Chapter 4

CHAPTER FOUR

JAREK

I didn’t know how I’d gone from wallowing in the misery of being fired and divorced to getting my hands on one of the most adorable men I’d seen in a long time, but I was willing to reconsider my doubt about whether or not there was a God because…oh my god .

Merrill—Bean, as he liked to be called—was like putty in my hands. He melted at the first kiss, shuddered at the first touch, and groaned softly the moment my lips pressed against his skin.It was like somehow I was the best thing that had happened to him that night, and that went right to my head.And my dick.

He ran his fingers through my chest hair like he’d never touched a man before, and then I realized it was because he hadn’t. He had never been with a man before. It wasn’t my first experience with someone like him, but I hadn’t expected to find someone so inexperienced who was interested in hooking up with me at my age.

Bean trembled like a leaf as I backed him toward the bedroom door. We stopped beside the wall, and I touched his chin, making him look up at me. “Hi.”

He swallowed heavily. “Hey.”

“I know you said you wanted this, but I’m starting to wonder if maybe this is going too fast.”

He got a sudden, almost angry look in his eyes. “I’m not a child.”

“Hey, that’s not what I?—”

“I know what I want. I said what I want.”

I took a breath. It had been a while since I’d had to coach anyone through their first time. I touched his side and let out a sigh of relief when he arched into me instead of going tense. My fingers traced over black ink.

“Matthew 5:9…” My brows furrowed. It had been a long time since I’d been anywhere near church, swearing off the whole idea of religion when I was an angry teen watching the world blame gays like me for the crisis sweeping the nation. But something in it triggered an old memory. “ Blessed are…are… ”

“ The peacemakers ,” Bean said very softly. He was staring down at where my fingers were tracing the tattoo.

I cupped his cheek, urging him to look up at me. “Is that how you see yourself?”

“That’s how I try to be.”

He bit his lower lip and his brow furrowed as he studied my face. There was a novel written on his own, but I couldn’t understand the words yet—and it was likely I’d never get the chance. This was a one-time thing. I didn’t have room in my life for more.

“It was why I joined the Army. I didn’t know if I’d ever do anything good with my life, but then this recruiter came to my high school and just…made sense.”

I didn’t fully understand. My grandparents managed to escape the USSR just before my uncle was born, and the fear that was left in him made my father raise me without any sense of patriotism. But I could see in Bean’s face how much it meant to him.

“I know a lot of the country doesn’t get it, and a lot of people join the military without the best intentions, but I always figured I was fighting for peace. And it’s something I still hope for.”

God, he was so sweet. I was helpless against the need in his eyes. I leaned in, brushing my lips against his, coaxing his mouth open. I touched his tongue with my own and he sucked in a breath before surging into me. He was still trembling, but I had a feeling it was more with need than fear now.

I wrapped him tightly in one arm, my free hand fumbling for the door handle. I’d been in this rental for a while, but it was still unfamiliar, so it took me a minute to get him into the bedroom.

It was dark but tidy, nothing to trip over as I guided him to the bed. He stiffened again, and I stopped just before the backs of his knees met the mattress. “Hey, you still good?”

“Are you going to keep asking me that?” he bit out.

I shrugged. “Probably, yeah. I’m not trying to patronize you, sweetheart, but this is your first time, and I don’t want you to get in over your head.”

His jaw tensed. “I’m not.”

“I believe you. But I want to make sure you and I both understand that either of us can stop this at any time, okay? If it starts to be too much, say the word and it’s over.”

“I don’t want to stop.” His voice was low, pleading, and so fucking sweet.

I groaned, rocking into him. “I know you don’t. I know.” I urged him backward, his knees buckling when they hit the side of the bed, and he sat down hard enough that the air rushed from his lungs. “Just promise me you understand that you can,” I pleaded, wanting an answer before I let myself go to the lust rushing through me.

He swallowed heavily and met my gaze.“I understand.Thank you.”

I grinned as I dropped to my knees, but he made a slight noise of protest and touched my shoulder, and I froze. My hands had been going for his zipper, but I quickly pulled away.

“I don’t think…I’m not sure,” he amended carefully, “if I’m ready for all of it.”

“All of it?” I repeated.

Even in the dim light, I could see his cheeks darken. He glanced away for a second. “You know…um.The kind of sex two men have where one is…is…”He stopped again.

Part of me wanted to make him keep talking. I liked the way he looked when he was all flustered. But I knew I could fluster him in a much more fun way. Besides, I didn’t want to make any part of his first time miserable. I wanted him to look back on this and remember one of the best nights of his life.

Besides, I knew what he was trying to say.

