31. Phaedra

PHAEDRA

I wished I could take back everything that had happened a couple of nights ago. Arguing with Asher was so unnecessary. If I had been more compassionate, given him the grace and space he needed instead of forcing him to speak to me when he clearly wanted to be alone, maybe things would be different. Maybe I wouldn't feel this horrible, aching chasm growing inside me.

I couldn't stop thinking about it. The way I'd forced myself into his shed, the way I'd insisted on telling him what he was doing was wrong, the raised voice, the way I'd had to force myself to ignore the wounds covering so much of his body. It was embarrassing and hardly becoming of a potential mate.

I was planning to remove Connor as alpha of the Wilcox pack and dismantle high-wolf society one gossip session at a time, yet I acted like a spoiled child who didn't get her way because my boyfriend didn't give me enough attention. Old habits die hard, and now I suffered yet another rejection from a man I loved. But this time, I could acknowledge it was completely my fault.

I dressed and ate the breakfast Theo had brought me. She eyed me with concern, and I knew she wanted to ask what was wrong, but something on my face must have prevented her from asking. I appreciated that so much, but part of me resented it, too. Why couldn't I be more like Theo? Somehow, she endured the weight of everything we were doing and still found a way to be considerate of other people's emotions. I bet she wouldn't have burst her way into Asher's shed and started an argument with her partner when he was in the grips of grief.

I did have a right to be angry with Asher, but surely there were better ways I could have gone about it. I could have waited until I was in a better place before launching at him like that.

I finished breakfast, then headed to Penny's study. Selene and Penny were inside. Yesterday, neither of them had been here, so I took some work back to my room. When I'd come back with the finished documents, nothing had been touched, and the door to Penny's connecting room was locked the way it had been when I'd first grabbed the papers.

I'd figured things would be the same today, but here they were, sitting very close together at the table. When they looked up at me, I forced a smile.

"Are you sure you want to be up and about today, Pen?" I asked. "It's still so soon after…" Like that night, it was difficult to finish the sentence. I felt like a coward leaving it hanging like that.

If Penny was bothered, she didn't show it. "You sound like her," she said, nodding at Selene with a half-smile. "Yes, I'm sure. I… I'm not ready to let sadness take me over the way it almost did with my father," she explained. "So, here I am."

Part of me wanted to scold her, but how could I? We were the same in that respect. Burying our feelings in our work, becoming workhorses, because if we didn't it would feel like the world was coming down around us. I was sure neither of us felt like doing anything today, but working helped us pretend we weren't hurting as badly as we were. I wondered if Asher was the same way, but it wasn't really any of my business anymore, was it?

It wouldn't make up for my blunders with Asher, but I wanted to support Penny like I should have supported Asher. "You deserve to feel your pain and to grieve, but I understand why you're not taking that time. There's too much work to be done."

She nodded and swiped at a stray tear from her cheek. "See? You get me."

My answering smile was more genuine. "Of course I do."

On a different day, I would have teased Penny about how close she was to sitting in Selene's lap when she was supposed to be working, but I couldn't muster up the energy, and I doubted Penny was in the mood to be teased.

Selene and I exchanged nods of acknowledgment as I sat across from them and pulled my share of the work toward me. Like Randall, she was a very quiet, serious sort of person, and I wasn't sure how to behave around her. But I didn't feel unsafe around her anymore, and I didn't mind her helping us skim over documents for relevant information.

For the first couple of hours, we were quiet aside from the shuffling of papers, the occasional clearing of throats, or getting up to grab water. Thankfully, Penny was too focused on her own emotions to notice how I was trying to hide mine.

But when lunch time approached, Penny pinned me with a look that told me I wasn't succeeding at keeping my emotions to myself.

"Phaedra, what's the matter?"

"What do you mean?" I asked, glancing back down to the expense sheets. "I'm fine."

She shook her head and gave me an empathetic smile. "I don't need to be a lie detector like you to know that's not true."

I started to deny it again, but she raised her hand, stopping me. "Is it about Asher?"

I set down the pen and leaned back in my chair. I didn't want to get into it, but I didn't feel as much annoyance as I thought I would. Maybe I just didn't have the energy to get irritated or defensive. Maybe it was because she was my best friend who was obviously coming from a place of compassion and concern. That said, my mood had everything to do with Asher, and it wasn't exactly easy to talk about him in front of his ex.

"Yes," I admitted.

"What happened?"

I shook my head. "I don't want to talk about it. Maybe later, but right now… things are too fresh."

She bit the inside of her cheek, then said, "I get it."

I flashed her a grateful smile. "Thanks, Pen."

When I glanced at Selene, I found her assessing me with those dark, knowing eyes. I felt naked under her stare, so I quickly dropped my gaze to my hands. The tips of my fingers were stained red with ink from the fountain pen.

