18. Dana

Chapter 18

Dana

F or days, I couldn't stop worrying about that moment.

Cole had looked at my son in awe—he hadn't been able to take his eyes off of him in the few seconds it took for me to grab Drew from Vee and shuffle inside the house, saying a quick goodbye to him. I wasn't even sure he'd said it back to me, and it had taken far too long for his form to walk back down the driveway and be collected by his driver.

The longer I waited to tell him the worse it would be. I needed to keep reminding myself of that. I needed to tell him, needed to air it out and just come clean, but with the confirmation of his issues and the near-relapse of last night, I couldn't find the guts to get the words out. It was one thing for him to see the photo of a newborn Drew wrapped tightly in the hospital-issued blanket back at Lottie's, but seeing him in person, in all his little Cole-like glory, only made the possibility of Cole putting the pieces together that much more likely.

And I was running out of time.

I'd been keeping a close eye on Cole at work, going out of my way to check on him in the one place I knew he'd likely be tempted the most. I couldn't imagine running a goddamn brewery and not being able to touch an ounce of the stock we kept in the massive campus. But every time I'd seen him he'd been fine, smelling of cologne as opposed to booze. I could tell he was trying harder than usual, could see it in the little bags under his eyes, could feel the stress in his touch, but he was doing well. He'd even texted me that he went to his AA meeting.

"Do you need me to watch Drew today?" Vee asked, coming around the corner with towel-wrapped hair and pajamas covering her thin frame.

A knock at the door cut me off before I could answer her.

Drew squirmed in my arms at the sound, his hands locked solidly around his bottle, and I gave Vee a sympathetic look that said, can you answer that please?

It was only when my brain decided that it wished the person on the other side of the door was Cole that I wanted to take that look back. But Vee was already wrapping her hand around the knob and I didn't have time to move Drew before the door was opening. Although I felt a drop in my gut when it I saw that it wasn't Cole, I was still happy, all the same.

"You're not Dana," Lottie said, her brows nearly touching from confusion before she noticed me on the couch behind Vee.

Vee stepped to the side, shooting me a dirty look as Lottie stepped through the doorway. "Did you not tell anyone I was here?"

I shrugged. "I told Cole."

Lottie's face lit up as she rushed over to me and Drew, mom-mode activating. "Oh my god, he's grown!"

"You mean that guy you abandoned your son for a few nights ago?" Vee snapped, the door nearly slamming shut. There was a hesitation there that held her back, though, to not upset Drew with a loud noise.

Drew spit out his bottle and cooed at Lottie, stretching his arms out to her. Thankfully, I didn't need to tell her to make sure her hair was out of the way because of Drew's grabby hands, she'd already ensured her brown locks were swept up into an easy bun. "What did your mommy do?" Lottie giggled, kissing him on the nose, the cheeks, his bald little head. "How could she abandon such a perfect little boy like you?"

"Oh my god, I didn't abandon him," I groaned, sinking deeper into the couch. Lottie shot me a questioning look. "I'll explain later."

"And now you're not even going to introduce me," Vee griped.

"Vee, this is Lottie. Lottie, Vee," I deadpanned. "Happy, sis?"

"Ahh, that's right. She mentioned you were staying with her," Lottie said.

"See? People know."

"Whatever," Vee mumbled.

"So," Lottie grinned, slotting in beside me on the couch and bouncing Drew on her legs. "I figured you'd probably need some new clothes for the retreat. And maybe new luggage. And definitely some new swimsuits, and a few things for Drew."

"Retreat?" Vee asked, but I ignored her.

"Where are you going with this?" I eyed Lottie carefully, watching as Drew's face lit up as she poked his little nose.

"I thought we could go on a shopping spree before you leave. On me, obviously."

"Lots, I've got things I can bring. I don't need you buying me shit?—"

"It's happening whether you like it or not." She cut me off then lifted Drew up, making little plane noises as if he was the airplane and I was the mouth, landing him back in my lap. "Can you watch him, Vee?"

Vee's mouth popped open and slammed shut, her irritation evident from the way her fists clenched. "Seriously?"

"If she can't, we can drop him off with Hunter's mom," Lottie shrugged. "She's watching Brody today and he'd love a playmate."

"Do that then," Vee huffed, storming off down the hallway and slamming the door to the bathroom behind her.

"She seems feisty," Lottie mumbled, and before I could protest, she was dragging both of us out the door.

————

"Oh my god, these swimsuits are perfect," Lottie gushed, her eyes meeting mine over racks of clothing at a store I'd never have wandered into on my own. I knew the brand but damn, they were expensive.

I sighed my reluctance and came over to meet her, taking in the array of colors and shapes. She pulled a one-piece from the rack, black with mesh panels along the sides in a zig-zag formation. The cups of the breasts were reinforced, and they were maternity, the little clasps along the bottom of the cups allowing for easy access. "Drew doesn't breastfeed very often," I said.

