Chapter 18

CHAPTER EIGHTEEN

JAREK

“I’ll be there in about half an hour,” Andrei said into the phone. “Sorry, there was an accident on the bridge, and it fucked my whole day.”

I understood a little too well. “It’s fine. I have the keys, and I won’t touch anything where the paint is still drying.”

Andrei laughed. “Touch whatever you want. You’re the one who has to live with it.”

I felt like those words were the motto of my life right then. I was the one who had to live with it. The house, my choices, my friendships…

Bean.

I’d texted Bean a couple of times after leaving his house, and Nash had called to let me know he was still recovering but was feeling a lot better and would be heading back to work this week. But I hadn’t heard his voice since then, and we hadn’t made any solid plans to see each other.

Was it my fault? Had I done all the wrong things? I was too afraid to ask. I wasn’t ready to hear I was the one responsible for his life taking a bad turn.

Angling my tires away from the curb, I set my parking brake and then stepped out of the car. Luckily, my street didn’t have too much of an incline. I wasn’t ancient yet, but my hips were starting to feel a little arthritic, and I wanted to make this place my home for a long, long while.

I stared at the front of the townhouse and sighed. I could hear the bay behind me, lapping at the shore. I could smell brine on the breeze, and somewhere in the distance, someone was cooking something with a fish sauce that reminded me I was starving and hadn’t eaten well over the last few days. My appetite was shot after the whole thing with Bean.

I’d come home to clean up the half-cooked mess, and it was all I could do not to burst into tears. He’d scared the shit out of me, but what was worse was being so in the dark. I liked him. There was no denying it now. It was more than friendship, but that wasn’t what terrified me. It was the idea of letting him down.

I damn well knew the issues with Gio hadn’t been my fault. Not entirely. I said over and over that he and I weren’t just on different pages, we were in different books—and I was the stubborn one who had tried to make it work for longer than I should have.

But there’d been no saving our marriage. We were fundamentally incompatible, and it didn’t help that he was a raging asshole about it. We hadn’t talked much, but he hadn’t made the split very easy on me. It was almost like he got pleasure out of knowing I was hurting.

Ivy had said more than once that Gio wasn’t actually polyamorous.She was certain he was a narcissist and using it as a way to make me feel insecure and unloved in my own home.

“People who love more than one person don’t treat their partners the way he treats you. That’s emotional abuse, Jarek, whether or not you want to use that word.”

And I hated that she was right, but she was.We had plenty of friends in open marriages, and none of them were as miserable as I’d been or as unkind as Gio had been.So all that made me was a fool.

My only saving grace was that I hadn’t seen Gio since before the divorce. And that was something I could live with. The old, tender wounds would eventually heal, and someday, I’d forget the exact color of his eyes or what his cologne smelled like.And if I was very lucky, those memories would be replaced with an adorable Army veteran who always made me feel good about myself.

But I wasn’t brave enough to hope just yet.

Pulling the keys out of my pocket, I walked up to the front door and unlocked it. The place smelled overwhelmingly of chemicals—like fresh paint, lacquer, and whatever they used to seal the floor. And it didn’t look like my place at all.

At least, not the hovel I’d bought that needed to be gutted and redone. The holes in the walls were gone, and while the kitchen was nothing but empty space apart from a sink and one hanging cabinet, I could see what it was becoming.

A home. Or something like it.

My throat went a little tight as I turned in a circle. The stairs still looked pretty rickety, so I decided not to risk going up, but my bedroom was on the first floor. I peered through the heavy cherrywood French doors and could easily picture my things in there.

A new bed—which I desperately needed. A set of furniture that was all mine without Gio giving me shit about my tastes. I could hang whatever art I wanted and make space for my friends to come visit.

My life was finally starting to feel like it belonged to only me.

“Wow, I didn’t think you had it in you.”

At the sound of an unwanted, familiar voice, I spun on my heel. Bile rose in the back of my throat when the silhouette in the front doorway became clear. Gio was smirking as the heels of his designer shoes clicked on the hardwood, and he sniffed, looking back and forth.

“What the…? How…?” It took me a moment to recover. “How did you find me?”

He lifted a brow. “Baby?—”

“ Don’t call me that.And answer the question.”

“You never deleted Life360,” he said with a shrug.

My heart sank to my feet. Fuck, he was right. He was right ! I hadn’t even thought about that. God, I was such a moron. I fought the urge to reach for my phone and do it now, but I didn’t want to give him the satisfaction of seeing me rattled.

Though by the look on his face, it was obvious I was. “I figured it was an invitation.”

I stared at him in shock. “You…you cannot be serious.”

He shrugged and walked over to the fireplace, dragging his finger around one of the exposed bricks. I knew he hated it. It was one of the reasons I wanted it. “I mean, that’s how we used to track our hookups.”

“I’m not your hookup,” I said, stepping away from him as he started to cross the room toward me. “Why are you here?”

“You blocked my number and my email.”

