Chapter 8

CHAPTER EIGHT

JAREK

“Will you show me how to do that?”

I glanced up, confused by the question. Bean sat on the edge of the kitchen counter while I poured two glasses of water. “Do what, honey?”

Bean’s cheeks went faintly pink, the flush spreading toward his ears. He ducked his head slightly and glanced away. “N-never mind. It’s silly.”

I set the water down beside him, then fitted myself between his legs and pressed my palms to the tops of his thighs. He was still mostly naked, apart from his boxers, and I slid my fingers under the hem, scratching along his rough, thick hair.

“I bet it’s not silly. I’ll show you anything. All you need to do is ask.”

He swallowed thickly, then met my gaze with a determination I was getting used to seeing on his face. He wasn’t like most of the men I’d dated. They were soft, and not in the deliciously pliant way Bean was. No, they were spoiled and pampered. And there wasn’t anything wrong with that, but there was something to be said about a man who had fought with his literal life to be where he was.

“The—” He hesitated, and it was then I knew what he wanted. But I needed him to ask for it. I needed him to push past whatever it was in his past that was holding him back.

Cradling his face with both hands, I ran my thumb over his lower lip. “The what?” He still said nothing, so I leaned in and let my lips graze over the edge of his jaw. “Come on, sweet thing. You can tell me. The one thing I will never do is embarrass you.”

His breath trembled on his exhale, but when I pulled back, his gaze was hard. “Sucking dick.”

If I wasn’t so hyperaware of how hard that was for him, I might have laughed. He said those two words like he was saying scale a mountain or swim the English Channel. I leaned forward, knocking our heads together. “There’s not a lot to it, but yeah. I can guide you if that’s what you want.”

“I want to be good at it,” he said.

I smiled and kissed him for that. He was so fucking sweet. “You will be. It’s always a little awkward at first. It doesn’t taste that great, and if you’ve got a sensitive gag reflex, it can be kind of hard. So to speak.”

He burst into a small fit of laughter. “Cute.”

I grinned at him as I pulled back, and then I carefully guided one of his hands to my chest. His fingers flexed over my sternum, and he sucked in a breath when I dragged his wrist lower. Lower. Right to where I was tenting my boxers. “There are ways to make it easier, though, if that happens.”

“I don’t know what kind of gag reflex I have,” he admitted, staring down to where his hand was nearly touching me. I released his wrist, letting him take the lead, and after a short beat of stillness, he dragged the heel of his palm over my cock. His breath trembled. “I never had trouble at the dentist. Is that a good indication?”

My smile widened. “It might be, yeah. Want to come find out?”

He looked up at me before reaching out with his other hand and feeling around for his water. His gaze never left mine as he took the whole thing down in three swallows. Must be an Army thing—a careful hurry, getting it all done before he ran out of time.

I traced my fingers down his throat with his last swallow, then moved back as he swiped the back of his hand over his mouth.

“Here?” he asked me.

“Bedroom might be easier. I want you to be comfortable.” I took his hands and helped him off the counter, leading him back to the bedroom. I could feel his nerves, his tension, but I knew he’d tell me if he needed to stop. “Let me get a pillow for your knees.”

“You didn’t use one,” he pointed out.

I shrugged as I sat on the edge of the bed. “Yeah, but I’m used to it.”

Bean gave me a look as he sank between my legs, still a few inches from where he needed to be. “You think I’m not used to discomfort?”

That was fair. I laughed as I reached for him, drawing him a few inches closer. “Yeah, sweet thing, but you’ve probably had enough discomfort to last a lifetime. You should let people spoil you.”

His mouth opened, then closed, then he licked his lips. “I’ll take a pillow.”

I grinned widely as I reached over and plucked one from the tangle at the head of the bed. He lifted just enough for me to get it beneath him and then sank down again with an audible sigh. “Better?”

“Mmm.” He ran his hands nervously over the tops of my thighs. “So do I just…?” He opened his mouth and leaned forward.

“Whoa, no. No.” Again, I tried not to laugh. His inexperience wasn’t funny, but his eagerness was endearing in ways I hadn’t expected. I cupped his jaw with one hand as I lifted up to shimmy my boxers down with the other. I got them to my ankles which was good enough, then sat back down.

His eyes went wide as they fixed on my cock. I was so hard. And while he’d touched me there before, this would be wildly different for him.

“What was your first time like?” he asked.

“ Oh , uh…” God, I hadn’t thought about that in years. “I was seventeen.It was the early nineties, so we were both in the closet—kind of a necessity at that time. The US was just getting through the AIDS epidemic, and only a few celebrities were brave enough to be out publicly. We were just a couple of high school kids, so we weren’t going to tell anyone about us.” I smiled sadly, shaking my head. “His name was Nick.”

Bean smiled. “I can picture you with a Nick.”

“Neither of us really liked each other, and we had no idea what we were doing. But it wasn’t like the school offered queer sex ed, and the internet wasn’t widely available at the time—not that there was a lot of queer info on there yet either.” I smiled softly at the memory. “It was a total disaster. He bit me twice, and I came at the first touch of his tongue.”

