Chapter Eleven

CHAPTER ELEVEN

Gabby

B arrett kills me. He's saying all the right things, all the things I wish my ex-husband would've said. Jeff said a lot, but typically it was with a sneer and the emotion behind it wasn't loving. He wanted a reaction from me, because he knew he could get one by being mean. It was the worst thing, not to be hit physically, but hurt emotionally every single day by words. But now isn't the time for him to rear his head. This is about us , and everything we're trying to build. They're also the same things I wish Barrett would've said too, so it's time to take this at face value. "You are wise enough for me, and I hope you realize what happened before wasn't exactly just about you. It was me, too."

"I know. Which is why I want to clear the slate now." He gets up and goes over to the couch, pulling the lid off of what looks like a fire pit. "Come on over here. I'll start a fire, and we can relax. We'll get it all out in the open, and from that point on, we'll start fresh. Sound good to you?" he asks, holding his hand out for me to grab.

I grab it, thankful for the strength, and way he's not scared to reach for me, even when it would probably be easier just to let me go. We both did that once before, and I get the felling neither one of us are willing to do it again.

"Yeah, let's. Get it all out of the way." I push my hair back behind my ears, centering myself. I want all of this out in the open, I want it in the past, all I want to do is for us to move on to our future. I want to see Barrett this time next year, celebrate his birthday, and the holidays together. But before we can do that, we have to do this. "I'll go first. I felt like I was at a disadvantage, because I'm older, have been married previously, and was working so hard at getting my business off the ground. I knew I wasn't giving a hundred and ten percent because I was exhausted, and because I was intimidated by the fact that you're younger. When I heard what your mom said, it was an easy way out for me." I watch as he gets the fire started, crossing my legs, and leaning back against the couch. "It did hurt me, don't get me wrong, but it was also a way for me to protect myself."

"You don't ever have to protect yourself from me." He works his jaw, licking his lips.

I sigh heavily, trying to make him understand. Glancing out over his back yard, I think about what I want to say before I do, and then try to explain in the easiest way possible. "I do, though. In my marriage, I lost who I was. I let his dreams become mine, and it's important that both you and I have our own lives, our own dreams. At the same time, we need to have dreams together, too. With my ex, I didn't have that. I forgot everything that made me Gabby. My ex and me? We had a bunch of money. He wore Italian leather shoes, had a closet full of suits that were custom made for him, and we didn't have to worry about anything. The day I left, I got rid of everything that was his. I knew I wanted to start the bakery, and I went to a thrift store and there was a Kitchen Aid mixer there." I stop for a second, remembering how I had felt as if it was a sign, and maybe it wasn't. Maybe it was just me looking for a meaning in the bullshit. But it gave me meaning, it gave me the courage I needed. "It was thirty dollars, it was the last thirty dollars I had that was my own, but I bought it. He gave me enough money to make it for a year, and I knew I had to do something. Do anything that would allow me to live the dream I'd given up."

"And you did it?" he finishes with a whisper.

"I did." I swallow hard, smiling. "It was hard, but I did. I can't tell you how I did, I just did." I shrug. "Now, Barrett. Tell me what you need to about what happened with us before."

He doesn't say anything for a few minutes as he looks out at the fire, the flames licking at the glass rocks. When he finally speaks his voice is hoarse and full of emotion. His light eyes show me everything I need to know, but I wait to hear what he has to say. "My parents divorced when I was young, and I went back and forth between them. I would do something that my mom liked, and it would piss my dad off, and then vice versa. I spent my entire teenage years trying to figure out how I was going to be able to please both of them at the same time."

"Oh, Barrett." I reach my arms out, circling them around his waist, resting my head on his chest. "You were a kid. You've always been the kid."

He dips his head down, dropping a kiss in my hair. "I know, I know that now, but back then it was hard for me. Even when you broke up with me, I wasn't necessarily willing to admit that part of the issue was mine, and what I'm willing to take from my family. My mom's life has been so entwined with mine that she isn't able to let me live the life I want to create for myself. It took a while for me to understand that. I had a talk with her."

"B, I hope you didn't ruin your relationship with your mom over me." I play with a string on his shirt, while I talk. Anything for me not to have to think about what's going on between us. When I start to think, I get nervous about what the future holds, and that's when I start to question whether I deserve what I want or not. I've started to learn that I have to go through that doubt, and I have to know that I'm worthy of it all. It won't be easy, but it will be worth it. "I want this more than I want anything, but you need your mom."

Another kiss is dropped to my head. "I haven't ruined my relationship with her, but I had to set boundaries. My entire life I've been the person she came to with every single problem. She treated me as if I was her partner, not her son. This is something I need for myself. My relationship with you means more to me than anything has in a long time."

"But I don't want it to mean the end of your relationship with your mom." I remind him. "I don't think I'm worth that."

"I think you are. I think what we could have is definitely worth that. I'm going to be honest with her. If you tell me we're going to be exclusive and we're moving forward with this, no matter what. Then I'll have a talk with her and let her know."

"I feel like that would be a good idea. Let's start this out on the best foot we can. Clean slate?" I ask, looking up and giving him a smile.

"Clean slate."