Chapter 22

CHAPTER TWENTY-TWO

JAREK

“I say this with love from the bottom of my heart, but you need to calm the fuck down.”

I offered my brother a glare in spite of the fact that he was right. I did need to calm down. It wasn’t like I was facing some life-changing news. Except…it sort of was exactly like that. My mortality wasn’t on the line, but my heart was.

Waking up next to Bean after having been inside him—after taking him over the edge and tumbling after him with him soft and needy and pliant in my arms—there was no denying it. I was head over heels in love with him, and I wanted to be with him.

The idea of ever getting married again still made me want to pull my own face off, yet when I thought about putting a ring on Bean’s finger and calling him husband in the distant future, it was different. Almost like it was healing all the tender, aching scars Gio had left behind.

This was my happily ever after. Bean was my person. He’d come along later than I’d hoped, but I still had plenty of years ahead of me.

I didn’t just want him.

I needed him.

It was time to make all of that clear. I’d invited Andrei over to help me get everything right, but so far, all he’d done was laugh at me and make fun of the fact that I was borderline hysterical.

“You can go.”

He deflated and actually looked sorry. “Hey, I’m not trying to be a dick?—”

“No, I know. You’re being yourself, and normally, that’s fine, but this is a big deal for me.” I walked over and sank onto the couch, dropping my face into my hands. “I’ve never felt like this before.”

The couch cushion moved as he sat, and he rubbed the space between my shoulder blades. “Breathe.”

“I’m talking, so I’m obviously breathing.”

He scoffed. “You know what I mean. And I get it. I mean, I don’t get it. I’ve never been in love the way you are. But I know this is a big deal for you. I understand what’s on the line here.”

I wanted to snap at him that no, he didn’t. He couldn’t. Neither of us had ever known anyone in a solid, non-toxic relationship, let alone been in one ourselves. But it wouldn’t do me any good to be unkind to my support system, considering how small it was.

I dropped my hands and looked over at him. “I’m terrified. I don’t know what I’m going to do if he turns me down.”

“What’s your plan?”

I gestured weakly at the kitchen where I’d prepared the chicken and dumplings to the exact specification of his recipe. I ended up calling Nash and had him walk me through it—which he had, patiently and kindly—and as much as I knew it was nowhere near the quality Bean could have produced, it was edible.

And that was a triumph in itself.

But I was second-guessing myself now. Chicken and dumplings wasn’t exactly the meal of grand romance, and I didn’t have a long history to draw upon. Gio and I confessed our love for each other with a belly full of Thai sticky wings while buzzed out of our minds on poppers.

I’d woken up the next day with a sore asshole, hickeys all over my chest, and a note from Gio saying he would be moving his stuff in next week. I remembered a sense of dread and then deciding not to give a shit because I figured it would be nice to have a warm body to come home to.

The love—whatever kind of love he and I shared—had come after, and it hadn’t lasted long.

It was going to be different with Bean.

“And I’ve lost you again.”

I shook myself out of my thoughts. “Sorry. It just feels like everything I want to do is so…pathetic. Like I’m playing pretend in a grownup’s life.”

“I’m pretty sure that’s all adulting really is,” Andrei said quietly, a small smile tugging at his lips. “I still have the urge to send one of those folded-up hearts to…uh…someone I like with checkboxes that say Do You Like Me, Check Yes or No .”

I choked on a laugh. I knew exactly who he meant, and I would have paid money to see the look on Ivy’s face when she got that note. She’d probably frame it and put it on her desk.

“Look, for what it’s worth, since I’ve never met this guy, I don’t think Bean is going to care if you make him a five-course Anthony Bourdain-approved meal or if you show up with a stale box of Popeye’s chicken and drool on him before confessing your love. I think all he’s going to care about is that it’s you and that you’re being honest about how you feel.”

I wanted that to be true. I wanted to believe Andrei had the secrets to the universe and that I could calm down and let things happen with all the faith that it would work out.

And I might have been able to if it wasn’t for the sense of doom sitting at the base of my spine.

“Stop making that face,” Andrei ordered.

I tried to smile and he looked so horrified, I stopped. “This is going to be a disaster.”

“I don’t think you’re right about that. I think?—”

His words were cut off by the sound of the bell, and I realized it was Bean. He was early, but only by about ten minutes. I’d spent too much time screwing around and panicking that I hadn’t even brushed my hair.

I attempted to finger-comb it, but Andrei stood and yanked me off the couch, giving me a shove toward the bathroom. “Go. I’ll meet my future brother-in-law, and you can make yourself presentable.”

Before I could stop him, he was at the door, opening it with a grin.

I could see Bean past his shoulder, his brows dipped in a low frown. His eyes were darting from Andrei’s face down to his feet, then back up again. “I—I think I have the wrong house.”

