24. Phaedra

PHAEDRA

T he woman was gorgeous even as she stormed toward us, her long, black hair lifting in the air as she neared.

"What the hell is she doing here?" she demanded, jabbing a finger in my direction.

Asher stepped between the woman and me. "Selene, don't."

My heart thumped against my rib cage. Selene. Of course. She was the alpha of the Coldcrow pack and the woman Connor and El had warned me about. Seeing her in the flesh made me feel like I was in the middle of a nightmare where I couldn't speak or move. So, I stood still as she neared, even as my wolf growled and urged me to defend what was ours. I had to see how this interaction played out, even though my heart hung in the balance.

"I see my absence has taught you nothing," she spat, pushing away one of Asher's men when he tried to intercept her. "I see you haven't realized how worse off you are without me at your side."

Asher was calm, but there was a stiffness about him. Her presence here had come as just as much of a surprise to him.

"Showing off your new mate without a hint of shame," she continued to rage. "I should have known you wouldn't have even an ounce of respect for me now that you've found her."

"Selene, you're the one who left," Asher retorted. "You packed up without even a word to me or anyone else. You showed no respect for me or for this alliance you say you care about."

She shook her head. "No. You violated our agreement. Everything I did after was to protect what remained of my pride."

His face hardened. "I tried to work this out with you more than once. But every time I tried, you refused to listen to me."

"Because you can't just change the terms of our agreement when you feel like it! You promised me we would be mated. For that alliance, I was willing to risk binding my entire pack to a curse your father put on your people! I see you've not only made your choice, but you've also consummated it!"

"No," Asher said firmly. "You seem to forget how good this deal was for you and your pack. You gave us the soldiers you had, and we made that work. In exchange, you got enough food and resources to keep your pack alive, and once Edgar was dead, we would combine our packs. None of your men have died under my command. You had everything to gain and very little to risk."

She was breathing hard, her cheeks red, and eyes shimmering with tears, but she didn't let them fall. "I'm done taking this abuse, and I'm done with you. You ruined everything, Asher. I hope you're fucking satisfied." She whipped around and stalked off.

Asher stiffened, as though the reality of what had just happened had just hit him. "Selene, hold on."

He walked after her, and every step he took toward her and away from me made me colder and colder. I was numb to what I was witnessing, but some part of me knew that soon, that numbness would fade, and the pain of what I was witnessing would hit me full force.

"I am still willing to work things out with you," he said. "An alliance is still in our best interest if we want to take power back from the Wilcox pack. It's possible to fix things if?—"

"You can't fix anything!" she roared. "Not as long as you're mated to her. " With that, she left as suddenly as she'd arrived.

Asher watched her leave, running a hand through his hair in frustration. I stared at him, thawing slowly. So, he had not only promised himself to Selene, but he had a history with her that involved the future of their packs. By being with me, Asher had gone back on their plans.

With a pang, I wondered if he had ever had feelings for her. Had the fated mark dimmed them? He was focused on their alliance, not their relationship, but Selene clearly thought there was more between them. What if he was simply saving face in front of me?

My thoughts continued down this awful path. Just as it had been the day that Connor rejected me, I felt disconnected from my body, like I was watching it play out from above. Asher had rejected Selene, but he'd replaced her with me.

As those words echoed in my mind, the sting of them increased in intensity. I was only dimly aware of Asher taking my arm and leading me away from the scene of the argument. If he'd said anything to me, I had no idea, because the dread resounding in my head was so loud.

I came back to myself as we neared his cabin and snatched my arm away. I didn't want to go back there where he'd made me feel safe and loved. If he took me inside, it would have been all too easy for me to sink into his arms again and let the fated mate mark take over. It would lull me into a state of mind that would allow me to forget that interaction with Selene had ever happened. It terrified me that I could forgive him so easily.

Asher was looking at me with eyes filled with concern. "Phaedra," he said gently. "I'm sorry you had to see that."

"No." My mind felt so disconnected from the rest of my body, it was amazing I could speak at all. "I-I can't do this."

Asher's concerned expression morphed into something carefully blank. "What are you saying?"