Bean laughed, shuffling a little farther between my legs. “Kind of like me?”

I dragged my fingers through his hair. “Honey, you definitely have more stamina than a confused teenager. You’ve been amazing at this so far.”

His cheeks flushed under the praise. “Nothing to write home about though.”

“Don’t belittle yourself.” I pressed my fingers to his lips. “Your journey isn’t a competition. I’ve had lovers who’ve been out since they were tweens, who have experimented since they were in their teens, and they didn’t make me feel half as good as I’ve felt with you.”

He swallowed heavily, then turned his gaze back to my cock. “How do I start?”

“Stroke me,” I said.

His hand was steady as he took my dick in a firm grip and moved it from root to tip. I fought back a groan as he did it again. And then again.

“Good. Now put your lips on me. Right below the head.”

“Like a kiss?”

My smile returned. “Yeah, gorgeous. Like a kiss.”

He licked his lips, then swayed forward, and his lips connected—a fast press at first, but he didn’t pull back all the way. He took a second, then let his mouth rest on my skin. He took a deep breath. “Smells like…you.”

I nodded. “Yeah. There’s nothing else like it.” Moving my hand carefully, I cupped his jaw. “Want to try a little more?”

“Yeah,” he breathed out.

“Lick me.”

His eyes went wide, pupils huge, but he stuck out his tongue and carefully touched the spot he’d been kissing. It was warm, wet, and fucking glorious. Fuck, if I wasn’t careful, I was going to shoot off like some horny adolescent barely in control of myself.

“Okay?” Bean asked.

I looked down at him and stroked his cheek. “Perfect. You want to try a little more?”

Bean nodded and pushed up higher on his knees. He gripped my cock with one hand tightly and angled it toward his mouth. “I want to suck you. How do I—how do I make it good?”

I ran my fingers over his mouth. “Tuck your lips over your teeth. Not too tightly,” I said when they turned white with his effort. “Don’t hurt yourself. Just like that, yeah. Now, take as much as you can. Don’t force it. Suck gently. Let yourself get used to the way it feels—the way it tastes.”

He let out a single breath, then positioned my dick in front of his lips and sank down. He only took a little, but that single inch was the best I’d ever felt. My eyes slammed shut and I gripped the sheets, forcing myself not to move. Maybe one day I’d have the pleasure of being able to fuck his face. Maybe I’d be able to hold his hair and guide him the way he’d done to me.

But even if this was all I ever got, I wouldn’t regret it.

He sucked gently, his tongue moving, exploring, tasting. He took a little more. Then a little more. And then he gagged and pulled off.

“Easy,” I said quickly. I stroked through his hair. “It’s okay.”

“Sorry. It’s just…different.”

“Bad different?” I couldn’t help but ask.

He met my gaze when he shook his head. “Unexpected different. I don’t hate it. It’s… hmm .” He closed his eyes and leaned forward, suckling at my dripping slit. My body shuddered with the need to move, but I remained rooted where I was. “I used to think about this. When I was alone,” he added. “I’d fantasize about what it would be like. I was so…I was so scared.”

I cupped his jaw and waited for him to look back at me. “Of what, sweet thing?”

“Of anyone finding out.Of liking it too much and going to hell because it meant I really did like boys.”

Oh . “Oh. I see.”

He flushed with embarrassment. “Silly, I know.”

“It isn’t. It’s not silly at all. I understand.” I pulled him up toward me, and when I felt no tension in his body, I kissed him long and slow. “I know how hard it is to overcome faith that’s been twisted into something ugly and judgmental. And I know what it’s like to come to terms with the fact that important facets of what you once believed no longer align with who you are. And if we’re moving too fast?—”

“We’re not. I want this. I want to make you come.”

I eased my grip on him, and he sank back down. “Then make me come.”

He sucked in a breath, then gripped my cock again, and this time he sank down halfway before he had to stop. He didn’t pull off, breathing heavily through his nose, and he rolled his tongue along my shaft.

“Fuck,” I gasped. Once again, I was close. “Just like that. Use your hand at the bottom like…yeah. Perfect,” I moaned as he began to stroke me. I could feel when his hand hit his chin, and he began to suck a little harder, move his head a little faster.

Ah, my sweet little virgin was a fast learner.

“I’m close,” I warned when I felt the familiar heat begin to rush through me. My balls tightened and my cock twitched, sending a small burst of precum into his mouth. He swallowed it down. “It might be best if you pull off this first time.”

He did. He looked at me with reddened eyes and puffy lips. “Come on me.”

I shuddered and had to breathe through the urge to spill right there. “Are you sure?”

He tilted his head to the side, exposing his throat, and without another word, he began to jack me hard and fast. I had no time to breathe, no time to prepare. My orgasm raced through me like white-hot fire, and within seconds, I was spilling hot ropes all over his skin.