“You don’t want to have penetrative sex tonight,” I said.

He choked a little, then cleared his throat. “Um. Yeah.”

I grinned and rose higher on my knees so we were nearly nose-to-nose. “I hadn’t really planned for that tonight anyway. But there are plenty of ways to have fun and feel really, really good without it.”

“Yeah?”

I pressed my hand to the tent pitched in his jeans and rubbed the heel of my palm along his erection. “Yes, Bean.Trust me.” He gasped at the friction, leaning forward, his forehead hitting my shoulder. His hips began to rock, almost like he had no control. God, he was addictive. Could I really only have this for one night? “Oh, darling, look at you,” I murmured, rubbing him harder.

He whimpered, then pushed me back with a sharp breath. “Stop. Wait.”

I snatched my hand back, but before I could stand and back away, he dug his fingers into my skin and didn’t let me go far. “Bean?”

He looked up at me. “Sorry. I was…was about to, um.You know.”

Ah. I hadn’t been there in years, but I still remembered the feeling of shooting off too quickly a little too well. “It’s okay.”

“It’s not.” He squared his shoulders. “I want to last more than five seconds.”

I wanted to tell him it didn’t matter. That we had all the time in the world. That this didn’t need to be over the moment he came. But I also didn’t know how long he planned to stay, and I wasn’t an expert at hookup culture. My only real experience was years back when I agreed to experiment with Gio and an open marriage.And that had been as much of a disaster as the rest of our marriage.So yeah, I was definitely a fish out of water here.

“Are you okay?” Bean asked, dragging me out of my thoughts.

I blinked and realized I’d drifted. “Yeah, sunshine. I’m good.”

He brightened, his eyes alight. Oh, he liked that. He really liked that. “Maybe,” he said slowly, “I should touch you first.”

I grinned at him and pulled back, letting my arms fall to my sides. I was almost hard enough to burst through my zipper, and my cock throbbed with my pulse at the thought of his bare hand touching me. “I think that’s the best idea you’ve had all night.”

“Even better than agreeing to come here?” Bean asked, shifting to the very edge of the bed.

I laughed quietly. “Well. Second best. Get my zipper down, sweetheart. Let me see how you feel with your fingers around my cock.”

Bean let out a soft groan, a single shudder running through him. He went for my zipper, his hands shaking a bit, and he fumbled before sliding it down and popping the button on my jeans. My cock pressed hard against my boxer briefs, and he tugged at the waistband until it slid below the curve of my ass, the front stretched across my thighs.

“Hairy,” he whispered.

“Yeah,” I said with another chuckle that quickly turned into a groan when he ran his short, blunt nails through the hair on my lower stomach. My cock jumped and Bean licked his lips. I wanted to feel his mouth on me, but I was pretty sure we wouldn’t get there tonight.

I felt something like anguish knowing I would be his first in this, but I wouldn’t be his first for everything. Someone else would have the honor of tasting him—of being tasted by him. Of gently lying him down, spreading him wide, and pushing inside him. And if he wanted, being filled and stretched by his dick.

But this would have to do. It would have to be enough. I couldn’t be as selfish as I wanted to be. I wouldn’t hurt a person the way Gio hurt me, and I didn’t trust myself right now to be anything other than an attentive man who made this night perfect.

“Finish undressing me,” I said when he continued to hesitate.

He laughed under his breath and shook his head even as he pulled my pants and boxer briefs all the way down, exposing my cock.

“You’re…” He hesitated and looked up at me. “You’re really beautiful.”

It had been years since anyone had called me that—decades, even. The last time I’d heard it, someone was just trying to get in my pants. But on Bean’s lips, the words were honest. I cupped his chin. “Thank you, sunshine. So are you.” I leaned in and took his mouth in another kiss as I guided his hand toward where I wanted to be touched.

He sucked air in sharply as his fingers curled around me, and my cock throbbed again. Precum pulsed from the tip, wetting his knuckles as he stroked from root to tip. His thumb rubbed around the head as I pushed my tongue into his mouth in the rhythm I so badly wanted to fuck him with, and he moaned as his grip tightened.

“Easy, baby,” I murmured. He started to pull away, so I closed my hand around his and showed him the way I liked it. Firm, but not enough to stop the blood flow. Quick, but not so quick I wouldn’t be teased.

Bean was an amazingly fast learner. And fuck, he was observant. I was looking down at where he was touching me, but I could feel his gaze on me. Studying me. Paying attention in a way no one ever had before.

He squeezed the tip when his hand came up, and then he loosened his grip just a little as he moved back down. His gaze was locked on mine. “You really like that,” he murmured. It wasn’t a question.

