30- Sadie

"Sadie, you've been quiet since you arrived. What's on your mind?" Dr. Juanes sits at the table with her notepad and pen, watching me. I resumed my therapy sessions after the incident with Vince.

"Just thinking about ways to move on."

"Great. Let's start there. What ways do you feel will help you move past the hurt?"

I sigh. "Forgiveness."

"Forgiveness for what? For whom?" she asks as she scribbles in her notepad.

"Forgive my father for hurting this family. Forgive Christian for breaking me. Forgive me for blaming myself for Josiah's death."

"Why do you feel his death was your fault?"

"Sometimes I wondered had he stayed in jail, would Dad still be alive, or would we already be dead? If he never killed Dad, he wouldn't have run away, blaming himself for what happened."

I keep playing with the what-ifs in my head, wondering what we could've done differently. Then I realized these horrible events began because of our father. He set it in motion, and we failed to deter the danger.

"If Josiah was here, what would you tell him?"

"That it's not his fault. He did what he did to protect us and keep us safe."

It's a huge burden to carry when your father should be the one doing the protecting. I always felt guilty that Jo thought he needed to step up and be the man instead of being a normal kid. He was robbed of his childhood, and I wish that he'd had a better upbringing. Jo lived in violence, and he felt that's all he knew and how he was thought he was supposed to handle situations when things got tough. I would tell him he was an amazing brother and that I love him with all my heart. And that I would do anything to bring him back to us. A permanent hole in my heart will never be filled, but his memories will keep it from getting bigger.