Chapter 5

CHAPTER FIVE

BEAN

We were watching Dirty Dancing , and it was surprisingly fun. Patrick Swayze was an amazing dancer and, as a bonus, super hot, and the actress who played Baby was cute as a button. Their chemistry was undeniable, and I was engrossed.

It hadn’t been the plan. Once every other week, we did a group night on Friday or Saturday, depending on everyone’s schedule. Just the four of us, no outsiders, including Heath.

We were supposed to do a game night tonight, as it was Tameron’s turn to pick an activity, and he loved board games. But during dinner, we’d had a conversation—obviously, I couldn’t remember about what—and Tameron had quoted something from this movie. Something about being stuck in a corner?

I’d had no clue what he was referring to, as usual, courtesy of my upbringing, and Tameron had insisted we watch the movie instead. So here we were, watching the movie—with the captions Tameron needed—and I took notes of scenes I liked. I had a specific notebook for pop culture stuff, where I wrote down summaries of books I’d read, movies I’d seen, or music I’d listened to. Things that were completely normal for anyone else, but were still special to me.

Heck, I hadn’t even listened to anything other than worship music before I joined the Army. That had been an education, let me tell ya. Some of the guys had made fun of me, but others had taken pity on me and helped me discover all the different kinds of music. And over time, I developed a taste. I liked rock and blues, but pop, not so much. I loved U2 and Coldplay but wasn’t a fan of Michael Jackson, Madonna, or Lady Gaga. Whitney had the best voice of all time, though I loved Aretha Franklin too.

Most of that knowledge had stuck after my brain injury, but I hadn’t had a lot of opportunities to watch movies and TV series while on active duty, so I still had a lot of catching up to do there. I had a whole list of what the other guys had dubbed Culturally Relevant Movies and TV Series , and I was working my way through it one by one.

I probably wouldn’t be anywhere near done by the time I was old and gray, but whatever. It was fun, and it gave me something to do and a sense of accomplishment, which was a reward all in itself. Feeling accomplished wasn’t easy with a brain like mine, so I would take my dopamine hits where I could get them.

Funny enough, I seemed to remember movies and books better than events that happened in real life. Like, I could probably tell you two days from now what Dirty Dancing had been about, but I wouldn’t be able to tell you what I had for dinner. It made little sense to me. But then again, my brain had stopped making sense a long time ago.

“Pay attention, Bean,” Tameron said. “The scene everyone always mentions is coming up.”

I leaned forward, my eyes glued to the massive TV screen. Baby was sitting with her parents while her sister and some others sang some awfully cheesy song. Oh wait, there was Johnny. He was so hot in his leather jacket…

“Nobody puts Baby in a corner,” he said, and off they went onto the stage. What a perfect line.

Shucky darn, they were going to dance, weren’t they? Yup, cue the music. I watched, mesmerized, as they performed their dance routine. They looked amazing together. Oh, and now she didn’t giggle when he trailed his hand along the side of her breast. Progress. But would she be able to do the lift?

One slightly awkward group dance later, with Patrick leading the pack, and I had my answer. “Aw…” I sighed out loud as he lifted her high above his head. “That was perfect.”

As the credits started rolling, Tameron turned off the TV. “An absolute classic.”

“So the line about Baby in a corner, that’s the one, right?” Tameron nodded, and I made a note of that in my book. “Any other lines that are often quoted?”

Nash chuckled. “Personally, I like the ‘I carried a watermelon’ line because it’s so adorably awkward.”

“You mean like something I would say,” I joked.

Nash’s smile widened. “If the shoe fits…”

I shrugged. “Adorably awkward isn’t that bad of a label, so I’m good with that.”

“Dude, you don’t want girls to call you adorably awkward.” Tameron shuddered overdramatically. “That’s not gonna get you any.”

“Get me any what?”

“Sex. Girls don’t have sex with guys who are adorably awkward.”

“I don’t think that’s true.” Nash looked pensive. “They may not be the first obvious choice, but girls do like to date them. I mean, Hugh Grant’s whole movie career is based upon the archetype of the adorably awkward guy.”

“A what guy?” Tameron asked.

Nash turned his face so Tameron could see his lips better and repeated himself.

“Yeah, but he’s handsome,” Tameron protested.

I tapped Tameron’s shoulder for him to look at me, then crossed my arms. “Are you saying I’m not?”

Tameron sighed. “That’s not what I meant. And also, can I point out that I’m not the one to ask? It’s not exactly my area of expertise. You should ask our resident gay guy, First Sergeant Nash, here. Or our newfound bisexual expert, Creek.”

Creek snorted. “If you’re looking at me for opinions on which guys are hot, you’re shit out of luck. My list is short and contains only one name.”

“Me,” Nash deadpanned, and that had me in stitches.

