Chapter Ten

“HOW AREyou feeling, son?”

“I’m good, a little tired, but that’s to be expected.” Dylan squinted at the boats on the water from his lounge chair by the pool. He needed a few more days to recover before swimming again, but he preferred sitting outside in the Seattle summer sun rather than being indoors. For all its opulence, he hated Ryan’s house with its stark white oversized rooms that held no warmth except Leo and Ryan. They brought color and life to the house. A day after his surgery and he was already feeling cooped up.

“Carl and I are so proud of you,” Kevin said. “You’ve done an amazing, selfless thing.”

“I wish I felt that way. I feel guilty. Everyone is being so nice, trying to take care of me.”

“That’s hard for you, isn’t it?”

“I don’t want to inconvenience anyone.”

“Dylan, you’re not an inconvenience. Carl and I have watched you grow into the kind and caring man you are today. I hope someday you’ll realize you’re never an inconvenience to people who love you. Caring for someone is an act of friendship and love.”

Dylan caught a movement out of the corner of his eye and looked up to see Ryan standing on the balcony off his office. He mouthed “You okay?” and gave him a thumbs-up with a little smile.

Is that what Ryan wanted from him—friendship? Is that why he was being so nice to him? Guilt had Dylan’s stomach in nervous knots for the thoughts he’d had of Ryan as more than a friend.

Dylan flashed his own thumbs-up with a nod. “I promise I’ll try to do better letting people take care of me.”

“How are you getting along with Ryan?”

Dylan’s gaze went to the empty balcony where Ryan had been standing a few moments before. “Fine. It’s… strange.”

“How so?”

“It’s hard to explain. He was married to my sister. Everything I believed he was or how I thought he would be isn’t how Ryan is at all. He’s always trying to make sure I’m happy. He’s so caring. It’s hard to picture someone like him with Lindsay. They don’t match at all.”

“I see,” Kevin said, softly.

“There’s no sign of Lindsay here other than a photo in Leo’s room. It’s like looking at the pieces of a broken mirror. There are just fragments, and you can’t put the pieces together to make a complete picture.”

“Have you heard anything about your parents?”

“No. I know they call to check in with Leo. Ryan hasn’t mentioned anything about them to me. I think he doesn’t want to make me uncomfortable, or any more uncomfortable than I already am.”

“You’ll be home soon, and you’ll have the rest of the summer to process this experience.”

Dylan sighed. “I’m going to miss Leo. He’s a great kid. Ryan keeps telling me he wants me to be in Leo’s life, but I’m not sure what that looks like. What happens when my parents know I’m spending time with Leo?” He could hear Kevin suck in his breath. “It won’t be good,” he finished with a slight tremor in his voice.

“If Ryan is the person you say he is, he won’t let Arlene and Clay come between you and Leo.”

“I don’t want to cause any trouble.”

“You wouldn’t be.” Ryan’s deep voice interrupted the conversation.

Dylan jerked his head up to see Ryan standing next to him.

He shoved his hands in his jean pockets and gave him a sheepish look. “I wasn’t eavesdropping, I promise.” He gestured to the phone. “If that’s your dads, please tell them I said hi. I’ll just….” he gestured toward the dock as he started in that direction.

“I guess you heard that,” Dylan said, watching Ryan walk away.

Kevin chuckled. “I did. Tell Ryan we said hello.”

“I should go. I need to talk to Ryan about what he heard me say.”

“All right, son. You’re still healing, so take it easy, okay?”

“I will. Love you, Dad.”

“Love you too.”

Dylan hung up and looked toward the dock. Things were already so awkward with Ryan, and now he was going to have to talk to him about his concerns with his parents. They were valid concerns. His parents weren’t going to be okay with their gay son spending time with their only grandchild. They would blame Dylan’s influence if Leo didn’t grow up to be a straight-and-narrow jock. But what if that wasn’t what Leo wanted to be? Dylan clutched his chest, fighting to catch his breath. The thought of Leo being cast out the way he was chilled him to his bones. Of all the reasons he needed to be in Leo’s life, he needed his nephew to know that he always had someone he could call for any reason, any time, no questions asked.

His panic had him almost running toward Ryan on the dock.

“What’s wrong?” Ryan asked when Dylan stopped in front of him, trying to catch his breath.

“I want to talk about my parents and Leo. Promise me you won’t let them force Leo to be someone he isn’t. Don’t let them convince you Leo should go to a conversion camp or therapy―” His voice broke. He knew he was rambling, but he couldn’t stop. “If anything happens, you have to let me know. It doesn’t matter when. I’ll come.” He grabbed Ryan’s arm. “Promise me.”

“Dylan, breathe.” Ryan put his hands on his shoulders, but Dylan couldn’t catch his breath. “Dylan, you’re having a panic attack.” Ryan gently grasped his chin. “Look at me.”