In truth, I actually liked the swimsuit. But I didn't like the tag hanging from one side that read four-hundred and twenty dollars . Why couldn't we have just gone to Target?

"Yeah but what if you need to pump?"

"I know this might come as a shock, Lots, but I'm pretty sure most bathing suits are removable . "

She rolled her eyes and threw it in the cart anyway, along with a handful of others, and one single black bikini that was clearly designed to show off my entire ass.

It wasn't until she ordered me to the fitting room and I started trying them on that the excitement of it all started to hit me. A proper vacation, something I'd needed since the two of us had come back from Hawaii, was days away. And I'd be spending at least some of it with Cole.

I was far too excited about that part.

"Okay, we're definitely getting that one," Lottie grinned, one finger pointing up and rotating as an order for me to spin. I'd been worried that the changes my body had gone through since giving birth would stick out like a sore thumb, but the longer I looked in the mirror, the less I noticed the stretch marks and instead saw newfound curves, a larger swell of my breasts and ass. I was still me , just a little bit different, a little bit more built to take care of my son.

A smile crept across my cheeks. "Fine."

————

I loved everything we'd bought except for the price tag. Although I told myself I'd pay Lottie back for everything she'd purchased for me and Drew, I knew there wasn't a chance in hell I'd be in a position where I could feasibly do that.

The bags lined the booth next to me. Lottie babbled on over dinner about Brody's new advancements, how he was finally putting the right-sized blocks into the right-sized holes and picking up on the sign language she was teaching him. But I found it difficult to focus on anything besides the price tags and the vacation.

"I'm worried Cole's going to find out," I blurted, cutting her off entirely.

She blinked at me, her hands halfway through ripping off a chunk of bread. "Then tell him."

"You say that like it's easy," I sighed. "What am I supposed to tell him, oh, by the way, Drew's your son? I've dug myself a fucking hole, here, Lottie. Either he's going to find out on his own or I'm going to tell him, and neither will end well. And even if it does, even if Cole is perfectly fine with me keeping his son from him until now, there's still the issue of him being a barely recovered alcoholic."

I let out a breath and sucked up the remaining half of my sex-on-the-beach through a straw.

"And yes, I know now. Thanks for keeping that from me," I added with a snooty tone.

She took a deep breath in through her nose and slowly released it out through her mouth, sinking into her side of the booth. "It wasn't my information to share."

"He's the father of my kid. I had a right to know."

Her lips pursed into a thin line. "He's doing exceptionally well for being eight months sober, Dana."

"He came this close to relapsing the other day," I shot back, holding up my thumb and forefinger just an inch apart. "If there's even a chance ? — "

"Stop," Lottie insisted, cutting me off. "It's perfectly normal to almost relapse and even to actually go through a relapse. That doesn't mean there's not a desire there to recover. He decided to get sober on his own, Dana. No one forced him into that. This isn't the same situation as your mom."

I blinked at her, the blow hitting harder than I would have thought.

"You can't expect him to be perfect. You can't expect him to get better overnight, or to not be able to deal with issues like this. I know you have your trauma around alcoholics, but it's not fair to put those expectations of failure on him when he genuinely wants to be better. If anything, knowing he has a fucking son would only make him want sobriety even more."

I couldn't remember the last time Lottie had spoken to me like that, nor could I shake the sinking feeling that she was right. Every time the feeling of wanting to run as far away as I could from him flared, I knew it was coming from that deep-seated place in my childhood. I knew that.

"So what am I supposed to do?"

"Do you want a relationship with him?"

"I don't know."

"Do you want a father for your son?"

"Obviously."

"Then trust him," she sighed. "Give him a chance. He's a good guy. Genuinely. He may be an obnoxious man-child occasionally, but he's doing so much better than he was. You didn't see him after what happened between you two. You didn't see how bad it got, how low he got, or how much he was drinking. He's come such a long way, and I fucking love you, Dana, but I'm not going to let you insinuate that he's worse than he is."

"Would you have gotten with Hunter if he was like this at the beginning?" I asked. They'd been through hell and back, from a fake relationship to a fake wedding, all in order to please her father before he passed. It had taken them forever to actually succumb to their feelings, and deep down, if Hunter was like Cole, I didn't think she would have ended up with him.

"Yes," she huffed. "Of fucking course I would have."

————

"Are you expecting me to watch Drew for two weeks?" Vee hissed, her irritation clear the moment Drew and I stepped through the front door.

"What? No."

"Why didn't you tell me you were fucking off to Costa Rica?"

I sighed and set my bags down before gently placing Drew in his little swing. "Because I'm taking him with me and I didn't want you to freak out. But apparently, that was going to happen anyway."

"You're taking Drew to South America?"

"Costa Rica is its own country."

"Whatever. Toe-may-toe, toe-mah-toe."

"It's perfectly safe," I added. "We'll be at an all-inclusive with everyone else from work. Why are you so concerned?"

