35. Kieran

My whole body aches, but I know the feeling will pass. However long I've been out—and it can't have been that long, really—has been enough to get rid of that weak, sick feeling that so much blood loss brings. It helps that Lucien's beside me, and though I want to climb into his lap and wrap myself around him like an oversized koala, I hold off on that.

For now.

Besides, I don't know if it's what he wants. And I can't ask until I've explained everything, at least to him.

"Where did you go?" Lucien asks. His tone betrays nothing, but sadness and frustration leak from the bond between us. I rub my face against his shoulder, squeezing my eyes shut.

"I needed to make sure my brother was safe."

Sam slowly lets go, sitting back on his heels. He wraps a hand around my ankle. Adam shifts, and his and Sam's shoulders rub together.

"He is," I say. "Obviously. But… there's something else going on."

"What do you mean?" Elle asks. Her expression is sharp, but she's softening her tone. I really must look like shit; she has to be mad at me for leaving Lucien behind—or for coming back to him.

"I ran into Adelaide."

They all look confused, but Adam's the one to ask, "Where?"

"I was in… It's a village. Near Manchester. That's where my family is from; where I'm from. I was watching out for Drew, but she must have been nearby the whole time."

"Is he in danger now?" Sam asks.

"No." The laugh that comes out of my mouth is bitter. "Not that I should believe her, but no, I think he's safe from her. Them."

They all look confused. I don't know how to explain this without getting into everything, and I know I can't do that right now. Lucien's hand comes up to rest on the back of my neck, his thumb stroking through the short hairs there. All the tension leaves me in a rush.

I don't want to talk about the wolves. About what it was like growing up without one. I can't.

"When I was little," I say quietly, staring at my own hands in my lap, "a vampire killed my mother."

The three vampires in the room with us go still. Sam huffs a laugh and even my lips twitch as I shake my head. "Relax. He was… old. Weird, when I think about it, but I was only a kid at the time. He killed her, and when I walked into the room, he was about to bite Drew."

Lucien's hand tightens on the back of my neck. He knows, though they can all see the scar, I suppose—it's on the opposite side of the one Tristan left behind.

"I tried to push him out of the way. I think I annoyed him, more than anything, so he bit me first."

"I—But you—" Adam frowns up at me. "You're alive."

"Yeah. And he's not. Wasn't. He died, like Tristan did, and my dad and some of the others took his body and left it in the forest."

"And then?" Elle asks.

"And then, nothing. He was dead. I had enough to deal with, and then I left, and now—"

"What happened up there?" Sam's voice is barely above a whisper.

"Adelaide gave me a choice," I say, swallowing around the sudden lump in my throat. "She told me they'd never been after Drew at all. Either I came back down here and killed Tristan—she gave me a list of places he might be hiding—or they'd kill my brother."

"What choice is that?" Adam asks, wrinkling his nose. "Of course you'd—"

"She said she's working for the vampire who killed my mother."

They are all silent. Lucien hasn't let go of me and, if anything, he seems to move closer as the spectre of my words looms over us all.

Elle shakes her head. "Wait, does that mean Tristan—"

"No." Lucien's voice is hard. "Tristan is dead."

"You said old," Sam says.

"Yeah."

"So that vampire Adam sensed was him?"

"I think so."

"Will he try to kill you again?" Lucien asks.

"I… I don't know." I think of what Tristan said. He's terrified of Vasile. He's terrified of you. "I think he's after Vasile. Do you remember what Adelaide said when I was at the clan house?"

I look up into Lucien's face. He frowns. "I do not…"

"She talked about Vasile's ‘weak leadership'," Elle says, nodding. "Bringing you in, at least on her part, wasn't to do with the dead vampires at all, was it?"

"I don't think so. Whoever this vampire is, Tristan thought he was after Vasile. And me, sure, but the thing with Vasile feels… different."

"Nora, too," Sam says, but when I look at him, he's not looking at any of us. "I think I know which family she came from and why—"

He cuts himself off, shaking his head, and Adam grabs his hand as I squeeze his shoulder.

"This isn't over," Lucien says grimly, and I know we're all thinking it.

Elle is the first to speak. "No, it isn't. Which means we need to work together on this. No more fucking off to take care of things without telling anyone, understand?"

My cheeks heat. "Yeah, I—" I look at Lucien, then at Sam. "I'm sorry. I know I should've told you both—all of you, even. I just couldn't risk Drew."

Sam shakes his head. "Fuck, you're an arse." He leans up and hugs me, pressing his face against my chest.

"Yeah, I know." I bury my face in his hair when tears prick the backs of my eyes. "Sorry."

"Well, don't do it again," Sam grouches, leaning back. His eyes are red. "Next time, I'll come hunt you down myself."

I remember a flood of light, all my senses overcome. I shiver. "Yeah, okay."

"You owe some of us more than an apology," Elle mutters. She's looking at Lucien when I glance at her and I turn to look at him, too.

"We have much to discuss," Lucien says.

"I know."

"And it can wait until tomorrow. You have been through a lot tonight."

"Lucien, please—"

I don't know what I'm asking for. I just know I can't tell them all what I am—what I might be—even if I'm sure they've figured it out. If I don't tell Lucien everything now, though, I'll find reasons not to tomorrow. And he needs to know; he deserves this because if the bond between us deepens any further—

Lucien takes my face in his hands. "Breathe. I am not going anywhere."