He tried to focus on Ryan’s face, but it took all of his energy to get enough air into his lungs.

“Dylan, name five things you can see,” Ryan said, brushing his thumb along his jawline.

Dylan’s gaze darted around wildly. “Lake, trees—” He took a breath. “—boat, mountain”—his gaze finally landed on Ryan’s face—“eyes.”

“Good. Now name three things you can hear.”

“Airplane, water… your voice.”

“Almost there. Tell me two things you can feel.”

“Sun, your fingers.”

“Can you take a deep breath for me?”

Dylan nodded. He took three more breaths before Ryan let go and stepped back with a slight smile.

“I think you’re okay now.”

“I haven’t had a panic attack in…. It’s been a long time.”

Ryan put his hand on Dylan’s back, guiding him back to the chairs by the pool. “Here,” he said, pointing to a nearby lounger and urging him to sit down. Ryan grabbed a blanket from the back of another chair and dropped it around Dylan’s shoulders.

“How did you become an expert in panic attacks?”

Ryan sat down on the side of the lounger next to him. “One of my roommates in college.”

“Thank you.”

“Do you want to talk about it?” Ryan asked.

“No.” Dylan looked down at Ryan’s arms, admiring the way the sun made the hair on his arms look like golden floss in the summer sun. He wrapped his arms around his knees to keep himself from reaching out and brushing his fingers against Ryan’s warm, sun-kissed skin. “Maybe.” He sighed. “I was telling Kevin about how you want me to stay in Leo’s life, and then I thought about what my parents are going to say when they find out. And then I-I guess I had a flashback to how I was raised and my dad’s idea of what it meant to be a man.” He shuddered. “The idea of Leo being put through that kind of torture, I just….”

“Dylan, I promise you, I won’t let that happen.”

The sincerity in Ryan’s voice wrapped around him like the blanket over his shoulders. “I know that, I do. I don’t know why I panicked.”

“Because what your parents and Lindsay did was terrible, and it’s understandable that you have some trauma. Add that you donated bone marrow and your immune system is rebuilding. You get to have as many emotions as you want.”

Dylan nodded, blinking back tears. “I probably overdid it this morning. I think I’ll go back to bed for a while.”

“Do you need help?”

“No, I’m okay.” He shook his head even though he wanted to say yes. Maybe he wasn’t thinking straight from being overly tired, but his first thought was how nice it would have been to have Ryan tuck him in. He got up and paused. “Thank you for helping me when I lost it.”

“I’m glad I was here.”

“I… I should go,” he said, even though he was reluctant to leave.

“Would you like to have dinner with me tonight?” Ryan asked.

A chance to spend more time with Ryan? Butterflies fluttered in his stomach at the idea. And then disappeared when Ryan continued, “I wanted to talk about your going back home.”

“Oh. You don’t have to have dinner with me. We can just talk about it.”

Ryan took a step closer. “What if I want to have dinner with you anyway?”

Why was Ryan looking at him like that? What game was he playing?

Ryan reached out, his fingers gently brushing against his. “Have dinner with me, Dylan.”

“I-I’m not feeling well. I don’t think that would be a good idea.”

Ryan’s face fell. “Of course, I wasn’t thinking. Do you think you’ll be okay to be with Leo on Zero Day? He asked for you to be there.”

Ryan’s request took him by surprise. He hadn’t expected to be included on the day Leo received his bone marrow. The offer touched him and left him feeling even more confused.

He nodded. “Tell Leo I’ll be there.”

No matter how he felt, Dylan wouldn’t let his nephew down.

“Thank you. It means a lot to Leo and to me.”

Dylan wasn’t lying. A dull headache had been building, making the sun too bright and the air too hot.

“I really need to lie down,” he mumbled.

He stumbled, jerking back when Ryan reached for him. “Don’t, I’m fine, I don’t want you.”

Dylan didn’t realize he’d said want instead of need until he made it to his room. With a groan, he climbed into bed, too tired to care. It didn’t matter what he wanted anyway, he’d put away wants with the rest of his childhood the day he was kicked out. Trading wants for needs. Food, shelter, education. Dylan knew how lucky he’d been that Kevin found him in the library that afternoon. He knew how many kids weren’t as lucky, and even now with a job, an apartment, and a little money in the bank, he still worried about something happening that would leave him alone and without a safety net. Being away from home and his friends, he felt even more vulnerable.

And then there was the way Ryan kept trying to take care of him. That wasn’t so bad, but the way he kept looking at him as if…. “He’s not thinking of you like that,” he whispered to himself.

But what if he was?a small voice in his heart whispered. Suppose he had made a mistake about Ryan? Was it possible he was bi? Dylan rolled over with a grunt of discomfort mixed with frustration. He had to stop wishful thinking.