Chapter 12

12

The next morning, Mack and I help with feeding the chickens and collecting eggs before breakfast, but there are so many other people hanging around the farm now that there are no more chores for us to do.

Instead, by midmorning, we’re lingering in the front yard, waiting for Cal and Rachel to arrive with whomever else they recruited.

As soon as they get here, Maria will gather everyone to go over the plan. After that, Mack will leave for the cabin in The Wild.

Neither one of us has talked about what happened between us last night. I have no idea what to say about it, and I’m not sure it’s even worth doing since Mack is so set on leaving.

He loves me. It’s not entirely a surprise, but the confirmation matters to me. It mends something broken in my heart. But if he can’t commit to me, commit to life, then his love doesn’t change anything else about our situation.

I love him too, but I always have. And it’s only now I’m understanding that having everything with him is something I want.

Too late.

The universe is rarely kind, and I’ve long since given up expecting miracles. It’s enough I’ve been able to have Mack in my life for so many years. It would be silly to expect anything more.

Those are my meditations as I sit next to Mack on the same large tree stump where I found Chloe and Jimmy yesterday. He’s just as quiet and contemplative as I am, but he also seems restless. Oddly jittery.

Mack has never been a jittery man.

After a long stretch of time, I reach over to rub his thick thigh over the army fatigues he’s wearing. The trousers are threadbare now, worn thin and soft.

“I’m okay,” Mack mutters, evidently reading my mind.

“Okay.”

“I am. Just can’t sit still.”

“I know the feeling. I’ve always hated this moment. Right before we move out on a mission. The tension of it. The uncertainty. The last gasp before the plunge.”

He leans forward like he’s trying to take a deep breath. “Yeah.”

I squeeze his knee. “But you usually aren’t this antsy. ”

“I know. It feels different. Since I’m not gonna… Maybe I should suck it up and help.”

I shoot him a quick look. “Only if that’s really what you want to do.”

“It’s not. I honestly don’t want anything to do with… with violence… with fighting… ever again.” His handsome face twists with reined-in feeling. “But that’s no way to exist in this world.”

“Maybe not entirely. But you don’t have to go seeking it. There are other people who can take your place. You’ve done more than your share for way, way too long. You don’t have to do everything.”

He moves his mouth, but it’s more a restless gesture than an attempt to speak. Finally he breathes out, “I guess.”

I move my hand to his shoulder and squeeze the tight muscles there. When he sighs, I slide my fingers over to massage behind his neck.

He lets me work on him for a few minutes. Then he finally straightens up and turns his head toward me. “I’d feel better if you weren’t rushing off into danger while I’m sitting on the sidelines.”

“You know why I have to do this,” I murmur.

“Yeah. I know. But I still don’t like it. I want…”

When he doesn’t finish the thought, I can’t help but prompt, “You want what?”

“I want… I don’t even know what I want.”

“I know the feeling.” I lean over to press a kiss on his cheek. Then his mouth. “I think all we can do is the best we can in whatever situation we find ourselves. We do our best to make the right choices—and sometimes those are the only choices that don’t tear us apart. So I think it’s best for you to stick with your choices until another route calls to you so strongly you can’t ignore it. Then you can change course. But don’t keep second-guessing yourself unless you’re purposefully ignoring what you know is right.”

He nods as if what I’ve said has really gotten through to him.

“And I’ve never known you to ignore what you know is right,” I add.

He huffs dryly. “What about seven weeks ago when you showed up at the cabin for the first time?”

I can’t help but giggle as I lean my head against his shoulder. “Well, you might have ignored what was right for a little while, but it didn’t last long. You took me in even though everything inside you didn’t want it. You followed me when I left to make sure I was safe even though you didn’t have to. And you were plunged right back into violence because you did the right thing. You shouldn’t ever doubt yourself, Mack. You make the right choice more often than anyone else I’ve ever known.”

