9. Cole

Chapter 9

Cole

I couldn't stop thinking about how cold the bed had been when I woke up yesterday morning. Despite the screaming crowd around me and the shouts from the cheerleaders down below, it was barely enough to hold my attention. Instead my mind crept toward the memories of Dana—how soft she felt beneath my fingertips, how warm and fucking heavenly her pussy felt, how easily I'd slept with the heat of her pressed against me.

Until last night, I hadn't had a good night's sleep in almost six months. And even so I still barely slept at all. But the little I did sleep was restful, with her body next to mine.

Grayson had convinced me that a day out watching the Colorado Buffaloes play their second home game of the early season would help me feel more alive and less like a shell of myself. I'd done everything in my power to conceal that feeling, so his ability to pick up on it had shaken me more than I expected it to.

He didn't really give me the chance to say no.

And although it certainly gave me a much noisier environment to stew in my thoughts, it didn't quiet them. Why did she leave? Why not wake me? No note? No text? Nothing.

"You've got to stop this, man," Bobby grunted, one hand on my shoulder and one clutching a hotdog as he came around the side of me. The amount of ketchup on it made my stomach churn. "I can see it in your eyes. It's the same look you got during group sessions."

I raised an eyebrow at him. His long black hair swayed in its ponytail as he cast his gaze at me, shaking his head.

"Overthinking. Retreating."

"Ah," I sighed, resisting the urge to roll my eyes as a glob of ketchup fell onto his jersey. He didn't even notice. "I'm fine. Don't worry about me."

"Look, it's like Angie would say every time as we packed up after counseling. One step at a time."

Buzz words. That's what they were. Thrown around, pounded into us day after day. "Angie was a nightmare," I deadpanned.

With a mouth full of hotdog, he laughed, spewing bits of the red condiment against the glass of the private viewing box. "Yeah, I fucking hated her. But some of the stuff she said was true."

"She always gave me shit for coming in late even though she knew I had therapy just before her session," I said, leaning back in the far too rigid seat for how much the private box cost. I should have brought cushions. "I swear, she hated us."

"Sometimes I think she would have rather us relapse than be there in her group therapy," Bobby chuckled.

The crowd erupted into cheers, and as I turned my attention back to the game, I noticed someone had scored. From the look of the jersey, I assumed it was the Buffaloes, but I wasn't really a football guy. I could have sworn our goal post was on the other end.

The band played some kind of rallying song as the color guard spun their batons and flags. The cheer team shook their pom-poms and moved into formation. "What's happening?" I asked.

"UC won."

I turned in my chair toward the sound of the unknown voice. For a moment, the smallest of split seconds, my brain convinced me it was her. But the blonde hair and the toddler at her feet were anything but Dana.

Gray's ex-wife, Halsey, stood with their three-year-old, Penelope, at the back of the box. I hadn't even heard them come in.

"Say hi, Penny," she said, patting the little girl on the back as she clung to her stuffed rabbit. She was wearing an oversized Buffaloes jersey and she looked just like her mother, more so than the last time I'd seen her.

"Hi," I offered. Giving her the friendliest smile I could muster, I did a little wave. She only tucked herself in closer to her mother. "It's nice to see you, Hals. Sorry I didn't realize you were here sooner, I would have said hello."

Halsey rolled her eyes as she leaned back against the wall. "It's fine. I didn't expect anything from you."

The door cracked open and in walked Grayson, the volume of the cheers louder from the lack of a sound barrier. Penny's hands covered her ears instinctively, her little stuffed rabbit falling to the floor, and Halsey took advantage of the moment to take a stab at Grayson without her hearing. "Surprised you're not on your way to fuck a cheerleader after that win."

Grayson shut the door behind him, ignoring her completely.

"Daddy!" Penny grinned, her rabbit long forgotten as Gray scooped her up in his arms. "You won!"

Gray laughed, his smile unparalleled. "My team won. Not me, sweetheart." He glanced at Halsey, his face falling for the briefest moment. "Thank you for bringing her."

"To be honest, I wouldn't have if I knew he'd be here," Halsey said, her chin jutting out in my direction.

My mouth popped open but words failed me, the shock of it hit me like a brick. She said it as if I were the plague, as if I were the spawn of the Grim Reaper himself and was here to influence her daughter into becoming the next Hitler.

"Don't look so surprised," Halsey deadpanned. "I heard you were off galivanting all over Vegas the last six months. Who knows what you picked up there."

Bobby snorted as he shoved the last of the hotdog into his mouth. On the one hand, I was grateful for Grayson covering for me and keeping my whereabouts a secret but come on—Vegas?

"So what if I was?" I joked. "Don't want my wicked ways to rub off on your ex?"

Her glare could have cut right through me. "Keep an eye on him," she grumbled to Grayson, leaning forward to plant a kiss on her daughter's cheek. "Love you, sweetheart. I'll see you later."

"Love you too," Bobby grinned.

I swear, she nearly gagged.

————

The cheers and cries of the fans in the stadium had been left behind and exchanged for ones from children and adults alike, all clinging to the handrails of rides like their lives depended on it. As I walked through the gates of the state fair, the scent of cotton candy and fried dough filled the air, the sounds of victory bells and plastic guns firing overwhelmed my hearing, and the lights and crowds triggered a flood of memories that I had fought hard to leave behind.

