Chapter 19

CHAPTER NINETEEN

BEAN

Two weeks after that seizure, I was finally feeling like myself again. Much to my surprise, the new meds were making a difference, both with the headaches and, interestingly enough, with some of my memory issues. Not that my brain was working properly now, but I seemed to be able to remember a little more without having to check everything in my notebook. Small things for someone else, but a huge win for me.

Jarek and I had met up twice more after the day he’d seen his ex again. I understood him so much better now that I knew more about what had happened between them. The guy was an absolute douche, plus an idiot to boot. Didn’t he realize what he’d let go of when he’d lost Jarek?

The last time we’d seen each other, I had taken Nash’s advice, and I’d told him everything about my brain injury. I’d even brought notes and everything, wanting to ensure he understood what I was dealing with.

Not gonna lie. I’d half expected never to hear from him again after that. Knowing someone had a TBI was one thing, but being told all the details, the long list of symptoms and limitations, all the meds I had to take… That had to make an impression.

But Jarek had listened and asked a hundred questions, none of them judgmental and all of them aimed at fully understanding the scope of my problems. Heck, he even asked questions we had to Google together because I didn’t have the answers.

When I told Nash, he said he was proud of me—even though I didn’t bring up the other topic he raised with me, about Jarek and me being more than friends. He said that wasn’t the important part and we had plenty of time to discuss that, which was true.

Driving was still more tiresome for me than before the seizure, so today, Jarek had offered to come to my house—Nash’s house, technically—to meet everyone and have dinner. After that… Well, we’d only just begun to check off things on my list, so we still had a lot of ground to cover.

Technically, it was Tameron’s day to cook, but since I didn’t want Jarek to burn his mouth and, the next day, his asshole, I’d offered to take over. Then Nash had stepped in and said he’d take care of it.

He was making his grandmother’s beef stew, which had beer in it and was one of my favorite recipes. Maybe that was why he was making it? It took a while because it had to simmer for a long time, but it was totally worth it. Once it was done, the meat was so tender it all but melted in your mouth, and combined with his fluffy mashed potatoes and steamed baby carrots and broccoli, it was the perfect meal.

I’d showered, changed, then changed again into different clothes, and now I was restlessly wandering through the house. The smell of the stew was filling the kitchen, and it made my stomach rumble. Would it be done in time?

I reached for the lid to take another peek, but Nash slapped my hand away. “A watched pot never boils.”

“My mom always said that, but it never made sense to me. Boiling temperature isn’t influenced by someone watching, is it?”

“No, smartass, but it is influenced by someone who keeps taking the lid off.”

I laughed sheepishly. “Sorry?”

“If you want to do something, go set the table.”

“It’s Creek’s turn.”

“You can either set the table or stay in your room until your boyfriend is here.” Nash’s tone had reached the stage of exasperation, which meant I was treading on thin ice.

“Sorry. And he’s not my boyfriend.”

“Yet.”

“You don’t know that?—”

I gave up. Arguing with Nash was useless anyway.

Since I had nothing better to do, I put out the nice placemats and Nash’s grandma’s fancy china, then decided to roll some dark-blue cotton napkins into a little circle and put them on each plate. We usually drank out of plastic cups, but that wouldn’t do, so I used the fancy wine glasses. None of us were drinkers, but it looked so much nicer.

I studied the table. It was a heck of a lot fancier than we usually had it, but something was missing. We needed some atmosphere. Didn’t Heath bring over some kind of candle the other day? Something blue that smelled like the ocean?

I checked the living room. Yup, there it was on the coffee table. Perfect. I added it to the dinner table and stepped back to admire my handiwork.

Creek stepped into the kitchen and whistled. “Someone went all out…for dinner with just a friend.”

My cheeks heated. “I wanted it to look nice.”

“Don’t give him any shit, Creek,” Nash said mildly. “Or I’ll be forced to remind you how long it took you to get your head out of your ass about Heath.”

Creek huffed. “I wasn’t even aware I was bi, okay? Anyone would’ve needed time to process that.”

