17. ~ The Depths of Insecurity ~
CHAPTER 17
And so Lieutenant General Alexander Sterling and I became a popular subject with the London gossips. After Nelly changed out of her ruined dress, she discovered that Alex had gone outside with me.
He'd returned to her that night, but Nelly quickly surmised that his thoughts remained in the garden. And the rumors started. The Veils insisted I stole the young general from Nelly just as he would have proposed to her. Alex laughed when he heard that. "I didn't even kiss her, let alone think about marriage," he said. "On the contrary. I tried to end the relationship since she didn't understand I just wanted to be friends, but she wouldn't listen." Since Alex had a reputation for avoiding the topic of marriage like a deadly bullet, I believed him.
The Veils's manufactured scandal was the least of my concerns for now. We would survive it. The pressing issue was the war.
Britain deployed more troops to France and Belgium, our young men dying by the hundreds each day. Would there ever be an end to the terrible suffering? My heart stopped every time the telephone rang whenever Father or Alex were on duty.
In fact, I didn't expect to see Alex until Monday, but Mrs. Allerton informed me he waited in the library. I dashed down the corridor and into his arms. "Alex!"
"Good morning, my lady." He held me tightly.
"You came back sooner than I thought."
"I hope you aren't too disappointed." He extracted a daffodil from his jacket. "There was a change of plans."
"Thank you. It's beautiful. Where did you get it?"
"Mr. Leroy's garden."
"He'll send you to the gallows if he finds out."
"I have no intention of telling him. Do you?"
"I won't tell. Did my father come back with you?"
"No, he is still in London."
"He is? Why are you here, then?" They were rarely separated these days.
"Florence, I have to go to France for a few weeks."
"France? You can't be serious."
"I'm afraid so."
"My father promised you wouldn't leave England." I pulled away.
Alex moved behind me, holding my shoulders. "General Contini didn't have a choice this time. There are important matters I must attend to in preparation for the upcoming war council. I'm sorry. I must go."
"There must be someone else who can go. You are well known. You won't be safe." I knew military orders weren't negotiable, but I had to try.
"Safety is a luxury so very few can afford nowadays. Florence, this assignment is critical. I'm honored to have such trust. I'm preparing the way for your father's arrival. He will be an indispensable part of the council's outcome."
"What? My father is going too?" I felt as if the giant bookcases lining the walls would fall on me. France was a minefield to visitors. The anguish I experienced at Lucca's death threatened to return with a vengeance. I couldn't lose Father and Alex too.
"No. He doesn't have to be there until the council takes place."
"I can't believe this is happening."
"Please don't worry. I'll be back by the end of April."
"It's a very long time to be apart." I turned around and leaned into him.
"I know. I wish you could come with me." He pressed my face against his chest, his heart pounding softly beneath my ear.
At that moment, I was certain of my path. I wanted to be his wife. "There is a way for us to secure our relationship." He looked at me curiously, and I continued. "You could marry me." I might regret it later, but there it was.
Alex grew serious and pulled away. "Life is strange. I thought I would never find someone I wanted to spend it with. I thought I would be alone forever, and then I met you. The first day I saw you, I felt as if I had known you my whole life. The attraction was so strong. What I felt and still feel for you is something I have never experienced, so much so that I didn't know how to think or act.
"That night when I kissed you and you rejected me, I was devastated. So I decided to avoid you, to avoid the pain. When I looked at you, I saw an unreachable star. After all, I've never had to chase a girl. They always chased me." He gave a wry smile. "But at the ball, you declared war, then ambushed and disarmed me—you asked me to dance with you. I could avoid it no longer. I was completely lost without you. I was completely in love with you, body and soul. Florence, I want to marry you—but I can't."
"Why?"
"Because I love you too much."
"You make no sense. How can you say you love me yet not want to marry me?"
"Florence, we are amid the greatest war the world has ever seen. I'm away most of the time, and I'm afraid this is just the beginning. Thousands of soldiers die every week. How long will it take until I'm called to the battlefront? I can't escape it much longer. What if I don't come back one of these days?" He inhaled, holding in his emotions.