It had been two years since I'd been to the annual local fair. It was a shock to me, Gray, and Bobby that they'd even let me in—the last time I was here I'd left in handcuffs, coated in my own vomit after having fallen face first in the dirt. I was charged with drunk and disorderly conduct. Thankfully, I was able to wipe it from my record, but the memories were still there.

Bobby and Grayson talked idly as Penelope dragged us around, her infectious laughter the only thing keeping me grounded. The two of them seemed to be getting along fairly well, and although Grayson had his worries about me living with another alcoholic, I couldn't help but feel like it was the right thing to do. We could hold each other accountable without judgment. We knew what the other was going through. Hell, I'd spent the last six months living with him. It only made sense.

It didn't make it easier being at the fair, though. Temptation was at every corner. Nearly every adult carried a plastic cup of beer, and somehow that sounded miles more refreshing than the contents of my bottle of water. Stand after stand was packed with Pearson Beers. I'd kill to taste it again. But having Bobby, Grayson, and Penelope by my side reminded me of the purpose behind my recovery. I wanted to be present for moments like this, to experience the joy and wonder of life without the haze of alcohol turning me into someone I didn't recognize.

My thoughts drifted to Dana, and part of me wished she was here, too.

A handful of rides and a giant wad of cotton candy later, we sat at a picnic table with Penny happily picking at her sugar-coated funnel cake.

"Your ex is a looker," Bobby snickered at Gray. He dipped a tortilla chip into a massive vat of liquid cheese and passed it to me. "Sour attitude, though."

Gray gave him the side-eye before double-checking that Penny hadn't picked up on what was said. "She's just protective of our daughter."

"Yeah, but she's rude about it," Bobby continued. "Like, what was that comment about you fucking a cheerleader?"

Penny's little giggle told me she'd picked up on his swearing. "Don't curse in front of Pen," I said, before Gray even had the chance.

Gray sighed, his eyes meeting mine quickly, conveying way too much information. I knew he wasn't overly fond of Bobby, but it didn't seem too bad between them until that moment. "I get around. That's all she meant. It's not a big deal."

"Seems like she's got a stick up her ass," Bobby grumbled, and thankfully, Penny didn't snicker that time.

"How's things with Dana?" Gray asked, taking his chance to change the conversation. If only he knew how intense things were at the moment.

I sighed. "I don't know. She fu—freaking left in the middle of the night," I explained, sneaking a hand across the table toward Penny's funnel cake and stealing an edge that her grubby, three-year-old hands hadn't yet touched. "Normally, that wouldn't bother me, but it does. And there's a part of me that already wants more with her, and that's confusing in itself, considering what happened."

"Of course it would bother you. There's history there," Gray offered, his voice dropping and filling with sincerity. "You really liked her when you first started seeing her."

"Yeah, but I fucked that up," I snapped, quickly covering my mouth the second I realized I'd cursed. "Sorry, Pen. Don't repeat that."

"Mommy cusses all the time," Pen giggled.

"Oh, great," Gray mumbled, ruffling the top of her hair and dragging a laugh out of her. "Look, man, you just need to apologize and start fresh. She's probably just as confused as you are."

"How am I supposed to apologize when I don't even remember what I did?"

"Just show her how you've changed. Show her that's not you anymore."

"That's what I said," Bobby interjected, nodding along.

The rest of the day passed in a haze. A haze that, for once, wasn't brought on by alcohol but instead by mixed feelings and confusion. When I'd left six and a half months ago, Pen had been smaller, and I'd only seen her in passing a handful of times during the time leading up to rehab. But she was bigger now, smarter, and was becoming her own little person as she clung to her father. Their relationship was something I'd not witnessed properly until now, and seeing Gray fully in dad mode was certainly something that I hadn't quite gotten used to.

But they shared a bond. More than my parents and I ever did. Watching them tugged at my heartstrings—the way she screamed with excitement as we all got onto the Ferris wheel and she wrapped her arms around his neck, the way her face lit up with joy when he'd won her the biggest prize at the ring toss. It was something I'd never been sure I could ever have, certainly not with my issues.

But I was clean now.

Maybe, just maybe, it was something I could have someday.

I could make up for the way I'd been treated in my youth. I could be the parent I'd always needed but never had. Gray was already showing me how, my parents had never taken me to the fair. I'd grown up being sent off alone with a driver or going out with my friends, sneaking in bottles of alcohol I'd stolen from my parent's expansive liquor cabinet.

They could never be too bothered with raising me. Couldn't even be bothered to spend any amount of time with me, if they had any say in it. I couldn't remember a single childhood family vacation but god, could I remember them taking plenty and leaving me behind.

I needed to keep my mind off things like that. I was ten times better worrying about why Dana had abandoned me in the middle of the night than worrying about why my parents had done such a shitty job. It was my biggest trigger.

If by some miracle I was going to get a second chance with Dana, if I even deserved that, I needed to get my act together. I needed to hold onto my sobriety and keep myself sane. She didn't need me at my worst, I'd already done enough damage there. I'd need to be stable, strong, and focused if I stood any fucking chance of winning her over.

But a part of me still wondered if I could make it last, if I could make it the rest of my life without falling victim to my vices.