1. Captain Purrcard von Clitty Cat

Chapter 1

Captain Purrcard von Clitty Cat

Noah

The day Captain Purrcard von Clitty Cat decided to invade my life was the same day I learned that my new neighbor was the most beautiful woman I’d ever seen... and an incredibly delusional cat lady.

I’d just opened my door to leave for my brother’s birthday party—present in hand and mind on the mountain of food I planned to demolish—when a flash of orange fur torpedoed around my legs and right into my house.

“Fuck.” I hadn’t even seen the damn cat, which was surprising, considering how massive it was. Had it been gray, I’d have thought it was a bobcat.

The cat darted across the room, leaving muddy paw prints in its wake. It stopped when it got to my couch and sat down beside it, staring back at me. Like every cat I’d ever encountered, its fluff screamed “pet me” while its eyes said, “I dare you, lowly human.”

“Here, kitty, kitty.” I put down the present on the console table next to the door and walked slowly toward the intruder. “Good kitty. Stay right there.”

Its baseball-bat-sized tail swished on the hardwood floor, and I swear its eyes narrowed ever so slightly, warning me to not come any closer.

I knew it wasn’t going to stay where it was with a stranger coming right for it, but it was in my house, and its feet looked like it’d had a party in a flowerbed.

“No!” I lunged forward as it started to jump.

When it landed on my leather couch, I let out a very uncharacteristic screech, which made it scurry across the fabric, no cushion untouched.

“All right, Garfield.” I held up my hands. “I want to help you out the door so you can be on your merry way. Let’s not scratch the Italian leather, okay?”

Did I really think it was going to listen?

I was just about to it when it darted off the couch and, in a surprising show of agility, given its size, jumped onto the kitchen island. Maybe it was the combination of the smooth marble and its muddy paws, but it slipped, scrambling around as it bumped into a bowl of zucchini, then knocked over a cup of water.

I managed to grab it around the middle before it got away, but the cat was not having it. It twisted in my hands like it had trained for this very situation and swiped its paw across my chin .

“Son of a bitch.” I dropped it, and it landed on all fours, not even stumbling.

I’d only been scratched by a cat once, on the arm, but this was so much worse. Pain radiated from what felt like ten thousand paper cuts. I grabbed a paper towel and blotted at the spot; thankfully, there was only a little blood.

The cat sat down next to my dining table, licking the same paw it had scratched me with. Why did it always seem like cats knew exactly what they were doing? It was taunting me; I was sure of it.

“All right, Lucifer, playtime’s over.” I threw the paper towel on the counter before snatching a throw blanket from the back of the couch. It was going to be pissed having a blanket thrown over it, but I wasn’t about to get torn up by a cat. “It’s time for you to go back to whatever circle of hell you came from.”

It eyed me with boredom, and I threw the blanket over it without a second thought. I scooped it up while it meowed indignantly and attempted to squirm free, but this time, the blanket stopped it from scratching me.

Taking it to the front door, I stepped outside. A woman was yelling from the other side of the hedge that was between me and the neighboring house. “Captain! Where are you? Captain!”

The cat had gone completely still, which was a relief. I had intended to just drop it outside, but after hearing the woman calling for it, I decided to go meet my new neighbor and tell her what her cat had done.

“Captain Purrcard!” The woman sounded frantic now, but I still laughed at the absurd name .

“Wow, buddy. Your name is Purrcard? No wonder you ran away from your mom.” I headed toward the driveway, stopping short when I got to my car.

The only reason it was parked outside was because the mobile detailer had just finished cleaning it. Now, I realized that had been a big mistake.

Cat prints. All over the hood and windshield of my Audi R8 GT. They had only made three hundred and thirty-three, and the thought of the metallic gray paint being marred by cat claws made my skin itch.

“Captain!” She sounded on the verge of tears, and I continued down the driveway and around the hedge.

There was a woman searching around the bushes in front of the house, her back to me. Her brown hair was piled in a bun, and she was wearing a light pink tank top with a pair of tight athletic shorts that showed off her toned legs and ass.

It was a good ass. A very good ass.

“Hey!” My voice frightened the cat, and he squirmed in my arms again as I walked up my new neighbor’s driveway.

The woman turned, and as I got closer, I nearly tripped over my own feet. She was fucking gorgeous, with full lips and green eyes that were framed by long lashes.

“Your cat got into my house.” I held him out, the blanket covering him like he was a ghost.

“Oh, my God.” She rushed toward me and grabbed Captain, taking the blanket off him. “What did you do?”

“Uh, excuse me?” I was still trying to process that the woman of my dreams was standing in front of me.

I might have also been distracted by her nipple rings clearly visible through the tight fabric of her tank top. Holy hell, I was in so much trouble.

“He’s shaking like a leaf. My poor baby.” She cradled her cat against her chest, cooing. The cat stared back at me, as if he were taunting me, kind of like how my brothers used to do when we were younger, and they were tattling on me.

“He’s the one that got into my house.” I pointed to my chin, which still stung. “He scratched me.”

She finally looked at my face instead of at her cat. “He’s the most lovable cat in the world.”

