Chapter Thirteen

RYAN COULDN’Tresist the temptation to make Dylan blush. He’d never considered himself a flirt, but there was something about Dylan that made him want to be the one who made him smile and laugh. He’d become addicted to it. Small moments like the one in the hospital hallway outside Leo’s room became something he craved.

They’d brought Leo home two days ago and fell into a routine. Dylan spent the mornings with Rebecca and Leo, working with him on small academic tasks that would keep him caught up when it was time to go back to school. Dylan made lesson plans with Rebecca for Leo for when Dylan returned to LA. Ryan worked in his home office in the morning, and they all had lunch together. Then they spent the afternoon keeping Leo entertained as they waited for his body to accept the new cells from Dylan’s bone marrow.

It felt like everyone was collectively holding their breath, waiting.

The house was quiet now. Leo was asleep. Mrs. Lieu was out for her monthly book club meeting. Rebecca was in her room watching a movie, leaving Ryan to seek Dylan.

He found him on the patio, sitting by the fire pit with a blanket wrapped around his shoulders. Even in the moonlight, Ryan could still see the faint shadows under his eyes.

“Hey. Do you mind if I join you?”

“I hope it’s okay that I turned it on,” Dylan said, pointing to the flames.

“Dylan, you don’t have to ask. Of course it’s okay.” Ryan sat down on the long outdoor sofa next to him. “Are you okay?” he asked, noticing Dylan’s gloomy expression.

“I’m going to miss him,” Dylan said with a slight quiver in his voice. “I didn’t think it would be so hard to leave.”

“Then don’t.” Dylan turned to him with wide eyes. “Stay for the rest of the summer. You’ve been wonderful tutoring Leo. If you stay, you’ll be able to help him so that he won’t be behind when school starts. He doesn’t want you to go and—” He swallowed. “—I don’t want you to go either. I… it’s been nice having you here. To feel like a family again.”

“I-I’m not sure, Ryan.” Dylan looked at him, his expression clouded with uncertainty. “I can’t replace her, you know that, right? I know we’re twins, but I’m not—” He pressed his mouth closed, blinking rapidly.

Ryan grabbed his arm. “I know that, and I don’t want you to be. That’s why I want you to stay, because you’re different from Lindsay and her parents. I want Leo to know that he has family, an uncle who is loving and accepting.”

“I need time to think about it. The time I’ve had with Leo means a lot to me. But staying in this house filled with memories of my sister, I don’t feel any connection to her. It’s strange because she was my twin, but I don’t feel any sadness or loss. What kind of person does that make me?”

“I wonder what kind of person I am for feeling the same way. Lindsay was my wife, the mother of my child, and while there’s a hole in my heart, it’s a void that doesn’t come from missing her. Since the accident I’ve been on a roller coaster. Some days I’m angry, some I’m sad, others relieved, but I haven’t missed her. What does that say about me?”

“I’m sorry,” Dylan whispered.

Ryan couldn’t stop himself from reaching for Dylan’s hand. He needed contact. Every time he touched Dylan, he felt grounded. Without thinking, he moved closer and wrapped his arm around Dylan’s shoulder. Side by side, they stared into the flames, the heat from their bodies mingling with the heat from the flames. Dylan shuddered and dropped his chin to his chest.

“I’ll stay,” he said in a small voice.

Ryan fought the urge to wrap both his arms around him. He wanted to hold Dylan closer, haul him into his lap and…. he was hard as a rock. It hit him so fast he grunted.

“Are you okay?”

No, he wasn’t okay. Feelings both physical and emotional engulfed him, threatening to drown him. For the first time, he couldn’t put his feelings aside. They were too close to the surface to push down anymore and too big to ignore. He shifted, angling his body away, but he couldn’t bring himself to let Dylan go.

“Thank you.” He’d been saying those words to Dylan a lot. Only “thank you” didn’t express his emotions. How did you express gratitude to someone who gave so much, some of it without even knowing? How do you thank someone who brought you to life when you didn’t know you were dead? “It means a lot to Leo and to me to have you here. We… care about you. You’re important to us.”

To me.

Dylan stifled a yawn. “Sorry, I’m still tired more than I usually am.”

