18. Jo

Playlist: Casual | Chappell Roan

Quiblings Group Chat

Nic: everyone be nice today jo is bringing her fake girlfriend to dinner

Jo: why do i want to slap you

Millie: are you hungover?

Millie: you usually want to get physically violent when hungover

Ren: not true. she wants to get physically violent more often than that, she only SAYS it when she’s hungover. otherwise it’s all in the facial expressions.

Jo: you’re all texting too damn loud shut the fuck up

This is the worst morning of my life.

“Is the city always this loud?” Hunter grumbles as we walk towards the subway stop.

I stop walking and dry heave. Who knew sounds could make you nauseous?

I’d woken up in the middle of the night curled up on the couch, my head in Hunter’s lap. When I looked up at her, my stomach sank. We’d only kissed, and fuck it . It might have been the best kiss of my life, but I felt like absolute shit, not just because I was hungover.

Opening up to her and letting her open up to me and letting each other in enough that kissing seemed like a good idea at the time. But kissing her like that was a mistake. Maybe all of last night was.

Things with Kelsey had gone right so fast, and then wrong even faster. I can’t do that to myself again. That’s the thing— I’m the only one who can make sure I avoid a situation like that again.

I carefully removed myself from the couch and went to my room, where I spent hours staring at the ceiling, unable to fall back asleep.

When I came out of my room a few hours later, Hunter was gone. The living room looked incomplete without that mirrorball of a dress.

She eventually came out of her room in a floral sundress and her heeled white cowboy boots, just as I was checking train times to Port Haven for Sunday Dinner. right as I finished brewing coffee for our hangovers. Her eyes were puffy, and my heart sank as she gave me a tight lipped smile.

“Hey,” I said.

“Hi,” she answered, walking across the living room and squatting in front of Dolly’s terrarium. “You gonna tell me we can’t do that again?”

“I—um. I mean, that can’t happen again.”

She nodded curtly, staring intently at Dolly. “Yeah. Figured.”

She didn’t say anything else until she commented on the noise levels of the city.

I groan and stand up straight. I’m not surprised that she’s kept walking without looking back, but I am surprised at the way I feel like I’ve been stabbed.

“Good morning!” Nic says in a singsong voice as we approach the subway station, making both Hunter and I wince. She’s bouncing on her heels, her short curls bouncing with her. “Thought you cuties were gonna no-show.”

Hunter grunts and kicks at a crushed Mountain Dew can in response.

My stomach lurches. Just last night I’d been telling her about my family’s tradition of Sunday dinners. It’d started with my mom and her grandparents, and something that carried over when she married my dad. Growing up, we’d drive to Long Island for Sunday dinner at Nonna and Nonno’s with various aunts, uncles, and cousins.

My grandparents died when I was in college and my mom decided to continue the tradition as a way for our immediate family to stay connected. Once I’d graduated, I began working more and more Sundays, and I was able to go to less and less family dinners. Everyone acts like it’s a holiday when I’m able to attend. It’s both annoying and adorable as hell.

Hunter had been so excited to experience Sunday dinner, since my family still spent Sunday evenings in Long Island that summer.

Josh and Nic exchange one of those looks where they say something without actually saying something. “Yeah, hang on a sec,” Josh says, walking towards the crosswalk.

“Where’s he going?” I ask.

“To cure you.” Nic crosses her arms over her chest and raises an eyebrow. “What the hell happened?”

Hunter laughs hollowly. “I was wondering the same thing.”

I grind my teeth. I have a headache. I’m nauseous. I barely got any sleep last night. Hunter’s cranky and I know it’s because of me. The three of us are silent until Josh reappears.

“Eat this, it’ll cure the worst of hangovers,” Josh hands Hunter and I each a bag.

“What the hell is this?” Hunter asks, peering into the bag.

“New York classic. Everything bagel with cream cheese, lox, onions, tomatoes, and capers.”

“Gross,” she says, wrinkling her nose.

