Chapter 21

CHAPTER TWENTY-ONE

BEAN

I was ready. In hindsight, I had been for a while, but the timing hadn’t worked out, but now I was really eager to have sex with Jarek. Actual sex. Penetrative sex. Anal sex. I wanted him to fuck me.

And yes, I’d practiced saying those words because it mattered. Maybe not to anyone else, but to me, it did. I needed to be able to say what I wanted without immediately feeling that rush of guilt, of shame. The only way that would ever happen was if I desensitized myself.

I had plenty of experience with that in the Army. Harsh as it sounded, desensitizing was a necessary evil for a soldier. You couldn’t function without it because if you truly allowed yourself to feel everything you did and saw and went through, you wouldn’t be able to do your job.

A while ago, I’d watched a documentary about World War II, and they’d interviewed a whole bunch of D-day veterans. One of them had kept repeating that he’d been terrified in the landing boats, but as soon as he set foot on the beach, he’d switched everything off.

His friends had gotten killed right next to him, but he’d kept going, knowing it was the only way to survive…and the only way to win. He’d refused to let the horrors around him get to him because if he had, he wouldn’t have been able to keep going.

But D-day had only been the start. His company had fought all the way to the end when Germany had finally surrendered, and by then, he’d grown desensitized to the daily suffering around him, to the violence, and to death.

That was the whole purpose of endless drills during boot camp and training. Your reactions had to become automatic, regardless of the circumstances—pure muscle memory to the point where you didn’t need to think but responded instantly.

So I had made a list of all the things I wanted to be able to say, and I had started saying them aloud, whispering them to myself, overriding the voices inside my head that shouted it was shameful and wrong and sinful. To anyone else, I would look and sound like someone who had lost it, mumbling sex fifty times, followed by words like anal, condoms, rimming, and above all, cock.

Cock, cock, cock.

Not penis or something similar clinical, but cock.

I wanted anal sex. I wanted Jarek’s cock in my ass.

Dang it, I was proud of myself for being able to say that…to myself. Now, all I needed to do was gather the courage to tell Jarek.

We were hanging out at his place. I’d taught him how to make lasagna—one of the easiest recipes ever—and the end result had been yummy. Now we were lounging on the couch, watching an episode of House Hunters, where a retired couple wanted to find a cheap house directly on the beach somewhere in the Carolinas.

“Pff,” Jarek snorted when they were checking out some property in North Carolina. “Talk about throwing your money away. That beach line has been eroding and whole houses have disappeared into the ocean.”

How did I segue from this to sex? There had to be a way to give subtle signals, right?

Oh, what the heck. I’d just have to come right out and say it. Great way to practice my desensitizing techniques. I reached for the remote and muted the volume.

“Is something wrong? Do you have a headache?”

I snorted at the unintended irony of that question. “No, I don’t. The opposite, in fact.” I took a deep breath. “I want to have sex with you. I’m ready. For anal sex, I mean. With you t-topping me.”

Oh my goodness, I’d done it. I’d said the words, only stuttering slightly on ‘topping.’ What a funny thing to be proud of, but I was. I really was.

Jarek’s face broke open with a wide smile. “I’m so proud of you, sweet thing. That must’ve been hard for you to say.”

“I practiced,” I admitted. “I wanted to be able to say it.”

He leaned in for a soft kiss, grazing my lips before diving deeper. When he pressed his tongue against the seam of my lips, I opened, inviting him in. That first slide of our tongues sent sparks down my spine like it always did. We’d kissed so many times by now, but I’d still not gotten used to it. Kissing him was so special, so erotic, so…perfect.

He gently pushed me back, and I let him. I ended up on my back on the couch with him stretched out on top of me, his body covering mine. What an amazing sensation. It felt good physically, but it also did something to me inside. It made me feel…protected. Safe. Wanted.

Somehow, I had expected things to move quickly now, for Jarek to go straight for the goal, so to speak, and…prep me? Oh yes, I’d done my research there too, and I knew what was involved. It had sounded a little embarrassing, to be honest, but it had felt amazing when Jarek had played with my ass, so there was that. Besides, if it were truly that awful, no one would do it, so surely, the benefits outweighed the downsides.

