Chapter 11

CHAPTER ELEVEN

That night as she lay by the side of the fire with the other women, Dunne found she couldn't sleep. The stiffness caused in her body by the ride in the miller's cart didn't help, but she suspected her restlessness had another cause. Bj?rn. He had been unusually sharp with her earlier and she could not account for it. And yet, angry as he had been, he had insisted that she ride with him for the rest of the journey. It didn't make sense.

But then nothing made sense where he was concerned, first and foremost her feelings for him. She shouldn't be attracted to him but he drew her in a way she didn't understand.

She turned onto her back and stared at the sky above, a dark, glittering ribbon framed by black trees.

It was odd to be outside at such a time. Raised in town, she had never slept outdoors before and could not completely relax, even if she knew the men would take turns keeping guard. Bj?rn had been designated to be the first. For a moment, she toyed with the idea of going to keep him company, but then she forced herself to stay where she was. After their tense conversation earlier, she wasn't sure what his reaction would be if he saw her coming to him. But it felt wrong to be allowed to sleep while he had to stay awake.

High above them, a white blaze ripped through the velvety sky, a sudden, silent burst of light. Dunne blinked. She had heard about these shooting stars but had never seen one before. It was breathtakingly beautiful and gone in a heartbeat.

Just like Bj?rn. He had been an unexpected, sudden burst of joy in her life, destined to disappear as quickly as he had come. Except…Unlike the star, he had not fallen from the skies, he was real, a man of flesh and blood. He was also here, just a few paces away. She could go to him, get more of the blinding pleasure he had offered her, and feel her body burst into flames once more. Or, she could have if he had not been so unsuitable for her and she could imagine a future with him. At the moment she could not.

It was hopeless.

When she saw him swap places with the miller and join the men sleeping under the trees for a well-earned rest, she closed her eyes and finally fell asleep.

In the morning a surprise was awaiting her.

"You've shaved your beard!" the miller's wife exclaimed, planting both her fists on her generous hips in amusement.

Dunne could only stare at the smooth chin Bj?rn had revealed. Her fingers started to itch with the urge to stroke his strong jaw. It was difficult to decide which suited him better, the blond beard or the shaven skin. One made you want to stroke it, the other made you want to lick it.

Lick it? A burst of heat spread through her chest. Had she just imagined herself following the edge of his jaw with her tongue? Yes, she had. She really was going mad.

Bj?rn skewered her with a lethal look before answering the miller's wife. "I was bored last night, keeping watch. This gave me something to do. And I see no need pretending I'm a man, when we all know that I really am nothing but a boy."

While everyone laughed, Dunne felt her insides wither. That was why he'd looked ready to shred her to ribbons when he had pounced on her last night, why he'd told her he couldn't possibly pose any threat to her. He'd heard her talk to the miller's wife. Her insides withered.

She had to tell him she hadn't meant a single scathing word.

But how? They were in full view of everyone and what could she say that he would want to hear? He looked ready to bite her head off. In that mood he would not listen to her.

"Come, pup," Harald said, slapping him on the shoulder. "Time to leave camp."

They set off as soon as all the furs had been rolled up and the horses fed and watered. Accepting Bj?rn's hand to climb into the driver's seat, Dunne wondered if she had not better go with Harald after all. It was not hard to guess that the journey would be uncomfortable. Bj?rn's face was like thunder and she could not blame him.

The only thing she could do to make things right was to apologize to him and explain why she had said what she had said.

As they exited the meadow, she braced herself. The more she waited, the more time she would give his resentment to churn. It would only make things worse.

"I…" Her voice came out as a whisper. "I never meant what I said last night to the?—"

"I'm sorry?" Bj?rn didn't even look at her. "You'll have to speak up if you want me to hear what you're saying."

She cleared her throat, wondering if she would have the strength to speak louder. "I only called you a boy last night because I?—"

"I think I understand why you did it, thank you," he cut in, his voice as cold as winter snow. "You called me a boy because you think that's what I am. And why not? I'm ten years younger than you, I've never lived with someone other than my parents, who cosseted me by all accounts, I do chores reserved for women and children and up until last week I was still a virgin. I can see why people who have known me for years would think of me as a boy with no male urges. Except that you should know differently, shouldn't you?"

Blue eyes pinned her in place when he finally deigned to look at her. Oh, he was in a towering rage! But she could not be defeated so easily. She could not make him believe her, but she could at least try to.

"I do know you are all man," she whispered. "And I only meant to ensure that the miller's wife let me go with you by speaking thus. I'm not proud of it, but it was the best way to make her believe you didn't see me as a woman to be seduced."