He ignores her. “These helped me survive grad school before I got sober. You’ll thank me later.”

My blood sugar is a little low due to the lack of sleep I got last night, which is probably contributing to my poor mood in addition to the hangover. I tap at my PDM to make sure I give myself the right amount of insulin so that the carbs don’t cause a spike.

Ten minutes and a full sandwich later, my belly is full and blood sugar balanced.

“I hate when you’re right,” I grumble as we wait for the train on the platform.

“She admitted I was right,” Josh whispers excitedly to my sister.

Hunter’s still silent, and it’s making me uneasy. She stares blankly at the tracks, hands shoved in the pockets of her sundress.

I step over to her, and despite her still not looking at me, I open my mouth to speak. My words are immediately overpowered by the sound of the train approaching and I snap my mouth shut as the train comes to a stop. It causes a breeze, blowing Hunter’s curls around her head. She looks ethereal and I hate myself for thinking like that because this is Hunter, my friend. That’s it. Just because I’m a lesbian doesn’t mean I have to date every single friend. Hunter is an objectively gorgeous person, but there are millions of objectively gorgeous people and I could be friends with all of them, probably.

Nic and Josh chatter amongst themselves the entire way to Grand Central, but Hunter continues to ignore me. She even goes as far as putting in a pair of earbuds, and I receive her message loud and clear.

We end up sitting in two rows across from one another on the train to Port Haven–Nic and Josh, me and Hunter. Hunter’s in the window seat, earbuds still in place as she stares out the window once we’re out of the Grand Central tunnel.

“Hey,” I say softly, gently nudging her with my elbow.

She doesn’t budge.

“Hun?”

She sighs and turns to me, pulling an earbud out. “I really need space right now, Jo. I’m hurt and I don’t want to talk about it, okay?”

I stare at her. “Oh. Okay.”

I’m a little floored and a lot impressed that she told me that. Kelsey would give me the silent treatment without explanation.

Hunter’s face softens, and she chews on her bottom lip. Last night, I could taste the sweetness of the moscato on that lip. She whimpered and tightened her hold on me when I sucked on it.

God, what a fucking kiss. But I meant it when I said we couldn’t do it again.

“I’ll talk when I’m ready,” she adds, like she’s read my mind. “I’m not going to stonewall you or anything.”

“Okay,” I say quietly. It’s not fair of me to expect her to open up when she’s not ready, especially not when she never once pushed me when I wasn’t ready.

We’re silent for the remainder of the train ride until we arrive in Port Haven.

“How are we getting to your parents’ house?” she asks as we exit the train and walk towards the parking lot.

I shrug. “Dunno. We all have each other's locations so one of the local siblings usually shows up at the station to give us a ride.”

She nods. “Got it.”

“Can we—”

“Not yet.” She lowers a pair of oversized heart-shaped sunglasses over her eyes. “I’ll tell you when I’m ready.”

I inhale shakily. “Okay.”

Nic and Josh are a few steps ahead of us, and my sister turns her head to look at me over her shoulder. “Which minion do you think Mom asked to get us?”

“I’m nervous it’ll be Kat,” Josh says.

Kat’s our oldest sister, and probably the family member who will react the worst to Hunter and I, if there were a Hunter and I. But even Hunter and I faking it might cause some homophobic microaggressions. She told me she didn’t think it would be appropriate for her and her husband, Steve, to come to my wedding to Kelsey because…I don’t know? She hates gay people? Whatever.

“Wait, when did she get a minivan?” I groan as we turn the corner and the parking lot comes into view. Kat’s leaning against a red minivan while her douchebag husband, Steve, paces on the other side of the car while on the phone.

“Wow, I didn’t think you were actually going to come.” Kat lowers her sunglasses to eye me as we approach the car.

“Fabulous to see you too, Katerina,” I respond dryly. “This is my friend, Hunter.”

“Is she an actual friend, or is it a fake friendship, too?” Kat asks.

I sigh and rub at my temples. “You’re starting already? Really?”