“And that wasn’t your big clue that the last thing I wanted was for you to show up here unannounced?” I felt violated and angry. I bought this place to get away from him—to erase the last vestiges of his presence in my life. And here he was, stomping all over my fresh start.

Fuck.

“You know I love a game of cat and mouse,” he said with a wink.

I squared my shoulders. I was done. I was so goddamn done. “Listen—” Before I could finish, my phone began to buzz. Unthinking, I pulled it out, and my heart skipped a beat when I saw Bean’s name on the screen.

I didn’t know if it was the best idea to answer with Gio in the room, but Bean was so much more important than him.

“Hey, sunshine.”

“ Sunshine ?” Gio parroted behind me.

I stormed into the kitchen as Bean laughed. “Are you at work?”

“No. I’m at my townhouse. You okay? I wasn’t sure if you were well enough to talk.”

“I’m feeling a lot better,” Bean said. He sounded like he was smiling. “I did a half-shift today—just got off the lunch rush and feel a lot better. My doctor upped my seizure medication dose, and I’m trying a new treatment for the migraines, which doesn’t make me feel like a zombie all day.”

I smiled, leaning against the wall beside the sliding door. I could see Gio hovering in my periphery, but it was easy to tune him out with Bean’s voice in my ear. “So glad to hear it, sweetheart. You had me worried.”

“Oh. That’s so cute ,” Gio said, swooping in close.

There was a pause, and then Bean said, “Are you…with your brother?”

I cringed. I wasn’t going to lie to Bean, but I also wasn’t going to tell him everything with Gio right there. “Can I see you soon?”

Bean was quiet again. “Um.”

“Today? Right now, if you’re free?”

“You sound busy?—”

“I’m not busy. I’m just dealing with a giant pain-in-the-ass situation, and I want to tell you all about it,” I promised. “I really want to see you.”

“Okay.” Bean let out a soft sigh. “I’d like that. I’ll wait here for you.”

“I can’t wait. Be there soon.” I hung up, then turned a hard stare onto Gio, who actually looked a little…I couldn’t say hurt, but maybe disappointed.

He recovered quickly, and I saw him try to go for my soft underbelly of feelings. “Finally found someone sorry enough to?—”

“No,” I said, stopping him from being able to finish his sentence. “I’m not doing this with you. I’m not even going to entertain whatever fucked-up idea you have in your head that we’re going to stay in each other’s lives in any capacity. You made it very clear how much you respected me.”

“Baby—”

“ I said stop calling me that ,” I told him so firmly, his jaw snapped shut. That was satisfying. “I’ve moved on. This is my new home—a place you aren’t welcome, and I’ll have you arrested for trespassing if you show up here again. I’ll be deleting any apps you think you can track me on, and if you follow me ever again, I’ll make you sorry for it. I know people. You know I do.”

He studied me, and it took a moment, but I saw the way his shoulders fell and knew it had finally sunk in. It was over. I didn’t love him now and couldn’t even remember the last time I had.

My future was not with him.

I didn’t know if it was with the man currently waiting on me, but I could only hope it was. And that was another thing—there was finally room for that too. For faith and hope that things would work out. That I wasn’t old, washed up, and too used to be loved the way I wanted to be.

“I’ll show you out,” I said, and when I gestured for the front door, he didn’t linger.

That part of my life was officially, totally, and completely over.

And as much as I knew it wasn’t a game, it still felt like I won.

Bean was quiet on the drive to the rental, and I could feel the tension between us. I wanted to have a conversation with him, but not in the car. He deserved my full attention. I waited for him after shutting the engine off, and we walked inside together.

The last time we’d been here, it had all gone to hell, and I wasn’t sure how much of it he remembered.

“Did I leave a mess?” Bean asked softly.

I frowned. “What do you mean?”

“Uh…my seizure. I’d written down that we had a cooking lesson, and I’m pretty sure we didn’t finish it.”

I couldn’t help a small laugh as I led him to the couch. We sat a cushion apart, which felt like an entire ocean, but I wanted to give us both room to get back to where we had been. “There wasn’t much of a mess. You were halfway through showing me how to make chicken and dumplings.”

“Oh,” he said, looking a little sad. “I have a great dumpling recipe.”

“It looked good, but I wasn’t brave enough to try it on my own. I thought—I hoped —you’d feel well enough to show me again.”

He grimaced. “I’m not sure I feel up for more kitchen stuff today.”

“Oh, sweetheart,” I said in a rush. “That isn’t what I meant. My appetite has been pretty crap since I last saw you anyway.”

He looked devastated. “Because of me?”

“I was worried. I mean, I knew you were fine. The paramedics reassured me, and Nash called to let me know it all went okay. But I wasn’t sure I handled everything the way you needed me to.”

His ears pinked with a blush. “To be honest, I don’t remember if you did or not. I didn’t get an ambulance bill, so that was a plus. But, uh…” He trailed off and shrugged.

I reached for him but pulled back when I realized I wasn’t sure I had permission anymore. “Can I?—”

He took my hand in a rush before I could finish, tugging me close enough that our thighs were pressed together. It felt warm and comfortable and right. I closed my eyes as I leaned in, breathing in his scent. He smelled like a kitchen, and I never thought that would be so attractive, but god, it was.

