17. Cruz

The numbers are starting to blur together on the page, and no matter how many times I blink I can't get them into focus.

"You okay over there?" Dani lets her pencil fall to the table as she stretches her arms out in front of her. "You look a little dazed."

"My eyes are kind of tired," I fib, although since we"ve been locked in this study room at the library for the better part of two hours, doing equations that aren't for the faint of heart, that's not an unrealistic excuse. It's just one I have to give since I can't tell her the real reason for my distraction.

"Cruz."

My head snaps up when I hear my name, which, based on Dani's concerned expression, is something she's said more than once.

"Are you always this preoccupied when you're studying or are you actively trying to portray yourself as a dumb jock?" Her smirk says she's teasing, but my overworked brain doesn't get the joke.

"Why would I want to give myself that image?"

She chuckles like my response is lame. "We really need to get you a new roommate. His grouchiness is affecting your ability to lighten up."

Defending Liam probably isn't the best idea since he's the reason I'm distracted, but I do it anyway. "Liam isn't a grouch. He's…" There's no good way to explain him without betraying his trust. "When you get to know him, he's a great guy."

"You keep saying that, but I tried to get to know him, and he blew me off."

"Really? When?"

"Last Wednesday. After class."

Last Wednesday was when we… And then we went for drinks. The anniversary of his sister's death.

"Oh, that was…" I take a deep breath and lean back as far as my chair will allow. "That was a really bad day for him."

"Lots of people have bad days," Dani says wryly.

"His was especially bad. I can't tell you why, just trust me on that." I give her an apologetic smile.

"What's his excuse the rest of the time?" She arches a manicured brow, which looks pretty cool in a Disney villain sort of way even though I don't think she has a villainous bone in her body. Just a skeptical one it seems.

"Why are you so interested in my roommate?"

"I…" She blinks a half-dozen times without answering. "I'm not interested, just concerned."

"Okay, why are you concerned?" I sit forward and rest my arms on the table.

"You're…" Her eyes dart from mine to the hands she's wringing together on the table. "I mean he's…"

"Just spit it out."

"I got this really weird vibe from him at that party. He seemed upset that I was talking to you. Jealous almost. And we were just talking. I think he…likes you."

My laugh comes out more like a snort. "I hope so considering he's stuck with me."

"No, I mean likes you, likes you." Her eyebrows rise as she tries to emphasize her point, and when I don't say anything else she does. "I think he has a thing for you."

Even if that were true, I'm not sure why that would be cause for concern, unless maybe she thinks there's something wrong with that. "Does that offend you?"

She crosses her arms in front of her chest. "If it means he's going to give me death glares it does."

"I talked to him about that. He said he was deep in thought and didn't mean to look so angry."

"I'm pretty sure his thought was that I was moving in on his territory and he didn't like it. You can tell him he doesn't have to worry. I know the deal."

"What deal?" I feel my brows pull together as I try to make sense of her comment.

"You aren't into girls."

First Liam likes me, and now I'm not into girls. Where is she getting all this?

"Who says I'm not into girls?"

"Uh, you did. That first night." When I don't say anything else she gives me a droll look and leans forward to rest her arms on the table, talking softly. "No guy ever turns down a blow job, no matter how much they've had to drink."

Okay, her logic on that may make some sense, even though she didn't completely hit the mark. But I can't admit that.

"You're oversimplifying. Turning down a blow job doesn't automatically equate to not liking girls."

"It's a pretty good indicator. Don't worry. I haven't said anything, and I won't. Your business is your business. But if your roommate looks at everyone who talks to you like they better back off, people are going to catch on."

"People will catch on that he's gay? He's not trying to keep that a secret."

"No, Cruz. People will catch on that you are. And since you gave me that excuse about drinking too much instead of telling me the truth, I assume that's something you aren't ready for people to know." She gives me a sympathetic smile.

Oh.

Oh!

"I'm not gay."

"Seriously, Cruz. I won't tell anyone. You don't have to pretend." Dani covers my hand with hers and gives it a gentle squeeze.

"I'm not pretending."

"I get why you'd want to keep that a secret." She continues like I didn't just deny it. "People say with your talent you have a shot at getting drafted, and you wouldn't want to risk that by coming out, even though it's supposedly accepted. Not to mention being a gay tight end instead of just a tight end—people would have a field day with that one, I'm sure."

"Dani," I cut her off as I pull my hand away. "I'm not gay."

"You're… Oh my god. Are you with someone and I tried to—"

"I'm not with anyone." Her expression morphs from mortified to confused to ashamed, and I get the impression only the truth will make her understand she did nothing wrong, and none of what happened that night was about her. She's too nice a girl to think I rejected her specifically. "I'm ACE."

"ACE?" Dani scrunches her nose. "As in, you don't like girls or guys?"

My first instinct is to say yes, although after what happened with Liam, I'm not sure that's accurate.

"That's a pretty long pause," she says when I don't immediately respond.

"That's because it's not a black and white answer. I'm still trying to figure it out." I lean back and cross my arms.

"Is Liam making you question things?"

"Why would you think that?"

She shrugs indifferently. "The way he looks at you. The way you were so concerned about him at the party."

That makes me chuckle. "He calls that my hero complex."

Dani cracks a knowing grin. "Are you aware you get this wistful smile on your lips when you talk about him?"

After doing a quick mental catalog of the muscles in my face I realize she's right. I'm smiling.

"Maybe you're not so ACE after all?" she says softly.

"Told you it's not black and white." I duck my head self-consciously.

"Is this your first crush?"

"I'm not even sure that's what it is." I run a frustrated hand through my hair. "Liam and I… I can't tell you why I relate to him without invading his privacy, but I do feel a connection to him. I don't know what type of connection, though. Like, is it just a friend thing or something more?"

