2. Where’s My Pussy?

Chapter 2

Where’s My Pussy?

Jade

Why couldn’t I act normal around men?

It didn’t help that I was the trifecta of bitchy: hot, tired, and hangry. Moving was stressful enough, and when I’d realized Captain wasn’t in the house, I freaked out. He wasn’t an outside cat and had never taken off before, even with doors left wide open.

But that was how my move was going.

The last thing I’d needed was my incredibly attractive neighbor mansplaining how it would have been easier to hire movers. I wasn’t going to explain how the movers had already brought the big things, and now I was moving in the stuff I didn’t trust them with.

Still, every box I carried into the house made me wonder if I’d lost my damned mind. It’s not like the movers could see what was inside the boxes, but still.

I set what felt like the thousandth box in my massive walk-in closet and looked around the space. In my old one-thousand-square-foot apartment, I’d used a spare bedroom as my display space, but my new closet had shelves upon shelves with lighting that would really showcase my best pieces.

“Jade! Where are you? I come with sustenance!” Noelle’s voice came from far away, but that was because the house I’d bought was massive.

Walking out of my closet, I shut the door behind me. The house was probably too big, with six bedrooms and eight bathrooms. What on earth would a single person do with eight toilets? I would have to rotate where I peed to keep the pipes flowing.

Despite my occasional buyer’s remorse since signing the contract, I had to admit that it was nice to have a large home office with a wall of windows, a gym, a movie theater, and a few extra bedrooms. The master suite was like a spa, and the balcony was perfect for yoga.

When I got downstairs, Noelle was leaning against the kitchen island, scrolling through something on her phone. Before she realized I was standing there, I flung my arms around her, squeezing tight.

“Oof!” she grunted but hugged me back just as fiercely.

I grabbed the drink off the counter that was marked with my name, smiling at the Perky Squirrel Coffee logo that had a man with a squirrel tail wearing a fanny pack full of nuts. Whoever had designed it was pure genius. “I needed this. I was about ready to rip my neighbor’s head off earlier.”

“Uh-oh. What did they do?” Noelle grabbed her own iced coffee and took a long sip. “Damn, I make the best coffee.”

Noelle had worked at Perky Squirrel Coffee since we’d been in college. Even though she had a master’s degree now, she was working on establishing her interior design business and needed the additional income.

“You really do make good coffee.” I sighed and sat down on a barstool, taking my sandwich from her. “Don’t get me started on my new neighbor.”

She raised an eyebrow and slid onto the stool next to me. “What happened?”

“He’s a pompous jerk,” I grumbled, taking a big bite of my turkey and bacon sandwich.

Noelle paused, her sandwich halfway to her mouth. “He? Do tell.”

I swallowed and took a sip of coffee. “I was hauling in boxes and realized Captain was missing. He wouldn’t come when I called, even with me shaking his treat jar. So I went out front and started looking in the bushes. I was about to have a full-blown panic attack, and here comes this man holding a blanket.”

“Okay...” Noelle took a bite of her food.

“He completely covered him with it! Captain was so scared, Noelle. You should have seen how hard he was shaking.” I shuddered. “I wanted to throat punch the guy.”

Noelle gasped. “How the hell did he manage to wrap him in a blanket? ”

“I didn’t ask for a play-by-play. Apparently, Captain got into his house, scratched his face, and then he caught him with the blanket. He was going on about muddy cat prints everywhere.”

Like he’d heard us talking about him, Captain strolled in, letting out a meow . He was such a good cat, and I couldn’t imagine him scratching the neighbor, unless he’d felt threatened.

Noelle looked down at him. “His feet aren’t even dirty.”

“Right? I mean, the guy made it seem like Captain had frolicked through the mud and targeted him with his kitty wrath. He said he was going to send me the cleaning bills.”

“You’re kidding.” Noelle covered her mouth to stifle a laugh, but her eyes sparkled in amusement. “Figures you’d have a grumpy old man for a neighbor. I wonder what his wife is like.”

I’d been hoping Noelle would drop the subject, but no such luck. “He wasn’t old. He looked to be around our age.”