I was falling so hard.

I needed to tell him how I felt. I knew that. But now was not the right time.

“So, when we talked earlier, that person with you?—”

“That was my ex,” I said. He stiffened and pulled back, and I let him go. “I had an old app on my phone—Life360?”

“We all use that,” Bean said quietly.

“We used it for everyday stuff, but also for…for when we were out on hookups,” I confessed, glancing away. “I haven’t used it in years, and I kind of forgot about it. I blocked Gio on everything after the divorce hearing, but I forgot that was on my phone. He tracked me to my new place and let himself in.”

Bean’s eyes widened. “Without knocking?”

I almost laughed. It was fucking adorable that he was so affronted by Gio’s bad manners. I hoped to god they never met. I would ruin Gio before he could open his mouth, but I also didn’t trust him not to find a way to hurt Bean before I got the chance to shut him up.

“He’s not a good guy.”

Bean frowned at me. “I don’t know how someone like you ended up with someone like that.”

I sighed, leaning back, and looked toward the ceiling. “It’s complicated. I was insecure and lonely growing up. When I first realized I was gay, the world wasn’t like it is now. Celebrities were out, but gay marriage wasn’t legal, and the military was?—”

“Oh. Yeah,” Bean said softly. “I know.”

I smiled so he’d know I wasn’t angry about it. “Things changed in this sudden avalanche—and I think Gio and I rushed to get married just to prove we could. I’d always wanted a husband, and he wanted to stick double middle fingers to all the bigots who wouldn’t let us live our lives the way we wanted. It took me a while to realize he would have married anyone that day.”

Bean shifted a little closer. “I’m sorry.”

“No. It is what it is. It took time to find the courage to admit that he and I would never be compatible. There was no middle ground for us. The only option we had was one of us was happy while the other sacrificed everything we needed to be content.”

“And you were the one who gave up everything,” Bean said.

I swallowed thickly. “I know that makes me sound weak. Maybe I am?—”

“Oh my good goose,” he said, grabbing my hand. His words made me grin in spite of the way I was feeling. He lifted my knuckles to his lips and kissed them. He let it linger until I was warm all over. “You’re not weak. You put up with me.”

I rolled my eyes and tugged at him until he flopped over my lap, and I arranged him the way I wanted. His weight was perfect and heavy against my thighs, and I wrapped my arms around his waist. “First of all, there’s no putting up with you. There’s being with you, enjoying you, wanting you.” Loving you , I added silently. I swallowed around the heaviness of those words. “You’re not hard to be with.”

“I’m complicated,” he argued.

I snorted. “We’re all complicated. I’m on the back end of middle age with arthritis, no ability to cook for myself, and self- esteem that’s only just broken sea level. Your problems are more present sometimes, but that doesn’t make you difficult.”

He looked like he wanted to say more, but instead, he leaned in to kiss me. Bean didn’t always take the lead, so I let him guide me into what he wanted. But as he began to rock against me, I realized I wasn’t hard.

I felt good about the way I left things with Gio, but there were still scars, and they were stinging. I gentled the kiss, then pulled back and licked my lips. “Sweetness, I know it’s against the rules?—”

Bean raised a brow at me.

“And I know we make our own rules,” I said, quoting myself, “but I…shit.”

“What is it?” he whispered.

“I don’t want you to take this the wrong way.”

I felt him stiffen. “Just say it. Please.”

I bowed my head and nodded. “I don’t think I can have sex tonight. I know I shouldn’t have invited you over if we weren’t going to go there, but seeing Gio kind of fucked with me and being with you makes it better.I know that makes me selfish, and I will happily take you home if that’s what you want.”

“Hey.” Bean put a finger under my chin and forced me to look up at him. “Friends with benefits, right?”

“Yes.”

“It doesn’t always have to come together, does it? We can have the friends part on its own, can’t we?”

Something in me cracked and I gave in to the urge to yank him close and bury my face against his chest. “Yeah.”

He laughed softly, stroking his fingers through my hair. “You’ve been there enough for me. Let me return the favor.”

“You sure you’re okay to do that?”

Bean eased me back so I could look into his eyes when he answered. “I’m feeling much better, and the fact that I can do this for you means everything to me.”

You mean everything to me , I thought. I wished I could say the words, and maybe I would. Maybe even soon. But for now, I was going to be selfish and take this. To bask in it for as long as I was allowed.

After a moment, he kissed me again, then pulled back to ask, “So, know any places with decent chicken and dumplings we could order from?”

I burst into laughter, falling onto my side and taking him with me. I hauled him in close and, this time, took my own kiss. “I’m sure we can find something. Right now, all I want is to hold you. Is that okay?”

His face did something complicated, then his cheeks pinked, and he nodded before resting his forehead against my shoulder. “Yeah. That sounds really nice.”

And god help me, but it was the best feeling I’d ever had.