“Who’d put your ugly old mug on their shortlist of hot guys?” Creek fired back.

“Your brother, that’s who,” Tameron said, and Creek and Nash froze. Tameron feigned innocence, looking all bright-eyed. “Was it something I said?”

“My brother?” Creek asked at the same time Nash muttered, “Fuck off, asshole.”

Oh, had he hit a nerve? Holy cannoli, Nash was blushing! I’d never seen that in all the years I’d known him. I wished I could remember if I’d met Creek’s brother. Something told me I had, but I couldn’t recall any of it. I’d have to look in my black book when I was back in my room.

Tameron seemed to sense he was treading on thin ice because he held up his hands. “I’ll back off now.”

“Can we get back on topic?” I asked after tapping Tameron’s shoulder again, willing to help Nash out by taking the attention off him. “I need an opinion on whether or not I’m handsome.”

Nash shot me a grateful look. “As the ‘resident gay guy,’ to quote Tameron, I can confirm that yes, you are. You’re not really my type, but you’re cute enough, and if you weren’t like an annoying little brother, I’d let you suck my cock.”

I almost choked on my own breath. Nash was usually not that forward, especially toward me, since he knew my background. But boy, did those words trigger a memory. I’d gotten a man off for the first time, and it had been amazing.

Funny how I couldn’t picture his face and had absolutely no clue of his name, no matter how hard I tried, but I had no trouble recalling how it had made me feel to bring him such pleasure. Man, I wanted to do it again, but I had no idea who he was or how to find him again. Kinda hard without a name.

When I looked up, Nash was studying me with a smirk, but he didn’t say anything.

Tameron, of course, had no such reservations. “Dude, he’s not even remotely interested in sucking your cock. The guy’s straight.”

Oh, now I understood. Nash had set me up to come out…if I wanted to. He’d given the assist, so to speak, and now all I had to do was score. And I wanted to. I wanted these men, who meant more to me than anyone ever had, to know the real me.

I took a deep breath. “I’m not, actually.”

Two heads sharply turned my way and a proud smile bloomed on Nash’s face.

“You’re not what?” Creek asked, frowning.

“Straight. I’m bisexual.”

Tameron grabbed my chin and turned my face toward him.“Say that again.”

I did.

Tameron’s mouth dropped open. “What. The. Fuck.”

Creek’s reaction, however, was hilarious. He looked almost panicked as he asked, “Did I do that? Did I make you bi?”

Nash damn near lost it, laughing so hard. His whole body shook and tears formed in his eyes. “It’s not contagious, you dipshit. What, you think that because you suddenly love dick, Bean would too?”

Creek laughed sheepishly. “Yeah? No? I dunno, man. I just thought… Fuck, I don’t know what I was thinking. But it’s not about me anyway. Congrats on coming out, Bean. Happy dick-hunting.”

That, too, was Creek. He had such a big heart underneath that gruff exterior, but you had to dig to see it. “Thanks.”

“So now I’m the minority as a straight guy?” Tameron sighed dramatically. “What does that even say about me?”

“That you have great taste in friends?” I offered.

“That maybe you’re not as straight as you think?” Creek suggested, and Tameron flipped him the bird.

“Or maybe that our little group is an accurate reflection of society as a whole. My theory is that most people aren’t wholly straight. They’re just unwilling or able to test it, let alone admit it,” Nash said.

I scratched my chin. “You really think that?”

“Yeah, but like I said, most people aren’t willing to even consider that option. But if you ask me, queer is the default, and one hundred percent straight is the exception.”

Fascinating. I’d never looked at it that way. “I’ve known I was bi for a while, but I wasn’t ready to acknowledge it,” I said softly.

“Which makes total sense considering your background,” Nash said. “Everyone walks that path at their own pace, as they should. No one should ever be forced to come out before they’re ready and willing.”

“I’m happy for you, Bean,” Tameron said. “Does that mean you’ll be experimenting with guys now?”

Which, of course, was the perfect segue into telling them about…whatever his name was, so I did. I told them everything. Well, everything that I remembered anyway.

“He was so sweet and attentive…”

Even I could hear how dreamy my voice sounded. Like a teenager waxing poetic about their first love. Which was nonsense, of course. It wasn’t like I had feelings for my mystery bear. Yup, that was what I had started calling him. Kinda hard to refer to him otherwise without knowing his name.

“Yeah, yeah, it was all perfect and sunshine, rainbows, and fucking unicorns. We know. You need to stop talking about sex,” Creek said with a sigh. “And them’s words I never thought I’d say.”

“You’re just jealous he got some,” Tameron teased. “What with your boyfriend being on a school trip and all.”

“Like I can’t survive for four days without him,” Creek said with a scowl.

