Chapter 23

Axon

The forest was quiet as we started our journey west toward the valley. The rain had finally stopped and the animals had yet to come out from their nests and dens again.

I'd never questioned why Rhaz made himself a hunting cave so close to the other dekes, but today I was grateful for it. We will get to his cave by nightfall, which means it will be that much safer of a journey for Ashley, who I hope will never have to travel at night when the monsters roam the forest.

I squeezed my mate's hand and kissed her cheek, both because I couldn't get enough of her but also to remind myself that I was not alone in this. Ashley was with me. Whatever the truth may be, we will face it together. That thought settled me and the anxiety that had been clamoring at my throat.

I wanted to know the truth, but at this moment I was angry that I was lied to at all. I shouldn't have to be doing this. I shouldn't have to be risking mine and Ashley's lives to visit the priestess to demand answers. I shouldn't be feeling anxious about my whole life being turned upside down. None of this should be happening, but here we are seeking out the truth that we should have been given from day one.

Agitation rolled off my skin in waves, which I assumed would only get worse once we arrived at Rhaz's cave. It took me nearly a year to get my cave the way I liked it and I knew Rhaz well enough to know he didn't provide himself with nearly the same level of comfort that I provided myself. He, of course, couldn't hear the sounds of the forest as keenly as I did, so I was sure the sounds of his cave didn't bother him as much as I knew they would bother me.

"How are you holding up?" Ashley pulled me out of my thoughts.

"I'm..." I thought about my answer for a moment. "I'm scared I'm about to jump from one cliff to another, but I can't see what's on the other side or, even if I can make the jump."

Even if the ship doesn't belong to my people, I feel like this revelation has shifted something inside me that had been creeping its way through my soul for a long time. I've never felt the same devotion to the goddess as the others, and perhaps that's because I don't feel a need for her forgiveness like they do. But a part of me fears that even if the truth reveals that no lies were ever told, I don't want to go back to believing in the goddess like I had been.

I felt connected to the forest, to the animals, to Ashley even, but not to the goddess. I never have.

I looked over at Ashley, whose shoulders had slumped slightly with our long walk. I could tell that she was trying her best to not look tired, but unfortunately for her, I knew her every sound, every movement, and every expression. I knew when she looked tired and when she didn't, and right now she looked very tired.

It was growing dark, and we weren't far from the cave. Ashley had walked far enough on her own. It was time for me to carry her even, though I knew she'd protest.

"You're tired," I commented.

"No," she shook her head and straightened her back. "I feel fine. You said it's not very far from here, right?"

"I did, but that doesn't change the fact that you've walked very far already, and that despite your best efforts to look otherwise, you are tired."

Ashley looked up at me with a pitiful frown. "I don't like that you can see through me so easily."

I barked out a laugh. "I'm glad that I can. You humans are so stubborn. Why is it that you all take so long to accept our help?"

Ashley shrugged her shoulders. "To need help is to be vulnerable. On our planet, it's better to lie and appear strong than to be honest and be taken advantage of."

I shook my head. "Barbaric."

"Yeah, we are good at pretending to be civilized, but after living here, it's clear to me that it was just an appearance. "

"Well, I say you've walked far enough. Hop on."

I got down on one knee and patted my back, encouraging Ashley to get on.

She looked at my back and nervously chewed her bottom lip.

"I don't know, Axon. I'm pretty heavy."

"Maybe to earth males you are heavy, but to me you are perfect. Your weight will be no issue."

Ashley looked at me again and started chewing a fingernail, but made no move toward me.

"I will carry you in my arms if I must," I hedged.

"What if you shifted?"

"You want me to carry you while shifted?"

"Yeah, you seem bigger when you're shifted. Won't it be easier to carry me on your back in your spider form?"

"It will be easy either way," I argued with my hands on my hips to show my mate that I was very serious about this. "But if it makes you feel better to ride on me while shifted, we can do that instead."

I stretched into my spider form and lowered my large abdomen to the ground.

Ashley tentatively approached me, still chewing her bottom lip.

"We've never touched in your shifted form before. You'll tell me if I'm hurting you, right?"

I suspected that her soft body against my hard exoskeleton would not cause me any pain, so I nodded my head. "I promise. "

That seemed to be the assurance Ashley needed because shortly thereafter, she reached out and ran her fingers over the top of my spider abdomen. Her touch was nice. The hum of her skin on mine was pleasant and warm, similar to when she touched me when I wasn't shifted.

"How's this?" she asked, her voice quiet, as if she were anticipating my pain.