"But we both know I do. And I do have male urges, even if I choose not to indulge them with whores. I've proved it to you, I think, more than once."

Dunne felt her whole body crumple. He'd only bedded her because he thought the alternative—going to paid women—was unsavory. She had not seen that coming. To think she'd believed he had bedded because he wanted her! It turned out he had only jumped at the chance to bed a woman. And who better than someone foolish enough to think she had provoked desire within him and be both flattered and aroused by the notion?

He had been hurt to hear her tell another woman he was only a boy? Well, she felt sickened by the notion that he thought her only marginally better than a whore.

It was only when Dunne's face went the color of chalk that Bj?rn realized how she had interpreted what he'd said. He had made it sound as if he'd used her to find out what happened between men and women without having to pay for it, as if he'd thought bedding her would be less demeaning and more satisfactory for his male pride than going to the stew house. The fact that he had left without a word in the morning and had not even kissed her as he'd made love to her would only confirm this humiliating impression.

Appalled, he understood he had all but called her a whore.

"I didn't mean I?—"

"You don't need to explain. It is very clear. You were tired of being a virgin but could not bring yourself to go to the women in town. I was there, and I was willing. Why would you not make the most of the opportunity? You lifted me in your arms and I did not push you away. You told me you wanted me and I let you bed me. You are not to be blamed in any way." The bitterness in her voice raked through his guts.

"It wasn't anything like that!"

She raised a hand as if it were not even worth discussing. "I think we had better stop talking. All we seem to do is hurt each other."

The rest of the morning was spent in silence. When they stopped to give the horses a break, Dunne climbed down the seat without his help. Once the convoy was ready to leave, he saw her hesitate. In that moment, he knew that she was contemplating going with someone else. Well, he wouldn't beg her to choose him.

He climbed on, and stared ahead until, at last, he felt her weight tilt the cart.

They rode on, the tension between them palpable. Bj?rn could hardly bear it. He could see only one way of repairing what had been broken between them.

She thought he was too young, but he could do the mature thing and rectify the pain he had unwittingly caused her. He'd all but called her a whore; so he had to make her see that he actually wanted her as his wife.

"Dunne."

The voice, soft and tentative, could have been part of her dream, but not the touch of a finger sliding over her cheek. That had to be real.

When Dunne opened her eyes, she found Bj?rn kneeling next to her. Around them, everyone was still sleeping. It was dark, but birds had started to sing, heralding the fact that dawn was not too far.

"What's the matter?" Instantly alert, she bolted upright. She knew Bj?rn had been in charge of the last stretch of the watch. Why was he waking her up? Had he seen something worrying? She could not hear nor discern anything, but then again, she'd been asleep and Bj?rn would not have disturbed her sleep for no reason.

"Come, there's something I need to do."

This made her frown. After the way they had spent the previous day, barely talking, accusing one another of the worst intentions, he wanted her to be with him when he went investigating a possible danger? What did he expect her to do if there were marauders in the woods, or a family of irate boars in the undergrowth? "Do you really need me for it?" she asked weakly.

"Yes."

Surprising her, he took her by the hand and led her behind some thick bushes. As soon as they were hidden from view from the group, her heart started to beat alarmingly fast. Could he mean to waylay her? It was possible, if he thought her little more than a wanton he could tumble at will. Did she want him to take her? No. Of course, not, she assured herself, ignoring the throbbing in her veins.

"What are you?—"

Before she could finish the sentence, she found herself pressed against a strong chest and kissed with breathtaking urgency. The softness of Bj?rn's lips was something of a shock. Considering how strong the rest of his body was, she had expected his kiss to bruise her mouth. It did not, and that was not the only thing she could not make sense of. The desire blossoming inside her frightened her as much as it caused her pleasure, the urge to stroke his tongue with hers puzzled her and yet she could not fight it.

Bj?rn seemed equally torn. Even if he kept his touch gentle, she could feel an undercurrent of fierceness swirling under the careful gestures, as if he wanted to devour her but did not dare frighten her.

All in all, it was a thoroughly disconcerting experience.

And all the more intoxicating for it.

"What was that for?" she asked when he finally drew away from her.

It had been the first kiss they had shared, her first real kiss, and it had come out of nowhere. She didn't understand why Bj?rn would have kissed her now, of all times. It was not as if it had happened in the heat of the moment, as if it had been motivated by irrepressible desire in the midst of lovemaking or even blistering anger, during yet another argument. Bj?rn had planned this. He had woken her up for this exact purpose and taken her to a secluded place so he could kiss her without everyone knowing.