“He’s my real boyfriend,” Nic interjects helpfully, lifting up Josh’s hand. He waves awkwardly, like he hasn’t spent hundreds of hours with my family.

“Hey party people!” Steve whoops, shoving his phone into his khakis. “Kept us waiting long enough.” He slaps Josh’s back with enough force that he whimpers.

Hunter looks at me with confusion in her eyes. I lean into her, her scent infiltrating my senses. She smells like magnolias, and the air just after it rains. It would be romantic if she weren’t someone I need to keep my filthy paws off of.

“That’s Kat’s husband, Steve. He’s sort of the worst. Sorry in advance,” I whisper in her ear, hating that I notice how my breath blows her hair.

“When did you guys get a minivan?” Nic asks, eyeing the car like it’s personally offended her. She’s lived in the city long enough that suburban life gives her the ick.

“Last month. We’re going to need it soon, anyway!” He wraps his arm around Kat and squeezes her into his side. She meets my inquiring gaze and shakes her head. My stomach sinks.

Kat and Steve have been trying to conceive since their wedding three years ago. Kat never talks about it with any of us, but every once in a while, Steve will drop a gross comment insinuating that he’s rawdogging my sister at specific parts of the month.

“Speaking of,” my asshole brother-in-law says, pointing his finger between Nic and Josh. “When are you two—what the fuck ?”

“Oh, darlin’, I’m so sorry, must’ve lost my balance there,” Hunter coos, brushing at Steve’s shoulders as he jerks away from her. Everyone else, meanwhile, gapes at her. I hadn’t been looking at her when it happened, but out of the corner of my eye, it looked like she’d tripped into Steve. Except she hadn’t been moving, and suddenly has perfect balance again. This woman physically threw herself into my douchebag brother-in-law to get him to shut up.

It was the hottest thing I’ve ever seen.

“Let’s just get to the house and catch up there,” I say. “You know Dad gets moody when he’s left out of important conversations.”

When we pull into the driveway, Josh and Hunter climbout of the van first, followed by Nic and I.

The front door to the house flies open, my younger sister Millie waving at us through the screen door. “The Brooklyn Quinns are here!” she says in an over-exaggerated Boston accent. Nic and I look at each other out of the corner of our eyes, dissolving into giggles when our gazes meet.

Millie scowls at us, as we ascend the front steps. “Hey, Mills,” I wrap my arms around her while she keeps hers stiffly at her sides. “Good to see you.”

“Don’t act all nice after you and Nic made fun of my accent,” she grumbles. “Dicks.”

“Speaking of dicks…” I break contact with her and motion to the minivan with my head, where Kat and her worse half still sit. “Wait till you hear the bullshit our favorite brother-in-law said.”

Millie’s mood immediately perks. “Oh, say less. I mean…say more.”

“He was trying to nose around into mine and Josh’s relationship.” Nic looks around, checking that no one is close enough to overhear. “I just know he was about to ask when we’re going to settle down and get married. But then Hunter physically knocked some sense into him.”

“Oh, that’s fucking awesome,” Millie says, smiling wickedly.

“Where’s my hug?” Leo appears out of nowhere, arms lifted for a hug. He gulps and slowly lowers his arms at my death glare.

“Don’t pull anything today,” I warn him. I grin when Stella, his girlfriend, joins us and wrap my arms around her. “Hey, Stelly.”

Josh and Hunter come into the house, and Hunter introduces herself. I realize she stayed behind to help Josh with our bags. Of course she did, she’s thoughtful and kind.

She’s the worst.

“And this is my youngest brother, Leo, and his girlfriend, Stella,” I say to Hunter.

“Great to meet y’all,” Hunter says brightly, hugging Leo and then Stella. “I’m Jo’s…” she looks at me, and my stomach sinks as I realize she’s not automatically finishing the statement with the word friend . “Hunter. I’m Hunter.”

“Where’s everyone else?” Josh asks.