I stared at him, hating how his gaze pulled me in. Goddess, I wanted to just dissolve into his embrace instead of keeping him at arm's length.

"You lied to me, Asher. You tricked me into thinking I was the only woman who mattered to you. How could you?"

He reached for me, but I took a step back. His hand hung there uselessly for a second, then slowly dropped to his side. "It's not like that, Phaedra. Selene and I… we were only engaged for our packs."

"You were her chosen mate," I retorted. "Yes or no?"

He stared at me, then lowered his head. "Yes. But that was in the past. It doesn't matter now."

Unlike Selene, who was strong even in the face of her heartbreak, I couldn't keep the hot, stinging tears from spilling over my cheeks. But I was grateful for the way it blurred my vision. His words were like a punch to the gut, and I wasn't sure I could look at him without breaking apart.

"You're just like Connor!" I was yelling because at least yelling wasn't sobbing. "You promise a girl one thing and then you discard them when they don't serve you. I've spent years wallowing in the aftershock of a public rejection just like the one you put Selene through. What you've done to her is not fair when she was loyal to you."

"Phaedra… please don't do this." Asher had the audacity to sound like it was his world that was crumbling.

"How can you ask me that? How can you when you're the one who didn't follow through on the promise you made to her?" I was breathing hard now, almost hyperventilating. My mind, however, was clear and calm. I knew what I needed to do. "You need to go back to her. You have the future of your pack to think about, but you've just been wasting your time with me."

"Wait—"

I went on, gaining momentum with the certainty of my decision. "I found a book that will dissolve our bond, Asher. I didn't want to tell you because… well, it doesn't matter now, does it?" I rubbed my eyes until my vision was clear again. The tears had stopped—the only blessing in this situation. "I know now that I need to leave this stupid island and find somewhere far away from wolves like you and Connor. Wolves who just want to play at being in love."

He stared at me with an unreadable expression. A breeze passed between us, and I felt so cold.

Finally, he said, "I agree with you."

Those four words were like a physical blow.

"I shouldn't have lied to either of you," he said, his body stiff. "But you're right, I need to man up to face the consequences of what I've done. Let's… let's dissolve our bond."

He walked quickly past me and into his cabin. I followed slowly, as if I was being pulled by an invisible string. He was in his kitchen opening up one of the cabinets. There was an old, dented safe inside. The royal blue paint was chipped at the corners, exposing the true, dull color of the metal underneath.

When the safe was open, I heard the sound of him stuffing money into an envelope. When he turned, he handed it to me.

"There. That should be enough for you to get out."

"What?" I stared at the pouch. It bulged from the amount of money he'd packed inside of it. "This is too much."

"That doesn't matter." He stepped back when I reached out to try and give it back to him. "Just consider it as payment for trying to find a more peaceful solution to our curse."

"No." I again tried to give it back. "I can make my own way."

"Phaedra, please, just take it."

I looked at the envelope, feeling the pit growing in my gut. "So, this is it, then?"

He didn't answer immediately. But when I looked at him, he avoided meeting my gaze. "It has to be."

There were no falsehoods in what he said, which only made my pain more complete. It was hard to believe that just a couple of hours ago, I had felt whole and full and peaceful. Now, I was so devasted, my soul threatened to break in half.

I don't know why I kept the money, but I did. Stomping out his cabin, I peeled off my clothes as I went. When I was on the path that led to Heartbridge Cave, I shifted and held the package between my teeth. My wolf didn't fight me as I directed us back home. Maybe she was just as confused as I was.

I didn't sleep very much that night. At most, I had spurts that lasted an hour at most. The rest of the waking time was spent recounting each decision I'd made that had led me to my current situation. I was at war with hating myself, hating high-wolf society, and trying to hate Asher. At best, all I could manage was to detest the choices he'd made. I couldn't even force myself to hate him, not when I thought of how brightly his hazel eyes burned. Especially when he spoke about how much he loved his pack.

So, after a very unrestful night, I planned for the day. After work, I would go to the library to find that book, and then I'd meet with Asher so we could rid ourselves of the fated mate marks.

