Chapter 12

Chapter Twelve Scar

My head swims.Confusion and darkness fill me as pain and pleasure battle for dominance.

Shadows hover around me. One moment causing indescribable pain, only to be replaced with soothing caresses the next.

Fear wars with a sense of safety. Feeling like I’m home, where I belong, only to have it ripped away and dropped in hell. Sensations and memories keep me locked in place as my mind battles to sort out what’s real and what’s not.

The smell of vodka fills my nose and I gag, fear winning and washing out the comfort. No, no, no. I know what happens next and I don’t want it. The pain. The shame. The blood.

My stomach turns and I’m going to be sick. I squeeze my eyes tighter but it doesn’t make the smell go away. Nothing could make that wretched scent disappear. It fills me, suffocates me, drowns out everything else. A warning of what’s to come.

Harsh words whispered in my ear but I can’t grasp them. I shake my head and it muddles my thoughts even more. Pain ricochets through me, rattling my thoughts and making the dark even darker.

More words.

No, no, no.

I don’t want what comes next.

I struggle, fight with everything I have but my body stays locked in place. I only sink deeper into the abyss. My fear skyrockets, tears burning my eyes and my skin itches.

“Let us take control.”

I freeze. That should scare me. Giving up control is my worst nightmare. I need control. Need it like I need to breathe, like I need to fight. I can’t give up control, not when the monsters already stole it from me.

So why did those words wash some of the fear away?

More words but I can’t hear them. They’re so close, like I should be able to reach up and grab them. Hold them in my hands and keep them with me. Why can’t I?

They’re just out of reach. Floating somewhere above me but unable to reach me.

My scalp burns as my head is jerked to the side. My eyes fly open but all I can see are shadows. They hover over me, evil grins flashing against the dark figures.

“I like you bleeding and whimpering,” he says darkly and I can smell the vodka on his breath. That’s when I feel the knife he’s holding against my hip bone. The steel digs into my skin as he drags it across my exposed midriff. More blood trickles down my body, soaking into my white cheer skirt.

Another dark and distorted voice echoes in my head. “She’s so pretty when she bleeds.”

A third shadow hums his agreement. “Such pretty designs on her smooth, creamy skin.”

My heart races, my body tenses, and my stomach drops. How could this happen?

I beg and plead for the pain to stop. For them to stop. The coppery tang of blood fills the air but none of it deters them. Fingers creep closer and closer. No one has ever touched me there before but somehow I already know how painful it will be. Echoes of a past hurt I can’t comprehend making my fear spike to new levels.

My throat burns as a scream builds. One I know will be torn from my very soul. As if I’ve already read this scene and know how it will play out. I prepare for the worst.

Only it doesn’t come.

The slimy tongue on my ear is replaced with reverent kisses. The soreness between my legs gives way to a new and unfamiliar pleasure. A fluttering of desire.

No. I don’t want the monsters to feel good.

I force my eyes open but the shadows have diminished, nothing but empty darkness surrounds me.

Warmth pulses through me and I sink into it. No more whispers of evil desires stoke my fear into a blazing wrath. Instead a comforting hum fills my ear.

Baby girl.

Safety. I move toward the warmth. Seeking out the security I know will come with it.

Letty.

I’d recognize that deep growl anywhere.

“Kade.”

My throat aches and my lips sting as I push the words out. My mind slowly clears as the darkness turns to fog around me.

Heat rushes through me and fear turns to desire. Needy, hot, pulsing desire.

“There’s my baby girl,” a calm, steady voice soothes the chaos and tumultuous emotions. “My strong baby girl.”

I moan as my body reacts to the voice before I can even comprehend it. The scene shifts again. No more shadows. No more fog. Home.

“Our needy girl.”

My mouth parts as a gasp spills free, my thighs tightening and my hips thrusting, chasing the sweet sensations.

“Noah,” I moan, my head finally clear. My hands fist the sheets at my side and my back arches as my entire body radiates with desire.

“It’s me, baby girl.” He plucks my nipples between his fingers. More sensations burst through my core and I cry out.

Noah chuckles against my chest. “Me and Kade. We’ve got you, baby girl. Open those gorgeous eyes for us and let go.”

As if his words were a magic spell, my body follows his commands. My eyes fly open to find myself in Noah’s arms, leaning against his chest, his legs braced on either side of me, keeping me cocooned in his warmth.

Both of his large hands span across my chest. I can feel his smile against my neck as he teases my tight nipples as I watch. Sleep quickly clears from my mind as my eyes travel lower to find Kade between my thighs, his face buried against me.