“Izzy and Finn ran to the store to grab ingredients for the salad, and Ren has something today, so he’s coming later,” Leo tells us.

“And Poppy’s closing the bookstore but she’s going to try to stop by for dessert,” Millie adds. Poppy, Millie’s best friend, took over operations at her parents’ bookstore on the boardwalk a few years back.

The front door opens, and Kat and Steve walk in. The chatter dies off eerily quickly.

“Does Sean have beer?” Douchebag grumbles, elbowing Millie as he shoves past her.

When I look at Kat to tell her to ask her man child to behave, my mouth snaps shut immediately. Her eyes are red and puffy. Hunter notices, too, and takes a few steps to the side, whispering something to my eldest sister. Kat’s lip trembles as she nods and leads Hunter upstairs.

What the hell?

The newly arrived Quinns head to the kitchen to say hi to our parents, who are hard at work making enough lasagna to feed their army of offspring.

“Is that sweet Hunter girl here?” Mom asks after pulling me down to kiss my forehead.

Dad and I make eye contact as she bends over and opens the oven. He looks away immediately, rubbing his hands on his apron that says, “Wicked Pissah,” and lists a bunch of classic New England foods spelt out in a Bostonian accent. He collects aprons, and this one was a gift from Alex, who will be the only sibling missing this week.

Poor Dad. I just know he’s thinking about when he walked in on Hunter and I.

I clear my throat. “So I should probably tell you…uh, Hunter and I were sort of…seeing each other that summer she was visiting.”

I’m surprised when Mom doesn’t say anything. Aria Quinn is a stereotypical Long Island Italian and isn’t known for being quiet when being presented with new, unexpected information.

Then she slowly straightens her back and shuts the oven door with a thud . “What.” It’s more of a statement than a question.

Luckily, Izzy and her best friend, Finn, just came back with the ingredients for salad, so everyone else is too busy chopping vegetables to pay attention to us.

“Uh. Yeah. Hunter and I hooked up. That summer. A lot.” Dad snorts and I glare at him over Mom’s shoulder.

Mom blinks at me, expression unreadable, and my stomach sinks.

“Oh my god…are you mad at me?” I say, trying to keep the disappointment out of my voice.

Her face softens. “Oh, Joey girl.” She stands on her tiptoes and wraps her arms around my shoulders, pressing her lips to my cheek. “No, not at all. I mean. I don’t love the idea of any of my children hooking up with anyone…I’m just remembering that fall.”

My teeth dig into my bottom lip. The following fall, I was severely depressed and Mom dragged me to a therapist and psychiatrist to cope with it. My grades suffered, and I quit student government, which was something I’d adored the previous year. But with therapy, and antidepressants, the crushing weight of depression slowly lifted. My therapist scheduled a family meeting with my parents in November where I finally came out to them.

“Was that part of what triggered everything? The depression?” Mom pulls away and puts her hands on my shoulders, her eyes on mine. Everyone says that I have her eyes, but she and I always deny it. Nic and Kat have her eyes. I also have brown eyes, but not her eyes. Hers are purely brown, mine have flecks of gold and green in the irises. My poor dad’s genes fought for their life with the three oldest Quinn children. Luckily for him, the next two kids, Ren and Millie, look more like him. Millie is his twin, if you ignore the tattoos and piercings.

“I mean…yeah. It was my first relationship and breakup and everything.”

“And now you’re pretending to date her?”

I groan and pull away from her, accidentally making enough noise that a few of the others in the kitchen look over at us. “Mom. I’m a big girl, I’m fine.”

“I don’t want her to hurt you again,” she argues.

And what if I’m the one hurting her? What if I want to kiss her and I have nothing to give her because I’m an empty shell of a person who’s broken beyond repair and she deserves everything good the world has to offer and that’s not me? What then?

“Thanks,” I say stiffly. “I’ll…” I’m cut off by Steve banging on the window, making mom and I jump.

“I locked myself out,” he yells through the glass, lifting a bottle of Guinness up. “I came out to get a beer from the patio and now I can’t get back in.”