“Sure, we’ll go with that,” Nash said with a roll of his eyes.

Tameron came thundering down the stairs. “What’s with all the fancy shit? Is your boyfriend that high-maintenance?”

“He’s not my boyfriend,” I said almost automatically.

“Yet,” Nash added, and I wanted to slap the back of his head—but I held back because I wasn’t stupid.

“I’m starting to think inviting him to come over was a bad idea,” I said with a sigh.

Tameron snorted. “You’re only realizing that now? That blast really did a number on your brain.”

“I thought he invited himself?” Creek added, and I groaned. Why had I ever agreed to this? This was a disaster in the making.

Nash, who had tested the stew and put the lid back on, slowly turned around, drilling Creek and Tameron with a stare. “I hope you guys know the line.”

“What line?” Tameron pretended to study his nails until Nash tapped him to get his attention.

“Look behind ya. That one you just crossed. Don’t embarrass Bean in front of Jarek, or you’ll be on dishwashing and laundry duty for the next month. Am I making myself clear?”

Almost automatically, we all jumped into a ramrod-straight position. It was hard not to when Nash used that tone.

“Yes, Top,” Creek and Tameron said at the same time, and I shot Nash a look of gratitude, which he answered with a wink. The man had my back.

Seconds later, the doorbell rang, and I rushed to answer it. Jarek stood there, dressed in dressy dark-blue slacks and a button-down shirt that revealed just enough of his silver chest hair to make me swallow. He was so sexy, my silver bear. Well, not mine, but whatever.

“Hi,” I said stupidly, then added, “Jarek.”

His face lit up. “Hi, sunshine.”

Had he been waiting for me to recognize him? I doubted I would forget him ever again. He held out a box of expensive-looking chocolates. “I brought these for you.”

I took it excitedly. “No one has ever brought me chocolates before.”

“It was a toss-up between that and flowers, but I figured you’d like the chocolate better.”

“I love chocolate.”

“Good.”

We stared at each other, smiling.

“Can I come in?” he then asked.

I wanted to facepalm myself, but instead, I stepped aside. “Of course. Sorry.”

I expected him to walk past me, but he framed my face between those big hands and kissed me. “I’m happy to see you.”

Such a simple statement, yet so profound. Joy bloomed inside me. “I’m glad to see you too.”

“Tell your boyfriend to get his ass inside. Dinner’s getting cold!” Tameron yelled, followed by the unmistakable sound of a slap against his head.

Jarek’s eyes met mine as we both chuckled. I slowly shook my head. “I apologize in advance for my brothers. They’re…a little rough around the edges.”

“Don’t worry. I know what brothers are like.”

He did, and somehow, that helped me relax. That, and the fact that within minutes, he seemed to fit right in, asking Creek about his job, complimenting Nash on the house, and firing back at Tameron’s teasing without missing a beat.

“Did you cook?” Jarek asked me.

“No, Nash did. It’s his grandmother’s recipe, and it’s my favorite.”

“It’s amazing,” Jarek said. “She must’ve been a great cook.”

There was no easier way to Nash’s heart than complimenting his grandparents, whom he’d been so close with. “She was, and an amazing human being to boot.”

Jarek’s expression softened. “Those are hard to come by. You’re lucky to have had her.”

“I was.” Nash getting emotional was rare, but his voice had definitely cracked a little.

“How was your day?” Jarek asked me, drawing the focus off Nash. Another point scored for him.

“Good. I think?” I did a quick check to see if I’d forgotten anything important, but nope. “I slept in, had a session with my new therapist, and did laundry. It’s my turn this week.”

“You take turns for laundry?” Jarek asked.

Tameron made a gesture that he couldn’t follow the conversation. Oh shoot, had I forgotten to tell Jarek about that? “Jarek, can you make sure to face Tameron when you’re speaking?” I asked. “Otherwise, he won’t be able to hear you.”

Jarek blinked, then immediately turned toward Tameron. “Sorry, I didn’t realize you’re hard of hearing.”

“Yeah, the blast that scrambled Bean’s brains—or what was left of it anyway—took out my hearing.”

