That Summer

“Almost…there,” I grunt, pulling the zipper on my suitcase with all of my might. Finally, I get the last inch zipped up. The zipper is at risk of breaking, sure, but everything is contained. My entire summer packed away in my pink suitcase.

I sigh and sit back on my heels, my stomach churning. My grandparents are taking me to the airport in a few hours, and I’ll be leaving Port Haven and the rest of the summer behind.

Let’s be honest, it’s hurting me to leave Giovanna behind. I want her to come with me, or for me to stay here. To be able to hold her hand and kiss her cheek in the school hallway.

To go through autumn, winter, and spring with her, because I’m certain she’s just as amazing in every season.

And maybe I will. I think about all the pictures I’d taken of us throughout the summer, pictures of milkshake mustaches and goofy grins. Pictures of laughter and kisses and joy. Giovanna gave me joy.

I’m meeting her at the sea wall to say goodbye. It can’t be more than a hug, since it’s in public and during the middle of the day, but it doesn’t feel right to end the summer anywhere else. I slide on my flip flops and jog down the stairs, coming to a sudden stop when I hear my grandparents’ voices.

“She’s a homosexual and they’re allowing her to teach at the elementary school,” PawPaw complains from the kitchen.

“See, this is what’s wrong with this country!” MawMaw responds. I can hear the water running, and it sounds like she’s doing the dishes. “They just let that deviance around children!”

“That’s what they want. They want our children to be desensitized to immorality and evil. That’s all this is. Evil. Pure evil.”

My body is shaking, my head swimming. I don’t know who they’re talking about beyond that they must teach at the elementary school, but evil? For simply existing as you are and wanting to teach? I want to interrupt them, to tell them that Giovanna is a lesbian, and that doesn’t impact her ability to do anything. She’s just Giovanna.

But I can’t say that. I can’t out her, especially not to my grandparents.

And that’s when it hits me.

They can never, ever know about Giovanna and I. They can never know how much I love kissing her, touching her. They can never know that being with her is the closest I’ve felt to god.

“Did you hear the Harrisons’ grandson is engaged to a man, too?” MawMaw says.

“It’s such a shame,” PawPaw responds, turning the sink off. “I remember when he would visit, he seemed like a good kid. I don’t understand why he’s acting out on those urges.”

“There are camps and therapies that are supposed to help, too,” MawMaw supplies. “The Harrisons actually sent him to one, but he refused treatment despite them threatening to take him out of their will. He chose a life of sin over his own flesh and blood.”

It takes me longer than it should to realize I’m crying. Big, fat tears streaming down my face.

They will never understand.

Finally I find the strength to move, striding out the front door and letting it slam behind me. I’ll get a discussion later about being polite, etcetera, etcetera. And I’ll apologize and try to be good enough for them. Quiet enough. Not gay enough.

I get to the sea wall first, and climb up, pulling my legs to my chest and resting my chin on my knees as I stare at the sound.

MawMaw and PawPaw asked me for years to spend the summer with them, and I always declined because…well. They’re MawMaw and PawPaw. This summer, after getting caught drinking at a party and humiliating my parents’ good name, Mom and Dad booked my flights. I was planning my escape when I met Giovanna.

I don’t know who I am yet, but I sure know who I’m not. I’m not quiet, or demure. I’m not well-mannered or ladylike.

I’m not straight.

But I have to do all of those things, because what happens if I’m not? If they find out I like kissing girls when it’s something they condemn so strongly? If I’m not the daughter they worked so hard to create?

I don’t know what happens, and I’m scared. I’m scared I’ll get kicked out, that I won’t have anywhere to go. And with MawMaw and PawPaw being friends with people like the Harrisons, who cut their own grandson out completely…how do I know they won’t do that to me?I don’t.

“Hey, Hun.” I jump when I hear Giovanna behind me. I look at her over my shoulder and try to smile, but the act of doing so is physically painful. Her brow furrows in concern when she notices, and she climbs up onto the sea wall next to me. “What’s wrong?” she asks gently, wrapping her arm around my shoulder. It’s platonic enough that it won’t get us in trouble, but I violently jerk away from her touch anyway.

I don’t want to hurt her, but we can’t keep talking. We have to end this. We’d already talked about continuing long distance after the summer, but it’s not safe for either of us.

“What’s going on?” she asks, and I can hear the nerves in her voice. I hate it.

“I…I can’t do this anymore,” I force myself to say. “Now that summer’s over, we have to leave this in the past.”

Somehow, I feel her heart crumbling in her chest.

Or maybe it’s just mine.

“I thought…I thought you wanted to stay in contact and…”

I shake my head vehemently, trying to match my breath to the waves as they crash on the shore. “No, I don’t want that. This was fun, but…”

“But what? Where is this coming from?” Her voice is shaking and I want to calm it, to steady it, to make it all better. “You were saying something completely different literally yesterday and now you’re just closing the door on us?”

“Summer’s over, Giovanna. This was fun, I wanted to mess around with a girl, soI did. But let’s face it. I’m not you. I’m not gay. I have a life to go back to, one that doesn’t include kissing girls.”

I hate every word coming out of my mouth, but I know this is the only way to keep us both safe. She’ll never want to talk to me again, and as much as I don’t want this…I know it’s the right thing to do.

“Wow,” she finally says. I can’t look at her. “I…wow. Okay. Um, have fun being perfect and straight and kissing perfect and straight boys, Hunter. You really fooled me, you know. I thought you were different.”

Hot tears sting in my eyes as Giovanna leaves. I want to look back at her, to run after her and beg for forgiveness.

Instead, I apologize to the universe, pray to god, if he’s real, that maybe, if I get it right one day, she’ll come back to me.