But Jarek kept kissing me unhurriedly, roaming my mouth without a care in the world, as if he wanted to map every inch, every hidden corner. As if he wanted to drink me in, and boy, did I recognize that feeling. I was addicted to him. To his kisses, to the way he smiled at me, to his kindness, and how he looked at me as if I was the most important person in the world.

How had his ex thrown all of that away? How had he not recognized how truly special this man was? I would never understand it, but I was grateful in a way because otherwise, I would’ve never met Jarek.

Jarek tugged on my shirt, and I obediently lifted my arms so he could wrestle it off—not an easy feat when he was on top of me, but he managed. His own shirt followed, and as always, I let out a happy sound when our naked chests touched. I loved that feeling of bare skin against bare skin.

We kept kissing and touching, me roaming the planes of his back with my hands, even daring to venture lower and massage his ass. He loved that, judging by the low, growly sounds he made. Well, so did I, so I kept going, boldly slipping my hands under the waistband of the loose sweat shorts he was wearing.

His ass was round and hairy, and he had enough flesh there that I could squeeze it. Or put a hand on each cheek and massage them. The only downside was that I couldn’t see them, but that was only a minor thing.

“Mmm, that feels so good, baby, your hands on my ass,” he rumbled, and inside me, a sun lit up. I loved making him feel good.

He somehow managed to drag off our shorts as well, though it required some gymnastics that had both of us giggling. All that separated us now was our underwear, and with a boldness that was as shocking to me as it seemed to be to Jarek, I tugged on his briefs until his ass was exposed.

“Are you eager, sweet thing?” he asked with a laugh.

“I like feeling your skin against mine.”

“Mmm, so do I, baby.”

He wriggled out of them, rubbing against me in the process, and my eyes crossed.

Impatient when his attempts to take off my tight boxer briefs didn’t work, I pulled them down myself, shimmying out of them until we were both naked on the couch, plastered against each other.

“You’re so goddamn beautiful,” Jarek said, his eyes darkening as he took me in. “Your body is perfect, darling. Breathtaking.”

“Thank you. I-I love your body too. It’s…” I swallowed. I could do this. I wanted to do this. “It’s soft in all the right places and so…so masculine.”

He had to know saying things like that was hard for me, and my reward was another one of those deep kisses that had my head spin. “We should move to the bedroom,” he said softly. “It’ll make things a little easier because we’ll have more room.”

As if to underscore his words, he shifted and lost his balance, almost tumbling off the couch. I grabbed him at the last second and pulled him back. We both laughed. “You were saying?” I teased.

“Bedroom. Before one of us breaks something.”

I snorted. “It would suck if we had to abort this mission because you broke an ankle.”

“Don’t tempt fate. I’m not exactly the most coordinated person on the planet.”

“No worries. I’ll catch you if you fall.” Was it stupid of me to be happy that, at least in this, I was the stronger one? The better one? I often felt so imperfect with all my issues compared to Jarek.

Getting up while I was butt naked and he was watching should’ve been hard, but the man looked at me with such adoration and almost admiration that it was impossible to feel insecure. A little self-conscious, maybe, but not ashamed.

He walked in front of me, and I absolutely used the opportunity to watch his ass. It had a little jiggle when he moved, and it was mesmerizing. For the first time, I understood the urge to slap someone’s butt. If it wobbled so perfectly, it would be so satisfying and arousing to see.

Another time. I couldn’t allow myself to get distracted from the mission.

Once in the bedroom, he gestured for me to lie on my back on the bed, and then he put a pillow under my hips, raising them. “It’ll be easier for access and create a better angle.”

I nodded, trusting him to know what he was doing.

He grabbed lubricant from his bedside drawer, then put a condom on the bed. Nash had preached about the necessity for safe sex, but it looked like I wouldn’t even have to bring that up.

“Bean, baby, I need you to listen to me.”

I met Jarek’s eyes.

“You can change your mind at any point, okay? All you need to say is stop, and I will. If it doesn’t feel good, or if I do something you don’t like, or if you feel lost for a moment or confused, just tell me. This needs to be a special experience for you, something you love. If you don’t, then that’s okay.”

I nodded.

