Chapter 16

CHAPTER SIXTEEN

Lila

"What do you mean?" I'm sitting on my couch with Drake in utter shock. Like, what did he just say? He broke up with me to protect me! Drake was the last person I needed protection against. He was … my hero.

He lets out a weary sigh. "You have to understand where my head was at then."

"Explain it to me like I'm five because I am not understanding at all."

"Think back to right before my senior year."

When his dad died.

My heart sinks. I knew that affected him and everything that followed, but I cannot see how that correlates with his breaking up with me.

"Everyone around me dies or suffers. I didn't want that happening to you."

"Drake." His name comes out as a sigh. A plea. My heart is breaking all over again. I want to pull him against me. Offer comfort. But I can't. This time around, he doesn't belong to me. "That isn't true."

"Isn't it? I'm the catalyst."

"No."

His mouth forms a tight line. A beat of silence passes before he looks away. "It all started the night Dad died. You remember how he worked all the time?" At my nod, he continues, "He wasn't planning on making it to Mia's recital until after he talked to her on the phone. I overheard her pleading with him. She hadn't seen me until she hung up. When I asked about him, she tried downplaying how upset she was, but I could tell. She couldn't hide the threatening tears. Had this been a one-off, I would've dealt with his ditching better, but he always prioritized his work over us. You were there. You saw how he never went to my games." Drake pauses and takes a calming breath. This has to be hard for him.

"After seeing how upset Mia was, all I saw was red. I was sick to death of him blowing us off. When she left, I dialed his number and held nothing back when he answered. I told him how selfish he was for never putting us first. But I didn't realize he worked so hard to pay Anna's medical bills. All I focused on was how he hurt Mia. I idealized my sister. She made me a better baseball player. She's the one who practiced drills with me, not Dad." He takes a stuttering breath, and I can't hold back. I lay my hand on his, encouraging him to continue.

"He raced home that night because of me. Dad crashed because of me. He died because of…" Drake's voice cracks along with my heart. I've never seen him this anguished in all the times I've known him. I knew he suffered back then, but I didn't realize it was this bad.

"No, Drake. That was a choice he made. He knew what he was doing."

"But it was my call. He'd still be here if it weren't for the call that I made."

"That was an accident, Drake. You had nothing to do with it."

"The last thing I said to him was he's a selfish prick. I hung up and never got to talk to him since." He quits talking as emotions flash through his eyes: anger, resentment, sadness. They're all reflected in those deep brown orbs I'd get lost in. Seeing him vulnerable, I know I still could.

"Your dad knew you loved him. Don't think differently. He knew."

He blinks rapidly and averts his gaze. His voice drops to a low, almost hesitant tone. "You don't understand, Lila. It doesn't stop with Dad. Anna … my mom … it's like I'm cursed or something." His shoulders sag, the weight of his guilt pulling him down.

The last piece of my heart breaks for him. I remember how he was back then—always intense, always brooding. I thought I knew everything about him, but I never knew how deeply he blamed himself. "Drake," I start, but he shakes his head sharply.

"No, let me finish." He takes a deep breath, his knuckles white as he clenches his fists on his muscular-clad thighs.

"When Anna's cancer came back, I thought God was punishing me. Mia had left for college. Mom got busy with her appointments and Roy … he kept antagonizing me, and like the stupid prick I was, I went along with every shenanigan he talked me into doing."

"I knew that. You were always my wild child, but things spiraled after your dad's accident. It was one tragedy after another, and as much as I tried to hold you together, I couldn't. But Roy …" I can barely say his name without disdain. "…was always there in the thick of it, prodding you."

He rubs his chin and studies me. "Was everything I thought happened based on lies?"

Before I can answer, he rubs his chest as if it hurts, as if the entire situation hurt his heart. Maybe it did because mine ached.

"Then after Mom…" He chokes on the word and shakes his head. "I wasn't right in the head. Roy told me I needed to let you go. That I was toxic for you."