"It's nice, not overwhelming, I promise." I gave her a teasing smile, which she returned with one of her own.

"Alright, let's do this then." She swung her leg over the top of me and shifted her weight until she was fully seated on my large spider abdomen. Again, she felt very warm and very pleasant, and not at all heavy. There was a pleasant sturdiness to her, like wearing a heavy blanket in winter, and I loved it.

"Comfy?" I asked.

"Comfy? You're asking if I'm comfy?"

"Yeah, why wouldn't I concern myself with the comfort of my mate?" I loved saying that word. Mate . I didn't think I'd ever get used to it.

"I'm fine, Axon. I was always going to be fine riding him. Are you comfortable?" She put extra emphasis on the ‘you'.

"Yes, for Christ's sake," I used her phrase even though I did not know who Christ was.

"You're as light as a feather and as soft as a baby chick with downy feathers. "

I could feel Ashley shaking with laughter atop me, which brought a smile to my face.

"I'm going to start walking now," I announced before taking my first step. "Hold on!"

Ashley let out a yelp as I took off through the forest in a sprint. I wanted to show her that it was comfortable for me to have her on my back and what better way to do that than to run through the forest with her riding me?

Her yelp turned into peels of laughter as I darted between the trees. Her hands held on tight to my shoulders, and it was a pleasant grip against my tight muscles.

"Almost there!" I yelled out and then picked up speed once more.

"Is this as fast as you can go?" She taunted me.

"You wanna see fast? I'll show you fast!"

I forced my legs to move as quickly as they possibly could as the trail opened up into a small clearing. Ashley let out a hoot of joy as she held onto me even tighter.

Once I saw the cave come into view, I slowed my speed until I came to a complete stop outside the cave entrance.

"Here!" I panted with a smile on my face. I lowered my body so Ashley could get safely to the ground, then shifted back into my sirret form.

"That was fun." Her face was flushed, and she was smiling at me as much as I was smiling at her .

"Yes, it was."

It wasn't raining anymore, but there was still a chill in the air that made Ashley shiver.

"Come on, let's get inside."

All the joy I'd been feeling left me the moment I entered Rhaz's cave. It was truly awful, the state in which he allowed himself to live. The ceiling leaked, there was only one basket of supplies, only two furs rolled up against the wall for sleeping, and the space itself was quite small. Only a male who hated himself would choose a hunting cave this pitiful to stay in.

As if she could read my thoughts, Ashley squeezed my hand. "It's just one night."

"Right," I sighed. "Just one night."

I laid out our furs and started a fire in the fire pit.

Ashley made herself comfortable on the bed and pulled out some pouches of dried berries and nuts for us to munch on for dinner.

Drip, drip, drip . The rain water dropping onto the floor from the ceiling of the cave was grating on my nerves. The sound was exemplified by the fact that this cave had no moss in it buffer the sound.

The crackle of the fire did little to ease my woes, since I could still hear the dripping sound.

I wish my brain didn't work this way. I wish I could just live my life and hear things and not be bothered by them.

I was clenching my jaw and staring at the fire when suddenly I felt Ashley's warm fingers over mine.

"Come on, let's cuddle. Maybe that will ease your nerves." Goddess above, I loved this female more than life itself. I wanted nothing more than to cuddle with Ashley. Hopefully, that's what we'd be doing for the rest of the night.

"How'd you know I was agitated?" I couldn't help but ask. I had memorized everything about Ashley, but I never dreamed she'd memorize things about me.

"Your posture gets stiff, like you've turned to stone, and sometimes you clench your fists."

"Oh, I had no idea. Do I do that every time? Turn stiff?"

"Oh yeah, I first noticed it when we humans had our first meal in the main cavern. Once all of us got talking and paired off into private conversations all happening at once, you stiffened right up. It wasn't long after that you got up and left the cavern altogether."

"Interesting." Her point brought up a whole new concern.

"Once we're back home, will you be offended if I have to walk outside during meal times? I'm much prefer to stay by your side, and I'll do my best to ignore the pain, but sometimes it all just becomes too much."

"Oh Axon, I don't want you to sit in pain." Ashley said, as she pulled me down onto the furs next to her. "and no, I won't be offended if you have to leave for a little bit. Would you want me to join you outside?"

Her question took me by surprise. I hadn't anticipated it, her wanting to sacrifice time with her friends to be with me.

"No, please don't. I would feel so much worse if I knew I was disrupting your dinner, too."

"Are you sure?"

I pulled Ashley in closer and she intertwined her legs with mine and rested her head on my chest.

"I'm very sure."