" He sets the dish down to rub his temples.

"You want to visit him," I say.

His head dips slightly as he sighs. "I know it's not the most cheerful thing to do on a holiday."

"Hey, I get it. If I was in Arizona, I'd be going to see my sister."

He nods again, then brings his wary blue eyes to mine. "I have to do this, but you don't need to go."

Depressed Cruz is giving me the impression I do, and like hell I'm going to leave him hanging. He'd never do that to me. "Weren't you the one making a big deal about not being alone on Christmas?"

"That's different."

I hand him the pan and shut off the water, then reach for another towel to dry my hands. "I'm not seeing the distinction."

He wants to protest, to give me an out, but he doesn't want to go by himself. It's written all over his conflicted face, which makes me want to kiss his confusion away. Instead, I hang up the dish towel and head toward the stairs. "Let me just grab my keys. I'll meet you at the car."

It takes me a few minutes to find them, buried in the pocket of the pants I wore here, which are crumpled on the ground from when Cruz stripped me out of them the first night.

That was…interesting.

Silent blow jobs have been a fun experiment, but I'm eager to get back to vocalizing my pleasure. And maybe trying something that requires lube. After I help my boyfriend—yeah, I said it—get through what's sure to be a rough afternoon.

Cruz is waiting by the passenger door when I step outside. And given how he's bouncing on his toes, he's either doing the pee dance or he's even more nervous than I first realized. Been there.

"This isn't the first time you've been to visit Xavier, is it?" I ask as I pull out of the driveway.

He shakes his head and points at the intersection. "Left here. It's the first time since I realized I'm gay ACE. Or demi. Or…had someone I like."

"Is that what's making you so jittery?" I turn where he guides me with his finger.

"I never told you about the last time I saw him, did I? What we fought about?"

"No, you only mentioned the fight, and that the last thing you said to him was spiteful."

Cruz nods silently and gestures for me to make another turn. "Xavier started dating this girl, Piper." He traps his lips between his teeth for a few breaths before continuing. "Almost right away things changed. Instead of hanging out with me he'd hang out with her. It hurt, especially since I couldn"t relate to the attraction part of their relationship, but I tried not to make an issue of it."

I nod as I turn into the cemetery, winding down the road as he continues.

"Xavier was still playing ball, and he signed the letter of intent to go to Colorado just like we'd always planned, so I figured the thing with Piper was a phase. Or at the very least, something that would run its course when we left for college. Park here."

I pull next to the curb Cruz points at. "You didn't like her?"

"I didn't know her. I tried, but she always wanted it to be just the two of them."

"That's rough."

Cruz nods absently. "Anyhow, the last time I saw him was when Xavier told me he wasn't going to go to Colorado, so he could go to Kansas with her, and I implied that he was throwing away his future and living her life, not his."

"I can see why you'd think that," I say, and honestly, I can. When a person changes course after years of pursuing one goal… It's only natural to wonder if they're making the right decision. Which means, I'm a significant wrench in Cruz's plans to pursue the NFL dreams he's always had. I need to remember that while he sorts through his feelings about me and coming out.

"That's his last memory of me," Cruz says softly. "Insulting his decision."

"I'm sure he knows your intentions were good, even if he couldn't see it at the time."

He tries to give me a smile, but he can't seem to get his lips to cooperate. "Anyhow, Xavier fired back that I wouldn't understand. He knew, or at least believed like I did, that I'm ACE. At the time it felt like he was attacking my sexuality, but now that we… Now that I am learning what it's like to be with someone, I think maybe I wasn't fair."

Now the nerves make sense—he's carrying around a ton of guilt—and while I don't want to make light of any of this, I feel like I need to lighten the mood before Cruz beats himself up any further.

"Damn, you hit the trifecta."

"What do you mean?" His brows draw together.

"You lost your best friend over an argument about relationships, wind up in a relationship yourself, and may or may not be risking your NFL career because of it. Trifecta."

"Is this an attempt to get me to laugh?" Cruz wrinkles his nose.

Right there with you. It sounded better in my head. "Is it working?"

"God no."

"Well, I am the ironic sunshine. I guess you do a better impression of me than I do you."

He almost chuckles as he turns to look at the gravestones lining the hillside. "Ironically, even after all this time I still think Xavier was doing all the giving, sacrificing his dreams for Piper's. But I can also see that it's not as black and white as I first thought. He told me she became part of the dream, and if that's true, keeping his scholarship would be like sacrificing her for his football dreams. Right?"

"It sounds like that's what he believed."

"What do you think?"

"Are we still talking about Xavier and Piper?"

Cruz's shoulder lifts slightly, though he makes no effort to look at me. Fuck!

Given his past, and our current situation, I get why he's asking these questions. Hell, I'm actually glad he's asking them, even if it might be a little soon to be going down this road. But if he's looking for me to give him an answer that he needs to come to himself, I can't help, no matter how much I might want to exert my influence.

"That's a loaded question. I think you need to do what's best for you, and I need to do what"s best for me. Right now, those two things are the same. That might not be true six months from now, and I can accept that. But wherever this goes, I don't regret it. I won't regret it. I'm closer to my old self than I've been in years, and that's because of you. I refuse to think that's a bad thing, no matter what. Now come on."

I hop out of the Jeep and walk around to the passenger side, opening his door and lacing our fingers together as I guide him to stand next to me.

"Your dad said the best way to keep Xavier close to you was to follow the dream you had as kids, so let's go tell him all about your first season."