“No, sunshine, you don’t,” I called out in a rush. Fuck my hair. Who cared how I looked. None of it mattered when seeing his face made me feel like all was right in the world. I walked over and pushed Andrei to the side. “This is my annoying older brother. He wanted to meet you.”

Bean’s entire body relaxed and he offered a bright smile. “Oh. He looked familiar but not familiar enough, and I started to panic.”

I reached for him, pulling him past the threshold. I wanted to kiss him, but I knew he was still iffy about public affection, so I squeezed his wrist instead. “It’s good to see you.”

He licked his lips. “Yeah. It’s really good to see you.”

We got lost in each other’s eyes for too long. Andrei eventually cleared his throat, and I snapped out of it, turning. “Andrei, this is Bean. Bean, Andrei.” I froze. “Wait. Do you want me to introduce you as Mer?—”

“No,” Bean said swiftly, stopping me before I could get his full name out. “Bean’s good. Bean’s great.”

“I like it. It’s really unique,” Andrei said, sticking out his hand. “I have no cool nickname to offer.”

Bean laughed as he shook my brother’s hand. “Hang out with me and the guys long enough, and you’ll get one. Believe me.”

Andrei preened. “Is that an invitation?”

“No,” I said as Bean said, “Of course.”

Our gazes connected, and he laughed. “Come on. I think your brother would fit in.”

“Yeah, come on,” Andrei said, nudging me with his elbow. I rolled my eyes, and he laughed. “Anyway, I should get going. Jarek’s giving me the death glare, and I actually have to go finish ordering his cabinets.”

Bean frowned in confusion. “My brother’s company is doing the remodel of my new house,” I reminded him gently.

“Oh. Right. I can’t wait to see it.”

“I’m sure Jarek can’t wait to christen all the rooms,” Andrei said with a wink.

I reached past Bean and opened the door, giving my brother a hard shove toward it. “Thank you. See you later.Goodbye.” He laughed as I swung it shut in his face, then turned to Bean, who was grinning at me. “So, that was my family.”

“Your whole family?”

“Apart from Ivy, he’s the only one who really matters.” I didn’t expect Bean to remember anything I’d ever said about my parents, and he didn’t seem bothered by my answer.

“He looks like you.”

I groaned. “Yeah, I guess he does. I think I wear the whole silver-fox thing better.”

Bean stepped in close and leaned in, pressing a kiss to the corner of my mouth. “I think you mean silver bear.”

I went warm from head to toe. Cupping his cheek, I turned him for a proper kiss, gently pushing my tongue into his mouth. He took everything I gave him, going soft and pliant against me. He broke off with a moan, resting his forehead against my shoulder.

“I liked that.”

I smiled and kissed the crown of his head. “Well, there’s more where that came from, but I want to eat first.”

He pulled back with a frown. “Really?”

I guessed it wasn’t always like me to prioritize food. “I cooked,” I told him.

His eyes widened. “Oh.”

“You should probably try it before you decide if you want to finish the night with me.”

He made a noise between a scoff and a laugh, swaying in for another kiss. “I definitely want to spend the night with you.”

“You say that now…”

“And I’ll say it again after I eat the delicious meal you cooked.”

Cupping his chin, I looked into his eyes. “That’s some faith you have there, sweet thing.”

His smile lit up his whole face. “You’re worth it.”

If I hadn’t been in love before, that moment with those words would have been the exact second I would have fallen.

“Oh my goodness, babe!”

I blinked, staring across the table at Bean. Babe? He’d called me babe ? My whole face went white-hot with want, but I quickly swallowed it down. There were more important things than my dick. “It’s okay?”

He grinned around his second spoonful of dumplings. “It’s so good!”

So good was an overstatement, for damn sure, but it was edible. Maybe it was even more than edible. It was not bad. I set my spoon back into my bowl. “Tell me how I can improve.”

Bean’s eyes went wide. “What do you mean?”

“I mean, this is nowhere near as good as it should be. I went through all the steps, but what did I miss?”

Bean set his spoon down with a soft clink and stared across the table at me for a long beat. Then he shook his head, folding his arms over his chest. “No.”

“No?”

“No. We’re not going to do this. Not for sex, and not for food.”

“Sweetheart—”

“No,” Bean said again. It was the first time he’d ever spoken to me with any sort of force, and my dick twitched in my pants in spite of the fact that Bean actually looked annoyed. “You didn’t let me do it, and I’m not going to let you.I won’t sit here in front of the work you put in to make this evening perfect and tell you all the ways you went wrong.”

I almost argued. There were protests on the tip of my tongue because that wasn’t what I was doing. Except…wasn’t I? It hit me like a freight train that it was exactly what Gio used to do. I’d go out of my way to put together something for him, and while he’d always smile and kiss me and thank me, he’d also make sure to tell me all the ways I could have made it better. A reminder of all the ways I’d never measured up to his expectations.

