Chapter 8

Axon

"Thank you for the food," Ashley said as she munched on a dried berry. I tried not to stare at her bare thighs, fully exposed under her shirt, my shirt, that she was wearing. A sense of pride welled up in my chest seeing her wear something of mine, along with a strange possessiveness I haven't felt before.

Her creamy skin was a stark contrast to the brown ramirie fur that she sat upon. Her fingers lazily played with the textured blanket, and I found I was jealous of it. I wanted to feel her fingers running through my hair, along my tail, over my chest.

I shook my head in an attempt to get rid of these thoughts. I could want these things all day long, but I would never have them. Not as long as I couldn't even touch Ashley or handle being touched by her.

"You sure do have a lot of supplies in here." Ashley commented as she looked at the rows of supply baskets I had sitting against the wall.

"Oh yeah," I nervously run my hand through my hair. Other than my parents, Ashley was the first visitor I'd had. No one in the dekes knew exactly how often I sought refuge in my cave. I often told my brother shifters that I was out hunting, when in reality, I left the mountain just to come here. I loved my dekes, but they were loud, and the cook fire was bright, and sometimes the silent cave that was built wasn't enough.

"I find the mountain overwhelming more often than I'd like, and when I do, I come here until the headaches stop," I explained.

"Oh, I didn't realize it was so severe." Ashley looked downcast, and I didn't like it. I've made her sad enough over these past few months.

"That's good. That's my goal, actually." I rushed out my words. "I don't want people to notice that I'm...suffering."

Ashley nodded her head in understanding. "Me too. That's why I left. I couldn't take everyone asking me if I was okay. I'm not okay, but it's not a problem anyone can fix for me. I have to figure it out myself."

I didn't like the idea of Ashley suffering alone. As long as she was here with me, I wanted to help shoulder her burdens.

"Just because no one can fix it for you doesn't mean no one can help," I suggested.

Ashley shrugged her shoulders and looked down at her food. "I guess that could be true."

"Do you want to talk about it?" I asked, feeling hopeful that maybe I could bring some value to Ashley's life instead of just sadness.

"Not right now. "

Not right now wasn't a no, it wasn't a yes, but it wasn't a no. There was hope.

"Well, I'm here if you want someone to talk to," I assured her.

"Thanks," Ashley gave me a weak smile.

We returned to our dinner in silence.

Once we were done eating, I grabbed all but three of the furs from my own bed and laid them out for Ashley near the fire. If nothing else, I knew I could provide her with comfort while she stayed in my moon cave.

"Axon, this is a lot of blankets. Did you leave any for yourself?" She toyed with the top fur by pulling the pelt through her fingers.

"I've got a few." I pointed to my bed on the other side of the cave. Ashley squinted her eyes and then walked over to my furs.

"You've given me about twenty furs and only kept three for yourself." She stood with her hand on her hip, which meant she was going to be stubborn about this.

She always put her hand on her hip before she got into a debate with the other hu-mans.

"It's fine. Three is more than plenty for me." I matched her stance by putting a hand on my hip as well. I needed to show her I was serious about her comfort.

"Axon, I distinctly remember you having five furs in your pack that first night we met, when you and Lumod stayed in that cave with Hai and I. So I know even when you're out hunting, you sleep on five blankets, not three."

"I," she had me there. I'd never forget that night for as long as I lived. The first time I laid eyes on Ashely, she took my breath away. She looked so soft and strong and happy. Her eyes twinkled with joy and her smile was radiant.

"Three is fine, I promise." I tried again to persuade her, but she was already gathering five furs from the stack I'd given her. She returned to lightly place the furs on my bed.

"Ashley," I muttered her name in aggravation. "I-"

She held up her hand. "I do not need twenty blankets, Axon, and you should have more than three."

"I-"

"It's not up for discussion." She interrupted me again.

"Fine, I won't discuss it then," I growled.

Without saying another word, I picked up all but three blankets from my bed and placed them back on Ashley's furs.

"Axon." It was her turn to mumble my name like a curse. "You're not being reasonable."

She grabbed the top five blankets again and started walking toward my bed. I didn't let her get very far this time. I grabbed the blankets and tugged them out of her hands.

"I am being reasonable. You deserve to have a comfortable bed."

"I do have a comfortable bed. I've got fifteen blankets over there for Christ's sake."

"That's not enough!" I shouted.

"Why is this so important to you?" Ashley yelled back.