“I’ve been worried about you.”

“You don’t have to worry about me. The doctor said I might feel like this for a while. It’s totally fine.”

Dylan got up, and Ryan stood also. “I’m going to bed.”

Ryan wanted to follow him, climb into bed, and hold Dylan while he slept.

“I’m going to stay out here a little longer. These summer nights go by quickly.”

Dylan looked up at the sky. “I bet away from the city light, the stars are even more amazing.”

“I’ll take you somewhere you can see them before the summer’s over.”

Was it the emotion in his voice that made Dylan’s breath catch? Ryan’s eyes locked with Dylan’s, silently begging for understanding, unsure of how to take the first step and fearing what would follow.

“I should go,” Dylan murmured.

Ryan could only nod and watch Dylan walk back into the house. As soon as he was out of sight, Ryan sat down and dropped his head in his hands. What was he doing? Did he really want a physical relationship with a man? Without hesitation he knew the answer was yes. He’d been questioning his feelings, his needs and desires, since he met Dylan. For a long time, he’d wondered if he was asexual. Except he’d been attracted to people before. His first crush, a boy in the second grade. Another boy in junior high. When his sister teased him about how he was always talking about his friend Sam, he saw the sharp look in his father’s eyes and knew what he felt was wrong. By the time he began questioning those beliefs, he was married with a child. Demisexual would have fit, except his attraction to Dylan was immediate and so strong it took his breath away.

He lifted his head and clasped his hands tightly in his lap, staring into the flames. “I think I’m gay,” he whispered.

He held his breath for a few moments and then exhaled. Saying it out loud wasn’t as scary as he thought it would be. Whispering it to himself alone in the dark wasn’t the same thing as telling your friends and family. Or Dylan.

He looked across the lake. It wasn’t too late. Jumping up, he went into the house, grabbed his car keys, and drove across the bridge.

“Ryan, what are you doing here? Is everything okay?” Joy Anderson asked, opening the door wide to usher him into the house.

“Sorry to barge in on you like this. I-I wanted to talk to someone, and you and Jason, well, you’re the only friends I have.” He shook his head. “God, that sounds pathetic, doesn’t it?”

Joy gave him a sympathetic smile. “I’m glad you came. Jason’s in the living room. Come on in. I’ll get you something to drink, and then we can sit and talk.”

Ryan didn’t sit. Instead he almost wore a hole in the carpet while he paced and spilled out everything he’d been thinking and feeling. Eventually he dropped into a chair facing Jason and Joy, who’d been sitting on the couch listening without comment.

“I’m sorry. That was a mess.”

Jason got up, walked over, and grabbed his hand, pulling Ryan up into a bear hug. “Thanks for trusting us. I’m so fucking proud of you, man.”

When he pulled away, it surprised Ryan to see tears in Jason’s eyes. “Since I’ve known you, it’s always seemed like you”—Jason put his hand over Ryan’s heart—“had this void.”

Ryan blinked back tears and nodded. “Me too.”

Joy came over and Ryan found himself sandwiched in a group hug. “We love you and hope you know you can always count on us to listen and support you.”

“Thank you,” he said with a teary laugh, wiping his eyes. “You’re the first people I’ve told. I don’t know if or when I’m going to tell anyone else.”

“But you’re going to tell Dylan, right?” Joy said.

“I don’t know what to say. What happens if… what if I’m wrong and when we’re together, it… doesn’t work?”

Jason looked at him skeptically. “Do you really think that will happen?”

In his heart, he knew that being with Dylan, being able to touch him and kiss him, would be nothing less than wonderful.

He sighed. “I don’t think so. No, I know what I feel is right.”

“Do you think Dylan is attracted to you?” Joy asked.

He thought about the look in Dylan’s eyes when he left him by the fire. The small moments that had passed between them since Dylan arrived. There was nothing he could define other than a feeling in his gut. The attraction he felt was mutual.

“I think so. I hope so.”

“Why don’t you bring Dylan over for dinner sometime? We’d like to get to know him. Anyone who can make you smile the way you do when you talk about him is someone we’d like to be friends with,” Joy said.