First, though, I needed to stash the money Asher gave me. I didn't want to keep it near Heartbridge Cave anymore. Once he and I got rid of our bond, I never wanted to step anywhere near the cave again. There were too many sweet memories there for me to endure.

So, at dawn, a couple of hours before I'd need to head to work, I went to the pix village. A few pix were already buzzing around, El among them. Pix rarely seemed to sleep. According to El, sleeping was seen as a waste of time. They lived such short lives that they didn't need to rest on the same schedules as humans or wolves.

She did a double take when she saw me and zipped down to talk to me. "What are you doing here? You're never up this early."

"Yeah." I tried to smile, but I felt too weighed down. "I didn't sleep well last night."

"I can see that." She gave an empathetic frown and rested her palm on my forehead. It was nice to be touched even though it was a very tiny touch. "You don't look your best, Phae. Did something happen between you and Asher?"

I bit my lip to keep it from wobbling. "Yes. You were right about that female wolf you saw him with."

She gasped and pressed her forehead to mine, right over the spot where she'd touched me. "I'm so sorry."

Not for the first time, I wished I could hug her. I knew she cared about and was concerned for me. For a fool like me, that was more than enough.

After a few seconds of silence, I swallowed my sorrow and straightened my back. "One good thing came out of it," I said, pulling the envelope out of my bag. "Is it possible for you to keep this money for me? Asher gave it to me, but it doesn't feel right to keep a stash of money near Heartbridge Cave anymore." I tried to laugh, but it sounded hollow to my ears.

El, ever my empathetic and understanding friend, understood immediately. "Of course, but what are you going to do with it?"

"I've come up with a new plan." I took a deep, steadying breath, then explained. "I'm going to pretend to take Connor's offer to become a librarian, then steal the book that will let me end my mate bond with Asher. We'll do whatever we need to do to dissolve the bond, and then, on the night of Connor's ascension, I'll leave this godsforsaken place."

Everyone would be busy preparing for the ascension, so no one would notice I'd left. I didn't care what I had to do to get to the mainland. I'd swim if needed. When I had an apartment and a job, I'd try to be happy, but I would never take a mate again. It never seemed to work out when I allowed myself to trust a man, so I'd just avoid getting hurt at all.

"It's not a bad plan," El said with a sad smile. "No one will catch you while Connor's rise to power is keeping everyone's attention. But that's only a few days from now. I wish I could keep you here with me a little longer."

"And I wish I could take you with me." I felt tears welling up again, but I wiped them away. I really, really wished I could keep her by my side.

"Well, I can see you've made up your mind, and as your best friend, I should do what I can to support your decisions." She paused, taking a deep, fortifying breath. "Listen, once you find that book, don't bother trying to translate it yourself. Just take it to Kestrel. She'll help you break the bond."

My eyes widened. It was the first time she'd ever voluntarily offered information about breaking the bond.

"When you go to her, there are three things you need to keep in mind. First, don't give her any part of you if she asks for it. Two, don't touch her things. And third, if she turns you down, just offer her more money. She needs it just as badly as wolves do."

I nodded. "Thank you, El. You don't know what this means to me."

She gave me that sad smile again. "It's hard telling you this, because I have a feeling I just told you something that could be dangerous for you. So, in exchange, I want you to survive and live your life as happily as you can."

I nodded, not trusting myself to speak without bursting into tears.

"And make sure you stop by before you leave Isle Royale for good. I-I want to be able to see you off with a proper goodbye."

I laughed, but it was more like a sob. "Of course, El. It's a promise."

I cried with her a little while longer, then I headed back to Den City to start my shift.

Because my life was falling apart around me, I expected my work day to be similarly awful. But, like a blessing, it was a quiet day with no one paying me any mind. I finished out my day late in the evening, then went home to get ready to go to the alpha manor.

I put on the dress El and the other pix had made me. To make it look a bit different, I draped a blue scarf over my shoulders to hide the claiming bite. Once I'd dabbed on some makeup over the fated mate mark, I headed out.

Once again, I was allowed past the gates, and when I reached the manor, I walked down the main hall to get to the library. Ahead of me at the end of the hall were a few people heading toward the opposite wing of the manor. Among them was Penny Salcedo. She glanced at me and did a double take. We both stopped walking the moment we made eye contact.