"Maybe it's both. Maybe because you're friends you could see it becoming something more. Like you have to be friends first."

He said something similar, about me being comfortable with him, and while it's true I'm comfortable with him, I could say that about a lot of people.

"If that's the case, why haven't I had a crush on any of my other friends?"

Dani presses her lips between her teeth and shrugs. "Were you ever attracted to any of them?"

"They're attractive people."

"That's not what I asked. Were you attracted to them?"

"No."

"Are you attracted to Liam?"

"How would I know that? I've never been attracted to anyone before."

Dani pins me with a look that says ‘don't be difficult,' so with a heavy sigh I close my eyes and try to pull up an image of Liam.

The first thing that comes to mind is a pair of hazel eyes that skew brown if there's a crease between his eyebrows, green when there isn't, like when he was between my legs, peering up at me from beneath long lashes. Blond hair that looks shiny in the sun, soft when he flicks his head to get it out of his eyes, so that he can look at mine when he speaks. Full, pink lips that pull into a tentative smile more and more often. A long, lean torso. Smooth skin covering a rigid…

My eyes fly open when I realize my breaths are no longer slow and steady.

"That's a yes." Dani fans her face dramatically.

"I uh…" My face feels way too hot for a study session. Not in the panicky way I sometimes get when I try to analyze what I am, but in a ‘busted' sort of way.

"Does he know?"

"Know what?"

Dani rolls her eyes. "That you have a crush on him?"

"I didn't know until just now."

"You mean, you haven't noticed yourself getting anxious or excited around him. Sweaty palms, butterflies in the stomach, that sort of thing?"

"Maybe once or twice. Only in the last day or so."

"So, are you gonna tell him?" Her greenish eyes are big and round as she waits for my answer.

"Why do you look so excited? A few minutes ago, you thought I needed a new roommate, and now, you want me to tell him I like him?"

"I may not get it personally, but you're into him and you're my friend, so…" She lifts a shoulder like that's a perfectly clear explanation, and the irony is, I actually get it.

For years, I've been the one saying, ‘I don't get it personally,' and now that someone else is saying it, it makes perfect sense. She's not asking me to convince her of anything, just taking at face value that I know what I'm doing. I mean, I don"t, but the fact she isn't going to judge what she doesn't understand means more than she could ever know.

It also makes me realize that's a courtesy I didn't give Xavier. Not completely. Even if I had my doubts about why he was going to change schools, I should've trusted him to make his own decisions. Or at least given him the freedom to make them without judgment whether I supported them or not.

I barely know Dani and she's already a better friend to me than I was to the guy I thought of as a brother.

"Cruz."

My head pops up.

"Where'd you go this time?"

"Sorry, just remembering something. I didn't mean to zone out."

Dani gives me a skeptical look before repeating herself. "Are you going to tell him how you feel?"

My stomach starts doing flips, the panicky kind, and I begin to ramble. "That's a lot of pressure for us. We share a room, and he knows I'm ACE. What if he doesn't feel the same and we're stuck with each other? Or he feels obligated to like me back since I've never liked anyone before?"

"Whoa, slow down." Dani laughs. "I'm pretty sure the ‘back off' glares he gives people mean he's into you."

"He hasn't said that." Liam said he likes it better when I touch him than when he touches himself, but that's not the same thing.

"He's probably trying to respect your boundaries and follow your lead."

"What does that mean?"

"It means you need to make the first move."

"What's considered a first move?"

Dani gives me another of those sympathetic smiles. "I guess that depends on what you're ready for the world to know about you."

"The world?" I huff with a snort.

"Campus, then. Or your teammates."

"Why do they need to know anything about me?"

Dani worries a pink lip. "I guess they don't, but that doesn't mean you get to avoid the question."

"What question is that?" I lean back in my chair and cross my arms, bracing for what I'm not sure, just…bracing.

"Whether you want to stay in the closet."

I let out the breath I've been discreetly holding. "I'm not in the closet."

"Then why did you give me the drunk excuse at that party?"

"To avoid hurting your feelings when I knew I wouldn't have the reaction you were expecting." She arches that villain brow again. "And to avoid the whole ACE conversation," I mutter.

"Look Cruz, I don't think it's fair to put you in this position. I don't think it's fair that anyone has to explain themselves. But the truth is, until you can publicly admit you're ACE, or you aren't into women, or you're into Liam, you are in the closet. And since he isn't, your next move with Liam is going to depend on what you're ready for."

"I'm confused. Are you saying I shouldn't tell him I've got a crush on him? I thought you were just trying to convince me I should?"

"I'm saying to be honest. If you aren't ready to be out, then don't give him false expectations by asking him on a date. Tell him you're interested and ask if he's willing to explore that privately. But if you are comfortable being out go ahead and ask him on the date. Now do you follow?"

My head bobs slowly up and down as I replay her words. "Yeah, I do."

"So?" I swear her eyes have a mischievous glint to them, and I have a brief, guilty thought that I'm glad Liam is the one who interests me because her whole ‘go for it, don't go for it' advice is super exhausting. "What are you going to do?"

"Nothing until I get back from this road game." We have to travel to the east coast, over the Thanksgiving break, giving me nearly a week to work out what I'm ready to do before I'll even see Liam again since we're leaving tonight. "After that, I guess I'll just do what feels right."

That's seemed to work so far, so I might as well stick with what works.

Dani gives me a bright smile as she starts to pack up her things. "Let me know how it goes?"

"Uh, sure." I reach for my books to put them away.

"You'll figure it out." She reaches forward to squeeze my hand again. "And if you need to talk, I'm here. Good luck at the game."

"Thanks."

Now I just have to hope I can stay focused on it, instead of the roommate I apparently have a thing for, while I'm thousands of miles away from him.