"You will always come back," I assured, wishing it to be true.
"You don't know that."
"True, but I do know that if you didn't, I would forever regret not having the opportunity to be your wife."
"You say that now, but being a young widow would ruin the rest of your life. I can't do that to you. For heaven's sake, it's a miracle I'm still alive." He raked his fingers through his hair, nervously. "Please, try to understand. The deeper the bonds, the deeper the damage."
"I disagree. The deeper the bonds, the deeper the love. Listen to me, Alex, you can't be afraid. Life is just too short for that. We don't know how much time we have. That's exactly why we need to enjoy what we have left together. We can't live in fear. If we do, we might as well already be dead."
He remained silent for a moment. In his hesitation, I sensed what would come. "My heart belongs to you, but I've committed my life to our country." His words failed to comfort. Like other times, he evaded me.
"Alex, I'm starting to believe you love the army more than me."
"You know that's not true."
"Prove it, then. Or is this how it's always going to be? I'm left behind, hoping you'll return. And if you don't, I'll spend the rest of my existence dead inside, wondering what might have been. Wouldn't that ruin my life?" The angry words poured out involuntarily, and I wished I could recall them. It wasn't who I wanted to be. Alex deserved my support, not this, but the awful truth was that I couldn't bear the thought of never seeing him again, nor could I brush off his unwillingness to commit any longer.
"I told you I have no control over my military career. When I receive an order, I must obey it. I'm sorry. I can't commit to anything else right now."
"I'm sorry too."
"I'll be at my parents' home, but I'll come to say goodbye before I leave for London." He attempted to embrace me. I didn't let him.
"Don't bother. You might damage me."
"Florence—"
"You know what, Lieutenant? I will tell Mr. Leroy you raided his garden after all. A little less oxygen in your brain might do you some good."
He left without another word.
"Florence, it's so good to see you!" Thomas exclaimed, taking my hand. "I was in the area and thought to stop by. I hope it's all right and I'm not imposing."
"Goodness gracious, Thomas, you're always welcome. I was going for a ride. Would you like to join me?"
"If you have a horse to spare, I'd love to. I drove here."
"I have the perfect one in mind. Old Billy will love the exercise." A stout horse with a sweet disposition and a large appetite, Billy had lived long enough to know how to enjoy life without fussing over insignificant things.
Thomas and I guided Billy and Sunny through the woods, enjoying the peaceful afternoon. After last night's downpour, the air was heavy with the scent of damp, rich earth. Try as I might, I couldn't help but think of Alex. I missed him but felt devastated by his excuses not to marry me. Love was a complicated affair. I glanced at Thomas and thought about him and Catherine. I'd heard rumors that they had been together until sunrise the night of the ball.
"How is Catherine?" I ventured.
"I'm not sure. I haven't seen her since the dance."
"Oh." Not wanting to pry, I remarked, "She's such a clever woman and always so kind."
"She sure is." Thomas was tight-lipped.
Though I yearned to know if there was anything between them, it was clear I wouldn't learn it from him, so I left it at that. Billy and Sunny marched on until we came to a clearing close to the stream I had fallen into not long ago. Sunny nodded and sniffed the air, ready for a break.
"Wait, let me help you," Thomas offered, sliding off his horse.
"Thank you. I'm fine." I dismounted before he could object. "Look at the lush grass," I said to Sunny. "Go on. Get some."
Thomas dropped to the ground, and I followed suit.
"I love the forest. There is such a calm feeling here," I observed.
"During the day maybe. It's a different story at night," Thomas noted.
"Just like human nature, isn't it? We have a bright side, full of life, and opposite of that, one filled with fear and uncertainty." Again, I thought of Alex.
"Shh, listen." He motioned with his head toward a cluster of bushes and ferns.
Sunny neared the spot. She pawed the ground and flared her nostrils, and instantly, a white rabbit dashed between her legs and vanished under a bush. Sunny let out a startled neigh and bolted through the trees.