I narrowed my eyes, because what the actual fuck? “He’s a cat. I grabbed him off my counter and he swatted at me. I would appreciate it if you kept him on your property and not mine. His paw prints are all over my living room and counter, plus he took a stroll on my clean car.”

She huffed out a nervous laugh. “Well, maybe you shouldn’t park your precious car outside.”

This woman was unbelievable, and I didn’t have time for her nonsense. “Thank you so much, Noah, for bringing my cat home! I’m so sorry he was an asshole and assaulted your handsome face.”

Her lips parted in shock, but I didn’t know if it was because I’d tried to mimic her voice or because I’d spoken in third person.

“What’s your name? Otherwise, I’m going to call you cat lady.” I probably would, anyway. It seemed fitting.

“Jade.” Fuck. Even her name was beautiful. “This is Captain Purrcard von Clitty Cat.” She stroked the cat under the chin, and he started to purr.

It took me a second to process the full name. “Clitty Cat?” I was fighting a smile, but it broke free. “How many shots of tequila did you have before naming him that?”

She scoffed. “None.”

The fact that she wasn’t blushing or shy about throwing out the word clit around a stranger was intriguing, even if she was hugging the cat like it was her actual child who had been lost.

“Well, you should keep your Clitty Cat inside your house. I don’t keep up on the wild animal sightings around here, but I’m sure he’d make a good meal.” I glared at the cat, who had his eyes shut, on cloud nine from the affection his owner was lavishing on him.

I wish she’d stroke me like that.

Where the fuck had that crude thought come from?

She looked down at Captain. “He’s an indoor cat and doesn’t leave the house, even with the door open.”

“He must have sensed there was an expensive car that needed walking on.” I meant it as a joke, but her pursed lips said that was not how it landed.

I shouldn’t have been looking at her lips, but the urge to kiss the grumpiness right out of her was strong. This was the exact thing I was trying to avoid—thinking with my dick instead of my brain.

Before my mind wandered to what else I’d like to do to her lips, I looked at the open three-car garage with boxes piled everywhere. “Where’d you move here from?”

“Uh... here.” She shifted the cat in her arms.

I glanced at the rental truck and back at her. “Why didn’t you hire movers? It’s so much easier. There are companies that will even unpack everything for you.” If she was moving into a six-million-dollar house, it wasn’t like she couldn’t afford it.

She scrunched her nose in the most adorable way, but there was also irritation in her eyes. “This was safer.”

I wasn’t quite sure what to think about her saying moving herself was safer. I could think of a few scenarios where that would be the case. Maybe she was in witness protection. Or a spy. Or a serial killer, and she needed to properly hide all the bodies.

I was a fucking idiot. I might have been able to see the Hollywood sign from my balcony, but this wasn’t a movie.

Besides, she was a grown woman, with a cat named Captain Purrcard von Clitty Cat. The only thing she should be afraid of was running into a pack of pearl-clutching Karens.

Totally feasible.

“I have a party to get to, but if you want any help moving anything inside...” I let the offer hang in the air. Love thy neighbor and all that.

“Oh, uh. Thanks.” She looked back at the house, where her door stood wide open. “We have it handled.”

We? Did that mean she had a partner? There was only one car parked in the garage, but that didn’t necessarily mean anything.

Why was I even thinking about whether she was single? I did not need to get involved with my neighbor, of all people. I was trying to change my playboy tendencies, but it was a constant uphill battle. My body was revolting against me, and right now, it was winning.

“Anyway... I should get going.” I pointed my thumb in the direction of my house before picking up my blanket she’d thrown to the ground. I didn’t know why I was still standing there, talking to her, after her attitude toward me. “Should I mail you the bill for cleaning or drop it off at your door?”

She had already turned to go into her house, but she paused, looking over her shoulder. “You’re kidding, right?”

I was, but I also really loved the way she was looking at me with fury in her eyes. “I’m not. Hopefully, there aren’t any scratches from Ricardo’s nails.”

“Purrcard.”

“Potato, potahto.” I smirked as her cheeks turned red.

She shifted her weight, and my eyes fell briefly to her ass before I looked up at the sky, like it was the most interesting thing in the world. “I’ll make sure he doesn’t bother you again, Norman.”

“It’s Noah.”

“Tomato, tomahto.”

Speechless, I watched as she walked to the door and went inside, the cat’s tail wrapped around the small of her back like he was claiming her.

I walked down the driveway and started to round the hedge, but stopped to look back at her house. She was standing at the door, minus the cat, staring right at me.

She raised her hand in what I thought was a wave, but she flipped me off instead.

The balls on the woman were impressive. Who flips off their new neighbor who kindly brought their cat back to them?

I shook my head before putting the hedge between us. I’d thought about ripping out the six-foot-high barrier, since it was on my side of the property line and was ugly, but now I was glad for its existence.

Especially when I saw the paws all over my car and was reminded of why I’d gone over there in the first place.

My annoyance was right back where it should have been all along. I’d let Jade’s beauty distract me, but I wouldn’t be letting that happen again.