I swallowed heavily and spoke halfway between words and a groan. “Yeah. Yeah, I do.”

“What will it taste like?” His voice was nearly a whisper.“If I suck on it?”

I cupped his jaw again and ran my thumb over his lower lip. “Different from anything you’ve ever had in your mouth, but it’s probably not a good idea tonight.”

He let out a shuddering breath but nodded as his hand sped up. I moaned loudly and fucked my hips forward. “Oh. Oh…wow. Are you going to, um…?”

“Yeah, baby, I’m going to come.” My orgasm had crept up on me, hidden behind the tendrils of pleasure racing through my veins. The edges of my vision went white, and I felt the familiar heat rising. I couldn’t stop it. I didn’t want to stop it. “Faster. Harder.”

His hand made a slapping sound as he sped up, and he moaned along with me as my hips met his rhythm. And right before I spilled, he grabbed me by the back of the hair and kissed me again. Hot ropes spilled as his tongue licked over mine, and I groaned into the kiss as I leaned in, trapping him against the bed with my entire body while I kicked my jeans and boxer briefs off my ankles and to the floor.

I shuddered with the warm aftershocks, feeling my cock pulsing with my heartbeat. I thrust it along his stomach as I started to soften, kissing him slower and deeper. His body moved with mine like a dance in perfect sync.I pressed him into the mattress with my chest, and his leg curled itself around my hips.

His erection met my soft, bare cock and he fucked his hips forward with a chest-deep moan. “Feels good,” he gasped when he caught his breath.

I smiled at him. “Want to take your pants off?”

His hips lifted next so I could get his jeans and underwear down his ass and legs, and I tossed them to the floor beside my own. He lay beneath me now, entirely naked and gorgeous. He was like a Greek god: perfectly formed with a small sprinkle of dark hair, dusky nipples, and hips like they were cut from marble.

I had to touch him. To kiss him.

I laid my lips to his pulse before leaning down on one arm and sliding my free hand along his chest. He was smoother than me, though I could feel thick peach fuzz under the pads of my fingers just above his stomach. I traced his tattoo again before moving farther down until my palm rubbed the length of his cock.

He shuddered and stiffened. “I think I’m too close.”

“It’s okay. You can let go,” I told him. “I want to watch you fall apart.”

I couldn’t take my eyes off him as he gave himself over to the pleasure. His hands flailed like he didn’t know what to do with them, and eventually, they settled against my sides. The touch tickled, but I ignored it as I explored what he liked.

A grip slightly tighter than I preferred and a slower stroke. His whole body arched when I dragged my palm from root to tip, then back down again. His chest was flushed, the pink spreading to the tips of his ears, and his full lips parted in a silent gasp.

“Like that?”

He nodded wordlessly, like he’d forgotten how to make sounds.

Pushing up to my knees, I spread his legs farther apart so I could settle between them, and with my free hand, I palmed his balls. They were darkly flushed and heavy, and he moaned louder when I rolled them between my fingers.

“I want to get my mouth on you.” I wasn’t going to suck his cock, but I wanted to taste his skin. “Can I kiss you here?”

“Oh, fish sticks ,” he gasped.

I burst into laughter. “What?”

“Ignore that,” he begged. “Please, don’t stop,”

There wasn’t a chance in hell I was going to do that. Leaning down, I stroked him a little faster as I pressed a kiss to his balls, then to the insides of his thighs. I licked the salt off his skin, then went farther—right behind his heavy sac. I pressed down with my thumb there in a soft, careful circle and licked just beside his hole.

“Oh, oh.” He sounded panicked. His cock jumped in my hand, and before I could fully sit up, he came. His back arched and his body shuddered hard. He came in thick streaks, spilling over my knuckles, cum dribbling down my wrist.

Fuck, he was so beautiful.

Pressing my body over his, I let him take some weight, and I felt him immediately relax. He wrapped shaky arms around me and laid sloppy, wet kisses along my collarbone. I could feel his cock still twitching against my lower stomach as he whimpered with the aftershocks.

Lifting up on my elbows, I stared down at him, taking in the sight of his flushed cheeks, the red bright over his pale skin. His dark hair was sweaty, sticking to his forehead, and I couldn’t get enough of his eyes. I reached up and traced faint freckles over his sharp jawline.

“Not your first orgasm, right?” I asked when he was finally breathing steadily.

He scoffed against my chest. “Yes, I’ve had an orgasm before. I’m not a virgin. I’ve just never been with a man. And lately, well, if that old wives tale was true, I’d be totally blind with hair from my fingertips to my elbows.”