“Good,” I mutter under my breath.

“Giovanna Theresa!” Mom hisses, pinching my side and causing me to yelp. “Sean will open the back door for you, dear.”

Shit. I forgot Dad was still right next to us.

Dad goes to let Steve back in—unfortunately—and a few minutes later, Hunter and Kat finally come back downstairs and go into the kitchen. Izzy and I are setting the table and discussing the mortality of goldfish.

“I had four this past semester,” she says sadly. “Because they kept dying .”

“That sucks,” I empathize as Hunter shuffles into the dining room.

“Your mom told me to help you set the table,” she says awkwardly. “I think she might dislike me more than your dad.”

“Why, cuz you guys bumped uglies when you were in high school?” Izzy asks, looking between us.

“Izzy!” I snap, narrowing my eyes at her.

Hunter just laughs. “It wasn’t ugly. But yes.”

I can’t help it. I blush.

Izzy snickers. “Ooh, I like her, Jo. You should keep her.”

I blush deeper, and ignore my youngest sister. “Where did you run off to?” I ask Hunter, hoping I keep a casual tone.

“I asked Kat to show me the bathroom,” she says breezily, reaching over me to grab a cloth napkin.

“Must have not been feeling well…you both were gone for a while,” I say, straightening a water glass on the table.

“I needed some space away from the hubbub,” she responds, taking the silverware from Izzy.

Izzy takes her leave, returning to the kitchen, and I lean into Hunter. “Is she okay?” I ask, hoping she knows what I mean.

“She’ll be okay,” she answers in a way that closes off any more questions.

We finish setting the table in silence, and the room gradually fills with my family and Mom’s delicious food. Once we’re all seated, I look around and notice three empty seats.

“Who’s missing?” I ask. There are so many damn people in this family, it’s easy to forget who’s not there.

“Ren and Will,” Millie answers, reaching into the center of the table for a piece of garlic bread. “They should be here soon.”

“And Steve,” Kat adds, looking nervously around the table. “He had to take a quick call.”

My parents and Kat cross themselves, silently saying grace as everyone else chatters with each other. They, along with Steve, are the only practicing Catholics in the family. I see Hunter watching them and realize I should’ve warned her that some of my family still practices.

“Sorry we’re late!” Ren strides into the room, his best friend, Will, trailing after him. Will recently moved back from California to be closer to family after graduating from Stanford Law. His older sister, Laura, is actually Finn’s mom, and became Will’s legal guardian when he was in middle school. They moved here with a five-year old Finn, who was in the twins’ kindergarten class. Finn and Izzy have been inseparable ever since. Will and Ren became friends too, through Laura and Mom making the two introverts hang out with each other.

Ren bends down and kisses Kat on the top of her head. “Hey, Meow. Your husband told me to tell you he’ll join us in a minute.”

Kat’s smile, which was genuine and bright when Ren first kissed the crown of her head, becomes obviously forced. When Ren was little, he exclusively called our family cat, Cannoli, and any other cats he encountered, “Meow.” He started calling her Meow, too. He’s done it ever since, and god bless the brainless sibling who dares to call Kat that. Only Ren gets away with it.

Leo. It was Leo who tried.

“Will!” My mom says, getting to her feet and embracing him before kissing him on both cheeks. “I’m so happy you’re able to join us for Sunday dinners now. We just have to get your sister to join us, too.”

Out of the corner, I see Ren sit next to Hunter, sticking his hand out to introduce himself. My neck rotates to them when I see her smile and blush.

Objectively, my younger brother is a good looking dude. He’s the tallest in our family, with broad shoulders and a muscular build. He has mom’s unruly, dark curls and dad’s emerald green eyes. If he were famous, he would definitely be white boy of the month at some point.

“Hunter,” I hear her say, her voice melodic and fuck why does she sound like that when she’s talking to him?