“You heard him, Ladybug. Let go.” The relief in his grin is brief enough that I barely catch it and can’t begin to comprehend it before he dives back in, burying his face between my legs and attacking my clit with a vengeance.

My body shakes as the orgasm is torn from me without warning. A scream rips through the air, but unlike the ones from my nightmares, it burns in the best way.

Kade doesn’t stop, even as waves of pleasure crash over me. His tongue continues to stroke me, lapping up my desire as it pools in my center.

“Fuck, you’ve never tasted sweeter.”

My chuckle tapers off as I yawn. I shake my head. “Good morning to you guys too.” My body still buzzes with pent up desire, feeling like a live wire ready to detonate under their command.

Noah hums behind me, pressing kisses down my neck and shoulder. “I think Kade is still hungry, baby girl.”

He lifts his head and gives me his signature dopey grin, full of hunger. “Starved actually.”

Somehow both of them feel lighter than they did just moments before. The relief in Kade’s expression tickles my brain but I’m not quite awake enough to make sense of it.

Noah lifts me in his arms and I begin to protest. I don’t want to wake up yet. I want to stay in bed with my two troublemakers.

But rather than moving me off of him, he lifts me straight up and spreads my legs in the air.

It doesn’t take long to understand once I see Kade take Noah’s hard length in his hand. Oh fuck. He holds Noah steady as Noah lowers me back down. Kade uses his length to tease me, pulling it through my slick slit until it bumps against my clit and back again.

My moan mixes with Noah’s as I feel him buck his hips, seeking me out. Kade laughs darkly, pulling Noah’s erection through my heat again.

“Kade,” Noah groans and I shudder at the sound.

“Okay, okay,” he relents, guiding Noah to my entrance. Noah lowers me the rest of the way down and I sink onto his length. Kade frees his hand and settles back down, pressing his face to my cunt again.

“Your pussy looks so pretty taking his cock, Letty,” he whispers, the sound just barely brushing against me, causing me to clench around Noah.

He groans from behind me. “She liked that.”

Kade blows a soft breath over my cunt and I clench again. “I know what she will like even more.” He takes my legs out of Noah’s arms and settles them over his shoulders. Putting his hands on my ass he keeps me suspended in the air, giving Noah the space to begin thrusting in and out of me in a slow, torturous dance while locking me firmly against his mouth.

Oh fuck. I already know I have no chance of lasting long with the way they’re working my body.

All thoughts flee my mind, the nightmares and pain all but forgotten as I get lost in their touch.

Kade’s tongue doesn’t leave an inch of my cunt untouched, making it impossible to string together a cohesive thought. He laps at my clit before trailing down my slit. A string of incomprehensible words fall from my mouth and he chuckles against me. The vibrations shoot through me and I clench around Noah who moans my name as he thrusts into me faster.

I can feel my body growing tighter as I climb higher and higher, closer to that peak only my men have ever been able to get me to. So much more intense than any orgasm before them.

Like a man on a mission, Kade becomes even more aggressive in pushing me there. His tongue trails down my slit to my entrance. My whole body short circuits as he slides his tongue inside me alongside Noah’s dick. I feel his length twitch inside me and Noah moans Kade’s name. The husky, broken sound pushing me over the edge as I shatter around both of them.

Noah grips me tighter as his thrusts become erratic, chasing his own release. Kade withdraws from us, drawing up on his knees. I watch in blissed-out awe as he begins to rapidly stroke himself from his position above us.

Just when I thought I wouldn’t be able to come again, I feel another orgasm building as Noah adjusts his position and hits me in a whole new way.

I gasp and his arm bands around my chest, holding me tightly to him as he rocks in and out of me.

“Oh fuck, baby girl. You feel so good,” he moans, his lips pressed against my skin and a string of curses escapes me as the waves begin to build.

Kade moans above me and I watch in fascination as he strokes himself faster, twisting his hand over the head of his cock. The sound of my name on his lips makes me clench harder and I feel Noah thicken inside me as his dick pulses. Hot ropes of come land on my exposed cunt as Kade strokes himself to release at the same time I feel Noah’s release inside me.

I break all over again, an intense orgasm wracking through my body so hard my vision blacks out for a moment.

When I come to, Kade and Noah are both breathing as heavy as they hold me closely between the two of them, their arms thrown over me and resting on each other.

A surprised giggle bursts out of me, shocking me even more because I am not one to giggle. Ever. Yet I definitely just did.

Kade arches a brow at me, his look of surprise matching my own. I lick my lips, trying not to be afraid of the giddiness running through me.

“Every time we do this,” I start explaining what made me giggle in the first place. “You both seem a little less straight each time.”