I burst into laughter, collapsing beside him. We were a sticky mess, but I didn’t care. It felt good to bask with him. He was a total stranger. I didn’t know his last name or where he lived, but for the first time in months, I felt alive.

“You’re really good-looking,” he said in the silence stretching between us.

My cheeks warmed. “Thank you. I don’t hear that much these days.”

“Fishing or honesty?”

I shrugged and kissed his shoulder. “Both?”

He snorted and rolled onto his side, hooking his leg over my hip. He was a cuddler, and god, I liked that. I let my fingers run over his thighs, where he was the most hairy. It was coarse and thick, and I loved the feel of it against my skin.

“So…on a scale of one to ten…”

I pressed a finger to his lip. “Don’t do that, sunshine. Don’t ever let someone rate you. If the sex wasn’t good, it will never be because of you.”

His brow furrowed. “I’m not, you know, adventurous. I’ve been running from this truth for most of my life, and I don’t know if I’ll ever be—uh—k-kinky. Or whatever.” His last few words were murmured so softly I barely understood them.

I couldn’t help but kiss him. “You don’t need to be adventurous or kinky to be good at sex. But you should also trust yourself to explore things you like. You might be surprised, especially if you have an attentive partner who notices what you like, even when you don’t.”

He bit his lip for a moment, and when he let it go, it was fat and slick with spit. “Did you notice anything I liked?”

Was it really my place to say if we were never going to do this again?But the look on his face had me helpless against his request. “I’m not an expert, but I can tell you like it rough and tender at the same time. You like words of praise. I have a feeling you might like edging once you’re with a person you really trust.”

“Is edging exactly what it sounds like?” Bean asked.

I grinned and kissed his jaw before rolling away. “Yep. It doesn’t need to get too deep or too intense. And the more you get comfortable with a person, the more you’ll be able to play with them—and the more you’ll be comfortable letting them play with you. You need to be patient with yourself. You deserve good things.”

He was still pink at the tops of his ears when I looked at him. He grinned shyly. “What about you? What do you like?”

A lot of things. Taking care of someone. Making them feel good. Being allowed to take my time and draw it out. There was a lot I liked that I thought Bean would too. But I had no right to ask for more time with him.

“It depends on the person I’m with,” I answered, groping around for my boxer briefs. I slid them on, and I could feel his gaze locked on my ass. He made me feel differently than Gio had over these last few years.Bean made me feel beautiful and wanted.

It scared me a little. I didn’t want to be more vulnerable than the divorce had already made me.

“Can you do me a favor?” he asked.

“Anything.”

“I have a little black book I keep in my back pocket with a clip-on pen. Can you grab that for me?”

That was…weird. Was he starting a notebook full of lovers? I had no place to question that, but I felt an irrational surge of jealousy as I picked up his jeans and patted the pockets.Unfortunately, I came up empty.

“I don’t think it’s here.”

He sat up, looking panicked. “Uh. What?”

I shook the jeans, then kicked mine to the side, but the only thing on the floor was his phone. “Sorry, sunshine. There’s only this.”

He groaned, flopping backward and covering his face. “I must have left it at the bar. Cripes.”

Putting one knee on the bed, I pressed his phone into his hand and then turned his face for a kiss. “Are you okay without it?”

He sighed, kissing me hard before pulling away and sitting up. “Yeah. It’s just a…thing. It’s not important.” He stared down at his phone, turning it from right to left before tapping the screen. It lit up brightly, and he squinted. “Are you okay if I have my roommate pick me up from here?”

My gut twisted. “Roommate. Not a boyfriend or girlfriend?”

He looked up, frowning. “No. You think I’m a cheater?”

I quickly shook my head. “No, sunshine. Not at all. Plenty of people have open marriages or relationships, and I’m all for doing what you want. But it is kind of a hard line for me.”

He cocked his head to the side. “You got cheated on, didn’t you?”

“It’s way more complicated than that, and I don’t mean to be rude, but I’m not really in a place where I can talk about it yet.”

Instead of getting offended, he leaned in, grabbed my hand, and kissed the center of my palm. “I’m sorry someone hurt you. You didn’t deserve that.”

I cradled his face and looked into his dark eyes. In another life, at any other time, I would have made him completely and totally mine. “Kiss me one last time?”

He looked sad, but he didn’t argue. He leaned in and pressed our lips together, letting it linger until we both needed air. I didn’t fight to keep him when he pulled back. I just fumbled in my dresser for sweats and pretended like he wasn’t sending a message to take me out of his life forever.

It wasn’t the worst thing in the world, but if I were honest with myself, it kind of felt like it.