I had never and would never be good enough. But that was Gio’s version of me. That wasn’t who I really was. At least, not in Bean’s eyes.

I swallowed heavily and glanced away. How did I still have so many scars from a man I had stopped loving so many years ago?

“Jarek—”

“I’m sorry,” I rasped.

Bean stood and made his way around the table. He stared at the seat beside me, then swung his leg over my thighs instead and straddled me. Our gazes locked, and he sighed before curling his palms around my jaw and kissing me.

“I’m sorry if I hurt your feelings.”

I burst into laughter, burying the sound against his chest as I clung to him. “You didn’t hurt my feelings, sunshine. Not even close. You made me realize there was a small part of me still living in the past, trapped by the unkindness of my ex.”

“You’re not alone in trauma like that,” Bean said softly.

I pulled back and looked up into his gorgeous eyes. “I guess we have to be patient with each other, huh?”

He dipped his head for a second swift kiss. “Yeah. But we’ve both had a lot of practice, I bet.”

I snorted a laugh and leaned back in my chair so I could see him properly. He was so gorgeous and fit on my lap like he belonged there. My fear was still sparking through my veins, but it was quieter now. I felt braver.

Those three little words were dancing on the tip of my tongue, but I held them back. They could wait until later tonight. Until I let myself be selfish this one last time before I attempted to change everything about who we were to each other.

Digging my fingers into his hips, I dragged him closer. He let out a soft gasp as his half-hard cock rubbed against mine, and I rolled my hips against his. “Do you have anything on that list of yours you want to try, gorgeous?”

He swallowed heavily, his eyes a little foggy. It took him a moment to react, and then he reached into his back pocket and pulled out the little notebook. Biting his lip, he flipped toward the back, looked slightly panicked, then flipped forward.

Was there something in there?

The look was gone from his eyes, though, and desire had replaced it. He licked the tip of his finger, turning the page, then said, “There’s one.” He turned the book toward me, and I squinted, but I didn’t have my readers and the word was small.

“I’m sorry, but I can’t see that. Can you say it, or do you want me to get my glasses?”

He looked terrified for a moment, then he squared his shoulders. He’d been so good the other night—so brave and perfect—but I also knew that didn’t mean he would be all the time. “Um…”

“You don’t have to,” I reminded him.

He shook his head. “No, I want to. I just struggle with this word. Nash helped me use the right term, but it doesn’t sound very sexy.”

I tilted my head to the side. “Give it a try?”

“Inter…inter…cur…” He trailed off, but it was fine. I knew what he was trying to say. Intercrural .

I dropped my hands to his inner thighs and dragged them up toward where he was hard and tenting his pants. “You want me to fuck your thighs? Or do you want to fuck mine?”

His ears were bright red and he bit his lip, closing his eyes on a long, slow breath. “I want to f-fuck yours,” he stammered. God, that word on his lips sounded so goddamn erotic. “I want to top sometime, I think. I want to try it. But I’m not ready. I think this would be a really good compromise.”

“I think so too,” I said, my voice dropping low. I leaned up, cupping his ass and dragging him all the way against me. He groaned, rocking his hips, thrusting against my straining cock. “And I really like it.”

“Yeah?”

I looked up at him and nodded. “Yes.”

We kissed again, hotter, deeper, longer than before. The food was abandoned, and I had a feeling we’d be busy for so long that I’d have to pitch the rest, but it was a sacrifice I was willing to make for this. For him.

For us.

Pulling away, I eased Bean off my legs, then stood and took both of his hands in mine. Tugging him close, I stared into his face and wondered if I’d really get to have this for good. Could he be mine? Was I good enough? Kind enough?

Lucky enough?

“Jarek?”

“Sorry. Got lost in your eyes.” A half-lie, but he didn’t seem to notice. His cheeks flushed and he turned his head away shyly. “I didn’t mean to make you uncomfortable.”

He shook his head. “Not used to it yet.”

Yet. Which means maybe there would be time. I shoved that thought aside and took his hand, dragging him down the hall and into the bedroom. For the dozenth time, I wished we were in my home. I wished it was finished and I could confess how I felt about him in a space I hoped to share with him in whatever capacity he was willing.

But I supposed home really was where the heart was, and considering Bean was my heart now, I’d be happy wherever he was with me.

Closing the door, I pressed him against the wall and lifted his chin to kiss him again. “You taste good,” I murmured.

“That’s because you made a good meal,” he countered.

I pulled back and laughed. “Touché.”

Reaching for the hem of his shirt, I pulled it off, tossing it to the side before I removed my own. His bare chest against mine was warm and glorious. He rubbed against me, his cock thick behind his zipper, and I quickly freed it, pulling it through the slit of his boxers and holding it against my palm.

He groaned softly, rocking his hips toward the circle of my fist. “Yeah. Yes.”