“I appreciate you guys. I know I haven’t been a very good friend―”

Jason shook his head. “Stop it. Friends don’t keep a scorecard. Joy and I know you’ve been dealing with a lot. I’ve been hoping you’d reach out, but I didn’t want to add to your stress. You were already spreading yourself so thin, trying to make everyone else around you happy.”

“Do me a favor—next time add to my stress. I’ve realized I need friends in my life. I know your schedule is crazy with touring, but if you’re up for it, I’d like it if we could grab a drink sometime.”

Jason smiled. “Anytime.”

Jason and Joy made him stay for a late-night snack. It was nice to relax and catch up with them. Joy talked about what it was like growing up with two dads and offered a welcome perspective on her experience. Jason shared that he’d cut back on his touring so he’d have more time to mentor up-and-coming artists. Before he left, Jason gave Ryan a tour of his remodeled studio space.

“This is really amazing,” Ryan said, looking at the scattered rugs and high-end microphones in the recording room, separated from a massive soundboard on the other side of a glass partition.

“I’m offering mentorships to emerging country artists who come from historically excluded communities. They’ll be able to live in the apartment above the garage while I work with them in the studio for a month.”

“Exactly what does ‘historically excluded’ communities mean?” Ryan asked.

“Dating Joy was an eye-opener. It was pretty depressing to learn how many people still associate country music, even the lifestyle, with whiteness.” He scowled. “The hate people directed toward Joy for being a Black woman dating a country musician turned my stomach. There was a young person I had spotted busking in Nashville. No one would give them a break because they were nonbinary. They’re really talented and deserve a chance, so I decided to do something about it. Same goes for Black artists. Black, Asian, Hispanic, and people across the LGBTQ spectrum don’t get the same access that I got, and I want to support them.”

“It never occurred to me that was a problem.”

Jason raised an eyebrow. “It happens in every industry, including yours.”

Ryan pinched the bridge of his nose. “I’ve been hiding from reality for a long time. And not only my sexuality, but a lot of things. I have a lot to learn.”

“Joy will tell you it’s an ongoing process. I used to be arrogant enough to think I’d just get it one day and wouldn’t make any more wrong assumptions. Boy, was I wrong. Joy is the one who taught me no matter who you are, people who want to hate will find a reason to dislike you. You have to love more and keep loving no matter what.”

“You married a smart woman.”

Jason grinned. “Trust me, I’m grateful every day. I’m so damn lucky, and I hope you’ll have a chance to be happy someday.” His face fell. “I’m sorry that Lindsay died, but you weren’t happy, Ryan. If Lindsay hadn’t died, it was only a matter of time before your marriage did.”

“I don’t know. I would have stayed out of obligation or guilt.”

“But that doesn’t mean Lindsay would have stayed,” Jason said in a grave voice.

Ryan’s gut tightened. He couldn’t unsee the hint of guilt in Jason’s eyes. “Is there something I should know?”

“She’s gone. Would knowing make it any better? It was only a rumor, Ryan.”

His jaw ticked. “But you think it’s true, don’t you?”

Jason dipped his head. “You weren’t happy, but it was pretty clear the few times we hung out together that Lindsay wasn’t happy either.”

Jason was right, and Ryan knew it.

“I’m sorry, Ryan. I didn’t want to hurt you.”

“I know that, and the truth is, deep down I knew. I just wanted to pretend it wasn’t true. It feels like the ripple effect from Lindsay’s accident keeps going. It’s like a whirlpool trying to suck me down, and I’m terrified.”

“And now you have feelings for her twin brother.” Jason shot him an anxious look. “When the news comes out, it won’t sit well with some people. Are you prepared for that?”

“About as prepared as I am to out myself. So no, not at all.”

“Whatever you need, you know Joy and I are here for you.”

Driving back across the bridge toward home, Ryan wrestled with his fears and concerns. He’d already come too far to go back, and he didn’t want to. He couldn’t live the life he’d led before. Was there any way he could move forward and not cause any more pain? Would he be able to convince his family that he would still be the same loving son, only now he wasn’t as willing to put his own needs aside? The one thing Ryan was sure of when he crossed the bridge was that he’d wake up tomorrow ready to start a new chapter of his life.