Penny gathered her paperwork and tapped the stack on the desk to straighten them. "These need the alpha's signature, so I'll leave them with Randall."

It was just another stack in a growing pile for Connor to review. He still hadn't signed any of the papers she'd sent him. Penny made note of all of them.

"Do you want me to come with you?" Selene asked, then stopped and laughed at herself. "Never mind. I forgot that I'm not supposed to be seen with you two. The pix powder I used to get here will have worn off by now."

Penny laughed and pushed her hair behind her ear. "I'm glad you remembered. Silly me completely forgot that we're trying to be discreet. You have enough of that powder to get back home, right?"

Selene winced. "Actually, I'm the fool here. I left it in my den."

Penny crossed her arms and gave a theatrical shake of her head. "I suppose I can let you use some of mine. Honestly, Selene, you shouldn't have used it to come here at all."

Her answering smile was warm and amused. "Why not? My pack is in Layla's capable hands. And besides, I wanted to check on you."

The admission made Penny stand a bit straighter, her cheeks turning bright pink. "W-well…" The poor woman was tongue-tied for a few seconds. "I-I appreciate that, but it wasn't necessary."

I looked from one to the other and smiled, glad the attention was off me and that the two of them were falling in love. It put me in such a good mood, I decided to tease her.

"Why not just use the pix powder on Selene so she can come with you?" I asked innocently, as if I was just trying to be helpful.

"A-ah, no. I could use the walk, anyway. Clear my head a bit, you know." Penny got even redder as she spoke, still too prideful to admit Selene's company was exactly what she wanted. Huh. Maybe I should have taken my work back to my room and given them the opportunity to flirt in peace.

Penny was gone for only a minute when Selene said, "Phaedra, I was hoping the two of us could talk a little."

I nearly shivered. I wasn't used to hearing her say my name. "Oh? What about?"

What could she want to discuss? She wouldn't have anything new to say about Connor. There had been no meetings after the one the other morning with those of high-wolf society who had remained. Was there something wrong with her pack? Did she have a favor to ask?

She shifted in her seat, looking almost as uncomfortable as I felt. "I… I've been reflecting a lot on my behavior lately. I was hoping there would be a more organic time to bring this up, but after seeing you like this, I think now is as good a time as any."

I frowned, tilting my head to the seed. "What do you mean, ‘like this?' How do I seem right now?"

She winced. "Ah, there was probably a better way I could have said that. But I mean… the expression you have on your face right now. You had a similar look weeks ago on that day I confronted Asher."

Oh. I didn't like thinking about it, but I remembered it very clearly. She had been so furious, so righteous in her anger. The scene was forever burned in my memory.

"I've been thinking about that a lot," she admitted. "I'm ashamed that, up until very recently, I didn't understand why Asher risked the future of his pack for you. What was so special about you that he would choose you over a mutually beneficial, strategic alliance with me? Why he would hesitate to kill Edgar, even though it would end the curse that had plagued his pack so long, in order to save you?"

I wasn't sure how to respond. "I… I don't know," I said. I was acutely aware of the pain, of the emptiness slowly filling my body, and of the yearning I had for the man who didn't want me. "I'm nobody," I said, speaking from those dark depths. "I'm nothing."

Selene chuckled, but she stopped when she saw me look at her. "I'm so sorry," she said, though there was still a hint of a smile on her lips. "I really shouldn't laugh, but it's strange to hear you say that. I guess even the children of gods doubt themselves."

I paused, then burst out laughing. It was kind of funny when she put it like that.

"To be honest, Phaedra, I only recently started to understand where Asher was coming from, why he was so willing to risk everything for you."

"What happened that made you change your mind?"

"I fell in love."

She admitted this with no shyness or hesitation. Her eyes were clear and bright with that honesty. She had the intensity of someone who understood themselves.

"With Penny," I said.

She nodded, blushing a bit. "I haven't known Penny for very long, but if I was put in the same position as Asher and had to choose between her and my pack… Gods, the choice might have killed me. It's like something has shifted in my brain. I think about her constantly. I worry when we aren't together. Even now, I'm choosing to spend time with her over guarding my pack.

"After I heard about the death of her mother, I knew I didn't want her to go through that pain without me by her side. I was so sick with worry for her, I couldn't sleep. I made the decision to come here as soon as Layla was awake, and I'm lucky I have such an attentive right-hand. I came here first thing, and I was in such a rush, I didn't even think to bring the rest of the pix powder with me. My pack has always been my first priority, but that's changed, and Penny is all I can think about. Adding a fated mate bond and a curse on top of that… Gods, I really don't know how Asher stayed sane."

I felt myself opening up a little. I didn't say anything, but the emotions I were trying hard to bury were surfacing. All this talk about love… how could I not miss Asher?