She wiggled her eyebrows suggestively. “Was he hot?”

“Noelle!” I threw a wadded-up napkin at her as heat rushed to my cheeks. “That’s beside the point, but I suppose he wasn’t entirely unfortunate looking.”

She sighed wistfully before her eyes landed on my chest. “Were you wearing that when you met him?”

I looked down. Shit. I hadn’t even been paying attention to what I had on. “I was holding Captain.”

“Not at first.” She smirked. “Maybe now’s the time to get back out there. We need to find out if this hot neighbor is single.”

“Even if he is, he’s not my type. I also don’t want to deal with men; real dicks are completely overrated.” I opened the top of my sandwich and adjusted the meat. Was it too much to ask for a sandwich with meat that stayed in place? It was kind of like a man in that way; their meat didn’t want to stay in the sandwich.

Besides cheating on me, men either felt their masculinity was threatened by me or only wanted me for one thing. Single life was much less stressful, and I had no intention of ever having a boyfriend or fuck buddy again.

“What if you laid everything out there for them? You could send them some pictures of your products to see how they react?” Noelle nudged me with her elbow. “Not every guy is an asshole.”

Noelle was so positive, even though she hadn’t had the best luck with men herself. But she also didn’t have an adult product company that tended to attract the worst to her.

Needing to get off the topic of men, I swallowed the last bite of my sandwich. “Hey, you know what we should do?”

“What?” She eyed me curiously.

“I was thinking that you could decorate one of my spare bedrooms.” I wiped my hands on a napkin and got to my feet. “I could show off some products and take pics to post on Ravishing Whispers’ social media.”

Noelle’s eyes went wide, and she nearly choked on her drink. “Are you serious? Don’t you have a whole department for social media?”

“So? I miss doing it. And yes, I’m serious. Who better to decorate than you? I need the rest of my house done too. The job is yours if you want it.” I really didn’t have a clue about interior design, and now that I had the funds, I’d love to help my friend grow her business.

“Jade, this is huge!” She jumped to her feet and threw her arms around me, her fire-engine red hair hitting me in the face. “Getting exposure through a brand as big as yours could really kick-start my business.”

“That’s the idea. It’s a win-win.” Ravishing Whispers was more than a job to me. It wasn’t just a mission to break down stigmas surrounding women’s pleasure, but a mission to empower women to be their own boss.

Noelle squealed and squeezed me harder. “Thank you! You have no idea how much this means to me.”

I did, though. Sometimes, all it took was the right platform to send business skyrocketing. For me, it had been an influencer who had ordered a subscription box and their video about it went viral.

Overnight, I went from packing boxes in my dorm room to needing a warehouse and employees. That was seven years ago, and I was still expanding so rapidly that it made my head spin.

And to think it all started because I had a toy to thank for my first orgasm.

Captain was missing again. I’d searched everywhere, using all my tricks to get him to come out of hiding, but the bastard was nowhere to be found. He’d been snoozing on the couch after Noelle had helped me move most of my boxes inside and she’d left .

Had I opened a door since then? I didn’t remember if I had or not; I was running on fumes, since it was almost midnight and had been a long day.

I slipped on a pair of flip-flops and turned on my patio light before walking out into my backyard. I shook the plastic container of treats that always brought him running.

“Captain! Come to Mama!” I sighed when there was no response.

As soon as I found him, I was ordering an AirTag to attach to his collar.

Where could he be? There weren’t that many places to hide in the backyard, even with its impressive size. There was a covered patio connected to the house, a pool, and simple landscaping with drought-resistant plants. Not many places for a three-foot-long orange cat to go unnoticed.

I shook the plastic container of treats again as I rounded the corner to the side of the house. “Here, kitty, kitty!” I clicked my tongue against the roof of my mouth.

Silence. I huffed out a frustrated breath. “No tuna for you tomorrow, buddy!”

As I was about to head to the front yard, I heard a familiar meow. It was faint, but unmistakable. Unfortunately, it came from the other side of the white vinyl fence separating my yard from the neighbor’s.

Shit. Just what I needed.

The fence had solid panels, so I couldn’t peep through the slats or a knothole. Things couldn’t be easy, could they?