Neither of us moved for several seconds. She had held onto the round cheeks of her youth longer than most of us, but her face had matured in the five years since I'd seen her, and now she looked every bit the poised, elegant woman her mother was. Her chocolate brown hair was pulled up into a bun, and she wore a floor-length, flowing gown the color of honey.

Abruptly, with none of the practiced grace that was instilled in us when we were children, she altered course and made a beeline for me.

"Phaedra." She opened her arms the way she did when she greeted me in the past, but quickly dropped them before her hands reached me. It felt like a jab to the chest that she denied the hug, though I understood.

Instead, she leaned toward me as she spoke in a hushed voice. "Did you read my message?"

"I did."

"Then, what are you doing here? What if Connor tries to give you to Randall right now?"

The question set my heart pounding, but my indignation about her questioning me when I had other things worrying me was stronger. "This is the first time we've talked face to face in five years and you choose to start things off like this?"

Like me, Penny was used to keeping her expression blank in uncomfortable situations, but I knew my words had chastised her by the slight twitch of her eyebrow. Though I was annoyed, there was part of me that found comfort in the fact her tics and tells were still recognizable. I wanted to believe Penny was still my best friend.

"Fair point." She glanced around. The two of us were alone in the hallway, but that was more unsettling than comforting. We were too exposed.

Penny must have been following my line of thinking because she said, "Follow me. We'll talk somewhere where no one can overhear us."

There was nowhere in the manor that was unfamiliar to me, aside from the alpha's chambers because I never went into Edgar's room. So, when she led me to the end of the hallway, I suspected I knew exactly where she was taking me—the small storage closet that held linens and toiletries.

She, Connor, and I had tried to use the closet for secret meetings when we were young, but the objects in the room looked very eerie in the dark. We were too young to have had our first shift, so we couldn't see them for the harmless supplies they were. None of us wanted to admit that we wanted to turn on the light, so we never used it.

Now, as adults, Penny and I entered the closet without trouble. We both had wolves, though she wasn't privy to that information about me. She closed the door and flicked on the light for my sake.

Now we were alone, Penny tried to smile. "It's wonderful to see you again," she said. "It's been a long time, and I've missed you so much."

My lingering annoyance evaporated when I sensed no lie in what she'd said. Penny really had missed me. She thought it was wonderful to see me again.

Without thinking twice about it, I wrapped my arms around her and completed the hug she'd hesitated on.

"It makes me so happy to hear you say that, Penny," I said, my voice thick with unshed tears. "I've missed you, too."

She immediately hugged me back, holding me as close as I held her. "There are so many things I want to say to you," she murmured into my shoulder. "But I don't have a ton of time. I'm supposed to be meeting with someone in the drawing room."

I pulled back and wiped a stray tear away. "Who?"

Her nose scrunched with distaste as she answered, "A potential mate."

She was only a year younger than me, but she was unmated. It wasn't very "traditional" for her to be single. It was an unfair and outdated, but there wasn't much she could do about it in her position. Just like she wasn't able to do anything when I was banished.

"Honestly, I'm surprised you've managed to stay single," I said. I wanted to show her that I was disgusted, too, but I couldn't convince my face to cooperate. Talking about suitors made me think of Asher. It was still too fresh, and I didn't want to dwell on the subject any longer than necessary.

"Well, it hasn't been easy with everyone breathing down my neck. If Grandpa was still alive, he'd be pitching a fit." She rolled her eyes.

Though Asher lingered in my mind, I smiled. It was almost like we were continuing where we'd left off, like the five-year gap hadn't altered our friendship at its core. Maybe it hadn't.

"But we're not here to talk about me," she said. "I want to know what you're doing here. You're supposed to be keeping your distance from him and Randall."

I sighed. "I already confronted Connor about that." In answer to the question I saw that she was about to ask, I added, "He abducted a friend of mine a couple of days ago, and?—"

"Good goddess! He did?" Her eyes were round with horror. "Where are they being kept? I'll help you get them out?—"

"No, no." I shook my head. "I got her back already. She's a pix, and he was keeping her in a small bird cage. He wouldn't release her until I met with him."