I kept my movements small and tight. I didn’t want this to be over before it began. I wanted to go through that list one by one and then go through it again. And then again, until he was as confident in his own body as he was with everything else.

“Bed?” he asked.

My knees felt weak, so I let him go and watched as he shimmied out of the rest of his clothes. The round globes of his ass shook just a little as he walked toward the bed, and I indulged in watching the way he moved until he was spread out on the sheets.

He gave me a come-hither look, so I abandoned my clothes, kicking them to the side before closing the distance between us. Grabbing the lube to slick up my thighs with one hand and bracing myself on the other to kiss him, I closed my eyes and basked in knowing he was here.

With me.

“You ready for me?” I asked.

He laughed softly and kissed me one more time. “Always.”

That was enough for me. At least, it was enough for now.

I came to deliciously achy in all my muscles and sticky between my legs, and I turned over to see that it was still dark outside the window. I had no idea where my phone was, but I was pretty sure it was close to midnight. Bean and I hadn’t discussed whether or not he planned to stay, but I could see the light on in the bathroom, so we could talk about it when he was done. After I told him how I felt because this was it.

I couldn’t hold back. Tonight had been everything I’d wanted and more, and I was sure he felt the same way. It no longer felt like a risk. It felt like an inevitability.

Rolling onto my side, I pawed at the nightstand for one of our phones, and there was a sliding noise and then a thud. His notebook hit the floor.

Had he brought it in with him, or had he gotten it after I dozed off?

It didn’t matter. I picked it up and noticed it had fallen open to his list. I couldn’t help a small grin. I wanted to do more on this list. I couldn’t wait to pick something else. I still didn’t have my glasses, but I held the book several inches away until my eyes focused, and I attempted to make out the words in the dim light.

10 Reasons Why I Don’t Love Jarek

My heart started to pound hard in my ears. This wasn’t real. Was it? It couldn’t be. But there it was, in black ink on cream paper, written neatly between the lines.

He’s the first man I’ve ever been with and that makes me see everything through rose glasses.

My brain is unreliable. I may have forgotten the bad things.

The sex is great, but sex is not the same as love.

I haven’t known him long enough to…

I slammed the book shut and slid it back onto the nightstand. All the reasons he didn’t love me. A whole list of them. At least ten, and probably a bunch more I wasn’t brave enough to read. My eyes had blurred before I could get past number four, but it was enough.

Fuck.

My heart felt like it was breaking into a thousand pieces, the jagged shards leaving behind bleeding wounds. How had I let myself fall so far? How had I let myself trust that I was worthy of love?

I knew what I was good for. Everything I’d given Bean—experience, attention, sex, pleasure, company—those were all the things Gio had wanted from me. They were probably all the things anyone would ever want from me.

I felt a strange surge rushing through me, a sort of gratitude that I’d learned this before I opened my mouth and made a fool of myself. Then panic set in because I knew right then I couldn’t keep going. I couldn’t keep fucking Bean, holding him and whispering sweet nothings that to me were everything, knowing he was keeping a tally of all the reasons he would never be mine.

It had to stop.

The bathroom door opened just as I pulled on sweats, and his smile fell off his face when he looked at me. “Jarek?”

“Are you heading out soon?” My tone was icy. I wanted to play it cool, but I felt like I was about to lose it.

He swallowed. “Did you not want me to stay, or?—”

“I have a busy day tomorrow. And an early morning.”

I could see the hurt blooming on his face. He glanced around like he was missing something, and I wanted to hate him for this feeling in my chest, but I couldn’t. None of this was his fault. He was sticking to the terms of our agreement. I was the one who broke everything.

Fuck, I did not want to cry right then, but my throat was hot.

“Actually, I need to run out to Ivy’s. Will you be okay here? You can lock up when you leave.” I didn’t wait for an answer. I was panicking. I hurried toward the door, but apparently, Bean wasn’t having it because he managed to grab my wrist before I could snatch my keys off the curio table.

“Jarek! What’s going on?”

I stilled, then turned slowly and carefully removed my wrist from his grasp. “I’m sorry.”

“Did I do something wrong?”

Yes. Except no. He hadn’t. I had. I had agreed not to fall in love, to let us stay friends, and I’d broken my own rule and my own heart. I shook my head. “It’s not you. It’s me.”

He held up a hand with a bitter laugh. “It’s not you. It’s me? Really ?”

“I got things twisted and…” Glancing away, I let out a frustrated growl. “I really care about you.”

He laughed bitterly. Angrily. “Right. Where have I heard that before?”

“I didn’t mean for it to get this far, Bean. Really. But I can’t keep doing this. I’m sorry. It’s…I’m sorry.” It was all I could say. This time, when I turned and fled the house, he didn’t follow.

And somehow, irrationally, the fact that he didn’t follow hurt the worst of all.