"You can talk in his room," Sam says, already standing. "We'll get some of this mess cleaned up out here."

Elle grumbles, and I turn to look at them, but Sam shakes his head. Adam gets to his feet, too.

"We've got hours left," Adam says, stretching his arms above his head. He winks at me when I give him an incredulous look. "It'll be in good shape in no time."

Sam rolls his eyes, but he's amused too. I can tell. Even Elle smiles, and Lucien helps me to my feet.

"Sam?"

"Yeah?"

"Can you call Pris? I saw her today and told her about Adelaide and—I just need her to know it's over. This thing with Tristan is over."

"I've got it," Sam says. His phone is already in his hand. "Go. Rest."

Lucien puts an arm around my shoulders and steers me into my room. I sit on the edge of my bed as Lucien flicks the light on and closes the curtains tightly. When he pauses before me again, I stare up at him, trying to control my thumping heart.

"Lucien…"

"Not tonight, Kieran."

"No. It has to be tonight. I have to tell you…" The words lodge in my throat.

"Have to tell me what?"

I screw my eyes shut. I scrub my hands over my face and when I remove them, Lucien is kneeling before me, staring into my eyes. He reaches out and his hand faintly trembles as he presses it against my chest.

Against the bond.

"Is it this?" His voice is barely above a whisper.

"You…"

Lucien's smile is small. "It hurt, Kieran. It hurt that you were gone, that you did not trust us to help you, that you—That you would not tell me about this."

"I'm sorry. So sorry. You don't have to believe me, but I'm not going anywhere again. I promise."

"It is not about you leaving. It is that you did not tell me. I want to be part of your life, Kieran, and if you do not want that, I need to know."

"I just—I had to protect Drew. You get that, right?"

"You did not have to carry that burden alone." When I open my mouth, he shakes his head sharply. "It is not my own hurt I am concerned with. Sam would have accompanied you. You know that."

"I—" I swallow. "He doesn't know what I am. No one does."

"And what are you?"

Lucien's hand is still on my chest, and I think it is the only thing keeping me together. I cling to his forearm. "I don't know, Lucien. I don't know and how am I supposed to—How do I—"

He leans up and hugs me, and I bury my face in his hair, taking ragged breaths. My hands shake.

"Your family are wolves," he says, not moving from our embrace.

I blanch at the words before I nod. "My dad. Drew. My mum was… She had magic. Not a lot."

Not like Sam, I don't say aloud.

Lucien leans back, peering into my face. "And you?"

"I really thought I was human." My voice is wet, tears pooling in the corners of my eyes. Lucien reaches up and brushes them away, his touch achingly gentle. "I don't have a wolf and—It was never enough. I was never enough."

"You…" Rage flashes across Lucien's face, but a tenderness that takes my breath away replaces it. "You are more than enough, Kieran. You are everything."

My heart skips a beat. He looks at me as though he means it, like he's never doubted, not for a second, that I am worthy. Worthy of him.

"But I didn't tell you," I say. "If you want, we can break it."

"I want this. I want you."

"Lucien, it's not just…"

"Just what?"

"It's a mating bond."

His lips curve in a soft smile. "I know."

"Then you know it's pretty permanent, right? Like, if we're going to do this, it's going to—"

Lucien leans forward and brushes our lips together. The touch is brief, but I go still anyway, words sticking in my throat.

I swallow when Lucien rocks back, eyes sparkling with mirth. I shake my head. "Lucien…"

"Kieran," he says, matching my serious tone. "I want you. I know this bond changes things between us, but I know that if neither of us truly wants this, the bond cannot force us together, either. I think I have wanted you since I first saw you on your knees before the clan."

"You don't… You don't want to break it?"

"No." Lucien smiles and leans forward, resting his forehead against mine. "You said to Moreau that we are yours, but you are mine, Kieran. I am stronger for being with you, for letting you help me. Let me help you, too."

"But you…" I swallow hard. I can't let him make a mistake. Not with this. "You were hurt before, right? You said—Nathan—"

"You are not Nathan," Lucien says sharply. He lets out a shuddering breath. "He was cruel and controlling and wanted more than I could ever possibly give. I almost killed him, Kieran. Did you know that? He hurt Adam and I nearly tore his throat out for it."

My hands shake as I cup his face, but I'm not scared of him. Not for a second.

"You are not him," Lucien says. "You could never be him, and I was certain of that long before I knew about the bond. He was loyal to no one but himself."

"I just don't want you to regret this. Our bond will never be as permanent as it would be if I had a wolf, but that doesn't mean it's something we can just tear apart."

Lucien smiles. It reaches his eyes, despite everything we've just said to each other. "That is what I want, with you," he says. "I do not wish for us to break it. I want you by my side, Kieran. Now and forever."

I stare at him, lost for words. His smile doesn't fade; it only widens as he takes in my awestruck expression.

"Is that what you want, too?"

"Yes," I breathe. "Yes, it is, yes, yes—" I break off because we're kissing now, and Lucien's hands are heavy on my thighs as he leisurely explores my mouth.

Lucien pulls back and I groan, reaching for him, trying to tug him closer.

"You should rest."

The bond pulses between us, desire and intimacy strengthening it with each breath we take.

"I should rest," I agree, "But I need you."