"You're fucking kidding."

Her curse surprised me. I guess some things had changed. The girl I used to know never cursed, not even when we were alone.

"I thought he had been acting strange lately, but I had no idea he'd done something like that," she said. "Even if his anger was justified—which it isn't , and I don't give a damn what he says about it—he had no right to take it out on someone else. And to do it to a pix? They're suspicious enough of us as it is." Her vehemence turned her face red. "What's worse is that he used her to get to you. Please extend my deepest regrets to her, and if there's anything I can do for her, all she has to do is ask."

I raised my hands to slow her tirade. I wasn't used to seeing Penny so quick to anger. It was justified, but I had to wonder why her emotions were so close to the surface now.

As if she could sense my question, she said, "I'm sorry to get so heated. I-I know it's not exactly ‘ladylike' of me." She glanced away. "I couldn't stop Connor doing what he did to you, and it's been so much more difficult to keep my temper in check. I've spent my entire life looking at the world and at high-wolf society with blinders on, just disregarding all the ways they fall short.

"It wasn't until I saw how everyone turned their back on you that I realized how fake it all was. I realized exactly how little power I have. I couldn't protect you, and beyond the fact that I'm the alpha's daughter, I can't protect myself, either. I didn't want to stand with them, but I couldn't publicly go against them. I can only imagine what you must have thought about me all these years." She trailed off.

It was amazing to hear her say all of these things. It had never occurred to me that things would be hard for Penny in the wake of my rejection. It never occurred to me that she would feel so guilty.

"Look at me." She sniffled. "Acting like my life was so hard when you were the one forced to survive on your own. I'm sorry I'm just going on and on about this."

"No, don't apologize," I said, taking her hands. "It's honestly so cathartic to hear you talk about high-wolf society like this. I had no idea it was weighing on you so much."

She let go of one of my hands to daintily dab at her tears with the sleeve of her dress. "I wish we'd been able to stay in touch," she said. "I needed my best friend. I still do."

I squeezed her hand, moved by her admission. "Me, too. I'll let Eleanor know what you said."

"Thank you. I'm sorry I keep interrupting you. Tell me what he said when you confronted him."

"He told me you had overheard a joke."

She scoffed bitterly. "Some joke. When I heard him talking to Randall, he was the only one laughing."

"I'm not surprised." Randall didn't seem the type to laugh at much, if he was even capable of laughing at all. That man was as difficult to read as a brick wall.

Penny glanced at her watch and cursed. "Well, I'm officially late. I'm sorry I have to cut this short."

"Don't worry about it," I said. I put on a brave face, but it hurt my heart that this might be the last time she and I spoke. I didn't have time to tell her about Asher or about my wolf or anything.

"Tell Theodora I said hello when you see her," I said as she turned to the door.

She stopped and turned to stare at me. "How do you know Theo?"

As quickly as I could, I explained that we'd met at the market and that I'd had dinner with her family.

"That's the gist of it," I said, "I'm sure she'll be able to fill in some of the gaps."

"She didn't tell me she'd met you."

"Don't be upset. I didn't want her to."

"Oh." She paused, and I could kick myself for making this so awkward. "I guess I understand that."

"A-anyway, I don't want to keep you much longer. I have business in the manor."

"Hopefully, you'll be able to tell me about it soon," she said. "I desperately want to catch up."

"Me, too." I felt the tears building again. "There's so much I want to tell you, Penny."

Her answering smile was mired with sadness. "We'll get that opportunity, I'm sure of it."

While she went to meet her potential mate, I headed to the library. But, once again, I was stopped, this time by Connor's servants. They insisted I had to see Connor, and I was too exhausted to put up a fight as they ushered me away.

Connor was among the last people I wanted to see. I knew I would have to meet him between now and his ascension if I planned to accept his offer, but I'd hoped I would be able to get in, grab the book, and get out before anyone suspected anything. I should have known the gods wouldn't be lenient with me.