"I won't ask what happened between you and Asher, but I've known him for years, and I think I have a pretty good idea of what happened."

I wanted to laugh, but a sob came out instead. "What should I do?"

Selene reached over and touched the back of my hand. "My advice is this: It's okay not to let him have his way. If he told you he wants space, it's okay to move closer. If he insists things are one way, it's okay to push back. If he broke up with you, it's okay to fight for him."

I shook my head and reached for a tissue with my free hand. "He doesn't want to be alone with me."

She chuckled again. "That's because he's a fool, and a very stubborn one. But, Phaedra, if I know him, and if I know what it's like to find your mate, then he won't mind if you refuse to listen to him. He'll be regretting whatever he said to you, and he'll want you back."

Was she right? Could I dare hope?

I was about to ask that question myself when I caught myself listing to the side. As I straightened, a feeling of vertigo washed over me, and I felt like I was being sucked into myself, falling backward into a black hole.

"Phaedra, are you okay?" Selene's question came from very far away, and I tried to ask her for help, but the darkness swallowed my voice.

Panic overwhelmed me, caging in on me from all sides. Mara had told me this wouldn't happen again. That because I had more control over my abilities, I ought to be able to keep this darkness at bay. So, why was I here? And why was this darkness less like a total absence of light and more like an ocean of ink? Every move I made had the ink pressing in even closer. It was like a living thing, a creature that wanted to get inside me, into my blood. Like it wanted to completely permeate every inch of my body and drag me down.

And in that darkness, I heard a horribly familiar laugh.

"Look at you," Kestrel said, speaking with faux concern. "You're totally helpless, aren't you, little girl? You're not a wolf at all, but a mouse drowning in a bucket."

My lungs constricted as the darkness pressed closer and closer.

"Before now," she went on, "I could only take you over in your sleep when you were at your most vulnerable. But look how much stronger I've gotten. I can take control of you even while you're awake."

No! This isn't true! This… this was just a nightmare!

"Oh, but it is true, little mouse, and it is very real. I can only do this temporarily for now, but I've nearly got complete control of your body. The next time I do this, you're in for a real shock."

Stop! Give my body back!

"I will," she giggled with sickeningly girlish glee. "But only because I want you to see what I've been able to do with even this small window of time."

I opened my eyes to chaos.

I had Selene pinned to the floor, one hand gripping her throat. Her face was pale, her mouth open, trying to drag in breath. Her hands were the claws of a wolf, tearing at my dress in an effort to push me away. Blood stained her face—no, it was only ink. Red ink from the fountain pen gripped in my other hand. I had it poised over her face, the sharp tip aimed toward her eye. I'd been about to stab her.

I dropped the pen like it was on fire and immediately backed off. Selene sat up, coughing, gripping her throat as she forced air into her lungs. Her neck had five angry red welts where my nails had nearly pierced through her flesh.

"I-I'm s-sorry. I?—"

The sound of Penny's sniffling interrupted my stammering. When I looked behind me, I found the rest of the room looking like a tornado had just blown through. The table was knocked over onto its side, documents strewn about the room, some caught crumpled under the table, others scattered on the floor in disarray.

Penny lay on her side, her hands on her head. Selene forced herself to her feet and rushed to Penny's side. She was still panting, but she pulled Penny close. Blood seeped from between Penny's fingers.

"What have you done?" Selene rasped, her glare full of malice… and fear. "Why would you do this?"

I stepped back, wayward papers crumpling under my feet.

"Wait, Selene," Penny began, wincing. "This isn't like Phaedra. Something's wrong."

"You're damn right something's wrong." Selene was still glaring at me, as protective of Penny as I would be if our roles were reversed.

It was surreal realizing I had been the one to hurt her. That I had been the one to do this. Or rather, I'd been made to do it while Kestrel was in control of my body.

"Explain yourself!" Selene snapped, calling me to attention.

"I'm s-sorry," I said again. I felt cold and a little numb. My teeth were chattering, my body shaking. I didn't know if that was because I was back in control of my body, or if it was from the shock. "It wasn't m-me. I would n-never hurt anyone… K-Kestrel did it. Sh-she was the one?—"

My panic heightened as I realized how insane I sounded, even to myself. I couldn't stay here. My mind had gone almost silent with horror, but for a single thought: Move, move, MOVE!

And so I moved.

I sprinted out of the study, ignoring the guards racing down the hall, no doubt to see what had happened. Theodora tried to stop me.

"What happened?" she asked. "Where are you going?"

"I'm going to my room," I called over my shoulder, running on. It was all I could think to say. But it was a lie. I had no idea where I was going or how I would get there. But I needed to get the hell out of here before I hurt someone else.