“That sucks.” Jarek managed to hit the perfect tone, showing empathy without pity. “Anyway, I was asking if you guys took turns for laundry.”

“We take turns for all the chores.” I pointed at a schedule on the fridge. “Laundry, cooking, dishes, cleaning, all of it. Otherwise, it’ll become a pig sty, according to the boss here.” I nudged my head at Nash, who shrugged.

“Nothing wrong with order and structure. A little discipline never hurt anyone.”

“Spoken like a true top,” Tameron grumbled.

Jarek started coughing until his eyes watered, his cheeks turning red. I was ready to slap him on the back in case something had gone down the wrong way, but he gestured that he was fine. “Sorry,” he said when he was finally able to speak again. “I must’ve misheard.”

Nash laughed. “Nope, you heard right. He called me top.”

Jarek’s eyes widened, but then he held up his hands defensively. “I’m not gonna ask. Forget I even raised the subject.”

Finally, it registered with me what he must’ve been thinking, and my face heated until it was likely beet red. “Not that kind of top. He’s?—”

“You don’t know that,” Tameron interrupted me. “Though he probably is.”

Oh mylanta, he had not just suggested that…

Nash put his knife and fork down. “And you think this is appropriate to discuss with our guest, why?”

“Sorry, what was that?” Tameron asked.

“And you think this is appropriate to discuss with our guest, why?” Nash repeated patiently.

“Hey, I’m not the one who started it. I was responding to what Bean said,” Tameron defended himself.

“Actually, you did start it,” I fired back, making sure to look at him. “You’re the one who called him top.”

All heads turned my way, all displaying equal looks of astonishment. Why were they so…? Oh.

“You remember,” Tameron said softly, utterly serious now. “You actually remember what I said a few minutes ago. That’s amazing, Bean.”

Nash patted my hand. “That’s a massive step in the right direction. I’m so happy for you.”

He was right. It was. An overwhelming sense of gratitude and joy filled me, followed by a wave of emotion so strong it brought tears to my eyes. I shoved my chair back. “Excuse me. I need a moment.”

But before I could leave, Nash grabbed my wrist. “Don’t walk away, Bean. Please. Allow us to see that part of you too.”

Crying in front of other men went against every instinct I had, everything I’d been raised with. Men didn’t cry to begin unless someone had actually died, and if they did, it was done in private so no one else would see. My urge to flee to my room was so strong that my body was taut with it, but the sincerity on Nash’s face gave me the strength to stay.

“I’m not used to…” I waved vaguely.

“We know,” Nash said. “No need to explain. Just let us share this moment with you, okay? We’ve been there for the valleys, so allow us to celebrate the mountain tops as well.”

I nodded, too overcome to speak.

“There he goes again, talking about tops. The man is obsessed,” Tameron said, bringing instant laughter. He might be the clown, the joker, but he could diffuse an emotional situation like no one else.

Under the table, Jarek took my hand, and I leaned into him a little. Oh, why was I even bothering? It wasn’t like I had to hide anything. So I let myself sink sideways and put my head on his shoulder.

Nash was right. Jarek was so much more than a friend.

“They’re amazing,” Jarek said softly. We were lying on my bed on our sides, facing each other, and he was playing with my hair.

“They’re a pain in the butt.”

“Brothers are supposed to be.”

“The ribbing and teasing didn’t bother you?”

Jarek chuckled. “Not even a little bit. I love how Nash is kind of like the Daddy of your group.”

I thought of what Nash had told me about needing to feel like he had a purpose, about deriving satisfaction from taking care of us. Wasn’t it interesting how I remembered that without needing to look at my notes? My brain made little sense in what it chose to store or forget—though, in some cases, I was all too happy not to remember, like that phone call with my mother on her birthday. My guess was that it hadn’t been pretty, and I was more than fine with not knowing the details.

“I hope he finds someone,” I said.

“Nash?”

I nodded.

“Is he dating?”

“I honestly don’t know. As close as we are, Nash shares little about his personal life. He’s gone for hours sometimes, and none of us know where he is. Probably because we’d tease him mercilessly.”