Thomas and I jumped to our feet, staring after her. He whistled for her, but it was no use. She wouldn't stop until she reached home—that much I knew. She spooked easily. I felt for Sunny, but now I had to worry about the long walk back.
Thomas must have read the conflict in me. "It won't be a problem. I'll walk. You ride my horse."
I smiled, pleased he had a different approach than Alex to the same situation. "Thank you."
"I'm afraid Billy is not ready to leave yet, though," Thomas pointed to the horse, who hadn't been bothered by the rabbit or Sunny's outburst, thoroughly enjoying the roots he'd unearthed. "I'm surprised how tranquil he is."
"Oh yes. He's an old rascal who doesn't often jump out of his skin. Too bad I can't say that for Sunny. As you've seen, she is young and untamed." I settled on a patch of grass with a sigh, fearing Alex might think as much of me.
Thomas flopped down beside me. He was a pleasant conversationalist, if somewhat bland. His stories were interesting and well-related, but soon his military tales turned into jokes. "There was a new soldier," Thomas began, "guarding the entrance of a military base. He had strict orders not to let anyone pass without proper identification. Then, a weary general on horseback tried to get into the base." He suppressed a laugh.
"Go on." I wondered if he thought of Alex.
"The soldier asked the general for identification. The general ignored him and nudged the horse on.
"‘Halt!' said the soldier. ‘I have orders to shoot anyone who tries to get in without identification.'
"‘Come on, Black. Move on,' the general ordered his horse.
"As the horse crossed the line into the base, the soldier spoke to the general. ‘I'm new at this, sir. Please tell me: Do I shoot you or the horse?'"
Even though, or maybe because, it was one of the silliest jokes I'd ever heard, I burst out laughing. In contrast, Thomas's face drained of color, and his smile evanesced. I followed the direction of his eyes, and my smile faded as well. At the line of trees, Alex sat on his horse with a straight face, his eyes cold.
"Alex . . ." After the way we parted the other day, I didn't think he would come before leaving for France.
Alex dismounted. Thomas and I rose to meet him.
"Captain Frankfort, what are you doing here?"
"Just visiting," Thomas responded almost apologetically.
"I'm glad he came. He's always welcome," I assured Thomas, bothered by Alex's not-so-subtle disapproval of his visit. "On the other hand, I didn't expect to see you today."
"Are you disappointed?"
"I'll get Billy a drink." Thomas reached for Billy's reins and walked him to the stream.
"How did you know where to find me?"
"Mrs. Allerton said you were off riding, neglecting to mention you rode with Frankfort." Alex spoke a little softer. "I don't have much time. I must catch the evening train, but I had to see you before I left."
"Well, now you have." Childish though it was, I still couldn't forgive his insecurities.
"I'll miss you more than you think." Alex held my face and brought his lips close to mine. "I love you." He kissed me gently.
Though my entire being burned with passion, I kept the contact short.
He turned to his horse.
I wanted to tell him I loved him, too, but the lump in my throat prevented it.
Alex mounted, and a sudden awareness crossed his face. "Florence, where is Sunny?"
"I didn't bring her."
"How are you going to get back?"
"The same way I got here, of course."
"How?"
"I rode with Thomas." Thomas would kill me if he heard.
"I see."
The lie made me feel awful, but not enough to recall it. After all, he didn't have the right to question me like this. We didn't have a serious commitment, at least not on his part.
His anger apparent in every move, Alex kicked his heel against his horse's flank, spurring it into a run.
"He left in a rage, didn't he?" Thomas appeared at my side.
"That's his problem." I tried to sound uncaring, but my eyes remained fixed on the spot where Alex disappeared into the brush.
"It could become mine too. He wasn't pleased to find me here, and I don't want to be on his bad side."
"It's all right. He'll get over it. After all, he doesn't own me."
"Not yet," Thomas mumbled. "We better head back."
"I suppose we must." Alex had ruined my day, after all.