Chapter 5

Ashley

I made it! I did a little happy dance as I stepped off the ladder and climbed down the slope into the kala.

It had been a long walk, but it was worth it to finally be alone. I set my pack down against the wall and held my face up to the sun as I twirled around, being as silly as I wanted because no one else was around.

It seemed bigger now than before, but there were a lot of people here filling the space before. I remember standing right here when we were larping and being so happy that Axon let me slip by to get to their flag. Lumod took me down before I could, of course, but I didn't mind. I was happy. I thought Axon was flirting with me, but now, as I looked back on that moment, I had to wonder if he was just trying to avoid touching me.

I was tempted to push those thoughts away, but I came out here specifically to think things through.

I didn't want to start processing how I feel about Axon, though. I had bigger fish to fry.

I started to walk back and forth, pacing the space at a leisurely pace.

"Soooo I'm asexual." I said out loud to no one but myself.

"How do I feel about that?"

I took a deep breath and pondered that question.

"I feel....fine." I liked myself before I knew not thinking about sex wasn't the average experience, and I liked myself just as much now that I knew the truth.

I paced the space again.

"Being ace isn't really good or bad, it's just different. It's just a part of me. I just so happen to be a woman who isn't very interested in sex. Well, except for once a month when I'm ovulating.

I did miss my period tracker calendar. I deleted my app because it didn't feel safe given the current political climate. I taught myself how to track my period the old-fashioned way on a paper calendar.

I could start a tracking calendar here, but I haven't had a period since we crashed. I think the stress of the whole situation along with adjusting to a completely new way of life, had caused my body to shut down that process for a while. I hadn't had sex for over a year, so I knew I couldn't be pregnant, either.

There was a theory going around that luminescence made you horny because it caused a forced ovulation, which made sense from an evolutionary standpoint. Which is why it wasn't surprising that each couple who had luminesed also ended up pregnant a month later. First it was Gabby, then Julie, and in a few weeks we'll find out if that was true for Taylor too.

I liked the idea of our mountain home being full of babies. I liked babies. They were so cute when they toddled around, exploring everything around them. I wouldn't mind having one of my own one day, but only if I luminesed. I don't want to risk a relationship without luminescence.

"Okay, I'm ace," I refocused my attention. "and I'm comfortable with that identity. Now what?"

That was the big question. I was happy with who I was, but what if I luminesed to someone who wanted to have sex more than once a month?

I liked sex, especially if I was horny, but I wasn't interested in having sex if I wasn't in the mood for it. And I would not be made to feel guilty about not putting out either. I'd been there and done that. No, thank you. Not doing that again. That could have tipped me off to my ace identity when I was still on earth, but I just assumed that guys were more interested in sex in general.

Maybe one of the guys here is ace too. Ugh, that was wishful thinking and I knew it.

The mated couples leave events and meals early all the time to go back to their caves and get it on, especially Taylor and Brexl. I swear, every ten minutes they are back in their cave moaning so loud the entire dekes can hear it. They couldn't keep their hands off each other.

I ran a hand down my face. Was I doomed to be in a frustrating relationship? Could a compromise be made between me and my luminescence mate?

Axon's face ran though my mind, which made me feel even worse. He was the only guy I found attractive. Too bad he didn't want to touch me. No, I wouldn't think about Axon. I couldn't afford to have a crush. Me being ace is going to make my relationship with my mate tricky no matter what. I didn't need the added complication of an ex-boyfriend. Because that's what Axon would be if we got together and didn't lumines, an ex-boyfriend that I'm pretty sure I'd never be able to get over.

I may be ace, but I do want to be touched. I love the idea of cuddling with my mate by the fire or sitting on his lap on a nice sunny day watching the clouds pass by. My preference would be to sit together while reading a good book, but they didn't have those on Valo Prime.

"Maybe I won't lumines at all," I sighed as I sat down against the wall.

There was no reason to think that I would. Sure, all the mated sirrets like Drondia and Karo had luminesed to each other, but I was a human. Maybe that made things different. Besides, there were more women than men in our dekes, so maybe everyone will get paired up and I'll be one of the women who stays unmated. But that would mean that someone else would be mated to Axon, and that didn't sit right with me, either.

God, this was starting to feel hopeless.

I pulled out the fur blanket I'd packed as a cool breeze whipped my hair around my face. Dark clouds started to roll in, making the chilly fall day get even colder.

Shit. Please don't tell me it's about to rain. It hasn't rained in weeks. They said it doesn't typically rain here in late fall.

Drip, drip, drip . The sound of small droplets of water hitting the trees above the kala was undeniable.

I pulled my blanket over my head as a light rain turned into a downpour.

Shit! Shit! Shit! There was no shelter here, just high walls to keep any animals out. What the fuck was I supposed to do now?