He groaned as the first spurt hit him, and he moved closer like he was trying to catch it. I could feel him trembling along with me, and when he let me go, I gathered him into my arms and fell back on the bed.

He was perfect. God, why did he have to come into my life now, when I was such a mess? When I was so unprepared and unsure how to fall for someone?

“Was it?—”

“It was amazing,” I told him.

He was quiet for a beat. “But if you could have me improve one thing?”

I burst into laughter, rolling him onto his back and pinning him there with my body. Reaching to the side table, I pawed around for the wet wipes and found them, pulling out two so I could clean him up. I finished up by kissing him with long, lush strokes of my tongue. “No notes,” I said when I pulled back.

His eyes narrowed. “I can take criticism.”

“I know you can, but I’m being serious. I haven’t come that fast in a long time. You’re something else.”

“A good something?” he asked.

“The best something.”I kissed him one more time for good measure. “Do you want your little book?”

He grinned shyly. “Yeah. Do you mind? I really don’t want to forget any of this.”

I sat up and rummaged through his pile of clothes until I found his book and pen. Handing it off, I watched as he scribbled for a good, long while, then he peered up at me and chanced a tiny smile.

“Can I see you again?”

I took his hand and pressed my lips to his knuckles. “Honey, you can see me anytime you want.”

“And that’s not, you know, breaking rules or anything?”

“Fuck the rules,” I said, and he flushed the way he always did when I swore. “We make our own. And screw anyone who tries to tell you differently.”

“You seem happier.”

I tilted my head to the side and stared across the table at my brother. “Okay?”

“I just mean, you’re smiling more. Are you finally realizing how much better your life is without that spoiled walking handbag?”

“Don’t call him that,” I said mildly, but I knew what he meant. It wasn’t Gio’s gender presentation he was insulting. It was the fact that he made his entire personality designer obsession. “And yes. That pretty much sums it up.”

The truth was, it was more than just living without Gio. It was still a struggle to be in the rental, and I was still trying to find my footing at my new job, but my night with Bean had helped. We still had no strings, no promises, and no expectations. But there was something about him that settled me in ways I hadn’t expected.

It was treading dangerous ground, but I couldn’t bring myself to care.

“Okay, seriously, what’s going on?” Andrei demanded.

I pushed my salad away and folded my arms over my chest. “Nothing. It’s just…I don’t know…I feel like I’ve finally started learning how to live my life the way I want. Everything with Gio was some sort of compromise, and now I don’t have anyone to worry about except myself.”

Andrei scoffed. “If by compromise you mean doing everything he wanted because he’d throw a tantrum if you didn’t, then yeah. Sure. Compromise .”

He was right. Gio had made me believe that giving in to him every time was meeting in the middle, but deep down, I’d known it wasn’t. It was me being a doormat and letting him walk all over me. I was still struggling to come to terms with the fact that I’d let him open the marriage all those years back just to make him happy.

I’d allowed myself to be hurt, and he hadn’t cared how I felt because he’d gotten what he wanted.

That was the hardest part of the divorce, realizing how much of our relationship had been one-sided. Gil was selfish and cruel, and nothing would ever matter to him more than his own reflection.

“I’m glad things are better,” Andrei said, his tone kinder now. “I hated seeing you miserable.”

“I hated being miserable. I don’t love the fact that I had to uproot my entire life to end one bad thing, but once the townhouse is done, I’ll feel more settled.”

“And the new job?”

I laughed and shrugged. “It’s nothing like corporate America, I’ll tell you that much. I’m struggling to feel like I belong there. Sometimes, I worry the job is something Ivy invented to keep me busy.”

Andrei rolled his eyes. “She wouldn’t do that. She’s not going to pay someone a salary to sit and look pretty. Even if it’s someone she loves.”

He was right on that account, though secretly, I had a feeling she’d pay him to sit around her office and look pretty. But that was a whole different thing, and my heart was too tender and raw to deal with someone else’s unrequited love.Or lust.Whatever it was between them.

“Anyway, I—” My words were cut off by my phone buzzing, and I glanced at the screen to see a preview of a text message from Bean.

Do you think…

“Who is it?” Andrei asked, waggling his brows.

“No one.” I swiped open the message.

Do you think we could meet again soon?

Let me check my work schedule and see what night works best for me. Want to text me your schedule?

Yeah. Thanks again for the lesson.

Any time, sweet thing. We’ll plan something soon.

I set my phone down and looked up at my brother who was grinning like the cat who got the cream. “Don’t,” I warned.

He folded his hands under his chin and his smile turned into a smirk. “I won’t. For now. But there’s a story here, and I want to hear it.”

There was a story here, but it wasn’t my place to tell. And I wasn’t sure there would be any kind of happily ever after when this was all through. It hurt in ways I wasn’t expecting, and I quickly shoved that aside. I’d gained too much freedom from my divorce to let something weigh me down again.

I was going to find balance, damn it. No matter what it took or what I had to do to get it.