The servants dropped me off in front of his door and knocked to let him know I had arrived. They left quickly. Connor opened the door a few moments later, smirking his usual smirk as he stepped aside to let me in.

"I'm glad you're finally here," he said. "This is one of the last times we'll be meeting in this room. When I ascend, I'll take my father's side of the manor."

"Mm-hm," I replied, hardly listening. "You must be so excited."

His smirk became a grin. "I am, but I'm even more excited to have you back here. Remember all the good times we had here?"

"Sure—"

He interrupted me. "We used to remove the rocks in the wall near the servants' quarters and sneak out through that old den tunnel. Of course, that was before my grandfather decreed that high-wolf society be gated off from Den City."

"I remember that," I said. "And I remember that you used to pitch a fit when I didn't want to sneak out with you. I didn't have a choice."

I'd meant it to be a critique, but he chuckled. "Yeah, I was such a moody kid. Aren't you glad I've grown out of that now?"

I decided it was best to stay quiet lest I said too much. I could let him remember his skewed version of the past, but I didn't want to reminisce with him. Connor had mentioned the old den tunnel, and that made me think about Asher. It would have been a good way for him to sneak inside.

Gods, I wished I hadn't thought about Asher. I was hit with a burst of tingling excitement, followed immediately by crushing heartbreak. I had been so good all day, throwing myself into my work, but now I just wanted to fall apart.

Connor stopped laughing when he heard me sniffle.

"I'm sorry," I said, "I don't really feel like going through the past right now. I came here to tell you that I'm planning on taking you up on your offer. I'll be a librarian."

When I looked at him, he avoided my gaze. My emotions were making him uncomfortable.

"Right." He cleared his throat. "Well, you can start working tomorrow if you want. I'm sure you know that you will be staying in the manor."

I nodded. It hadn't occurred to me that he would want me to move in, but most of the servants stayed in the manor.

"I'm sure there's a room somewhere in this mansion that will suit you."

"I don't care where I stay," I said, catching a stray tear with the end of my scarf. "I don't mind staying with the other servants."

"No. You'll have your own room."

My eyebrows raised at his decisive refusal. I wouldn't be any different from his other servants. I'm sure he knew living among them would still be an upgrade from my current situation, so why was he giving me special treatment? There were only two explanations I could think of: he wanted to have sex with me, or he wanted to use me. Neither of which made sense to me because for one, he had the pick of the entire Wilcox pack for a mate, and for another, I couldn't see how I could be very beneficial to him.

It sounded suspicious, but before I could ask him to explain himself, he started walking slowly toward me. I watched him warily. My wolf seethed. If he tried anything, I wasn't sure I could control her.

"I wish I knew what to say to stop your tears," he said, resting his hand on my shoulder. My wolf wanted me to snap at him, but I didn't let my distaste for his touch show on my face. "And I wish things were different between us. If they were, I'd make sure nothing made you cry like this again."

I opened my mouth and then closed it. In only a few sentences, he had managed to stun me into an uneasy silence. Connor was at his least trustworthy when he acted in ways I didn't expect, and though I didn't sense a lie in his words, they didn't make sense to me.

"You remind me of your father right now," I told him. When he wasn't smirking, he looked just like Edgar.

He winced and removed his hand. "I am not my father, but I'll take it as a compliment." He turned from me and walked to his window. "That was all I needed to speak to you about. I'll have my men grab the things you need from your den."

"No, thank you. I can get the things I need at some point soon." And then, because I knew he wouldn't appreciate an outright refusal of his help, I added, "But I would like it if you informed my employers that I won't be working for them anymore."

He nodded. "Of course. Head to the library and have one of the staff prep those letters."

"I will."

With the conversation finally over, I walked out of his room and closed the door behind me. A few steps away from his door, I heaved out a sigh. This was only for a few days, just until Wednesday, the day of the ascension.

I spoke to library staff, and they promised they would have the letters sent by the end of the day. After thanking them, I found the book I needed. Holding it to my chest, I walked out of the alpha manor and licked the fated mark. Now that I had the book, this would be one of the last times I would contact Asher. I wished I could feel some comfort about that, but the thought only made my wolf whine and my heart ache.