“Like I said, brothers.” He brushed my cheek with his finger, and I all but melted into him.

“I’m glad you got to meet them.”

“Me too. They’re such an important part of your life.”

Should I tell him they all thought he was my boyfriend? Should I raise the topic I wanted to discuss so badly but didn’t know how? But what if Jarek said no? What if I had misinterpreted everything, and he really wanted nothing more than friendship? I didn’t want to risk losing what we had, even if it wasn’t enough long-term.

“Would it be okay for me to spend the night?” Jarek then asked, and the moment was gone.

“You’d want to? I only have a full-size bed, not a fancy king like you do. And we won’t have the same privacy here.”

“Are you trying to convince me not to?”

“No!” My cheeks heated. “I want you to stay… But I also don’t want you to be uncomfortable.”

“It’s sweet of you to worry, gorgeous, but I’m fine. A smaller bed means we’ll have to cuddle more, no?”

He leaned in and then waited a moment before kissing me. He often did that, giving me that extra pause to say no or prepare for what was to come. Such a little thing, but it meant so much.

I sank into his kiss, plastering myself against him as our tongues danced and dueled. His lips were so soft against mine, and I loved the way he held my face as if I were fragile and priceless, like some kind of treasure. He made me feel special, and that was not an emotion I was used to.

“Do you think you have something on that list of yours we could try?” he whispered against my lips.

I blinked. List? What list? Oh, that list. Why did I always blush as soon as I thought of it? As if it was something to be embarrassed about. “I can check…”

“Mmm, or I could make a suggestion? It’s not like I’ve memorized it or anything…”

“You have?”

“It wasn’t that long of a list, sweet thing, and besides, every single item was something I’d love to do with you…or to you…or have you do to me.”

Still, my insides fluttered like a thousand butterflies had taken wing. “Any suggestions for what we could do? We don’t have that much privacy here, so we can’t be too loud…”

I wanted nothing more than to ask him to… Dang it, even in my head, I couldn’t say the word. Why was that self-judgment still so strong after all that time? I really needed to talk about this with my therapist.

“I’m sorry, but I need to write something down. I know it’s the worst timing, but otherwise, I’ll forget, and it’s important,” I said apologetically.

“If you want, you can tell me, and I’ll remember it for you? Then you can write it down later.”

Gosh, he was so sweet, but could I share this with him? Wasn’t it too personal or even too embarrassing? No, I needed to push through this. I couldn’t hide myself from him, not if I truly wanted more. “I need to talk to my therapist about…about sex. About how I can’t even say the words to myself, how every time I think of it, I freeze internally.”

“Thank you for sharing that with me, sunshine. That can’t be easy.”

“It’s so hard. Like, we were talking about the list and what we could do, and I was thinking that…” I swallowed past the tightness in my throat and my chest. “I really want to try a-anal with you. With you inside me, I mean, though I’m sure the other way around would be amazing as well. But I can’t say the word. Like I’m choking on it.”

His face showed nothing but kindness and understanding, not even a trace of judgment or, worse, the sense that he was making fun of me. “You’d like me to fuck you. Is that what you wanted to say?”

I nodded. “But I can’t say it.”

“I understand, and that’s okay. As long as you keep communicating with me and tell me in other ways, it’s all good. Do you think you’d be able to write it?”

Write it? Huh, I’d never even thought of that. “I did write down that list, and it has some…some explicit words on it that I’d have a hard time saying, so I think so?”

“That’s great. That means that if you have a hard time saying something, you can write it down for me.”

“Yeah, I think I could.” I bit my lip. “I’m really difficult, aren’t I?”

He placed a finger on my lips. “Stop saying that. You’re not. You’re special in all the best ways, and none of what you see as difficult is a problem for me.”

It was impossible not to believe him when he looked at me like that. Fueled by a surge of courage, I leaned forward and whispered into his ear. “I would love it if you could…play with my butt again. With my ass.”

His eyes darkened. “Oh, sweetheart, I’d love to.”