He wraps an arm around me as if he’s seeking as well as giving comfort. “I want to keep doing it,” he says hoarsely.

“You will. ”

We sit like that for a while, and I feel better than I have all morning. Until Mack finally says in a different tone, “Are you sure I can’t snatch you up, haul you away like a caveman, and carry you back into The Wild?”

I giggle because I know he’s mostly teasing. “That’s probably not the best choice in this particular circumstance.”

“I didn’t think so.”

“But maybe…” I’m not sure exactly what I was going to suggest, and I don’t get the chance to find out. Because the sound of an engine breaks the quiet morning, and a familiar old pickup truck rattles into sight on the road in front of the farm.

Mack and I both stand up as the truck turns onto the driveway. It heads toward the house, so we walk across the grass in the same direction, waving back at Rachel, who is leaning over Cal’s big body in the front seat so she can greet us enthusiastically.

There are a bunch of people gathered in the truck bed. Most of them I recognize from New Haven, Halbrook, or the bunker community, but there’s a couple who were sitting in the front with Cal and Rachel and now climbing out whom I’ve never met.

He’s incredibly good-looking with a lean build and golden hair, and she’s beautiful and vibrant even from this distance with glowing red hair and a smile like sunshine.

“They’re from out east,” Mack says, noticing the couple at the same time I do. “When we took down that big criminal stronghold a couple years back. What the hell are they doing all the way out here?”

I wasn’t there for that particular mission although under normal circumstances I would have wanted to help. That was shortly after Mack and I broke up, and I was trying to give us both some space, so I stayed at New Haven while he drove out to western Virginia with Cal, Rachel, and the others.

Rachel runs over to hug me and Mack, and then I walk over to greet grinning, freckled Ham and the other people I know who are jumping down from the back of the truck.

Mack steps over to speak to the couple from out east, and after a few minutes I join him.

“This is Breanna,” Mack says. “And Aidan.”

“It’s nice to meet you,” I say with a smile, shaking both their hands in turn. “You came all the way out this far to help?”

“Yes.” Breanna is as gorgeous as I’ve always wanted to be with her true red hair and vivid blue eyes, and she seems genuinely friendly and possesses an air of brisk confidence it’s hard not to envy. “A lot of y’all came a long way to help us when we needed it, so it’s only fair that we return the favor.”

“We were already traveling in Kentucky,” Aidan puts in, surprising me by speaking in a pleasant, cultured English accent. He lost one of his hands at some point in the past. The cuff of his left sleeve is hanging empty. “Visiting and looking to trade goods. So the timing worked out well for us to lend a hand.” He clears his throat. “So to speak.”

I giggle at his almost imperceptible wink. “Well, we’re grateful. Thank you so much.”

We chat for a few more minutes, and I keep glancing up at Mack because he’s not saying anything.

He’s always been social. Friendly. Offering advice and encouragement and support and good feeling to anyone he meets.

But right now he looks like he’d rather be anywhere else but here.

Four hours later, I walk out of the house with Mack and head down to where we left the ATV yesterday.

He’s leaving. And my chest might actually crack in two.

We’ve spent the past few hours in discussion with Maria and the others, working out the details of her plan to attack the headquarters she has located. We’ll start at dawn tomorrow, and hopefully by midday the deed will be done.

But Mack won’t be part of it. He needs to leave now so he can make it back to the cabin before dark.

There’s a chill in the air, so I’m wearing my jacket. Mack, as usual, has on short sleeves and doesn’t appear to notice the temperature .

We’ve been quiet ever since he murmured against my ear back in the house that it was time for him to take off. He didn’t tell anyone else or draw attention to his departure. I know he wants to slip away unnoticed.

When we reach the quad, Mack stows his stuff away and then straightens up, gazing down at me.

“Well,” I say, trying to smile even though I’m suddenly close to tears.

He nods, not a trace of a smile on his mouth or in his eyes. “I could stay until tomorrow morning if you need me to.”