They both chuckle with me, squeezing me tighter. I’m fairly positive they’ve had conversations about the lines in their relationship that have been crossed, but I’ve never talked about it with them.

“I like controlling your pleasure,” Noah admits as if I wasn’t already aware. I snort in response and he lightly taps my ass. “But I like controlling theirs almost as much.” He shrugs before continuing, “Sexuality is a sliding scale and how much I love sharing you goes beyond just liking to make you happy. It turns me on to have the other guys here. To see them with you. To work with them. I’ll admit, I was curious when it first started, but I’ve realized my interest doesn’t extend past you being involved.”

Kade yawns but I catch his nod. “I was curious for a while too. I’d never been with a guy before but I started thinking about it after I realized how it turned me on to watch you being fucked. Then we had little moments, Ryder’s tongue hitting my dick, Noah using me to get you off.” His hand lands in my hair and he starts to massage my scalp as his eyes drift shut. “I even watched some gay porn and read some romance novels. Some of it was hot but every time I closed my eyes and tried to create a fantasy, you were always there. You’re the only one I can imagine having sex with. The only one I want.”

I hum and stroke my hand over Kade’s chest. I’m almost surprised I don’t feel any jealousy or apprehension at anything they’ve said. Not even hearing about Noah’s past hookups.

“You know,” I murmur softly, “if you guys wanted to explore, I wouldn’t be mad.” I don’t want to hold them back from pieces of themselves. Knowing they love each other, even if not the same way they love me, only makes me feel more secure in our family. The idea of their love growing into something more doesn’t evoke insecurity but rather the opposite. “I love you both and want you to be happy.”

Kade grins and his eyes flutter open as he leans to press a kiss against my forehead. Noah presses tighter against my back and kisses my shoulder.

“We love you too, baby girl, but we are happy the way things are.”

Kade nods. “Any exploring will be done with you in between us. I love Noah but the idea of fucking him doesn’t turn me on.”

Noah laughs, his whole body shaking, making me smile. “Same,” he agrees. His voice drops lower to a husky whisper, “But the idea of fucking you together? Our dicks sliding against each other while you clench around us both?”

I shiver at his words, feeling more affected than I should after the three orgasms I just had.

“Now that, turns me on.”

Kade growls his agreement, moving closer to me before yawning again. I laugh as Noah immediately yawns too.

I sink into their warmth and close my eyes letting the sated peace wash through me. I trace designs on Kade’s chest with one hand, holding Noah’s hand with the other until I hear both of their breathing drop into the deep cadence of sleep. I smile as I let myself follow after them, knowing no nightmares will haunt me this time.

* * *

Days passedat an obnoxiously slow crawl. Each one dragging on into the next as we combed through Donahue’s records.

They were creepy, to say the least. The effort he had put into finding me has brought the nightmares back full force. Each night they follow me into my dreams to relive the worst moments of my life.

Small details continue to come back to me in flashes. Nothing concrete enough to give us a new lead. Just enough to make me feel as if I’m living that torment all over again.

The guys have all refused to leave me alone since the night Noah and Kade used sex to pull me out of the arms of my demons. I fall asleep every night with a body on either side of me. They rotate each day depending on what else needs to be done. I’m not even sure what is occupying so much of their time anymore. It seems like each one of them always has something to be doing. Their schedules are far too coordinated to not have been planned together. But I can’t bring myself to ask questions.

I can feel how close we are getting to the answers that really matter. But each day that passes, claws of my past dig deeper into my psyche. The level of obsession apparent from the files is enough to turn anyone’s stomach. All of the guys have been on edge. Each one handles it in their own way. But somehow we’ve managed a tentative sort of peace as we wait for the next steps of our plot to formulate.

Waiting is always the hardest part of any plan. I hate feeling useless but after days of seeing firsthand how deep Donahue’s obsession ran and realizing just how far back it started, I can’t bring myself to go into the office.

My fingers tap out an erratic pattern against the counter and I take another sip of my coffee. Who knew I’d ever become so adept at delegating I would have nothing to do?

Noah could always use my help, but the idea of going into the office sickens me. I can’t do it today. Not when the heavy scent of smoke still lines my nose from my latest nightmare.

Everything is too close to the surface to have to face the evidence of that night.

My hands shake and I chug the rest of my coffee before turning to the fridge in search of the gallon of iced espresso one of the guys always keeps stocked for me.

Large hands wrap around my waist and lift me up, pulling me away from the fridge and setting me on the counter.

“Do I need to cut you off, pretty girl?” Declan asks, eyeing my twitching fingers knowingly.