He settled between my legs, gently nudging them wider. Awkward, but I took a couple of deep breaths. A slick finger rubbed against me, not even pushing or pressing but gently tracing circles around my hole. Almost like he was massaging it, which helped me relax. When he did push, his finger slipped in with ease. The man knew what he was doing, and that sent a rush of reassurance through me.

Soon, he was playing with my ass like he’d done before, pumping two fingers and curling them so he’d hit that amazing spot inside me that seemed to be connected to nerves in my entire body. Every time he hit it, pure pleasure spread like wildfire, setting me alight.

Two fingers became three, which stung a bit, but it didn’t last long. The full sensation was hard to describe, but it felt amazing, yet, at the same time, it wasn’t enough. I wanted more. I wanted him.

He rolled on a condom and coated it with some more lubricant, then checked in with me again. “You good, honey?”

A rush of warmth filled me, and in lieu of words—which were hard to form right now—I held out my arms to him. With a smile, he covered me, kissing me tenderly. “Can’t wait to be inside you, sunshine. You’re gonna feel so good…”

With one hand, he guided himself until he was positioned against my entrance.

“Breathe out,” he told me.

I did, and he pushed inside me. I had expected it to hurt, but it didn’t. It stung a bit, but not in a bad way. Somehow, that slight burn had the promise of pleasure, though I couldn’t explain it.

“I’m good,” I whispered, seeing the question in his eyes.

He went slow, moving carefully as he slid in a little deeper with each thrust. My body somehow gave way, welcoming him in. And when he was fully inside me, our bodies joined in the most intimate way, something connected inside me. This deep sense of rightness washed over me, this feeling that everything had changed now, that this was the start of something new and beautiful. That this was how I was meant to be.

That I was meant to be with Jarek.

I was in love with him.

Oh my word, I was in love with him.

“Bean?” Jarek’s voice was soft. “Are you still with me, sweet thing?”

I blinked. What was he asking? Was I with him? Heck, yeah. Now more than ever. “I’m good,” I finally managed. “I’m more than good.”

“Okay.” Jarek kissed me tenderly. “Just wanted to make sure.”

And then he started to move and all coherent thoughts vanished from my brain. All I could do was feel. The friction was exquisite, and he filled me so perfectly. Pleasure built in my balls and in my cock, spreading out through my whole body like a ripple on a pond.

I clung to Jarek, holding on to him like my safeguard in the storm of sensations that assaulted me. My head dazzled, and I felt like I was about to step outside my body with how tight my skin was. Everything tingled and shimmered and fizzled and itched as if something big inside me was about to burst.

I’d never experienced anything like it.

Was I supposed to do something? Because all I could manage was hang on and let Jarek do his thing. I was too overcome, too absorbed in all the sensations and emotions to do anything else. It was too much. It was not enough.

Jarek sped up, and that was when the fireworks started. Even with my eyes open, little stars burst in my vision every time he sank inside me just right, his cock rubbing against that spot inside me. My mind went blank as I rose above myself, letting go of everything else.

My balls contracted, pulled tight against my body, and my cock throbbed—though I wasn’t touching it. My breath caught in my lungs, my muscles contracted, and every cell in my body hung on that edge, waiting for release. I clenched my eyes shut, unable to keep them open.

I should touch myself to push over that last edge, but I couldn’t. No way were my muscles cooperating right now. I was too tense, too tight, too out of it.

Jarek wrapped his big, strong hand around my dick, and that was enough to set me off. My body shook and jerked as I released into his hand, my balls squeezing so suddenly it almost hurt. I cried out, the shout transitioning into a low moan that lasted until my voice broke. The orgasm took everything I had, and when it was finally over, I lay trembling, completely wrung out.

I hadn’t even noticed Jarek had come too, too focused on my own pleasure, but surely I shouldn’t feel guilty about that, right?

“This part is not fun,” Jarek said apologetically as he pulled out. He was right. I was sensitive now, and it was distinctly unpleasant.

But then he rolled on his back, pulling me with him, and wrapped his arms around me. I put my head on his shoulder and closed my eyes, allowing my heart rate to come down to normal levels.

“You were so good,” he praised me in this soft, cooing tone that hugged me like an embrace. “You felt amazing around me, sweetheart. I’m so honored you let me be your first. I’ll always remember this.”

I was glad he couldn’t see my face because I had to be sporting the goofiest smile ever…and there was no way my eyes wouldn’t betray the love I felt for him right now.