I went to the patio and grabbed a chair that the previous owners had left, carrying it to the fence. I really didn’t want to look over into Noah’s yard, but I couldn’t leave Captain there all night.

Climbing up and peering over, I was surprised at his yard. There was a pool, a large patio, a decent-sized garden, and a play set. Did that mean he had kids? If he did and was getting mad about muddy paw prints in his house and on his car, he must be a real joy.

But that wasn’t all that was in his backyard. My cat was there too, prowling around the patio like he owned it.

“Captain Purrcard von Clitty Cat!” I hissed under my breath. “You get your fuzzy butt back over here right now!”

He paid me no mind, since he was laser focused on whatever he was after. As I watched, he went to the sliding glass door and meowed before he began scratching at the glass. Damn it. I didn’t need another neighborly visit over this.

I looked around, trying to figure out how to get over the fence without damaging it or myself. Pulling out my phone and turning on the flashlight, I jumped down and headed for the front. I was just going to have to knock on his door. Noah was young; he’d still be awake on a Saturday night. Hopefully.

He might have a family, for all I knew, but it was too risky to leave Captain outside.

I’d have to be extra careful now with opening the door, since he seemed to want to escape. So many things could happen to him outside, and I wasn’t keen on letting him become an outdoor cat.

It was hard to tell if anyone was home, but the porch light was on as I stepped up to Noah’s door, my eyes on the video doorbell. With a deep breath, I rang it .

There was no answer, and I wasn’t surprised this wasn’t going to be easy. I rang it again, holding my finger down on the button longer this time, like that would change the outcome. Still nothing.

I huffed out an annoyed breath and stepped away from the house, turning to look at the gate next to the garage. It was worth a try, so I walked across the driveway, setting off the motion light above the garage. I was most likely being recorded but didn’t care.

The gate latch lifted as I pulled the cord. “Idiot.” I hoped he watched the surveillance footage and listened too.

I planned on installing coded entries for my two gates, so they would always be secure. We lived in a gated community that had round-the-clock security patrolling, but that wouldn’t stop someone that lived here from committing a crime against a neighbor.

Case in point, me, walking right into Noah’s backyard.

I at least had a legitimate reason for being on his property. My cat was in his backyard, and I needed to retrieve him before he caused any more trouble. It was the neighborly thing to do.

I left the gate open a few inches and walked along the side of the house, setting off more motion lights with cameras mounted underneath.

What would the headlines say if I got arrested? Sex toy queen who claims men can’t find women’s clits can’t even find her own pussy.

A giggle bubbled out of me, and I slapped my hand over my mouth. I was going straight to bed after this. My brain was starting to go haywire .

I could hear Captain’s meows as I turned the corner. He was right where he’d been when I’d looked over the fence, sitting there outside the door, meowing up a storm while scratching at the glass. Typical cat behavior when he wanted in somewhere.

“This isn’t your house, doofus.”

He turned at the sound of my voice, his golden eyes looking at me unblinkingly for a moment before he returned to scratching at the door. Clearly, he’d decided Noah’s house was better than mine and was determined to get inside.

I crossed the patio, very aware this was crossing a line. Noah didn’t have his curtains closed on the large windows, and I could see right in.

So of course I couldn’t help but look inside as I moved toward my cat. There was a soft, warm glow from the recessed lighting around the open-floor-plan living area. Noah’s style was masculine and modern, with a mixture of dark tones with more neutral ones. It was nice and looked lived in and inviting.

I quickly bent down to scoop up Captain before he caused any more trouble. But as I reached for him, the lights inside turned on all the way.

With a startled meow, Captain took off before I could grab him. Damn cat must have been getting back at me for the move.

I stood to my full height and froze.

Noah walked across the space in athletic shorts, shoes, and nothing else. His chiseled torso glistened with perspiration, and his chest heaved, as if he’d just finished a workout.

He turned toward the kitchen but then stopped, turning his head in my direction. He jumped a little, and our gazes locked, his eyes widening first in surprise, then narrowing as recognition set in.

Yup, I was fucked, and not in the way I wanted to be.

I turned and ran.