Why?

He placed his forehead against hers and cradled her neck between his palms. The heat of his touch was welcome in the chilly morning, as much as the reassurance of seeing that he wanted to make peace with her, even after their awful arguments. She closed her eyes.

"I should have kissed you the night I made love to you. I should not have left so abruptly in the morning, and made you think I used you to lose my virginity, nothing more."

She swallowed. How had he guessed she needed to hear she had been more than a tool for him? "I know you don't want to go to wh?—"

"I don't," he cut her ruthlessly. "But that doesn't mean I would ever use anyone in such a way. If all I wanted was a willing woman in my bed, I would have lost my virginity a long time ago." Yes. That much made no doubt. He could have had his pick of conquests. "I do not want you to think you were only an alternative to paying a woman to accept my attention, I do not want you to think that night meant nothing to me."

"I believe you." His kiss had been too tender for her to doubt his sincerity, and he sounded too desperate to have her forgive the pain he had caused her. She mattered to him, he cared for her, at least in some way.

"You do?" Relief swept through Bj?rn. Dunne didn't resent him. She didn't hate him. All was not lost.

"I do. But why did you want to kiss me instead of just explaining what you felt?" she asked, placing a trembling hand against her lips.

"You said we shouldn't talk, as we only seem to cause each other pain. But I had to make you understand somehow that it hadn't been like that for me, make you see that I didn't touch you as I would have a whore." He clenched his teeth. Just saying the words felt like an insult. But he had to leave her in no doubt about his feelings. The idea that she could think such a thing, feel so soiled, was killing him. "I made love to you because I wanted you so damn badly. I thought I'd made that clear but let me say it again. I wanted you, and I want you still."

"Please, don't say such things," she whispered, lifting huge eyes to him. The sun had pierced the horizon and was sending its gold light straight into them, making them shine like molten honey.

"Why not, when they are true?"

Instead of answering, she kissed him. Bj?rn moaned his surprise and delight into her mouth and tightened his hold around her. What was she doing by provoking him so? Couldn't she feel the hard ridge pressing between them? It would not take much to tip him over the edge.

"I swear I don't think of you as a boy," she breathed when he finally found the strength to release her. "I only wanted to convince the woman I could ride with?—"

He cut her off by kissing her a third time. He couldn't get enough of her, of feeling her body pressed against his, of tasting her sweet lips. Why had he not thought of kissing her while he'd had her in his arms that first night? It did not make sense. Now it was all he wanted to do.

"We've both said things we didn't mean, things we regret or that were misinterpreted. No more."

"No more," she agreed.

Still holding her face in the cradle of his palms, he again placed his forehead against hers. "No more lies. From now on, we'll be honest with each other."

"Yes."

And yet at that moment Bj?rn knew he was still withholding something from her. His intention to make her his wife. He would have to tell her, but not today. They had only just cleared the misunderstanding between them. They had kissed. They were talking again.

For now it would have to be enough.

"Don't shave your beard again," Dunne said, placing a tentative hand on Bj?rn's jaw. It was rough with golden stubble that glittered in the dawn light. "Or…" she amended when she realized it sounded like an order. "Not on my account anyway. You have nothing to prove to me or anyone. You are just…"

You are just perfect the way you are.

He was. But she could not tell him as much. They had promised to be honest but there was a limit to what she was prepared to admit.

"I won't shave ever again." It sounded like a promise heavy with meaning. Her chest tightened.

"Why are you here, Bj?rn? Why did you decide to go to the fair? You are no merchant, you didn't need to go all the way to Lincoln."

His blue eyes shimmered. "I'm here because you left me no choice. At the village you refused to talk to me, and you would have left before we could discuss what we needed to discuss. I had to come. There was no other way."

"Yes. I can see that."

And she was glad he had. Only now that the air had been cleared did she realize how miserable she had been, thinking everything had been spoilt between them.

Noises started to reach their ears. People groaning and laughing, pots and pans being cleaned, horses being hitched to carts. The camp was waking up. Bj?rn took a step backward.

"I will go first, taking a detour in the undergrowth."

Dunne nodded. That way it would look as if they had each gone to see to their personal needs upon waking up. No one would know about the kisses they had shared. Her lips still felt swollen, but she guessed it would be imperceptible to the casual observer.

Silent as a shadow, Bj?rn slipped through the bushes.

Her heart lighter than it had been in days, she walked back up to the camp.