"Because you don't have to take him. You could leave him here with me and our parents, Dana," she snapped, grabbing a bottle out of the fridge the second Drew began to make a fuss. "You act like you couldn't possibly fathom them watching him, but they're more than capable. Instead, you pawn him off on me or the fucking nanny."

I stared at her in disbelief. She'd managed to keep her massive mouth quiet for a week about Mom and Dad, but now, on the same day that Lottie had berated me for my thought process when it came to Cole, Vee wanted to berate me for my thought process when it came to them. "I can't do this with you right now," I bit back, swallowing the horrible things I wanted to spit at her.

"I don't care," Vee said. "I mean, for Christ's sake, Dana, take him with you. But keeping him from Mom and Dad is just fucking cruel at this point."

"Cruel?" I laughed. I snatched the bottle from her hands before she could give it to Drew herself and plucked the plastic cap off. "You know what's cruel? Fucking over your daughter so badly she had to repeat her sophomore year of high school."

Vee's brows shot up. "Don't tell me you're still mad about that. It was an honest mistake!"

"Sure. Believe that all you want," I snapped, kneeling down on the carpet by Drew's swing and switching off the motor that rocked him back and forth. He gratefully accepted the bottle. "But you and I know damn well Mom knew what she was doing. She told me she'd talked to the school!"

"She probably did and forgot what they'd said," Vee countered, crossing her arms over her chest as she loomed over me. "How was she supposed to navigate that? Call them again?"

"She could have just listened to my protests when I told her I couldn't go on a fucking cross-country road trip because I had exams! She could have trusted me when I said I'd fail if I didn't turn up for them!"

"You know how much that trip meant to her," Vee hissed.

"No, I don't, because she was drunk the entire goddamn time." I stood from Drew, taking a step toward my sister and forcing her away from us. "She was always drunk. Always relapsing. Anytime she told you she loved you, Vee, she was fucking wasted. At every soccer game of yours she attended, she had a flask in her purse. Every good moment of our lives was overshadowed by the goddamn demon hiding in the background. Do you not remember how many times she forgot to pick us up from school? Or how many times she passed out before making us dinner and Dad was on night shifts so we went to bed hungry?"

Vee's face paled as she stepped back. "You have to learn to let it go. She apologized."

"She never fucking apologized," I laughed, the sound of it far too angry to be perceived as anything else. "Not really. She doesn't give a shit, Vee, and I'm not letting her or our enabler father anywhere near my son."

————

The autumn wind whipped against my cheeks as I pushed through my run, uninhibited from leaving Drew with Vee. I needed to take out my anger on anything but them, and my ankles were the nearest and easiest victim.

Panting and in pain, I slowed my pace until I was walking, barely reaching the bench I liked to consider my end point before heading back home. I collapsed onto it, winded and still filled to the brim with anger, and tried to catch my breath.

Why did it always come back to this? Why was every problem in my life, every argument, every horrible thought connected to my mother? Why couldn't I have had a normal childhood instead of one where I had to worry for my imminent safety every time I got into a car with her, instead of one where I locked myself in my room every time a bottle was opened?

And why did it have to affect the swirling, confusing emotions I had for Cole?

"You okay there?"

Dragging my hands down my face and fully ready to tell the male owner of the voice to fuck off, I turned to my right, locking eyes with a man just a few inches shorter than Cole with shoulder-length black hair tied back in a ponytail. He'd been out running, too, based on his clothing. There was an unconventional handsomeness to him, an air of confidence I wished I felt. "I'm fine," I sighed.

"You sure about that?" he said, coming a little closer. He held up his palms as I shot him a glare. "Sorry, sorry. I don't really know what to do when happening upon a pretty girl that looks like she's about to cry."

"I'm not about to cry," I shot back, relaxing into the conversation just a little. "I've had a stressful evening and I thought a run would help, but that doesn't seem to be the case."

"I'm sorry about that," he offered. "I'm Robert. Just moved in down the road."

I gave him a tight smile. "Dana."

A grin spread across his lips as he offered his hand. "Nice to meet you, Dana. I think I've seen you out running before. You've got a kid, right?"

I nodded, shaking his hand. A creeping suspicion tingled in the back of my mind, a small, minor worry that maybe I shouldn't have confirmed that to a stranger, but if he lived in my neighborhood, he was likely to know that anyway. "Honestly, I'm fine, but I appreciate you checking on me."

"Of course. I hope whatever is going on for you gets better, Dana," he said. "And at the risk of sounding too forward, I hope I get to see you around here again."

I huffed out a little laugh. The attention was nice, even if it was coming from a stranger. But still, my thoughts filtered back toward Cole, to the feelings I knew damn well were building between us. I only wished that wasn't the source of half of my stress.

"Thanks, Robert," I said, giving him a tight smile as I picked myself up off the bench. "I'm sure you will."