When I got home the next morning—I was off, so I’d spent the night at Jarek’s—Nash was in the kitchen, typing on his laptop. He closed it as soon as I walked in. “Hey, kid. How was it?”

“How was what?”

“Sex. With Jarek.”

“How did you…?”

He snorted. “If you wanted to keep it a secret, you shouldn’t walk around practicing saying ‘anal sex.’ You weren’t exactly subtle.”

Oh jeez. “Sorry.”

“What are you apologizing for? If that works for you in making it easier to say things, then go right ahead. It’s not like I haven’t heard those words before.”

Right. Of course. Nash gestured at the chair across from him, and I sat down. “It was… If I say it was perfect, are you gonna laugh?”

He covered my hand with his for a moment, his eyes sincere. “I’d never laugh at you…and I’m so glad to hear that. It matters, Bean. Your first time matters, and for you, maybe even more.”

I nodded. “He made it special. I’m so glad I chose him.”

“He’s a good guy. I really like him.”

“I think I’m in love with him.”

“You think? Or you know?”

I played with the coffee spoon in front of me, unable to look at Nash. “I don’t know. I’ve never felt like this.”

“Not with Natasha?”

I hadn’t even thought of her. A strange sense of guilt filled me. I’d thought I was in love with her, but it had felt nothing like this. Being with her had felt good, and the sex had been…good, I guess? But not like this.

This had been transformative. It had changed me irrevocably. I’d never be able to go back to who I had been before. “If you like men more than women, does that still make you bi?”

“Yes. Even if it was a ninety-ten ratio—and I realize it’s hard to quantify, but just as an example—you’re still bi.”

“But you’re gay. How do you know for sure?”

Nash shrugged. “I’ve literally never been attracted to women. I love them, don’t get me wrong. I think they’re amazing and ten times stronger than men, but I’m not attracted to them as anything more than friends.”

“I thought I loved Natasha…”

Nash sipped from his coffee, studying me. “But you don’t think so anymore?’

“I don’t know. It didn’t feel like this.”

“I’m no expert, but I don’t think love always feels the same. How I love you, for example, is different from how I love Tameron or Creek, yet all three of you are my brothers.”

That made sense. Nash was so good at explaining things in a way that I could understand them, even with my slightly befuddled brain. “So you’re saying it doesn’t mean I didn’t love Natasha?”

He gently shook his head. “I can’t tell you what you feel or in this case, felt. That’s for you to figure out. Though personally, I find focusing on the present and the future more productive than trying to analyze the past.”

I sighed. “If I loved Natasha at some point, I certainly don’t anymore. That changed the second she walked out on me. I would never do that to a person.”

“No, you wouldn’t. None of us would, but don’t forget we’ve also been trained that way. The ‘leave no man behind’ is ingrained in us.”

I leaned back in my chair, scratching my chin. “How can I figure out if what I feel for Jarek is love?”

Nash was quiet for a long time. “I wish I could tell you.”

“You don’t know?” I wasn’t being sarcastic or anything, but genuinely shocked that Nash, the man who always had answers, seemed genuinely baffled about this one.

“Nope. Wish I did though. But maybe you can do what you always do?”

“What’s that?”

“Make a list. Write it down. That always seems to help you.”

He wasn’t wrong. I grabbed my notebook from my pocket and flipped to an empty page. I could title it Reasons Why I Think I Love Jarek , but that would be a leading question, wouldn’t it? No, I had to frame it in a neutral way. Or better, play devil’s advocate and come up with a list of why I didn’t love him. That way, I could see if those arguments held any sway or if I could refute them easily.

And so I started writing.

10 Reasons Why I Don’t Love Jarek

He’s the first man I’ve ever been with and that makes me see everything through rose glasses.

My brain is unreliable. I may have forgotten the bad things.

The sex is great, but sex is not the same as love.

I haven’t known him long enough to truly know him.

He’s not over what his ex did to him.

I have low self-esteem, so I’m flattered he likes me, but that’s not love.

I’m not even fully capable of love after my brain trauma.

He’s too old for me. I need to be with someone my own age.

He’s a caretaker, and I only like him because he’s so kind and accepting of my limitations.

It feels completely different from what I felt for Natasha.