"Because I've failed you. Over and over again, I've failed you and caused you pain. Please," I begged. "Please, let me provide you some comfort, even if it's just a pile of blankets. I'm desperate to do just one thing right."

I didn't mean for my words to spill out like they did, but there they were, and there was no taking them back.

"You've never caused me pain." Ashley couldn't look me in the eye because she knew her statement wasn't true.

"Maybe not physically, but I know a broken heart when I see one." I bit out.

I took a step closer to her. From the moment I met her, I'd felt drawn to her, like a moth to a flame, and yet, like some cruel joke, I could never touch her. Never fully close that gap between us.

"I...I miss talking to you, Ashley. We used to share meals together and walk in the clearing as the sun went down, but now you won't even look at me. I know I don't deserve it, but please, just give me a chance to explain."

"Explain what, Axon?" Her words came out harsh and angry. "Explain how my touch disgusts you? No thanks."

Ashley turned and walked to her bed. She laid down on the blankets, and I could hear her soft whimpers as she tried not to cry.

My sire was right. I should have told her the truth a long time ago. No wonder she didn't even look at me anymore. She thought I hated her touch and nothing could be further from the truth.

I quietly walked to her side and sat down on the floor behind her so she could keep her back to me if she wished.

"Ashley, your touch doesn't disgust me. Your touch...it's hard to explain. It's like everything that's good about life being funneled onto my skin all at once. It's marvelous at first, but it quickly becomes overwhelming. Your touch is like fire. It provides light and warmth, but when I get too close, I get burned."

Ashley said nothing for a long moment. Then she sat up and wiped the tears from her face.

"You really mean that? You aren't just saying that to make me feel better?"

"I really mean that. Your touch has never disgusted me. Your touch is amazing. I just can't receive it."

I looked down at my hands that itched to tuck her hair behind her ear and wipe the tears from her face, but I couldn't do either of those things. Which was why providing her comfort in other ways had become so important to me. Now that we were finally in the same room together and talking, I wanted things to go right, even if I couldn't give her the one thing we both wanted.

"Is it like that when you touch other people or when they touch you?" Her voice was watery and now she had hiccups. She was so cute. I loved every little sound that she made.

"No, just you."

Ashley let out a huff of disappointment. "Of course it is."

I inched closer to her and, as an automatic reflex, Ashley scooted back.

"Oh." her eyebrows furrowed as she thought about our situation.

"I don't want to hurt you," she began, and I understood her meaning. She didn't want to bring me pain by touching me or emotional pain by staying away.

I set my hand down next to hers so our pinkys were almost touching and she didn't move away this time.

"This is nice," I suggested. "I like being close to you."

"Yeah, but what if I touch you on accident? I'm a bigger girl, Axon. What if I sit down and my thighs touch yours, or my hips brush against you as we pass each other in a narrow hallway? "

I honestly wouldn't mind if our hips brushed, but thinking about Ashley's hips had me imagining us in the furs, which was closer to a dream than reality. I would have better luck pulling one of the moons from the sky than being able to withstand the overwhelming pleasure that would come with mating with the most perfect woman on Valo Prime.

"I would rather experience the sensory overload of your accidental touch then to see you pull away from me every time I'm near."

"But you said my touch burns you."

"Ashley, let me decide how much pain I can handle. I can assure you, I'd rather endure a little pain than the loss of our friendship."

"Okay," she relented with a yawn.

"You've had a long day. I'll let you get some rest." I got up and smoothed out her furs where I'd been sitting.

There was still a pile of five furs on the floor between us. We both looked at the furs and then back at each other.

"I'll take two more, but that's it," she warned, making me smile. I liked that despite everything, her inner fire still burned bright. I wanted to know what exactly it was that drove her to the kala in the first place, but I could be patient. Ashely would tell me in her own time.

"Fine. Here's two for you and three for me."

Ashley accepted the extra furs, and I placed mine on my bed as well .

I was not tired, but I decided to lie down, anyway. It might seem weird to have me just walking around the cave while Ashley tried to sleep.

When her breathing evened out, I got up and reinforced the entrance with more webbing and added a few more logs to the fire.

The cave was about as safe and warm as it could be, but it still didn't feel good enough. I wanted to offer Ashley more. I traveled down one of the nearby tunnels and gathered a few small crystals that were growing on the walls.

Once I returned to the main cavern, I placed the crystals next to Ashley's bed, so they'd be the first thing she'd see when she woke in the morning.

There, it might be a small gesture, but at least it was something.

I laid down for the night and let sleep overtake me.