Oh, god. Is she into him? She’s bi, and they’d make a gorgeous couple and the prettiest babies and oh my god they’d ask me to plan their wedding, wouldn’t they?

“Ren, have you met Hunter before? Jo’s roommate?” Mom calls down the table as she serves herself more salad.

Ren gives her a lopsided smile and I want to stab his hand with the butter knife I’m gripping. “Ah, so you’re the fake girlfriend.”

Hunter laughs and that should be my laugh. “My reputation precedes me, then.”

“Trust Nic to never keep a secret,” Millie teases, popping a piece of bread into her mouth.

“Hey!” Nic says, glaring at her. Her face softens and she tilts her head to the side. “No, I guess that’s fair.”

Josh wraps his arm around her and kisses the top of her head. “You have many, many strengths, Buttercup. Secret-keeping is not one of them.”

“Ren, Hunter was telling me earlier that she collects vinyls, too,” Stella says. When the hell had she and Hunter talked?

Ren’s face brightens. He teaches music at the elementary school, and music is his damn life.

I try to block out Ren and Hunter’s conversation for the remainder of dinner. It’s unbelievably hard, though. They keep laughing, and they talk so animatedly. I debate eating a spoonful of crushed red pepper, just to feel something.

After we’ve eaten, they both volunteer to wash dishes. Meanwhile, I chug the remainder of my wine, for obvious reasons. My brother is probably going to fall in love with and impregnate Hunter and then we’ll have another roommate—the most beautiful damn baby ever.

“How are you, Joey?” Dad asks, sliding in the chair that was next to me, which was abandoned by Stella.

“Great,” I respond. “I’m planning my ex-fiancée’s wedding and fake dating the girl my dad walked in on me going down on when I was fifteen who’s also my roommate and currently falling in love with my brother. Why would I be anything less than spectacular?”

Dad stares at me, mouth hanging open.

“You still in therapy?” he finally asks.

“Yep. So you don’t have to tell me it’s a bad idea. My therapist has been chastising me for months.”

“Okay,” Dad says uncomfortably. “Um, I’m gonna see if they need help in the kitchen.”

I’m alone in the dining room, so I get up and make my way to the living room, where my mom sits with Kat to her left.

“Where’s Steve?” I ask, sitting on Mom’s right.

“Not sure,” Kat answers stiffly, picking at her fingernail. “He didn’t text me, but the van is gone. Must have been an emergency at work.”

Everyone is lucky I only had one glass of wine with dinner, because I feel like exploding.

“Cool,” I say instead, averting my gaze and looking around the room. Will and Josh are putting the china Mom insists on using for Sunday dinner back into the hutch, and Leo and Stella are snuggled up on the loveseat, giggling as they look at something on one of their phones.

Almost everyone else is in the kitchen cleaning up and fuck I feel like an asshole for not helping. While everyone else is talking to each other, Ren and Hunter come into the room. Hunter hasn’t looked at me in so long and I fucking hate it.

My stomach sinks as their hands entangle and Ren motions to the stairs with his head. Hunter nods, her teeth digging into her bottom lip.

Oh my god.

Ren’s taking her upstairs.

Are they…?

No.

I mean there’s no reason for them not…

No.

They couldn’t. They wouldn’t .

But no one else noticed that they’re climbing the stairs and I feel like the narrator of Mr. Brightside.

I want to scream. I want to cry. I want to beg for Hunter to choose me.

But what happens if she did choose me? I’m not the kind of person she’d want to be with. Sure, maybe she thinks she wants to be with me. But after a while she’d realize I’m broken and have nothing to offer and she’d leave.

That’s how things work for me. People think I’m shiny and new and exciting and then once they get used to me and realize how much work I am, they leave .

I put my head on my mom’s shoulder, trying not to cry. I haven’t cried since Kelsey left. Since before then, really. When I’d read the note she’d left, I folded it back up in the neat little rectangle she’d left on my dresser and just sat on my bed, staring at the wall until Nic came home.

This time, I want to cry over someone who’s not mine.