“No. I don’t want you to do that.” At his questioning look, I explain, “You want to leave now, so that’s what you should do. And I really don’t want you to end up getting railroaded into helping, which could possibly happen if you stay through the night. You need to leave now. Please be careful on your way back.”

“I will.” He leans down to press a very soft kiss against my lips. “You be careful too. Don’t you dare die.”

“I’ll try not to. I think I have a relatively safe position.”

I’m not going to be part of the direct frontal assault with Maria and her crew. Me, Cal, Rachel, Breanna, Aidan and a few of the others will sneak around the back of the building so we can catch anyone trying to retreat, while two other groups will cover the sides.

“Maybe. But we don’t really know their numbers. It’s possible a force could come from behind you, and then y’all will be trapped like sitting ducks. ”

“I guess that could happen, but are they really that organized? They don’t know we’re coming.”

“Yeah. That’s true.” Mack still looks worried. Brooding.

Maria’s plan is a good one. No one can question that—not even Mack. But still… There’s nothing certain or predictable about a situation like this.

Anything could happen.

I could die. Any one of us could.

All of us could die.

I’m not as afraid of dying as I am of never seeing Mack again. My face twists as I try to control the flood of emotion. “I love you, Mack,” I manage to say, reaching up to slide my hands around his neck so I can hold him loosely.

My words have an effect. Every bit as much as they did last night. His face, his whole body, twitches briefly in reaction. “I love you too, angel. You know I do.”

I nod and swallow and fight tears all at the same time. “I hate that this keeps happening to us. That it can’t be… it can’t be easier for us. That we can’t just be together.”

His eyes squeeze shut, and his shoulders shake a few times. It takes a minute for him to recover enough to say, “I know. I hate it too.”

“But I think it’s… it’s right to keep following our separate roads since they’re the right roads for us. And maybe one day…” I can’t hold back the tears any longer. A few slide down my cheeks and then my neck. “Maybe one day our roads will come back together. ”

“I hope so,” he murmurs. He leans down to kiss me, soft, seeking, and desperate.

I respond, reaching for all the warmth and strength and peace and joy I’ve always found in him.

I still do—no matter how much both of us have changed. Mack will always be that person for me.

We kiss for a long time until he finally pulls back. He’s breathing heavily as he stares down at me. “Okay.”

“Okay.” I rub my lips, which are still tingling from his mouth.

“I should go now.”

“Yeah. You should go.”

He can’t seem to move. “I’m leaving.”

“All right. Be safe.”

It takes another minute and what looks like a massive effort for him to finally wrench himself away from me. He steps awkwardly over to the quad bike and swings his leg over to settle on the seat.

I squeeze his shoulder and step back. And I’m crying again when he meets my gaze with one more jerky nod.

Then he starts the engine and puts it in drive. Accelerates so quickly the vehicle lurches forward.

He drives away, leaving me standing alone.

I wake up before dawn the following morning when Langley leans over and touches my shoulder .

The afternoon before, I gave up my nice guestroom to Breanna and Aidan, who traveled farther than anyone else to help. Instead, I camped out with Maria and the others, reconnecting with my old friends and trying to distract myself from Mack’s absence.

People keep asking me about him, and I keep saying he can’t help us with no further explanation. No one appears angry or disappointed with Mack, but they’re confused. They don’t understand. And it’s upsetting that everyone keeps bringing him up.

I’m trying to be strong, and constantly thinking about Mack is making that difficult.

I’m surprised I slept as well as I did on my blanket by a large campfire outside. But I spent years traveling and living with Maria and these women, and it’s not as hard as I might have expected to fall back into the pattern. I’m not even groggy when Langley wakes me. I smile and thank her for the assist.

My back is sore from lying on the ground, and my eyes are aching strangely. But otherwise I feel okay aside from the heaviness in my heart that’s entirely due to Mack’s absence. I go through a simple morning routine and accept a breakfast sandwich. I’m French braiding my hair and winding it around my head to get it out of the way when Cal and Rachel find me.