I narrow my eyes. “Why on earth would you resort to such inhumane treatment?”

He scoffs, “Because I’m pretty sure you have more caffeine than blood in your body right now.”

I roll my eyes and mutter, “It was too early for whiskey.”

He gives me an indulgent smile, but I can see the apprehension he’s trying so hard to hide. I sigh, knowing they’re all worried about me. Even I’m starting to worry about me. The nightmares have never been this intense and persistent. Not since that first year after everything happened.

New memories of Charles’ dad have been rising to the surface in my dreams as well. Little forgotten moments that once seemed innocent now jaded with the truth of his twisted desires.

“Do you need me to stay?”

I groan, dropping my head to his shoulder. His hands stroke up and down my back and he kisses the top of my head. “I’m okay,” I promise him. Surprisingly enough, it’s not a complete lie. After Tyler volunteered to take on the role of Josie’s bodyguard, I was able to breathe again.

Knowing Donahue had eyes on her had made it almost impossible to breathe. It was why I needed to take the medication to sleep, though that only made the nightmares much worse. At least we learned that lesson.

Josie has her own bodyguards. Logically, I know she’s probably safe, we’ve always had measures in place to take care of her. It was impossible to bury her connection to my old self, even if our friendship was often overlooked. Knowing she was at risk and seeing the evidence of how close that danger lies are two very different things. I wasn’t going to be satisfied she was safe until one of my guys was at her side. Someone I trained and trusted to be a machine. To be as good as me since I couldn’t be there.

Tyler has been with us for a long time and has been training nonstop for the last year. The same way I trusted Ian to have Jade’s back, I knew I could count on Ty to have Josie’s. I’ve never felt such sweet relief as I did when he volunteered for the job.

Declan studies me carefully. “I can stay home,” he offers again. Though I can tell he’s not as worried.

“Won’t invite me with you?” I tease, already knowing the answer. They’ve all been sneaking around, throwing heavy looks at one another when they think I’m not paying attention.

I’ll let them have their secrets for now. It’s all very reminiscent of when they came home with Blu out of nowhere. If it’s another pet, Charlene may just throttle them. It sounds like their mess to figure out.

I start to pour myself another glass of coffee and Declan grabs it out of my hands. “I have to meet Ryder, and I think I’ll be taking this with me. Eat some real food.”

I scoff as he backs out of the kitchen with a smirk and wink. What a dick. He didn’t even attempt to answer me. I move back to the fridge and grab stuff to make lunch for everyone. At least I can feel productive.

The sound of footsteps makes tension creep up my spine. They aren’t immediately recognizable to me which leaves only one person in the house that they could possibly belong to. Charles.

“Can I help with anything?”

I turn to find him standing uncertainly in the doorway, his hands in his pockets as if he doesn’t know what to do with them. I bite my lip as I consider him. We haven’t talked since I overheard their argument the other day. I’m not even sure if he knows I heard most of it.

Slowly nodding, I gesture to the fridge. “You can make a salad. Don’t add carrots or Kade may actually kill you.”

He gives me a brief smile, one I find surprisingly easy to return. The years of resentment and hurt didn’t wash away with his admissions. Old wounds can’t heal that quickly, and they may never fully recover. Whether his guilt was real or not, my pain and suffering was. I still lost my best friend. Still felt utterly alone and helpless. Abandoned.

Even with the tumultuous emotions gnawing at my stomach that have been present since I first laid eyes on him again, new ones of relief and hope are beginning to bloom. To overshadow the darkness that haunted our pasts. Maybe the guys were right, and I was always ready to mend this one bridge. To have a flicker of light that once shined so brightly inside of me return, even if it’s only a modicum of what it once was.

Being the light sounds nice until you realize all that it hides in the shadows.

The silence weighs heavily on the room. Nothing but the sounds of his knife chopping vegetables and the low simmer of the sauce on the stove to accompany my rapidly beating heart. Neither one of us sure how to start the conversation that obviously needs to happen.

I can practically hear Declan screaming in my ear about talking about my feelings in order to move on from them. The thing is, I may be able to be vulnerable with my men, but some things will never change.

No part of me wants to have a heart-to-heart with my childhood best friend. Not right now. I’d rather just move on, deal with my emotions on my own. It’s not like we can ever go back to the innocent teens that once clung to each other. He’s no longer my only light shrouded by darkness. No longer my safety net.

“I feel like I owe you a lot of explanations.” He breaks the silence, never slowing in the task I gave him.

I keep my back to him as I stir the sauce and eye the water, waiting for it to boil. “You don’t.” There’s no need to turn around to see his expression to know he’s confused. “I heard your conversation with the guys.”

