Chapter 3

Ashley

I held back tears as I looked down at Axon's gift basket on my lap. I secretly pulled the Valentine's Day gift Axon had made for me about once a day. I don't know why I did it. I guess I liked that he thought of me.

The basket had small pouches of dried herbs and berries that, when mixed with water, created natural hair dyes, or at least that's what Neelu said when she saw it. It had been a nice gesture, but I wish he hadn't done it. It only served to confuse me even more than before. He clearly didn't like my touch, so why pursue me at all? Why give me longing looks from across the room? Why wouldn't he just pursue one of the other women instead? It made no sense.

I shoved the basket onto the floor next to my furs and this time I did not stop the tears from coming. It didn't matter how much I tried to "logic" my way out of my feelings, it still hurt every time I thought of Axon. It still ripped my heart out when I remembered how he ran from me after I fell on him.

That had been my wake-up call, my last straw. I had been doubting if Axon really liked me given all the times he shuddered with disgust when I touched him, but I'd tucked those doubts away. The way he smiled at me or complimented my hair or clothes made me feel like he really did like me. But when I saw the shock on his face after I'd fallen on him and watched his back disappear as he ran into the forest, I couldn't deny my doubts any longer. Not only was the truth staring me in the face, but so was everyone else, as they watched me awkwardly walk into our mountain home alone and embarrassed.

"Hey girl. Are you okay?" Beatrice asked.

I hadn't even heard her enter the room. Damm it! I can't get a moment alone in this place! I didn't want anyone to see me crying, and I was so tired of people asking if I was okay. At this point, I didn't even want to be perceived at all.

"Yep, I'm fine." I quickly wiped my tears away and gave Beatrice a weak smile.

"Okay, just checking. Let me know if you ever need someone to talk to."

"I'm okay," I assured her.

"Sounds good." She smiled at me, looking not at all convinced by my statement. Then I avoided eye contact with her while she grabbed something off her bed furs and left the room.

That was it. I'm done trying to sort out my feelings in public like this.

I got up from my bed and started rifling through the shelves. The nice thing about living in the storage cavern was that I was never far from the supplies, and the best part was, no one is here to watch me pack my bag.

After lunch I would leave the mountain and go to the kala. The fortified space had been a fun area to play capture the flag in. I knew what path to take, and I knew I could get there before dark. It was a safe place to go where I could finally be alone.

I finished packing my bag and stuffed it under my blanket. There, I was feeling better already, hopeful even. Yes, this was a good plan. I'd be smart and safe and finally get some time alone.

Ashley

I sat at a table with Beatrice and Anusha smiling and talking as we ate lunch.

"That's a great idea," I encouraged as Anusha explained how she wanted to search the forest for more forgeable winter plants. She thought with her background in botany, she might spot some plants that the dekes may have overlooked in the past.

I glanced over at Axon and caught his eyes. He looked so sad. I told myself that I didn't care. Why should he miss my friendship? I certainly wouldn't miss his forlorn looks while I was gone. I did miss seeing him happy, though. I missed being happy, too.

Rhaz left lunch early, which was my sign I could leave too. I didn't want to be the first to leave, because I thought that might look suspicious.

I put my dishes away and walked down the hallway to the cavern. I froze as I heard someone walking toward me. If it was one of the women, they might want to talk for a while or want to hang out which would put my plan in jeopardy.

Unfortunately, it was worse than that. It was Axon.

He slowly approached me, looking as apologetic as ever. "Ashley, can I talk to you?"

No , I thought to myself. "Sure," I said.

"I just wanted to say that I'm sorry. I shouldn't have run off like that." He looked so earnest.

"Oh, uh, thank you for saying so." I could tell he wanted to say more, but I was in a hurry and his apology felt like it was too little, too late. Furthermore, it wasn't going to fix the fact that he couldn't touch me without being disgusted.

I could feel my eyes starting to burn with unshed tears all over again. No, no, no. I couldn't cry now. I needed to get out of here.

I was one of the bigger girls here and the hallways were tall to accommodate the guys, but they weren't that wide. So I put my back to the wall and essentially shimmied past Axon, taking every precaution I could to not touch him. I was feeling far too fragile to see his look of disgust if my skin were to somehow accidentally brush against his.

Axon looked devastated as I squeezed past him. I hated seeing him like that, but what the fuck else was I supposed to do?

Once I had successfully gotten by, I continued down the hallway without looking back. I knew if I looked back to see him one last time, I'd lose it.

Alright I was in the storage cavern now. I took a deep, steadying breath and grabbed my pack from my bed. It was go time.

I exited the mountain without anyone seeing me and made my way through the clearing before anyone could come outside after lunch.

I'd done it. I'd gotten away.

The forest closed around me as I walked the well-worn path to the kala, and I'd never felt better in my life.