"He said what ?" I sit upright. Pain rushes to my head, causing me to grab it. "Whoa."

"Easy Tiger." His hands curve around my shoulders to steady me. His touch is light and effortless but as natural as breathing. "We don't want you throwing up again."

I groan. "No, but I never liked him. How could you ever be toxic? He's the toxic one."

"There may be some truth to that." He pauses for a second, recollecting his thoughts, and continues, "He told me that everything I touch either suffers or dies."

I gasp. "That isn't true!"

"Isn't it? Dad, Mom, my sister? I couldn't let anything happen to you. So I took his advice and broke it off. He promised to look after you at college. But when I saw you guys together, I lost it. Thank God Mia was with me and talked me down. Otherwise, I would've fucked up my scholarship to play ball. We left right after. She's always had my back."

"What do you mean you saw us? I was never with Roy."

His head snaps to mine.

"I saw you guys kissing."

My eyes must be as wide as saucers because what the fuck? I never kissed that guy. "When?"

"Out by the bleachers. The day after our breakup."

"No! What? That never happened."

"But I saw you."

"I don't know what you think you saw, but I would never be with Roy." My body shudders at the revolting thought. I tried to think about what he could've seen. Then I remembered that summer day when I waited for Drake. "I went to the track field knowing you'd be there. I was going to try to reason with you." A humorless laugh escapes. "Roy showed up and tried consoling me. But when he apologized to me, I just … lost it."

"What did he have to be sorry for?"

"He said he should've told me sooner about how you've wanted to break up but never knew how to tell me."

His face was devoid of emotion. Steam would have come out of his ears if he'd been a teacup. "What did he say?"

"That you've been wanting to break up for a while. After that, I lost it. I sat on that bench and cried."

"No, you were smiling. Laughing."

"I'm not sure what you saw, but I guarantee it wasn't laughter. He tried to console me, and maybe I let him for a minute. It took a minute for me to collect myself."

"It sure looked like you guys were making out." His tone is still skeptical, but has lost some of the earlier fire.

"Drake, I was devastated when we broke up. Then you left town and never returned. Not even for my dad's funeral." Those eyes pour up at me with longing and hurt. But more importantly—truth.

"I did, though. Not during the funeral since we had a tournament, but I showed up at your dorm. Darci was there…" His voice trails off as if he's thinking. "I got the impression you and Roy were together. Didn't she tell you I came?"

The mere mention of Darci's name stirs up a whirlpool of emotions deep within me. She was my confidante, my partner in crime, my best friend. Her absence had left a gaping void I'm still struggling to fill.

"No, she never told me you showed."

Drake rubs his face nervously, clearly uncomfortable with the conversation. "I shouldn't have believed her … I know that now. But back then…" He shrugs helplessly.

"Jesus, Drake. Did we really screw up the best part of our lives over a silly misunderstanding?" My hair falls in front of my face, and he tucks it behind my ear, his fingers lingering.

"We were so young back then. It's easy to say that now because that's all we knew, so sure, looking back, it seems silly. But it was significant at the time."

Tears prick at the corners of my eyes as I try to process what he's saying. So much hurt, so many misunderstandings.

"Drake, I can't…" I trail off, not knowing how to articulate the jumble of thoughts whirling in my mind.

He looks at me, his brown eyes soft and understanding. "It's okay, Lila," he whispers, brushing away a tear that slides down my cheek. "We were kids. We made mistakes."

But we lost so much time.

A wave of nausea hits me, but it has nothing to do with my illness. I miss us. Drake was the love of my life. He understood me, shared my dreams and fears, and made me laugh and feel special. And now he's here, holding me in his arms, but belonging to another woman.

"Where do we go from here?" I dare to ask.

Drake opens his mouth, but the door swings open and draws our attention. Miranda appears as if summoned and halts as she takes in the scene.

"What's going on here?"