Nash quirked an eyebrow in that impressive, almost intimidating manner of his. One eyebrow could be more scolding than a thousand words from anyone else. “Can you?” he said mildly. “Because I’m seeing Creek 1.0 again. The bitching, complaining version I thought we’d deleted and replaced with the improved Creek 2.0.”

Creek cringed a little. “I haven’t been that bad.”

“You have,” Tameron and I said at the same time.

Creek dragged a hand through his hair. “Fuck. Sorry. I didn’t mean to… It’s hard without him. It makes no sense because six months ago, I didn’t even know him, but I’ve gotten used to having him in my bed. And my life. My life, most of all, I meant.”

“Glad to see you have your priorities straight,” Nash said.

“You’re jealous ’cause I’m getting some,” Creek fired back.

Nash chuckled. “You think I’m not getting any sex? You’re funny.”

I frowned. What did he mean? “But we never see you with anyone. Like, you never bring someone home.”

Tameron bumped my shoulder. “Maybe you’re not the best person to point that out since you wouldn’t remember even if you had seen someone come out of Nash’s room, but I can confirm.”

Fair enough. “Good point, though, honestly, it might make enough of an impression that even my foggy brain would store that info.”

Nash shook his head. “You really think I’d be stupid enough to bring any hookups here? Hell no. First of all, this is our home, and I don’t bring strangers here, but more importantly, do I look like I’m that much of a masochist? Like you guys wouldn’t make my life hell if you ever saw someone sneaking out of my bedroom. Not that he’d have to sneak because I’m a grown-ass man who can damn well have sex with anyone he pleases, but you get the point. Just because I choose not to entertain you with tales of every guy I fuck doesn’t mean I’m not getting any. Except I’m mature enough not to brag about it.”

I blinked. Gee willikers, I’d never seen Nash that defensive. “That’s a lot of words when you could’ve just said yes or no.”

Nash opened his mouth, then closed it again. “What’s on your schedule for tomorrow?”

It was about the most blatant change of topic I’d ever seen from him, but I owed him, so I went with it. “I’m working from noon till eight and have to pick up a special grocery order on my way.”

“A full shift?” Nash frowned. “Isn’t that a bit much?”

“Jordan’s wife is being induced tomorrow, so he asked me to cover his shift. I could hardly say no when he’s been such a help the past two weeks.”

Jordan, a Navy veteran and the sweetest bad-ass biker you’d ever meet, had taken me under his wing, and he’d been amazing. Despite looking like he could kill you with one hand—though come to think of it, he probably could—he was a total softie who showed off pictures of his two girls. The third one would be born sometime in the next couple of days, and I would cover his shift even if it killed me. Figuratively speaking. I wasn’t quite that dedicated to the job.

“Make sure to eat regularly, okay? Set your alarm.”

I held up my phone, showing the alarms I’d already set. “Every three hours, and yes, taken care of.”

“Good. Anything else?”

I checked my little black book, which I had left in the bar. Luckily, someone had handed it to Zayd, who had recognized it as mine and kept it. Bless him because my whole life was in that book. My life and my sanity—what was left of it. “Nope, that’s it.”

“You gonna try to hook up again?” Tameron asked.

I shrugged. “Maybe. If I meet someone like last time, sure.”

“I can’t believe you didn’t get his number,” Creek said.

“You can’t believe it? Like you were hooking up left and right before you met Heath and have extensive expertise in this area?” I snapped. “I didn’t have my black book, asshole. I was panicking as it was. And how awkward would it have been to admit I’d forgotten his name?”

“Not as awkward as not remembering what he looks like,” Tameron said.

“I remember what he looks like. His body, anyway. He was a bear. A silver fox bear, confusing as that might sound. Just not his face. You know I struggle with facial recognition. And I’m sure I’d remember him if I saw him again. It’s not like I’d forget the first guy I ever…experimented with.” One look from Nash had me reconsidering my word choice. “Hooked up with. Exchanged incredibly erotic hand jobs with.”

Creek groaned. “And we’re back to talking about sex.”

“I don’t think we ever changed topics,” Nash said helpfully.

“If it’s any consolation, I’m not getting any either,” Tameron said.

“Shocker,” I mumbled, still a little miffed he’d been on my ass about not knowing what my mystery bear looked like. I could take teasing about my scrambled brain all day, but that one had hit a little too close to home, and it stung.

I got up from my chair. “I’m going to bed. I have a long day tomorrow.”

“Creek, you’re on cleanup duty,” Nash said. “Tameron, a word, please?”

Oops, someone was in trouble, probably for the remark he’d made to me. Nash rarely let that shit fly, though he was nice enough to give you the well-deserved dressing down in private. Oh well, hopefully, Tameron would learn. His mouth was always faster than his brain.

I still went to sleep with a smile on my face. I was taking steps to live authentically, and I was proud of that. My brain was still scrambled, but at least I was getting the rest of my life in order.