They slept in the house, and they’re both in their no-nonsense business mode. But their familiar presence is comforting nonetheless, and I’m happy to hang out with them as we wait for the others in our group to join us.

Aidan and Breanna appear shortly afterward. Breanna is smiling and holding Aidan’s hand like they’re going on a date instead of into battle. They chat with me pleasantly, and Aidan makes me laugh with his dry, clever commentary on what he’s seen of the criminals in this region.

Jimmy strides over while we’re chatting, wearing two guns in holsters at his hips, one at his ankle and a large rifle strapped to his back. It doesn’t matter that he has a two-week-old infant at home. It’s his home region that is under threat, so he has to fight. Both his parents arrive a few minutes after him and complete our group.

I really hope I’m as strong and confident as Greta when I’m in my fifties. As capable of defending my home.

We pile into Cal’s truck since we’re taking it part of the way to cover distance quickly and get into position well before Maria’s main force launches their attack.

Once Cal parks his pickup and we all get out, I stop processing details. The world narrows down to nothing more than the next step I take and the one after that.

Everyone is fairly quiet now, but I know some of the others say things. But I can’t focus on conversation. Or our surroundings. Or anything except the few feet in front of me as I walk.

Eventually we get to the small wooded area we’ve been aiming for, so we’re not as vulnerable as out in the open. I’ve never been to this section of the border before. Outside the trees, there are more buildings, like this used to be a real town. But most of the structures are burned out or collapsed. The smoking ruins after a war.

We hike the edge of the tree line for a couple of minutes until we reach our intended position at the back of a large brick building that’s still in good shape. It looks like it used to be an office building in the old world, but now it’s guarded and barricaded with guards posted around its perimeter.

This must be the headquarters as Maria deduced. I’ve never in my life seen a single building this well guarded.

I have no idea how we’re going to possibly do this.

That’s my last thought before Cal gestures me into place behind a tree. I take my position and keep my gun at the ready, although we should have a while before anything happens.

I hope Mack’s okay.

I hope he made it back to the cabin safely and he’s not beating himself up about his decision to do what was best for him.

I hope he’s not too upset that I needed to do this instead of staying with him.

I hope… I hope one day things might be different. That we won’t keep getting torn apart.

Picturing his face, hearing his laughter, makes me feel better. Helps clear some of the blur in my mind. So I keep doing it as we wait in silence while minute after minute passes with interminable slowness .

Until finally I hear the faint sound of a whistle. It might have been a bird, but I know it’s not. Cal stiffens and gestures toward the others. I’m already straightening up and pulling my gun out of its holster.

It’s beginning.

Nothing actually happens for what feels like another long time. But eventually we start hearing sounds in the distance. Then a lot of gunfire. Shouting and activity. We see nothing from our position around the back until suddenly a deafening siren starts blaring.

It’s like the tornado sirens they used to sound in my small mountain town before Impact. Some sort of alert intended to be heard over the distance. It’s startling and concerning, and the fact of it might shift the power balance in this fight.

They’re summoning help. Reinforcements. And we were counting on them not being able to do that.

There’s nothing to do to stop it now. We’re in the midst of it. I glance over and meet Rachel’s eyes. Then Jimmy’s. He looks determined, unshakable. But he left his wife and newborn baby at home this morning.

My heart aches for him—and for everyone else. I pray silently, fervently, that we’re not all going to end up dead before the end of the day.

Before I can even get to the last line of my prayer, people start running out of the back of the building. It’s not clear whether they’re trying to escape or hoping to come around and flank Maria’s group. Either way, they fail. Because we start firing from our mostly protected position, and the bad guys drop one by one. I shoot four of them. I keep count.

If it weren’t for that damn siren, it would almost have felt easy. Some of the criminals do finally organize themselves enough to begin firing at us, but they don’t have any luck at hitting us through the cover of these trees.