His knife slows, the crunch of the lettuce stopping. I flinch and refocus on my own tasks, refusing to turn in his direction. The sounds resume as he starts once again.

“So you know I never wanted to abandon you.” He sounds much older than our 26 years. All the trauma will do that.

“I know.” And I do. I don’t doubt the story he’s telling. Everything I ever had questions about clicked into place with every word out of his mouth. “I know you’re the one who pulled me from the fire too.”

He clears his throat before asking, “You didn’t remember?”

Feeling his eyes on me, I shake my head. “My head was fucked up for a long time. None of my memories are quite right.”

Silence descends again as my water begins to boil. I take my time, pouring the pasta in. It isn’t until I’m done he finally speaks again. “I’m sorry I couldn’t do more.” Emotion makes his voice hoarse and my eyes sting with moisture. Not for myself, but for the kids we once were.

I shake the melancholy off. “You did enough.” He kept me alive long enough to get out. To escape so I could one day come back and get my revenge. “You’re doing even more now.” Everything he brought Noah is going to be exactly what we need to finish this.

“You deserve revenge.” The emotion is no longer clogging his throat. Something almost like amusement has replaced it.

“Seems like you do too.” My own voice holds a note of teasing in it. A place I’m far more comfortable in. “Not many people I know ask for their father’s head as a reward for their help.”

He chuckles and the sound pulls a small smile from me. “No? That surprises me.”

A shocked laugh eddies up out of me. “You’re probably right. More than a couple of us here have daddy issues.”

“At least yours is dead.”

I snort in response. “Don’t worry. Yours will be soon.”

He laughs and a more comfortable silence fills the room as we both get lost in our own thoughts.

I take the pasta off the stove and drain it before returning back to the stove to pour the sauce over it.

“You know,” he starts before hesitating, “I really missed you, but I’d never been so relieved as I was when you disappeared. I dreamed up this whole life for you away from Eastvale.”

I finally turn to stare at his face, a soft smile graces his lips as his blue eyes get a faraway look. It’s an expression I remember from our childhood. Charles always was the dreamer between us two.

“Yeah? Did you get close to picturing the truth?”

He throws his head back in laughter. “Not even close.”

My hip bumps against the counter as I rest my elbows on the island. “Really? I can’t imagine why not.”

He grins at me and shakes his head. This type of banter is familiar, soothing an ache I didn’t realize I still felt in my core. “Me either,” he hums. “The whole psycho assassin thing you’ve got going on really fits the vibe you had back in the day.”

He finishes the salad and pushes it to the side, matching my position on the opposite side of the island.

“So tell me all about this life you did see for me.”

His fingers dance against the counter. “Everyone knew you donated money to Josie’s foundation. Well, everyone back home.”

I shrug, we always knew people would put it together. We only needed it to be untraceable. We’ve accomplished that much.

“I always knew you’d never run to another elite circle. Even back then, before everything happened, you never wanted to become your mother.” I nod in agreement. I had my ticket out of shark-infested waters, I wasn’t about to waste it by diving into a pool of piranhas. I wanted to become the predator.

“A small but cozy flat in the middle of Paris. That’s where I envisioned you. Just enough money to stay comfortable without drawing attention. Luca and Kade disappeared around the same time you did. Though no one else noticed that bit. But I pictured you all together, finding your happiness. I had no idea what they would do but I always knew they’d keep you safe. And you would become a dance teacher. Surrounded by kids and love and laughter. Bringing them the same joy you always managed to create even on the darkest days.”

Tears shine in his eyes and one slips down my own cheek and I know we’re both thinking of the twins.

“I tried to save them,” he whispers, the cracks in both our hearts visible in that moment.

“Me too. I tried to save them too.” Another tear escapes, but I can’t even be mad. Crying for my sisters is something I’ll never stop doing. They deserve my grief, my tears, the piece of my soul they took with them.

He moves around the counter and hesitatingly pulls me into his arms. I don’t fight him, resting my head on his shoulder and wrapping my arms around his waist. He feels so different from when we were seventeen. Much taller and even more filled out than I had first realized. Yet as different as we both are, somehow the comfort I find in his arms is still the same. A small piece of home.

We stay locked together for several seconds, both of us mourning the little girls who deserved so much more than what we could give them. A peace settles over me at being with one of the only people in the world who knew and loved them like I did.

“Well fuck. Now I need a cigarette.” I pull away, wiping at my eyes and clearing my throat.

“You smoke now?” He clears his throat, wiping his own red rimmed eyes.

I arch a brow in his direction. “Is that really the most surprising thing you’ve learned about me?”