After a while, the sound of fighting in the building transitions. It’s not as fierce. The gunshots are less frequent. The group Ham is leading on the right side of the building closes in, picking off stragglers. Then I see Maria herself coming out the back door of the building. She waves her hand in our direction.

“They got ’em,” Cal announces. “They musta got ’em all. Someone needs to turn off that fuckin’ siren.”

I really wish they would. It’s hard to feel victorious about a relatively easy victory when that sound is still blaring, summoning who knows what help.

Cal is leading our small group, and he gestures us forward, out of the trees.

I’m oddly reluctant to leave the shelter of the woods, but there’s no reason not to. Maria’s group clearly has control of the building, and the leaders inside are either captured or dead.

Most likely dead.

Rachel meets my eyes with a shrug. Maybe it really can be this easy.

We’ve gotten into the yard in the back of the building. Cal is saying something to Maria. Rose comes out of the building just then, grinning when she sees me. She gives me a cheesy thumbs-up.

I feel something slicing through the air beside me even before I hear the shot. Rose jerks oddly and falls to the ground. I stare the blood on her shirt, momentarily too stunned to even move even though I know I should.

Then someone—Jimmy, I think—pushes me to the ground behind an old industrial-size AC compressor. Maria is shouting, “Take cover! They’re behind us!”

I’m winded and confused and terrified as I straighten up onto my knees, keeping low beside Jimmy behind the protection of the big mechanical unit. I peer to my left and see Cal and Rachel still out in the open. He’s basically on top of her, using his own body as a shield.

I knew it was too easy.

That’s all I can think.

More bad guys are gathering at the tree line, called into action by that damned siren. If we were still in our former positions behind the trees, we would have been completely massacred. As it is, we’re at a huge disadvantage.

They have the high ground now. They have the cover from the trees. And there are way too many of them.

Jimmy and I have started shooting from behind the compressor, but I can barely see who I’m aiming at because of the trees. I dart a quick, panicked look over at Cal and Rachel and am relieved that Aidan has shifted one of the gang’s big motorcycles into neutral and rolled it over to provide the other couple some cover.

I can’t focus on them anymore as we’re now under even more intense fire. It’s all I can do to keep shooting mostly blind and repeatedly duck my head to keep it from being shot off.

We’re not going to make it.

The bleak conclusion slams down on me like a crushing weight. I know it for sure. I can sense the reality of it in the air.

I glance over at Jimmy beside me, and he meets my eyes for just a second. I can see the knowledge on his face too. The reality of it. The grief of it.

He loves Chloe so much. And he’s only known his son for two weeks.

I can’t even see Greta and Ben anymore. For all I know, Jimmy’s parents are already dead.

It’s strange that it’s Jimmy I’m with at the end. He’s almost a stranger to me, but I want to cry for him anyway.

And for Mack. For what he’ll feel when he learns that I’m dead. And Cal and Rachel. Maria. So many of the people he loves.

It’s terrible. The very worst thing. Feeling what he’ll feel. I keep shooting even as my body wracks with silent sobs.

There seem to be even more bad guys now, and they’re shooting at us from all sides. We’ve made it through so many fights over the years, but there’s no way we can overcome this.

It’s over.

Everything is over.

And I’m going to die crouched behind a long-useless AC compressor beside Jimmy Carlson.

It should have been Mack.

It makes no sense that it’s not Mack beside me right now.

There’s nothing to do but reload quickly and keep shooting, but it’s Mack I’m seeing in my mind—his kind eyes and his warm smile and his big, tender hands and uninhibited laughter.

I had him in my life for longer than I deserved, and I’ve at least tried to do something worthwhile with my days. I would have liked to teach Jane Austen again or Tennyson or Shakespeare. I would have liked to hug Mack one more time. I would have liked to one day have his baby.

But it’s enough.

The end is closing in on me now, so it will have to be enough.